Don't Let Go
Chapter Twenty Two: So Take This Feeling, 'N Make It Grow
They weren't talking to each other.
Word spread through the high school like wildfire, and trickled even into the middle school through siblings and future social climbers. Sarah found herself the target of more nasty notes than ever, and her knees were getting bruised from the number of times she was tripped a day. Her locker was stuffed hourly with notes and threats and there had been a couple of nasty smelling substances she really, really didn't want to investigate. The rumors flew fast and furious: a few of those outside the social elite circles blamed Christian for pushing Sarah too far and soundly declared that he deserved to be dumped. Those within the social elite and most of the remaining students, however, told a different story: how Christian was tricked into the relationship by Sarah, and how she dumped him when she was bored with him.
Which Canaret found vastly ironic, considering it was more likely for a person like Sarah to be dumped by a person like Christian, but she didn't voice her opinions. Sarah walked around in a cloud of gloom, almost completely unaware of the swirling mass of ill will directed at her. The pain rolling off the brunette was palpably bitter, and Canaret was at a loss how to cheer her friend up.
"Sarah, is there anything I can do?" she asked tentatively as Sarah ducked the mass of hate mail pouring out of her locker.
She shrugged and bent down to collect the pile of papers. "Not really. It all comes down to me, him, and him." She sighed. "I seem to have a talent for screwing things up." She straightened and took the pile of papers to a nearby trash can, already half-full with similar notes. "Now I just need to figure out a way to fix it."
Canaret raised an eyebrow and licked her black lips. "So, you're going to try to get back together with Christian?"
Sarah shook her head. "No. But I do need to apologize to him."
"So you're going to get together with your first love guy?"
A sad smiled graced her features. "I wish." She paused.
The question is, rather, as always, what do you want?
"....Canaret, I'm going to talk to Christian today. Can you stall him at the quad at the end of the day?"
Canaret swallowed. "You do realize there's going to be a major audience for this spectacle, right?"
Sarah smiled grimly. "I know. He'll feel safer." The bell rang, and she looked up. "I have class. Just remember to hang around at the end of school, okay?" She grabbed some books from her locker and slammed it shut.
Canaret stared as Sarah disappeared into the masses of skittering students, wincing as Sarah's brown head dropped down sharply twice. "Okay...." She glanced around helplessly, pulling at the cords of her red velvet corset. "An hour until school ends. No problem." She sighed and made her way to the quad, stepping delicately around the kids napping openly on the grass. She settled under the cool shade of a tree and waited, idly watching as the school building oozed bright red blood down the sides. "Pretty..." she commented.
An hour later, she spotted Christian moving in a pack with his buds, and she cursed soundly under breath. The things she did for friendship's sake... She gathered her black lace skirt up and pushed herself to her feet. She walked quickly towards the fast-moving pack. "Christian!"
The killer looks his burly buddies gave her were blithely ignored as she focused on Christian.
"Yes?" he asked quietly. "What do you want?"
Canaret sighed. "Look, Sarah needs to talk to you."
"That bitch?" exclaimed Tom. "Hell, no!"
She saw how Christian's mask faltered and the pain that flashed through his eyes. Her gaze softened. "Tom, shut up."
"Or you'll do what, psychopath?"
Canaret paused, then turned to smile slowly at him. "Ah," she said quietly,"Don't you ever wonder what exactly it is we do with our spikes and chains? I'd be more than happy to demonstrate."
Tom flushed and he took an uncertain step back. "Keep away from me, psy-"
"Silence," she demanded softly, and he complied, wide eyed. Without another glance she turned back to Christian, who unfortunately also looked frightened. "Oh, don't worry," she smiled reassuringly,"I won't do anything to you. Sarah wouldn't be too happy about that."
Said girl came running down the steps of the school building. Sarah scrambled to catch Christian's group, who all looked strangely frightened. She blinked, then sighed with exasperation. Canaret just can't help herself, can she?
Sarah slowed to a cautious walk as she became aware that she was the focal point of all the MTV generation attention spans in the quad. The air compressed and layered with tension and anxiety, excitement and malevolence. The afternoon sun brought the scene to a boil, churning all the thoughts and emotions of the teenagers in the quad that day.
She stopped at a safe distance of four feet from the group. She smiled gently. "Hi, Christian."
Tom opened his mouth to make some snide comment, but a single sharp glare from Canaret shut his mouth. Christian nodded warily. "Sarah." He acknowledged her reluctantly.
The smile slipped from her face, and she sighed. Let the true words come, this time. She felt her awareness of the world around them fall away; there was only the person she'd wronged horribly. "I just wanted to apologize to you, Christian. It was my stupidity that let the relationship get as far as it did when it should never have even begun." She smiled bitterly. "It certainly wasn't fair of me to date you when my own feelings were still in such a massive tangle. If you hate me, I can understand. I never wanted to hurt you," she blinked back tears as she met his pained gaze. "I never, never wanted to hurt you. I do like you. I really do. But I lost myself to someone else a long, long time ago, and have been in sheer denial about that for years." She closed her eyes and took a steadying breath, ignoring the wide-eyed stares from everyone within hearing distance, ignoring the hushed waves of voices as words traveled through the crowd, relaying her words to gossip-eager ears. When she opened her eyes again, she was smiling. "I'm an idiot; I told you that from day one. I've done more stupid things in the past three years than any person should be allowed in a lifetime.
"I'm trying not to be stupid anymore." She swallowed and met his eyes hesitantly. "I'm not asking for forgiveness, or even understanding. That's yours to give, not mine to request. I keep forgetting that most of the things I demand from people aren't really mine to want. But I do want to apologize to you. I can do that much, at least. I can hope that, maybe, you can forgive me eventually. But I don't expect it." She took a step back and glanced away. "That's about all I wanted to say." She turned to walk away.
After a brief pause, she heard,"You were right, you know." She turned to face him, as surprised as any of the witnesses present. Christian struggled to find to the words. "You were a dream come true, Sarah," he said softly, avoiding the dumbfounded looks of his friends. "But I thought you were my dream come true, and that's where I messed up. You're a dream come true, all right," he smiled bitterly,"You're just not mine."
The pain settled, the wounds began to scar. The scabs would be picked at for a time to come, but eventually would heal with a slight scar, a small reminder of what had been. And both knew that as much pain was involved, they wouldn't trade the scars for the world. Sarah gave him a small smile, and began the walk home alone.
There was almost a bounce in her step, she felt so relieved. She hadn't messed up, for once. They would be strangers now, but, maybe once the pain had faded and memories softened, they could smile at each in the hallways again.
She inhaled and gathered her courage. There was just one more matter to fix.
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A/N:....The next and final four chapters will be fun, painful, and rewarding, I promise...at least for me. I can't believe this thing is almost done...Almost tempted to put out a new chapter every month for the next four months, to keep this thing alive...Just kidding! I don't think I'd survive the death threats from all the J/S fans!