A Weiß Mary Sue
Written by Sakki
Ow, my cardiovascular system.
~~~
Aya glared into the cup of coffee he'd bought. It glared right back at him with eyes as fierce as his, but not quite as purple.
"Why did you tell me to buy this particular…breed?" he asked Crawford, who was casually stirring his own mug of coffee.
"Normally, coffee comes in flavors, not breeds," the American responded. "This particular flavor is foreign and I believe you'll like it."
Aya reached for a packet of sugar, but Crawford stopped him.
"It's already sweet. You don't need this."
"Just let me do what I want."
"Well…" Crawford thought for a moment, then released the sugar packet. "I suppose so. You won't have many choices in the weeks to follow."
Aya, who had been dumping the sugar into his mug, glared at Crawford through his bangs. "What does that mean?"
"Take a drink and then I'll tell you."
Aya seized his spoon and began to stir the thick brown liquid vigorously.
After a minute or two of sipping his own drink, Crawford saw Aya looking at him with something like hate and mistrust in his eyes.
"What's that look for?"
"You're trying to kill me, aren't you."
"I don't know what you're talking about. Does the coffee taste bad?"
"It just ate my spoon, Crawford."
The American raised one eyebrow and glanced at the mug, which bubbled with something suspiciously akin to laughter.
"That's German coffee for you."
"I think I'll pass." Aya pushed the mug toward Crawford. "Now tell me. How do we kill her? With German coffee?"
"Good suggestion, but no. It would only traumatize her."
"Can I get you anything else?" asked a sudden waitress. Crawford looked at her. Aya only gave her a slight glance.
"Yes. Plain coffee for him."
Aya let out a low growl.
"…are you…sure?" said the waitress, looking at Aya suspiciously.
"Yes."
"All…all right." She scribbled something down. "That's it, then?"
"We'll call if we need anything else."
"'Kay." The girl scampered off.
"Crawford."
"Hm?" The American idly sipped his drink.
"If I need something, I will order it. I do not require coffee, and especially not at this time of night."
"Suit yourself."
Aya glowered again at the older man sitting across from him, then leaned back and hooked an arm over the edge of the chair. He was pissed. God damn you, Crawford. You probably had a vision and that's why you showed up. I wonder if this is all just one of your stupid little mind games designed to make me look like an idiot. It'll probably end up with you shooting me in the shoulder or something. You probably never even thought twice about this stupid girl.
"Here you go." A steaming white mug on a plate was set before him. This one looked normal. It didn't reflect him as vigorously as the other cup (which was still sitting on the table and bubbling in anger). It actually looked safe.
Just to be sure, Aya ripped open a little mini-pack of sugar with his teeth and dumped it into the thick liquid.
"You like sweet things?"
Aya glared up at Crawford through his bangs, which had fallen annoyingly into his face.
"No. I don't. I just don't trust this."
"Of course."
After a few moments of silence between the two and a few hesitant sips of coffee on Aya's part, the redhead put down his cup with more force than was needed. Crawford hardly looked at him.
"You have something to say?"
"How are we going to kill her?"
"Who said anything about killing?"
"You did!"
"We don't have to kill her. We can just dispose of her."
"That's the same thing, you stupid bastard."
"You should be careful with your language, Aya."
"Fuck you!"
"You're very stubborn," Crawford commented. Aya fumed and almost broke the handle on his cup. "All right. In order to get rid of one of her kind, which has often been codenamed 'The Perfect Girl', we need to assess her weaknesses."
"She doesn't have any."
Silence. Crawford cleared his throat.
"Everybody has at least one weakness."
"And I'm sure you know all of them."
"I know several of yours…"
"Fuck y – mmph!"
Aya was brought to a stop mid-curse because Crawford had reached over and pressed two fingers against his mouth.
"If you say that again, I may be forced to hurt you."
Aya only glared. Something crawled up his spine in the disgust that his enemy was touching him.
"I'm going to guess that making you figure it out on your own would be too difficult for you, so I'll tell it to you straight out."
Aya resisted the urge to bite off Crawford's fingers.
"Obviously, both your teammates and mine are in love with her. They'll do anything for her."
"Despite the fact that most of your teammates would never love anything, and that Farfarello is completely incapable of even feeling the slightest sympathy for anything," Aya shot out as soon as he'd forced Crawford's hand aside.
"Like I said earlier, she has an interesting way of making any kind of man fall prey to her. So consider that we are not yet in love with her."
Aya nodded.
"There are only two of us, and if we work together, we will continue to not fall in love with her."
Aya nodded again.
"However, we need to make it obvious to her that we are not in love with her but with someone else."
Aya didn't nod. He just stared.
"Understand me yet?"
"…I refuse to fall in love with some girl, Crawford."
"We won't be dealing with girls. They're too easy for her to get rid of."
"Then how are we going to make it 'obvious' that we're not her bitches?"
Crawford raised one eyebrow at Aya.
Aya looked at him.
"…I'm not clear yet."
Crawford sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Aya bristled.
"Aya, we're going to have to make the appearance that we like each other."
This time, Aya didn't nod. Nor did he stare. Instead, he froze. All the color vanished from his already pale face. He was like that for several minutes before Crawford was tempted to tug one of his eartails to see if he was still alive.
"…excuse me," said the readhead quietly. He stood up, walked over to the exit, and stepped out the door.
Crawford sipped his coffee.
"EEEEEEEIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"
All conversation in the coffee shop came to a total standstill. Everybody except Crawford peered in the direction of the slightly muffled scream, wondering what could cause such a thing.
Then there was a series of smashing sounds.
"WHY " smash "THE FUCK " crash "DO I " bash "HAVE TO " sproing "FUCKING " phloooph "HAVE THIS HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!" bashcrashwham
Shortly after that, Aya stepped in the door, his face slightly red and rather bloody. People stared at him as he walked over to the table where Crawford was sitting and slumped into a chair.
"Feeling better?" the American asked calmly.
"Mmmf," was the response.
"You should get someone to look at those wounds. After all, slamming your head into a brick wall isn't very healthy."
"Fugoo."
Crawford reached over and tugged on one of Aya's eartails. Hard.
"OW!" Aya sat up and glared. "What was that for?"
"You said it again."
"What, fuck you? OW!"
"Swearing is common. You seem like you'd be above most people."
Aya growled but didn't otherwise respond. He rubbed his temples.
"I am not going to do anything with you, Schwarz bastard."
"If you want to remain as you are you'll have to."
"Fu - …it won't…we're not doing anything serious."
"Of course not," said Crawford, setting down his coffee mug for the tenth time. "We'll start out light and see how much is required to make her explode."
"…make her explode?"
"Well, that's how they usually go, anyway."
~~~
So. Hate it? Love it? Wish it would spontaneously combust? Either way imma keep writing it. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. Ha. ha. ._.