A Weiß Mary Sue
Written by Sakki
If you can tell me how sex can be both wet and earthy at the same time, I'll give you a cookie.
~~~
"Oh, hi, Aya-kun!" called an overly cheerful voice as Aya stepped in the door to the flower shop.
Somewhere on his forehead, a pulse twitched.
Mary-Sue flounced* into the kitchen, honey-gold hair pulled back into a ponytail. It swished as her head bobbed up and down, and a few strands came loose to hang next to her sparkling sapphire eyes. She gave him a sweet smile that would warm the coldest and cruelest of hearts, and she clutched her hands tightly to her chest in an overly-innocent manner.
"Where ever did you go? You've been gone such a long time!" Then she noticed his bleeding forehead. "Oh my gosh! You're bleeding!"
Aya tried to brush her off and go to his room where he could make a Crawford voodoo doll and cause it undue pain and suffering, but Mary-Sue grabbed his arm and forced him into a chair. She did this, he noticed, without actually putting any effort into it, despite the fact that his muscle mass** probably weighed more than her entire body.
"Oh, no! It looks like you ran into a brick wall!"
Aya didn't mention just how close she was.
"Well, I'll have to take care of this. Ken! Bring me the first aid kit! Omi, Yohji, come in here and help me with Aya!"
"Yes ma'am!" called Ken, followed by a series of thumps.
"What? Aya-kun?! Is he hurt?!" Omi came dashing into the kitchen with Yohji in tow.
"Just a little bit. But it could be serious. Don't worry, I'll save his life!" Mary-Sue looked at Aya in a funny way. "Aya-kun? Did you just make that noise? Was it because you're having trouble breathing?! Oh my gosh! I think he's going into shock!"
The noise she had heard was indeed Aya, but it was because he was holding back a fit of laughter and had choked on his own mirth.
"I'm fine!" he snapped just as Ken ran into the kitchen. Mary-Sue took the first aid kit from him and proceeded to 'work her magic'.
"Wow!" said Omi as the girl flew back and forth between a stunned Aya and an immobile first aid kit. "You're really good at that!"
"Thanks, Omi-kun!" she said with a giggle. "See, I went to med school a couple years ago, but I dropped out because it wasn't challenging enough!"
Aya felt his pulse start to throb painfully.
"Wooowwww…"
After five minute, there was a nice bandage and a few straps of gauze over the once-bleeding wound on Aya's head. He stood up as soon as Mary-Sue finished and stormed out of the room, totally intent on making sure Crawford did not get any sleep whatsoever tonight.
The others watched him go and blinked.
"Who peed in his cheerios?"*** Yohji asked.
~~~
The next morning, Aya walked into the flower shop, planning to open shop.
He was met with a blast of bright sunlight.
He hissed and cringed back, hands over his eyes. He swore he could feel his skin burning and shriveling into dust.
"Good morning, Aya-kun!"
Oh, damn.
"What…are you…doing?!"
"I'm opening up shop!" Mary-Sue hopped down from her ladder perch and smiled sweetly right in Aya's face. This morning she had pulled her hair into two curly pigtails with pink binders, and her bangs waved just above her perfect eyebrows. She was wearing a pink tank top, blue jean shorts, knee socks that somehow managed to stay on her legs and pink sneakers. None of her clothes were in the least bit soiled even though she had been moving huge pots of dirt around earlier.
"That's my job," said Aya quietly.
"Oh, but you should be resting, Aya-kun!" she said sweetly, blinking at him with long lashes. "After all, you were hurt yesterday. What made that happen, anyway?"
Although he was dearly tempted to tell the truth and see if she exploded, the very though of the words Crawford had spoken made him want to bash his head into the nearest wall again. So he settled for narrowing his eyes and giving her his trademark 'Glare-'o-Death'.
It didn't work.
"Aya-kun? Are you ok? Ohmigosh, your eye is twitching! That can be a prelude to a serious brain disease!"
"I'M NOT DISEASED!"
Mary-Sue looked at him without speaking for a moment. Then she turned and began arranging a pot of pink daisies.
"Aya-kun, do you usually get this angry? I'm trained as a counselor, you know. Your internal rage could be linked to your sister's accident."
Oh, you're a brillia – WAIT. "How the fuck did you know about that?!"
"Well, when they put me on the team, I looked through all your files to see what you were like." She turned and faced him again, smiling happily. "You know, I'd be happy to help you sort through your problems. It's good to talk to someone sometimes!"
Aya's forehead pulse ran like an ABS¹.
"I," he began, fighting to control his voice, "have no desire to share my problems with anybody, much less you."
"Aya-kun!" said Mary-Sue, frowning. "That was mean! You should really learn how to relate better with people."
If it hadn't been for the entry of Ken and Omi at that exact moment, Aya would have seriously doubted the continuation of Mary-Sue's ability to speak. Or breathe, for that matter.
"Morning, Aya-kun, Mary-Sue-chan!" said Omi cheerfully. Ken, being half-awake, grunted.
"Good morning, Omi-kun and Ken-kun! Where's Yohji-kun?"
"Still in bed. Yohji's not a morning person."
"As in, he never sees the light of dawn?" asked Mary-Sue with a grin. They all laughed, sans Aya, who had begun his work of setting up the shop. Much to his dismay he found that all that was left to do was open the metal door. Mary-Sue had taken care of everything else, of course.
He began rearranging roses anyway and listened to the mindless chatter of his teammates.
"So, Mary-Sue-chan, when did you wake up?"
"Oh, at about five. I've been setting up the shop since then!"
"Wow! That means you've already set up the entire shop!"
"Yeah. I actually finished maybe an hour ago, at about 6. I was just making some arrangements. See the pink daisy one?"
"Woah! I've never seen pink daisies before!"
"They're a special breed. Only I know how to grow them! It's very complex."
"You're amazing, Mary-Sue-chan!"
"Yeah, totally amazing!"
"Why thank you, thank you!"
Let's think for a moment. Aya's forehead pulse had been going like an ABS, which is (for those of you who haven't taken driver's education yet), an anti-lock brake system. It causes a very fast pumping motion on the brake cable, which causes the car to slow down and stop safely. It does this much faster than any human can possibly attempt.
Now let's imagine that the ABS malfunctions and goes at twenty-three times its normal speed, and apply this to Aya's forehead pulse.
Thud.
Mary-Sue looked over her shoulder, as did Omi and Ken, and stared at a collapsed and twitching Aya.
"…What's wrong with him?" Ken said.
"OMIGOSH! AYA-KUN!" Mary-Sue rushed over to the redhead's side and pulled his head into her lap. "Aya-kun! Aya-kun! Speak to me! Omigosh, I think he's having a seizure!" She placed her ear over his heart. "His heart is still beating and he's breathing. That's good. Omi-kun, Ken-kun! Get me a box, quickly!" Ken took off, but Omi continued to stand there, staring in utter horror at Aya's jerking body.
How had Mary-Sue gone from hysterical to perfectly calm and level-headed in a matter of milliseconds? The world will never know². Except Mary-Sue. She knows everything.
"Omi-kun! What are you just standing there for?! Go get me some ice, quick!" She turned Aya's head to his side and pinned his body down to keep him from hurting himself. Omi blinked, looked at Mary-Sue, and rushed into the kitchen.
In the absence of anybody else, Mary-Sue looked at Aya and gently stroked his hair. "Oh, Aya-kun…what could have caused this? I told you to lie down and relax…"
Slowly, she leaned forward, her eyelids lowering slightly and a few gleaming strands of gold-blonde hair falling into her face³. She looked at his pale, twitching eyelids, and his jerking frame, and quietly murmured his name.
"Aya-kun…"
Her full lips brushed his cheek and then landed on his lips, locking them in an eternal, passionate embrace…
That's about when Aya opened his eyes.
~~~
Crawford leaned casually against the side of a nondescript building and watched the people go by. He'd had a vision this morning while he was drinking his coffee, which was why he was more uptight than usual. Fortunately it was going to work to his advantage, even if it had resulted in the permanent dispersion of his favorite Armani pants.
He glanced at his watch.
Thirty-six, thirty-five, thirty-four…
A man wearing sunglasses went running passed, chased by a gaggle of obvious fangirls, who were screaming 'Gackt-samaaa!' over and over.
Thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight…
Another girl followed the latter, only this one was somewhat blonde and going much slower due to the attachment of another, brown-haired girl to her legs.
Twenty-four, twenty-three, twenty-two…
As he watched the two latest girls go by, the brown-haired one pulled out a tranquilizer gun and fired seventeen bullets into the blonde one's head.
Nineteen, eighteen, seventeen…
That's interesting, Crawford thought blandly. They hardly slowed her down. She must have German ancestry.
Thirteen, twelve, eleven…
The blonde girl managed to break free and tear off after the gaggle of fangirls while the brown-haired down sat down on the pavement and tied a tie around her head.
Eight, seven, six…
Crawford shifted his position.
Five, four, three…
He heard hurried footsteps.
Two.
He got a glimpse of red hair.
One.
Almost casually, he stuck a foot directly in the path of the running redhead. Wait – that was too crude sounding. Let's say he conveniently extended his foot in an attempt to circulate the blood in his leg and it just managed to be at the exact same time that this certain person was tearing down the sidewalk.
Aya tripped and slammed face-first into the rain puddle that had formed overnight.
"And here I thought you were the graceful one."
A few bubbles rose from the puddle, which Crawford interpreted to be 'fuck you'.
"That makes seven and three-fourths times you've said that to me. You really need to clean up your language."
Aya lifted his face from the puddle but didn't look at Crawford.
"…seven and three-fourths."
"Yes."
"…you calculated?"
"You've said it completely six times. The others were fragments."
"…fuck you. OW!"
"Eight and three-fourths." Crawford met Aya's pained glare. "Say it again and I'll do more than kick you in the ribs."
"God…" Aya mumbled a string of unintelligible curses under his breath and stood up. Mud and water dripped off every part of him and stained his once-impeccable black pants.
"Since you're so dirty, why don't you come back to my place and change?"
The glare he received normally would have caused marble to crack. Fortunately, steel is harder than stone˚.
"I'll go back to the shop." Crawford raised an eyebrow.
"Do you really want to go back there?"
Silence.
"…fuck you."
Crawford kicked him in the stomach.
~~~
"Are your shoes lined with lead or something?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Because I've got a bruise the size of Hokkaido now."
"I just kick forcefully."
Aya glared at the back of Crawford's head and leaned back into the couch. Crawford had his own personal apartment, away from the Schwarz residence. Apparently it was a recent acquisition.
There was some furniture in it, and even though it smelled like paint, Aya had to admit it was nice. The only downside was that he wished he was anywhere but here. Or the flower shop.
Crawford dried his hands on a towel and looked over at Aya.
"You look absolutely disgusted."
"I'm in an apartment with my worst enemy. How do you think I feel?"
"Cleaner than ten minutes ago, I presume."
"Fu - …shpadoinkle."
Crawford gave Aya a strange look. "Shpadoinkle?"
"Shpadoinkle."
"…well, in any case, that makes nine times in total."
"What? I didn't say it!"
"You said a fourth of it. That makes it an even nine."
"I hate you."
"I'm not even going to count how many times you've said that." The American crossed the room and sat down on the chair across from Aya. "Feeling any better?"
"No." Aya pulled at the sleeve of the shirt he was wearing, wondering vaguely why Crawford had t-shirts if he only wore white Armani. "How did you know I…was…" He fought to word the question properly. "…how do you know why I came running down the streets, Schwarz bastard?"
"Call me Crawford. And I foresaw it."
"Thought so. And no way."
"Why not?"
"Because you're a piece of shit, that's why."
"Language, Aya."
"Don't correct my language. And don't use my name. It sounds like filth coming from you."
"Aside from the fact that it's actually your sister's name, and a girl's name meaning 'woven silk' at that."
"Fuck you!" Aya snarled before remembering what was going to happen.
Crawford fist collided with his ribcage.
"Ten," he heard as he tried to regain his breath. "It's only going to get worse every time you say it, so I suggest you stop using it."
"Fuck you – oh, shpadoin-"
Crack.
~~~
So. Hate it? Love it? Wish it would spontaneously combust? Either way imma keep writing it. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. Ha. ha. ._.
* - what kind of word is 'flounced'?
** - Or lack thereof.
*** - Possibly the only thing good about the English dub was that line.
¹ - Automatic Brake System.
² - Oh, and last time I counted, it took me 562 and 7/8th licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop.
³ - omfg her hair didn't stay perfect :O!!!!11!1!11!111!!1one
˚ - If you don't get it, read the Fairy Tales.