AN - I have always wondered how Raoul proposed to Christine in the musical... and what they did when she was gone for the off season of the Opera Populaire after Bouquet was killed. So I made it up! YAY!

Literarydoodle - Neat! so you remember the ol' days. I miss the old days some days.

Lavender - are you still out there?

sbkar - Thank you for your constructive criticism over my grammar. I've been told it's my worse fault... unfortunately I do not have a beta. I believe in them, but they have to be someone who can do it whenever your ready, and I hate putting myself on people as well as being let down cuz they take too long... I think I should try to find someone I talk to often to do it.

Tracy137 - I agree with you, my story is stupidly slow... but I think it was the only way to build that angst properly, I wanted to try writing it as I would a book, and if I wanted it to be realistic, I had to have Christine's devotion to Raoul dwindle properly.

Everyone else, thanks for reviewing... I'm not a huge person with returning reviews with comments... but I think I'll try starting, is a nice was for the author to recognize his or her phans. I just hate it when I think it's going to be a super big update and it's all review comments.

Chapter Twelve: Is This Living?

With feasting and dancing and song,
tonight in celebration

Raoul looked down at his month old child while Monsignor Leverett christened her. Those large blue eyes, framed by dark lashes, held so much wonder that his heart constricted. How could anyone not love such a beautiful and fragile creature? He was stricken with deep emotional bliss at the thought of her there, to always smile up at him, to love him like no other had, the way he would love her.

He longed to touch her, to hold her in his arms and feel the gentle burden of her weight against his shoulder, but he kept his composure as Father Leverett christened Danielle in front of them. He looked to see Philippe standing beside him, looking rather rigid and cool. Meg was standing to the side of Christine, holding the Danielle's candle, tears welling in the corners of her eyes. Looking at her, Raoul realized how beautiful his wife's friend was, when her face softened with love over the little girl. He watched just how sweet and gentle she was while she watched Leverett intently. He missed that in Christine, those gentle moments that were passed between them so long ago. A soft smile here, a gentle caress there, those were the things he had found the most irresistible in his young wife, and now they barely spoke, let alone touched. He looked back down to Danielle in her elegant white christening dress, which was falling around her as Leverett finished the christening with "I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."

Once Father Leverett was finished, he handed Danielle to Christine. It was once they had her, that Christine and Meg began to banter joyously over the baby. Watching them wistfully, Raoul made his way over to his brother who was speaking with the father.

"Yes Monsignor, the de Chagny's would be more than honoured to give a large donation towards the church." Raoul overheard Philippe saying. Holding back the urge to roll his eyes or stiffen, he smiled gently at his brother and the priest.

"Thank you brother, for witnessing this blessed event." Raoul quietly said to him once he approached. Philippe nodded in acknowledgement and then cleared his throat. There was dead silence between the three men, before the Comte finally found a reason to take leave of the small circle. He bowed his head to Raoul and muttered something about business meetings he must attend to, then made his way to the back exit of the church. As Raoul watched his brother leave he felt empathy towards him, Philippe had always been the one to be there for him, the one who was always sensible, and it was Raoul who had the beautiful daughter and wife. "Thank you, Monsignor, for your services today." Raoul said gently.

"It was an honor my son, to baptize one of the De Chagny's one last time before I may die." The older man replied. "I only had wished to be back from my pilgrimage sooner to do the blessing."

"I wasn't going to have anyone do it but you Monsignor, especially when the doctor confirmed that Danielle was to make it." Raoul explained.

"I heard, it was a tragedy avoided… You almost lost your precious wife as well…" Leverett added, and then looked towards Christine and Meg who were holding and playing with Danielle. It was well indicated in his tone that he had heard about the rumors of the marital bliss between Christine and Raoul, rumors that involved Christine and another man, adultery and Danielle being a bastard.

It didn't help their position in the rumor mill that they had both decided that they were not going to hold an extravagant party to honor Danielle. Raoul had agreed with the very honest words that Christine had spoken as to why she refused the idea.

"I will not have our daughter exploited for their morbid curiosity. Besides, why would they all want to come to a party of a child they do not believe to be yours, that would be sacrilege!" Whatever the reasons behind them, the rumors were fallen on deaf ears, for Raoul and Christine chose to ignore the wretchedness of everyone else.

Raoul helped Christine up into the carriage and then past her Danielle, before ascending himself. Once in, he gave Christine a brief smile and signaled the driver to take them home. The ride was a good 20 minutes and though the tiny cries of Danielle rang through the air, the trip was rather silent. Christine and he were not fighting anymore and had become rather civil, not just for the sake of little Danielle, but because they found something in common by loving her.

Yes, civility, it was eating him alive. To be honest, he would have rather been screaming, fighting, hating, anything but civility. It was a rather numb feeling, a feeling of nothing, no love, no hate, though he was sure he still harbored those feelings somewhere. He still loved her; he would still love her until the day he died. However, things had changed, no longer did she look at him with the adoration and unquestioning love she had on her wedding day. Now her kisses and affections were shrouded with mixed feelings and became too painful for both, and they were no longer received warmly.

"What happened at your business meeting the day Danielle was born?" Christine asked, breaking through Raoul' silent barrier. At first he was caught by surprise that she had said anything to break the silence they were so used to sharing. He then realized that he hadn't really thought about the winery since the day he left it in haste for Danielle and Christine.

"Well, I had told them I couldn't support a dying operation, and dying it was. I told them I now had a wife and daughter to take care of, and that is when I was summoned by Charlotte." He started, hoping to go further into the topic.

"Really? That is rather sad, but I'm sure it had to be done." Christine said rather sterilely. It was then he realized, she had just asked him in hopes of filling the void of silence that Danielle had been trying to do all on her own. After all, if Danielle kept it up, her lovely voice should soon be ruined!

Rather frustrated, and not knowing what he was saying before he started, Raoul burst out with "I have to go away again..." In some way, he knew he was just trying to get a rise out of her, for her to turn to him like she used to and beg for him to stay, plead with her lovely eyes and shower his face in her warmth.

"For how long?" Christine said without any emotion, all while she was smiling down at the small girl on her lap.

"A few days," Raoul said lying. He couldn't stand it. He had to get away from this heaven that he could not touch. Here she was, an angel he could touch and smell and taste, one that he had done those things, on several occasions with, who no longer favored him. It were as if God had shut the pearl gates on him, and he could see just beyond, his lovely daughter and wife smiling happily, but not for him…

He planned to merely retreat to a small hotel a few Ville's away and just stay there for a few nights. It was all he could think of at the moment, something to ease the rising tension in his chest, a way to ease this feeling of despair.

"Oh, alright... Petit enfant, petit enfant, dans les bras, de votre mère..." Christine sang aloud to their Danielle, and he had to look away from her, he refused to let her see him cry.

They couldn't keep living like this. He had seen it done so many times; he would not relive his father and mother's marriage.

He would go away, and figure out what to do before he got back.

( ' ) '
-

His eyes will find me there!
Those eyes that burn

Erik quickly walked through the forest, which had become quite dead. October had here and gone, and now all that was left was November's cold sting. He laughed to himself about how easy it had been to be cloaked with invisibility. As a shadow himself, the dark corners most were afraid to venture were his home. Of course, he would never be able to achieve full invisibility, but the fact he could go and watch the couple christened their child, to him that meant he had almost perfected the art.

Little Danielle de Chagny.

It had a nice ring to it he agreed, and the child's indescribable beauty was already to be seen, a tuff of dark hair covering her small head with eyes as blue as her mothers. The way that Raoul and Christine held and looked at their daughter, Erik could not describe in mere words. It was if both of them held in their arms, some priceless treasure, a treasure that would be absurd to part with. They were devote to the girl, was the best way he could simply explain what he had witnessed.

He did notice, however, the stiffness between the parents, which could be put in words. Void, cold, numb, sterile, bland, those were perhaps a few.

What is this? He asked himself, don't tell me paradise has been lost...

Don't tell me I gave her up so that they could live like that! He growled.

I gave up my life! Music, violence, the promise of death, morphine... all of it so I could live longer and watch her live out her days, I would rather die than see her unhappy! He fumed.

As he finally reached his cabin, deep in thought over the couple's love for one another, he was waken from his musings, when he observed the carriage that had taken the de Chagny's home. How odd, Erik thought, they have been home a much longer time than I, why would the carriage still be ready to leave? Before Erik had time to over analyze and concluded on his many questions, he saw Raoul exit the house with a satchel. Behind him, Christine trailed while holding Danielle in her arms. She looked neither sad nor happy to see him leaving her, which disturbed Erik even more.

When did she become so indifferent? It had only been a year and the lover's marriage is already in shambles?

What had happened to the lovely picnics he would witness out door? What happened to the playful bantering, and dancing?

( ' ) '
-

Order your fine horses
be with them at the door

Christine watched all the servants quietly exit her presence while she smiled at each one as they left her to her home. "Now Jean-Paul, do not get into too much trouble with the young ladies." She warned as the young man passed her.

"No worries Mme., not ladies, just one. One special lady." He said softly with that wistful look of first love in his eyes. Sighing Christine smiled at his foolishness and shook her head in response.

Young people and their love, I wonder if Jean-Paul would lie to his mademoiselle if he thought it was protecting her.

Once all the servants had passed Christine she stared out the door towards the gates, after what seemed forever she turned to see Charlotte and Michelle standing by the stairs looking expectantly at their Madame.

"Girls! You have lived here a very long time, are you ever going to go out and experience life, other than stay with me?" Charlotte and Michelle looked at each other and then back to Christine.

"We will never leave you..." Michelle said speaking on behalf of both of them.

"No Madame, not ever." Charlotte said, curtsying.

Sighing Christine placed her hand on her stomach and walked towards the smaller girl, Charlotte. When she reached her, she placed her arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer to herself. "How many times must I tell you, if you wish to stay in this house when the Vicomte is gone, you are going to have to call me Christine." She said smiling and placing her head on top of her younger servants. She looked over to Michelle, who looked at her with complete understand in her eyes. Christine felt guilty at that moment, knowing in a lot of ways she would always be closer to Michelle than Charlotte. Charlotte was too much like her past self, unknowing, timid, expectant, and much too willing to take orders. She would make a fine wife one day, but now she was only sixteen.

Michelle, Michelle was nineteen. Michelle would make an excellent wife to the right man one day. Michelle was smart, informative when she needed to be, and an artist when it came to weaving the truth through the lies. She kept her head and made decisions for herself, which made Christine miss Meg some days.

What happened to enjoying your youth? She wondered, when where those days I danced the halls of the Opera house with Meg, laughing and weaving stories. When was the last time I lit a candle for father?

She felt a sudden urge to escape the Chateau and ride away from it forever. Shaking her head to the impossibility of the idea, especially now with Danielle, she settled for a ride.

"All right, well if you insist on staying, I am going to the stables... I wont be back for a few hours so make sure Danielle is taken care of, my girls." She said faintly smiling.

"But Madame!" Charlotte started.

"Come now Charlotte," Michelle interrupted, "We must see that Danielle's sup is ready when she awakens."

Christine closed the door gently behind her and sigh a long breath. Yes, she definitely got along with Michelle better.

As she walked her way towards the stables, she fantasized of Danielle. How her voice would sound, how her feet would dance along the halls. Charlotte chasing the young girl timidly and Michelle catching her at the other end of the hall. "Oh Mademoiselle Danielle, it is time for your lessons," ad carrying the young girl to the next room.

When she reached the stables, she pulled Phantom from his pen and mounted the large steed. Slowly she began to trot him towards the long pasture their yard was made up of, her mind turned to Raoul. It was all becoming too hard. Raoul and she needed some time to figure out what they were going to do. Why was everything such a difficult decision?

"Oh Raoul… this is such a marvelous place! Thank you for taking me to Italy." Christine bubbled with excitement.

"It is I Christine, who am blessed by your presence." Raoul replied, smiling charmingly at her and holding his hand towards her.

"Do you flirt so shamelessly with every girl you meet?" She laughed and gently swatted his arm.

She looked up at him, falling deeply into those green jade eyes, allowing herself to feel protected.

"Only the pretty ones…" He started, causing her to scoff. "Now, wait dear Christine, you asked an honest question and deserve an honest answer." He humored.

"Ah, a gentlemen to his death, Vicomte." She roused and smiled guardedly at him.

"Of course Mme. Daaé. After all, if I am not a gentlemen, what would I be?"

It was like a cold bucket of water hit her, standing there in the middle of Italy, with the sun beating down on her half covered face. Erik! Her mind screamed, Erik… Erik… Erik! Why did you leave him? He was a monster! He killed Bouquet! But you don't know that for sure, you never even asked him! Why would it matter? I was only his pawn anyways, he only taught me to sing so he may use me for his advantage! That is not true, have you ever asked him what he wanted? ERIK! OH, you have left him to die there in your absence! He shall never forgive your deceit!

ERIK!

"CHRISTINE!" Raoul called again, she awoke from her confusion to see him staring at her with such worry etched into his features.

"Christine you've had a fright? What is it? You're shaking Christine."

"Finish it…" She whispered.

"What?" He returned.

"Don't allow me to ruin this moment, for god's sakes Raoul, finish what you were going to say!" She begged.

The lines creased more in his face, and his eyes clouded even more, but just as Christine was sure that she had completely ruined this peaceful and tranquil day he spoke.

"I was to say that I only flirt shamelessly with pretty girls, who won my heart the day their scarf was blown out to sea." He stated.

The worry in his face, the realization that she had been more upset over hurting Erik then the man who so blatantly in love who was standing in front of her, made her feel more guilt than she could ever muster. With a half-sigh, half-sob, she muttered "Oh Raoul," and drew him in for a gentle kiss.

Once finished she looked up to see that his face had returned to normal, his features lit with love, not worry, his eyes merry and smile charming.

"Now, now Christine, we wouldn't want people to think you not a lady." He started.

"Oh, hush, let them think… we are in Italy, no one knows I'm your deviant ballet rat without a chaperone," She started and began to walk.

"You are not a ballet rat…" he started, "You are my Prima Donna, Christine."

She stopped for a moment, there was something in his voice, something that was demanding her attention. Slowly she turned to face him once more.

"Christine, most people think that we are a young couple on our honeymoon… and I have been telling them that." He started.

"You've what?" she asked confused.

"I thought at the time, it would be for the best… so that people didn't wonder where your chaperone is. It was after the first week I realized, it really felt as if we were on a honeymoon… except, um… without… the rel…"

"I understand Raoul, you don't have to say it if you don't want to." She interrupted.

"Without us making love yet Christine, but understand it's not that I'm embarrassed by the thought of making love to you, I ache for it with every fiber of my being… I long to embrace you and hold you against me, knowing you'll be mine till death parts us. I lost you once Christine, I don't plan on ever loosing you again." He whispered in her hair, as he held her tight to his body. Christine's heart began to race; no man had ever been as direct to her as Raoul had just been in those few moments. She was indeed terrified by the thought of 'being his forever' but not because he repulsed her, but because it was something she never thought she would obtain.

"What are you saying Raoul?" she asked hesitantly.

"I'm asking you to be my wife, Christine." He said slipping a beautiful engagement ring onto her small finger.

"Oh Raoul… this is… oh…" She flustered.

It had been an hour into her ride when the carriage had come up beside her.

"Come Madame, it has to do with your child! She has taken ill!" the driver told Christine. Panicked, Christine abandoned Phantom on the side of the road and entered the carriage. When she closed the door she yelled for the driver to continue, and sat back against the cushions.
The carriage began to race full speed down the road, causing her head to crash back against the wall. Her vision wavered in pain, but even overtop of her grief, and her throbbing head, she knew something was wrong.

"The house is back that way!" She called to the driver, but he continued to drive at full speed away from her estate.