1A Weiß Mary Sue

Written by Sakki

I'M NOT DEAD

.-.-

"Oh, it was TERRIBLE!" wailed Mary Sue, throwing herself into her best friend's arms. "They were – and then they – and he was – and then he was – and – and – and – OMIGOD, IT WAS AWFUL!"

"Woah. Hey now. Calm down." Mary Sue's best friend patted her back consolingly. "Now, take a deep breath and explain. What happened?"

"It was…" Mary Sue sniffled and took a deep breath, then exhaled. "It was…" she tried again, but it just wouldn't come out the way she wanted it. So instead of trying to explain softly and sadly, like she had learned at Sue School, she burst out with:

"I SAW CRAWFORD KISSING AYA!"

There was a collective gasp from the surrounding girls, and a silence swept over the beauty parlor Mary Sue was crying in.

"…ew," her best friend finally said.

"Tell me about it!" added another girl, frowning and picking at her nails. "Oh god, you poor thing. Here, let me get you some chocolate!"

As that girl ran off, Mary Sue blew her nose into a white tissue with pink decorative sewing on it. Her best friend brushed a lock of raven black hair out of her eyes and offered Mary Sue another tissue, this one black with silver sewing.

"Here, use this one. I've got plenty. That one's getting kind of dirty."

"Oh…" Mary Sue's eyes teared up. "Oh, thank you so much, May! You're such a great friend!" She threw her arm's around her best friend's shoulders and hugged her tight.

"You're welcome," said her best friend. "But please let go. You're pulling my hair."

"OMIGOD!" Mary Sue jumped back. "I'M SO SORRY!"

"A travesty!" said another voice.

"It's ok – huh?"

"A travesty," said the voice again. It belonged to a beautiful multicultural-looking girl who offered a lacy, delicately sewn tissue to Mary Sue. "A travesty, to be sure! That you should suffer such a thing is unthinkable! He should have already been drawn into your arms! Both of them, at that!" The girl fanned herself with one perfectly manicured hand.

"Thanks, Mimi," said Mary Sue. "But you don't have to be that – "

"It must have made your stomach churn and retch!" continued the girl, ignoring Mary Sue. "To see the one who should rightfully be yours in the arms of…another…MAN!" The girl fell back into her chair in a swoon of horror. "Oh, my mind cringes at the very thought of seeing such a sight! I cannot bear to think of it!"

"Uh…yeah. What she said," May muttered. "It's sick."

"Well," said Mary Sue.

"…well what?"

"What are we going to DO!" she screeched, leaping up. "I can't go back there yet, I'll have to see them again! And I don't know if I can handle that much…gayness in one day!"

"Hey, that's not nice," said yet another girl sitting in a parlor chair.

"Oh, I meant MALE gayness. Sorry, Mara." Mary Sue turned back to her friend, one fist clenched tight. "I don't know…I don't know how I'll be able to seduce him with competition!"

"Old competition, too. Hell, isn't he like…thirty?"

"Twenty seven. But that's not the point! HE'S WORKING FASTER THAN I AM!"

"MARY SUE. Calm down." Her best friend grabbed her shoulders and looked her in the eye. "You're smart. You're a freaking genius. You can figure out a plan of action that will get your man to fall in love with you faster than this old geezer can seduce him. Remember that. Remember your training."

Mary Sue blinked.

"What training?"

"Er…nevermind. The point is, go back home and find a course of action. Read the paper. Look online. You're bound to find something. And just remember: if all else fails, assassination is always an option."

.-.-

Aya stared at the wall. He'd heard tales about walls having ears, but never about them having mouths or eyes. Why ears? There was no point in thinking about walls having ears when you weren't saying anything. Kind of like that old riddle. You know, the one about the tree falling in the woods when nobody's around? Yeah, kind of like that. If he wasn't talking, the walls didn't need ears. Therefore they didn't have them.

I just got kissed by Crawford.

So much for not having a one-track mind.

…I just got kissed by Crawford.

We've established that, said a voice somewhere in the back of his mind.

It wasn't the kiss that was making him so angry. Oh, sure, the kiss itself had been disgusting, and now he could understand some girl's plights. After all, Crawford had kissed him before, and then there were all those goddamned practice sessions…

He shivered involuntarily. No, it wasn't the kiss that was bothering him. It was the fact that Crawford had been so…threatening. He'd been forceful enough to scare Aya into submitting to the kiss, and had left the poor assassin's mind a jumbled mess of thoughts and emotions.

Nobody likes a whiner, said that voice again.

"Shut up," he told himself. The walls perked up slightly.

With a resigned sigh, Aya stood up and started to walk to the door. He had clambered into his bedroom after managing to recover from the initial kiss, hoping for solace in his common, everyday, unstained bedsheets.

His mind was suddenly pulled from its thoughts by his leg giving out under him. He stumbled and fell, grabbing on to the bedpost in order to keep himself from smashing his head against something hard and possibly sharp.

I haven't been out that long, have I? My leg couldn't be asleep. It doesn't feel asleep. He tested it to see if he got the pins-and-needles feeling and received none. Perplexed, he stood up and wobbled over to the door.

His head hurt.

Aya fumbled for the doorknob. His fingers brushed icy metal, and he was slightly startled; it was summertime, so the doorknob shouldn't have been that cold. It was disturbing as well as strangely comforting.

"I swear, if Yohji left the air conditioning on...," he muttered as he tried to grasp the handle properly. The last time he'd done that they'd gotten an electricity bill with more than four digits in the monthly cost for July alone. This had been followed up with a severe smackdown and then some extra flower sales.

Good times.

After he managed to get the door open, Aya stumbled out into the hallway and looked around. The walls were white, blank, plain, and the doors were closed. The staircase going up didn't look too threatening until he got near it, whereupon it became a pointy reckoning, so he decided to not go onto the roof for some cooling down but rather on a walk around the block.

The flower shop was empty; sounds echoed from the back rooms where Mary-Sue and her sex slaves were probably enjoying a night of movies and popcorn. Nobody had bothered to invite him. Mostly, he was glad, but there was a tiny part inside him that felt shot down by the denial of his existence. Then there was always that third part that was screaming gibberish at a constant rate, but he usually ignored that.

Outside, the sun had just gone down, and the sky was a half-blue half-orange shade with not a single star in sight. Normally he would have cursed Japan's industrialization, but at the moment he was focusing mainly on not walking into the street, and it was unlikely that he would have cared about the stars anyway.

People were walking down the sidewalks, cars and buses and bicycles were moving down the streets, and a handful of city-adapted birds flew overhead in their straggling way. Trash rolled in neat tumbleweeds from one alley to the other, homeless people made their way to their cars or their shelters, and nightstalkers waited for the last of the sun's rays to vanish so they could strut their gawthic stuff.

And Aya wove from one side of the sidewalk to the other, trying to avoid the dark part so he didn't get turned into a red splotch on the road, much like a tomato shortly after it has been launched out of a fragmentation grenade launcher in the general direction of a brick wall at point blank range.

That was about the extent of his mental process, unfortunately, and thus he wound up running into several people. Most shrugged it off as him being drunk, or high, or both, but a few were not so kind and one or two of them pulled a sword on him and were promptly hauled off by the police. One girl he ran into pointed at him and said to the boy next to her, "Look, Ichigo. He's got the same color of hair as you."(1)

After some time, he found himself at the nearby park and in front of an empty bench. He sat down on it and stared at the grass blandly.

Grass?

Yes, that was the right word. You didn't use 'shrubbery' unless you were referring to a bigger, uglier sort of plant or bush that was coveted by strange men in medieval outfits in the middle of a large forest.

Yes, grass was the right word. Grass grass grass grass grass. Remember that word now, it'll be handy in the future.

Aya looked up and wondered what the hell he was thinking about.

A few white, wandering shapes in the distance materialized into people every so often, and occasionally a shadow would pass in front of him in the shape of an overly large trenchcoat. Sometimes people would stop by him and prod him, ask him if he was all right, make passes at him, offer to get him food, or toss money in his face; to these he would remain still and silent, staring at the shifting white shapes beyond.

Strange thoughts tumbled in his head, mutating and morphing like a new kind of bacteria in a well-heated dumpster. Of them all, he could only make out one, and that was I think I'll have pasta for dinner tonight.

This was the last thing in his head before he tried to stand up and instead fell off the bench, his face hitting the ground first and knocking him effectively unconscious.

.-.-

Black and black and black and black and black.

A large calico cat was sitting on his windowsill. It was big, getting bigger, and the window wasn't changing size, but somehow it never touched anything but the sill. It was looking at him, staring at him with those crazy catlike eyes, eyes like little almonds with slits in them and a lot of paint around the slits.

He tried to sit up and found that he couldn't. He wasn't tied down, certainly, but there were sheets on him, and they seemed to weigh a million tons, like a million elephants each weighing a ton sitting on his body. He could just barely move his head, but he could move it enough to see that he was in a room - not his room, but a room, with a bed, and nobody in it except for himself and the cat.

Suddenly the cat turned completely and stared at him, its eyes widening and its pupils getting thinner and thinner until they were nearly invisible, and it opened its mouth and said in perfect Engranese:

"Wake up, you dumbass. I don't have time for this."

Then it leapt out the window, and it started to rain pasta inside, complete with fetta cheese and some lovely tomato sauce.

And suddenly he was awake.

So. Hate it? Love it? Wish it would spontaneously combust? Either way imma keep writing it. AHAHAHAHAHAHA. HA. Ha. ha. ..

(1) - To which the boy promptly replied, "No, mine's lighter. Now where the hell did Kon go?"