A Weiß Mary Sue
Written by Sakki
~~~
"You are the wimpiest assassin I have ever met."
"Shut the fuck up."
"You'd think that even a normal person would be able to put up with that."
"I said, shut up."
"It wasn't much, after all."
"Will you just shut up?!"
Aya was crouched in a corner of the apartment bedroom, glaring at Crawford over his shoulder. He was rubbing his lips, which were rather swollen and possibly bruised, and he couldn't tell if he was still blushing or not.
Crawford, meanwhile, was sitting all too casually on the bed, waiting for Aya to get up. He was clearly not enjoying this but wasn't making a big deal of it. That, combined with the fact that he had any part in this, was pissing Aya off.
"So are you going to keep trying, or do I have to come get you?"
"Don't come anywhere near me."
"Then you have to come over here."
Aya bristled. "Haven't we…practiced enough?"
"No. You haven't gotten down the fact that you're not supposed to strangle me."
"Instinct."
"I'm sure." Crawford stood up and glared at Aya. "We'll try it one more time. If you still don't get it, I'll go back on my word not to hurt you when you swear."
"Fucker." But he wound up walking over to Crawford anyway.
"You don't kiss people often, do you."
"I never do."
The two of them glared at each other, Aya apprehensive. He didn't want to get any closer to Crawford than five feet. However, he also didn't want to be dragged by his collar the remaining distance over to his dreaded enemy, so…
"I'm glad you're starting to go along with this."
"No you're not."
"It means less effort for me. Now close your eyes."
Aya complied unwillingly and shut his eyes as tight as he could.
Seconds later, Crawford kissed him.
Instead of doing what he'd done the last fifteen times (which was grab Crawford by the neck and squeeze), Aya cringed inwardly and attempted not to move. He felt Crawford put on hand on his shoulder and twitched.
Oh, fuck.
He was getting used to this.
After about thirty seconds of this, Aya was released and instantly cleared ten feet between him and Crawford. He wiped off his mouth on the back of his hand, trying to rid himself of the feeling of somebody's lips on his. Crawford sat back down on the bed, one eyebrow raised.
"Much better."
"Fuck you," Aya shot bitterly.
"Did you know that you're blushing?"
"What – I'm not – fuck!" Aya whirled and crouched down with his front to the wall. Was he still blushing, or had that round just increased the color in his face? He could hear Crawford laughing behind him and bristled. "Stop laughing, fuckwad."
The chuckling died down. He heard Crawford stand up and walk over in his direction. Then there was a distinct reversal of gravity centralized on his collar.
"Get up, Fujimiya. It's getting late and your teammates are undoubtedly wondering where you are." Crawford hauled Aya up and shoved him in the direction of the door.
"I thought they only cared for her," Aya snapped, avoiding a collision with the doorknob.
"They do, but then there's her to take into consideration. With her abilities, she could easily find you."
"And kick your ass?" Aya smirked. Just a little.
Crawford gave Aya an indescribable look before dropping him in front of the exit from his apartment.
"I think I'll let you walk home. Alone."
"What, you weren't planning on it?"
"Considering the rain? Of course not." Crawford opened the door and gave Aya a firm shove out, then slammed it shut. Aya would not have cared except that Crawford's hand had been a little too low for comfort. He offered the door one of his patented Fujimiya-style glares before stalking off down the hall to the elevator.
~~~
The first thing Aya saw when he got back to the shop was a rocket of blonde and pink.
"Aya-kun!" cried Mary-Sue, rushing at him. Her hair was immaculate as usual, and so were her clothes. He would have predicted that she hadn't gone looking for him at all if she didn't look like this 24/7. "Aya-kun, you're ok! But omigod, you're totally soaked! Come on, we have to get you out of these wet clothes!"
"Aya-kun?" Omi appeared at the top of the stairs, blinking at his drenched teammate. "Oh…where were you all this time?"
"Doesn't matter," Aya grunted, holding out one hand to keep Mary-Sue off him. "I'm fine. I'll go change."
"But Aya-kun, you might have a cold! I've got some medicine tablets that I made myself that should clear that right up and – "
"I'm FINE!" he snapped with a little more force than he'd intended, and Mary-Sue flinched. "I mean…don't worry about me." He pushed past the shocked girl and strode up to his bedroom, ignoring the sudden chatter that erupted between Omi and Mary-Sue over who should go make sure he was really ok.
His room appeared to be untouched, but he had a distinct fear that something bad was going to happen if he went anywhere near his bed. Instead, Aya headed for his dresser. He pulled out a dry pair of pants, a dry shirt, dry socks, and dry boxers. He proceeded to take off his wet clothes and was in the process of getting rid of his pants when someone knocked on the door.
"Aya-kun?" said a sweet voice.
Oh, fuck buckets…
"I'm busy. Go away."
"But Aya-kun, I brought you some clean clothes and a towel. I thought you'd need them."
"I have clean clothes," he said. "I can do my own laundry."
"…Oh."* There was an awkward silence outside his door, and Aya managed to grab a towel he'd used two days ago to dry himself off. "Um…well, uh, maybe I could…put these away, then?"
"Just put them down there."
"Er, ok." He heard a soft thump, followed by uneasy steps down the hall. He held the towel close around his waist until he was sure she was gone. There was no way he was going to be caught naked in front of a psychotic, omnipotent-powered girl. Actually, he wasn't going to be caught naked in front of anybody. Grumbling, he finished drying himself off and got into his dry clothes.
Somehow, he felt that tomorrow was going to be one hell of an adventure in a very bad, bad way.
~~~
He was more than right on his premonitions.
He was dead on.
"Look, Aya."
"Don't call me that."
"Look, Aya…"
"I said don't call me that!"
"Then what should I call you?"
"Weiss or something. Whatever you American professionals use."
"Aya, then, as we commonly use first names, and you're not old enough to be called 'Mr. Fujimiya'."
"What – I'm 20!"
"You're not important enough, then. Calm down and listen to me."
"Not important enou – fuck you."
"I've lost my count." Crawford pushed his glasses up on his face and leaned against the wall of the alley. "As I was trying to say, she'll be here in about five minutes, and we need to see if she'll explode at a low level of intimacy."
Aya shuddered involuntarily.
Crawford's lips tightened slightly, as if he was holding back a smirk, but Aya disregarded it. He glared around the corner of the alley, into the street.
"If anybody sees this besides her, I'm going to kill you."
"Nobody will. Trust me."
"No."
"No?"
"I won't trust you."
"We're on the same side in this, Aya."
"Stop calling me that!"
"Would you rather I called you 'kitten'?"
Aya gave him a horrified look, which Crawford correctly interpreted to be 'no'. Then he glared at the street.
"She'll be here in a moment. Just lean against the wall and look relaxed."
"No way, Schwarz bastard! I'm not doing anything on your command."
"Do you want to loose your teammates to her forever?"
"Or do this? I could care less!"
"Here she comes. If you're not going to do this willingly, I will take action."
"Oh yeah? How?"
Crawford wrapped one arm around Aya's lower back, grabbed his collar with the other, and kissed him.
At that precise moment, Mary-Sue walked by and glanced into the alley.
SHIIIIT
"What the…omigod, AYA-KUN?!"
"If you say anything to her, I will hurt you," hissed Crawford, breaking off the kiss momentarily. Aya was too stunned by both the sudden action and the sudden arrival that he was unable to do anything but be perfectly still.
"Aya…Aya-kun, are you…what…is….Aya-kun…I…" Mary-Sue stared in horrified silence before turning and running back down the street the way she came.
Crawford pulled away from Aya and sighed.
"She didn't die…this is going to take some time."
Aya leaned against the alley wall, trying to regain his sense of time and space.
"Well…we can practice again tomorrow, then. I presume you won't want to see my face again for at least twelve hours." Crawford gave Aya a glance before heading out of the alley.
Five minutes later, Aya snapped back into reality and screamed a line of obscenities to make any sailor proud.
"GOD DAMN YOU, CRAWFORD!!!"
So. Hate it? Love it? Wish it would spontaneously combust? Either way imma keep writing it. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. Ha. ha. ._.
* - Naturally, of course, Mary Sues are the only ones in their fics who can cook, clean, do laundry, etc. etc. etc., so it's a mighty shock when a bishie says he can do his own laundry.