Scared you, didn't I? (sinister laugh)
Lyrics below are from Kitchie Nadal's "Same Ground."
Hope you love it, 'coz I did.
"Oh, motherfucker!"
As soon as I went down the stairs a floor down mine, Torrie was lying there, completely unconscious and her position looked as if she was trying to crawl up to the next floor. It wasn't a pretty sight.
"Jesus…"
No, I should just calm down, but inside I was really freaking out. So I rushed down to her and shook her shoulders, trying to wake her up.
"Torrie? Come on, girl! Wake up, please!"
No response. She was still out cold.
I thought of the possibilities, a standard procedure Dad taught me to figure out how people get knocked unconscious.
Sexual assault?
No, her clothes still looked as neat and as orderly the last time I saw it.
A blow to head?
No, there's no sign of trauma, bumps, or blood. Which means that no one in this building attacked her.
Then her breathing began to bother me. It was a shallow. Then I notice a line of cold sweat on her forehead, and she looked deathly pale.
Then it got me—symptoms of heat exhaustion. Summer became uncomfortably stifling and half of the students who stay here are already getting the cases of it.
Scooping her unconscious body up slowly, I went up the stairs finally up to my floor, carrying her as I walked into my room.
As soon as I went inside I immediately set Torrie down on my bed, closed the door and locked it, then turned on the air conditioner. I then grabbed an extra blanket out of my closet and covered her lower body with it. I went to the bathroom, found a clean face towel, and washed it on the sink under that cold water. Then I went back to the room and sat on the chair next to the bed, turning the bedside lamp on.
I began dabbing the towel around Torrie's face. After a few consecutive tries, her skin returned to its color and her breathing went back to normal. I placed the towel over her forehead.
But instead of feeling better, I felt worse than ever.
I became an idiot for not knowing the things that has been going on inside Torrie's head. That I didn't want to know it because I didn't wish to know it. I do know that she came running back here despite the nasty weather just to see me again. She certainly would not have done so for anybody else.
Also, I became an idiot for denying the truth. That the only ting that I've done was think about myself. That I never really knew what I was trying to avoid actually came to the surface.
Worse of all, I became an idiot for breaking her heart.
Out of the light the lamp was providing, it reflected on Torrie's face, sleeping peacefully as she is. What more if she wakes up and notices me? Seeing that same face sneer would just be too much for me. It would only take one look—one look of her turning away from me and I would just kiss her goodbye.
Another thought saddened me more: I haven't even kissed her hello yet.
All of a sudden I felt my own breathing becoming shallow. And then something strange happened—my face was becoming wet.
Tears. As if they came from another one's eyes.
Fuck it. At this point I hate myself even more now. I never cried before, and then I remember the first time I made Torrie cry. If I tell her what I really feel after all the mess that I've made, I wouldn't blame her if she marked me for the rest of our lives.
But before anything else, the next words that will be coming out of my mouth are definitely from the heart.
"I'm sorry, Torrie," I whispered, wishing she would hear me. "I'm so sorry that I hurt you…"
I couldn't take it anymore so I buried my face in my arms, trying hard to console myself.
…
My love, it's been a long time since I cried and left you out of the blue
It's hard leaving you that way when I never wanted to
Self-denial is a game it's strange I never would've wanted
'Til there was you
Cause I have learned that love is beyond what human can imagine
The more it clears the more I gotta let you go
…
"John?"
I stopped myself. Was that…?
"John, is that you?"
I counted from one of ten, slowly looked up, and felt like I was seeing a dream, making me sit up straighter.
Torrie was awake, sitting up in my as she looked at me. Her expression made her look like she was really sick, but it was really a mixture of joy, shock, and curiosity. But despite all that, she still looked so beautiful she took my breath away, even in the dimness of that lamp.
…
But now I don't understand why I'm feeling so bad now
When I know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Why am I the only one standing stranded on the same ground?
…
Something changed in the room.
Suddenly a look of concern crossed Torrie's face. "Oh my God, John…have you been crying? What's the matter?"
It was so like her to forget the way I treated her. Before she said anything else, I began my confession. And I don't want to sound so movie-like, so I already went ahead.
"I love you Torrie… I just want you."
…
My love, it's been a long time since I cried and left you out of the blue
It's hard leaving you that way when I never wanted to
Self-denial is a game it's strange I never would've wanted
'Til there was you
Cause I have learned that love is a word that gets thrown a bit too much
The best excuse to fill this infinite abyss
That I would never ever have to fill
…
I lowered my eyes. There. I finally said it. Now I'm ready for next merciless outburst.
But I was definitely not ready for was the feeling of her hand touching my face. I looked up at her hopefully, and thank the gods…she was smiling at me.
"Oh John," she said, and then she threw herself into my arms for the second time. "I have always been here…just waiting for you to say that."
I didn't respond; I just hugged her tightly, inhaling her sweet scent, overwhelmed by the feeling of missing her. Everyone says that talk is cheap, but the declaration of love is comforting. Then I realized that this was already happiness.
…
But now I don't understand why I'm feeling so bad now
When I know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Why am I the only one standing stranded on the same ground?
…
When I let go of her, I leant my forehead to hers, seeing happy tears pooling in her eyes. Our faces were so close I could just feel her breath. Shutting off the doubts one final time, I diminished the gap between our mouths.
It took Torrie a while to finally respond. I tried to kiss her as gently as possible as I pulled her closer. She raked my brown hair, her lips never leaving mine.
"Stay here with me," I whispered hoarsely between kisses.
"Please," she pleaded. "Be gentle,"
And be gentle I was. I grasped her wrists, pinning her down to my bed, my whole body covering hers. I shifted a bit, taking off my shirt and throwing it carelessly down the floor. I bent down and kissed her again, the n my lips went on her cheeks, her jaw, and finally on her neck. I caressed her smooth skin, my hands currently somewhere under her top, making her moan softly.
This was almost going way too far. Torrie was ruggedly breathing now and she became more frantic, pushing down my jeans while scraping her fingers along my back, leaving a trail of red on its wake.
…
If all else fail, would you be there to love me?
When all else fail, would you be brave to see right through me?
…
Mind you—this is my first time to have sex.
And to my trusty four walls…I hope you won't tell anyone.
(t.b.c.)
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