A Weiß Mary Sue
Written by Sakki
Shpadoinkle: (shpah-DOYN-kuhl) 1. (verb) To shpadoinkle. 2. (adjective, noun) To be used in place of any word such as a swear word, adjective describing anything, or joke word. 3. (noun) A shpadoinkle day!
~~~
The first thing Aya noticed when he woke up was that he was alone in a twin sized bed.
That was good.
The second thing he noticed was that he was wearing clothes.
That was also good.
The third thing he noticed was the searing pain in his face, the throbbing pain in his stomach, the stabbing pain in his chest, the dull pain in his right hand, the agonizing pain in his left hand, the shooting pain in his left leg, the sharp pain in his right kneecap, and the horrifying pain in his cardiovascular system.
That was bad.
The last thing he noticed was that he was not in his bed.
That was also bad.
Aya opened his eyes as fast as he could and for a moment thought he was somewhere in heaven. Everything was white – the walls, the furniture, the doors, the windows, the curtains, even the bed itself.
Shit, he thought as he sat up. If this is the afterlife, I must still be feeling the repercussions of why I'm here.
Then the door opened, and Aya remembered that he was indeed still alive. Mostly because he knew that Crawford could never attain the rank of an angel (or even get into heaven).
"You're awake. I was starting to think my last attack sent you into a coma."
"You could never hit that hard," Aya snarled.
"I hit hard enough to 'leave a bruise the size of Hokkaido', as you implied," Crawford said. "And that was only on your stomach."
"Fffffsssnnfhdkslj…"
"Good, you're starting to learn." Crawford offered Aya a cup of some dark liquid. "Coffee?"
"It better not be alive again."
"If it is, feel free to throw it out the window."
"What if it crawls back in?"
"We capture it and sell it to a research laboratory, claiming it's a new breed of flying squirrel."
~~~
"Aya-kuuuuuun!" called Omi.
"Aya! Ayaaaaaa!" yelled Ken.
"Hey, Aya! Your sister woke up!" hollered Yohji.*
"Yohji-kun, don't say that!" Mary-Sue scolded.
"Oh…sorry, Mary-Sue."
The pretty blonde girl smiled at Yohji before turning back toward the street and calling for Aya. Yohji looked at her swirling locks and sighed dreamily.
"Isn't she beautiful?" he asked Ken.
"Um…yeah."
"I hope she wants to go out with me."
"Yohji-kun!" Omi said, turning to glare at his teammate. "You shouldn't date your own teammates!**"
"But look at her!" Yohji gazed lovingly at Mary-Sue as she dashed across the road, still calling for Aya. "She's pretty, she's loyal, she's strong, clever, creative, undeniably cute, fast, a good cook, a great swimmer, and damn can she shpadoinkle!"
Omi blinked. "What does that mean?"
"I have no idea. But it's true!"
"Er, guys?" Ken said, looking at the opposite side of the street.
"Yeah?"
"She's gone."
"What?!" Yohji and Omi both jumped up and whirled to look where Ken was looking. Sure enough, the girl was gone. All three boys yelped her name and went tearing through traffic to try and find her.
Aya was totally forgotten.
Meanwhile, Mary-Sue was poking through an abandoned alley. "Aya-kun? Did you get stuck in here?" She kicked over a few boxes and sifted neatly through a pile of old newspapers. "Aya-kun…"
Down at the end of the alley, something slid through the shadows. Mary-Sue jumped to attention and glared around her.
"Who's there? Aya-kun? Is that you?"
There was no response except for a slight shifting of newspapers.
"…whoever's there, come out right now!"
Again – no response.
"I said come out!" Mary-Sue was getting nervous. She didn't have a weapon, and none of her teammates were around to aid her. Of course she was trained in martial arts and had ascended to a black belt when she was twelve, but still – what if they were just as good? Even though that was impossible. What if they had a gun? But she could dodge bullets.
It was her nature to be nervous at a time like this.
Suddenly, three shadowed figures jumped out and the tallest one strode toward her, holding out one hand…
"KYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"
"MARY-SUE!" cried Yohji, rushing in the direction of the scream. Ken and Omi followed suit. They ran as fast as they could and into an alleyway where Mary-Sue was surrounded by –
"Schwarz!" snarled Ken, wishing he'd brought his claws with him.
"Schwarz!" Omi said, obviously horrified.
"Schwarz!" was the only thing Yohji managed to get out because of what he was seeing.
It was Schwarz, but they weren't trying to kill Mary-Sue. No, in fact, Schuldig, who was right in front of her, was holding out a small box in which there must have been some valuable piece of jewelry. Nagi had flowers, and Farfarello had…well, Yohji didn't even want to know what that man was holding.
"Oh! Hi, Yohji-kun!" said Mary-Sue, turning and smiling. "These nice men asked me if I'd like some gifts!"
"You can't trust them!" Omi said after a moment of shocked silence. "They're our enemy!"
"But…" Mary-Sue frowned, and looked at Nagi. "Nagi-kun, do you hate my friends?"
"Of course not," responded the normally calm boy in a worshipful tone of voice.
"See? We can all be friends!" Mary-Sue smiled happily and took the box from Schuldig. "Ok! Let's all go back to the flower shop!"
Everybody followed Mary-Sue as she bounced away except for Ken. He was trying to remember why they had come out here in the first place. Something about…a missing teammate? He counted on his fingers. There had always been four people on their team, and there were four people here right now that were in Weiss.
Maybe they'd gone out for ice cream. ***
~~~
"I refuse to kiss you."
"You won't have to."
"So you're going to take the initiative?"
"As much as I hate thinking about it, yes."
"Why don't we just poison her tea or something?"
"Because she's immune to poison, Weiss."
"She can't be. Isn't she 17?"
"Sixteen, and she is."
"You can't be immune to poison. I'm not. You're not."
"We're not women."
"Women aren't, either!"
Crawford sighed and set down his cup of coffee. "Aya, listen. She's been here for nearly 24 hours now, and already both of our teams have fallen madly in love with her. Girls like her work fast. Next, she'll try to seduce you. I'm probably the last one she'll aim for."
"Why? Because you're the oldest?"
"Most likely." Crawford glared at him. "It doesn't matter right now. What we need to do is see if she's strong or weak."
"How?"
"Well, consider the start of this conversation. If I kiss you and she explodes, then everything's fine and we part ways, never to speak of this again."
"And if she doesn't?"
"Then we move on."
Aya stirred his coffee with a thin spoon.
"…we move on. What does that mean?"
"It means we use a higher level of intimacy and see if that makes her explode." Crawford took a sip of his coffee. "We'll continue until she explodes. If the highest level doesn't work, then we can resign ourselves to suicide."
Aya blinked. "You mean, give up."
"In a sense, yes."
"You would actually consider giving up?"
"Would you rather be the slave to a perfect woman who would probably kill your sister just to eliminate rivalry?"
"If she comes anywhere near my sister, I'll - "
"Exactly."
Aya glowered at Crawford and put his coffee on the bedside table.
"One more thing."
"Shoot."
"Just what is the 'highest level'?"
"You don't want to know."
"Tell me."
"Trust me. You don't want to know."
"Schwarz, I swear…"
"I'll tell you if we need to get that far. Otherwise it wouldn't be worth it."
He would have pressed harder if his cardiovascular system hadn't been throbbing in pain. Instead he straightened his back and strengthened his glower.
"What about syrup of ipecac?"
"Excuse me?" Crawford raised an eyebrow.
"Syrup of ipecac. You've heard of it, Schwarz bastard."
"Of course I have. It causes whoever drinks it to suffer painful spasms."
"You stupid uptight fu - …why don't we just put that in her tea or something? She's way too thin to be healthy. She might throw up her stomach."
"Under any normal circumstance, I would actually consider that. Unfortunately she would smell it before she drank it."
Aya's glare lost its anger.
"Smell it."
"Yes." Crawford calmly set down his cup of coffee.
"…you…can't…smell…syrup of ipecac."
"She can."
Aya's pulse began to throb visibly on his forehead. Crawford glanced at it.
"You know, that's something that's supposed to develop when you're in your forties."
What happened next wasn't clear to either man. All they knew was that Aya attacked Crawford in some way, form, or presence and the two of them wound up on the floor. Crawford was trying to stop Aya from clawing out both their eyes, and Aya was flailing like a fish out of water.
"GOD – FUCKING – DAMN – YOU!" shrieked the furious redhead. "YOU FUCKING – PERVERTED – ASSHOLE! YOU JUST WANT TO – mmmph!"
Crawford had managed to free one of his hands and clamp it over Aya's mouth. He gave Aya a glare that made him half wish looks could kill.
"Look, Weiss. I can completely understand how angry you are. I know that you would rather do anything than consort with me or even come within ten feet of me. But this girl is perfect. She will not be so easily defeated. I have explained this to you before, so just accept it and live with it. If you don't you will never see your sister again. For that matter, you'll never see anybody except that girl again. So if you want to continue living as you did before her arrival, agree to work with me."
Aya bit down on Crawford's palm. Crawford lifted his hand and continued glaring.
"…Only if you swear that you won't do anything…funny."
"I can't do that. I'll do what I have to do."
Aya cursed under his breath. There was no way he was going to agree to work with his second worst enemy without some sort of boundary.
"How about I stop beating you up whenever you swear?" Crawford suggested.
"…I…guess."
"Excellent." The older man got off Aya and stood up. "We can carry out the first phase and the lightest level today, if you'd like."
"Explain it." Aya pulled himself to his feet.
"I'll do that, and then we can…practice." Crawford straightened his tie, ignoring Aya's suddenly horrified glare. "Just to make sure you don't try to kill me when she actually sees us. Why don't you go stand next to the wall…"
So. Hate it? Love it? Wish it would spontaneously combust? Either way imma keep writing it. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. Ha. ha. ._.
This was a p.o.s. chapter. I swear I'll make it up to all of yas in the next chapter.
* - Ooooh god that was a painful three lines.
** - … *cough*
*** - And that, my friends, is what we know as a completely pointless interlude. I wanted to stick Schwarz in again so I threw them in for…absolutely no reason. ;-; shoot me