A Weiß Mary Sue
Written by Sakki
I know I'm an idiot. Please don't rub it in.
~~~
"A she. I can't believe there's a GIRL joining our team," muttered Aya.
"Oh, don't be so mean, Aya!" Omi chastised. "I'm sure that if Kritiker picked her, she must be well qualified for the job."
The only thing that irritated Aya even more than he was currently was the fact that his youngest and most hyper teammate was reprimanding him. A single crack was audible as his knuckles turned white.
"Sit down, Bombay. I need to give you all the information on her." Manx pulled out four folders.
"What about the mission?" asked Aya.
"Oh, there's information in here." Manx handed him a very thick folder. "It's at the bottom."
While the other three males in the room ripped open their folders and started looking for pictures of the to-be female assassin, Aya shifted through the inch-thick stack of papers he'd received for any hints on their mission. After five minutes of looking he found a single sheet with four paragraphs on it.
Four? This is a mission about two American murderers and we get four paragraphs of information on the whole thing? –Four- -goddamn- -paragraphs- -?!- What the hell is the rest of this, then?!
Aya grabbed the first sheet of paper that wasn't about the mission.
It had information on the girl that was joining.
Very detailed information.
"…Manx."
"What is it, Abyssinian?"
"Why…the hell…do we need to know this girl's clothing size?"
~~~
Earlier that morning, Brad Crawford had been jarred out of his sleep rather rudely by the laws of gravity. That is to say, he fell out of bed. But Brad Crawford never used such simple terms.
He'd decided to get up as long as he was awake and (with some difficulty) untangled himself from the sheets. Then to the bathroom, and into the shower. A nice lukewarm shower that wouldn't relax him but wouldn't shock him awake, either.
His visions had chosen that moment to take effect on him. They'd waited until the exact moment that he shut his eyes while standing on that very slippery fake linoleum shower floor.
So when he came to ten minutes later, he was being pelted with water and his head hurt like a bitch.
If that was you, Schuldich, the Oracle had thought to himself as he toweled off, I will personally see to the very sudden demise of your legs.
Since there had been no response, he assumed Schuldich was either asleep or laughing out loud. If the former was true, it had been a real vision; the latter, and Schuldich would be in a body cast for the next six months.
Currently Brad was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and reading the newspaper. Nagi was asleep with his head on top of a few uncomfortable-looking notebooks across from him. Farfarello was, predictably, still in his cell, and Schuldich never got up earlier than 10 in the morning.
So if that was…
"Mmngh…" Nagi raised his head from the papers and blinked sleepily. "Wuzzamatter…"
"Good morning," Brad said in his usual crisp way.
Nagi looked at him, then at his notebooks, then back up at Brad, and lastly at the clock.
"I fell asleep…?"
"That appears to be the case."
"What time is it…?"
"You're looking at the clock. You tell me."
"…Seven…fifteen."
It took a few minutes for Nagi to realize that he was supposed to have left fifteen minutes ago (although by the time it registered it was 18 minutes). He leapt up from his chair, rammed his notebooks and pencils in a bag, and ran out the door so fast a crack appeared in both it and the doorframe.
Wonderful. More bills.
Four cups of coffee and the entire Business section of the newspaper later, Schuldich appeared in the doorway. It was 8:00. Brad was impressed.
"You're up early."
"…kaffee*…"
"It's over by the sink."
Schuldich half crawled, half stumbled toward the coffee maker like something just pulled from a graveyard. His hair resembled a cat pulled out of a dryer.
After some struggle the German managed to get a cup out of the cupboard and pour coffee into it. He sat down at the table, took a massive gulp from his mug, and choked.
"Ack – hot – ack – ack…"
"Did you expect it to be cold?"
"Ack – no – ack – ououou – ouuu…."
Schuldich dropped a few ice cubes in his coffee and watched them melt. Brad set down his newspaper and looked across the table at him.
"When did you wake up?"
"Ten minutes ago?"
"Were you awake earlier than that?"
"Don't think so. When you wake up, you generally weren't awake before that."
"I meant, did you wake up and go back to sleep, then wake up again."
"Don't think so."
"Think harder."
"No, I didn't, Brad-ley." Schuldich looked back down at his coffee and tested the temperature with one finger. "Ow. Scheiße on a frickin' stick."
"Don't call me that."
"Why? You have a vision or something?"
"No, because I – Oh. Yes, I did have a vision. A very odd one, too."
There was a sudden loud clang, followed by what sounded like something being ripped into pieces by a great force.
"Can it wait? Farfarello seems to feel forgotten."
"Hn."
~~~
"Manx!"
"What is it now, Siberian?"
"I just remembered something!"
And this is what, the second time in your life it's happened?
"What did you remember, Siberian?"
"I had a dream last night! I want to tell everybody about it. Can I? Please?"
"Oh, go ahead. It's not like I could stop you anyway…"
Aya lifted his head from his hand slightly. He'd been looking through the stack of paper about their newest team member for the last twenty minutes, and now even Ken's lack of common sense was sounding like a welcome change.
"Well, I was running down the street, and I was in my assassin gear, when suddenly this guy aimed a gun at me. And I was so sure I was going to die!"
"Did you see the guy, Ken?" asked Omi, eyes wide.
"Was it one of those damn Schwarz bastards?" asked Yohji, peering over his sunglasses.
"Was it a member of Kritiker, or an assassin of any form?" asked Manx, leaning somewhat revealingly against a nearby wall.
Do we care who was aiming a gun at him since it's happened fifty times in the last month? Aya desperately wanted to ask.
"I don't know! But that doesn't matter. Because then just as he was firing, this girl leapt in front of me! She jumped in the path of my bullet and caught it in her teeth!"
Everybody was silent for a variety of different reasons.
"I was so amazed! And the guy who was aiming the gun at me screamed and dropped his gun and tried to run, but the girl threw a knife at him and it decapitated him, even though it was only two inches long! Then she turned to me and I saw her in the light, and I swear to God she was an angel! She had long blonde hair that shone like the sun itself, and her skin was perfect and flawless. She had eyes that were as blue as…as…" Ken struggled for a metaphor. "…as…as the sky!"
Aya slipped off the couch.
"Well, better than the sky. But they were still really blue! Light blue. And her lips were all full and beautiful and red like…like cherries or…or…or the red on my motorcycle! Yeah, that's better. Anyway, she was tall and had…erm…well…"
"Really big boobs?" offered Yohji.
"Er…yeah." Ken blushed a little. "They were…well…"
"Really, really big?" Yohji said, grinning.
"…yeah. So anyway, she was wearing this outfit that fit on her every curve like the way my motorcycle moves around windy roads, and it was black and sleek and made of leather or velvet or silk or something. And it was shiny!"
Out of a million words, he picks 'shiny'.
"Shiny?" Omi's brow furrowed in an attempt to bring himself down to the level of someone who would use the word 'shiny'. "Be a little more descriptive, Ken."
"I can't! It was…it was shiny!"
Aya climbed back onto the couch and picked up his spilled papers. In a minute his head was going to explode from the extreme lack of intelligence Ken was emitting.
"So anyway, on the outfit she had all these designs of roses and flowers and stuff. It was really cool. And she had long slender fingers with black gloves on them and a bunch of guns at her hip and three swords on her back and they were all made of cool gemstones and she was wearing this necklace that was really really pretty and I couldn't believe she was real!"
"Ken, she wasn't real."
"That's not the point!" Ken said with stars in his eyes. "The point is that she was beautiful and I think that she might be the girl joining the team!"
"You might be right," Manx said, heading up the stairs. "Anyway, like I said, she'll be here at about six o'clock this evening, so you four better be ready and waiting down here. Omi, I want you to run her through the best hacker test you have. Ken, Yohji, you two clean up the place. Aya, clean up the shop."
"It's 7:30, Manx."
"Clean it up."
A vein on Aya's forehead pulsed rapidly. "I just opened it. I just got everything arranged. I am going to sell flowers today, Manx."
"Whatever. Have it cleaned up before she gets here." With that, Persia's scantily clad secretary sauntered up the stairs, possibly to go to back to Kritiker headquarters, possibly to go to a bar.
Aya hesitated for a minute, then went up the stairs himself. His job was to sell flowers during the day and he was damn well going to sell them whether some stupid girl was coming or not.
Halfway across town, Crawford rubbed his temples as he listened to the latest report from Esset. They wanted him to find a girl who was joining Weiß, kidnap her, and bring her to them. She was vital, they said, to ruling the world because of her 'untapped power within'.
He closed the cellphone when they were done and wondered if he could sneak some of Farfarello's tranquilizers into his room.
~~~
So. Hate it? Love it? Wish it would spontaneously combust? Either way imma keep writing it. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. Ha. ha. ._.
* - The German word for coffee. Usually a lot more potent than the stuff we drink here.