I don't own any of these characters. They're all J.K. Rowlings. Hell.
Okay. So… if you've been skimming through and haven't caught onto the fact that this story has MAJOR SPOILERS for THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE, then you're seriously deranged. Um… this is the last time I'm posting this particular bit of information because honestly, you guys should know.
A/N: This story deals a lot with flashbacks and whatnot – hence the setting, date, time stuff… I'm not quite sure how much detail (like actual dates as in May 22 or just significant happenings… like… the day Harry gets whisked away from the Dursleys for the 143rd time) I want to go into on each SDT (setting, date, time) heading or if I'm going to stay consistent with the format of each one whenever something changes. Just know that you'll be amply warned of a SDT change with some symbols surrounding the SDT. (This is the last time I'm posting this A/N because I think that it's been ground into you enough after 3 chapters. So again, if something weird happens, you'll be amply warned.)
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Ω The living room of Tonks' flat in Diagon Alley. The same day (nearly 2 years ago). Almost 10 in the evening. Ω
Tonks blinked a few times, it always took a while for her to wake up. She tilted her head to the side a bit and felt a fuzzy bit of hair. Smiling brightly, she twisted her head a little bit more and inhaled deeply. He smelled a little bit of vanilla and the air outside Diagon Alley, but also of… something wonderful she couldn't quite think of. It's just Remus, she thought to herself delightedly and she kissed the back of his head softly. Her smile grew a little more broadly as she thought of what had transpired during the day. And as she shifted one of her legs, she realized that they hadn't even had the energy to get dressed. Looking out the window, Tonks could see that it wasn't even daytime anymore and that they had slept everything off. She shrugged inwardly a bit and snuggled up next to Remus again, closing her eyes once more.
It wasn't long before she heard a muffled, "Tonks? Are you up?" And she nodded, "Yeah, I am. Did I wake you?" He shook his head and his hair tickled her cheek pleasantly before he turned his head to face hers.
"Nah," he told her.
She kissed him on the cheek, "Liar."
Remus returned the gesture and whispered, "So?"
Tonks only smiled back at him and ran a socked foot along one of his.
He looked at her, his eyes darting all over her face, soaking her in. She was so different than anyone he'd ever been with. She had her own style, her own state of being. Tonks wasn't that sort of conventional girl that everyone else seemed to be vying for. She didn't listen to everyone else. She did what she wanted… hell—she had pink hair for god's-sake. Pink hair and… he looked down her figure discreetly, a divine body… and… knee-high, rainbow toe-socks. He grinned.
"What?"
"Your socks. They're very amusing."
She rolled her eyes playfully. "Two different kinds of socks can be amusing too..." she mused.
"Right. And the fact that one is all long and scratchy and the other is all full of holes is generally funny too…" he said sarcastically, though his delivery was joking rather than scathing.
"Generally." She grinned toothily back at him.
"All right. Generally, then."
Tonks straightened up on the couch, leaning on her elbows; Remus took that as a cue to sit up and he scooted to the other side of the couch, letting her legs rest on his lap. He gave the fuzzy fabric on her shins a pat and started rubbing his hand across them absentmindedly, just looking for something to do. "Do you know what time it is?" he asked conversationally.
She looked at the window and replied cheekily, "Well…if you ask me… and you are. Um. Judging by the lack of sun. Um. Not daytime."
Remus chuckled, "An excellent observation you've made there… Definitely not one I could have made on my own."
"Shut up Remus."
He stuck his tongue out at her impudently.
"Did you know that I can't wiggle my toes?"
Remus blinked a few times at her. "Um. No, actually… but seriously… these socks are simply—"
"Marvelous? Awesome? Kick-ass? Yes, thank you, I know," she smirked.
"Absofuckinglutely, Tonks…" he told her brightly as he played with one of her toes.
Tonks stifled a giggle. "No… don't…"
Remus arched a brow. "Do what? This?" He poked at her toes again.
She shook her head. "Don't do that…"
He chuckled again, "Oh… I don't know if I can stop…" And he tickled her with both hands, "Someone looks as if they're extremely ticklish…"
Trying to squirm out of his grip, she barely managed to say through her laughter, "Y-y-yes… s-s-s-so s-stop it-t-t-t!"
He shook his head and let one of his hands trail up her leg, squeezing the sides of her leg just above her knee, and in turn making her double over in a fit of giggles. "R-r-remusssss!"
"Yes, Tonks?" he said slyly.
"St-t-top-p be-f-fore I h-h-hex you into-to-to next weeeeeeeeeeeeek! R-r-remus!"
Remus couldn't contain his own amusement anymore and stopped tickling her, for he too was doubling over with laughter.
A few minutes passed and their giggles subsided to the occasional hiccup of a snigger. Back to their original position on the couch, with Tonks' legs draped across Remus' lap, they looked at each other contentedly, hints of smiles dancing across their features.
"You know what Remus?" she asked him softly.
"Hmm?"
"I really like you."
Remus blinked. "Excuse me?"
"I… I really like you." She bit onto her lip.
"That's it?"
Tonks frowned, "What do you mean 'that's it?' It's a lot coming from me. I don't do this often."
His face grew noticeably harder, his eyes steely and his lips slightly pursed.
She paused a moment, she was confused about his sudden twist in attitude. "What did you expect me to say?"
Remus barely opened his mouth. "I don't know. I was probably looking into this a bit too much."
"You don't… um… do you? We've only just… Remus. Come on. You can't expect me to…" Tonks looked at him with concern, he had turned away from her and seemed to be dazing off at that damn flower-vase-urn. Tonks' face softened a bit as she asked, "Do you?" Her voice had been reduced to little more than a whisper, "love me?"
His reply was inaudible, but she could make out the words leaving his lips, "I don't know." Remus looked completely unguarded, his face troubled and his eyes cast down to where the wall and floor seemed to meet. He was slumped over a little, his shoulders no longer straight and thrown back. Tonks had known him to have his moods sometimes, but she had never seen him so… vulnerable. It felt like it was a sin to watch such a sight; she couldn't hold her gaze on him for more than a moment before averting her eyes elsewhere. Fucking Merlin, she thought to herself, he… lov—no. He didn't say it. He's… he's just confused right now. He's just… just…
Nothing she said to herself could shake that thought, that feeling. It wasn't until he spoke that she focused her attention back onto him.
"Tonks, we've been acting like teenagers all day today. The little giggles, the stolen looks at each other… and now this… Merlin…" he didn't sound like himself at all. He was so quiet, so overthrown.
"Look at it like this, Remus. Do you honestly think I care how I act all the time? If I feel something then I'm not going to stifle it and let it suffocate inside of me! Fucking look at my hair." She tried to lighten the mood a little and ran her slender fingers through her pink hair with a nervous laugh.
Remus shook his head a little, smiling sadly. "You know, sometimes I wonder how you even passed the test to be an auror."
"What the hell's that supposed to mean!" she said loudly. She had no idea what he meant, and frankly, it hurt for him to say such a thing.
"You can't even find where you live!" It was his turn to raise his voice.
She threw her arms up in the air before she folded them heatedly; "Well I'm sorry if I didn't quite mention that I just moved in like a week ago. And you expect me to know my way around the entirety f Diagon Alley? I've had other things to do with my time. All right?"
"That doesn't change the fact that you could be pregnant right now!" He looked as if he were about to stand up with fervent emotion.
"What!" She was incredulous.
Remus' voice had settled just a bit. "You didn't cast a contraceptive charm before we… you know."
"Would it kill you to lighten up a bit I highly doubt that I'm pregnant right now." She rolled her eyes dubiously.
"You could be, Tonks. Are you really this nonchalant and careless about this sort thing?" The tone of his voice stung her and she couldn't believe what he was saying.
It was altogether too instinctive of her to reply and defend herself with, "Are you really this uptight about this? I guess I somehow failed to notice that enormous stick up your ass when you were fucking me…" The moment that she let it tumble from her tongue, she regretted it.
Remus' voice was suddenly reduced to a whisper. "It's not like you would think about it anyways…"
"What are you talking about?" Tonks let her own voice settle down as well, not wanting to yell at him any more. She just wanted this to be over and she was certain that he wanted it to end too. The only problem was that he kept dragging things out of the mud, not shutting up about things and thinking them through.
"About what I am."
"What?"
Tonks could barely hear him. "You know I'm werewolf."
"And? What has that to do with anything?" To her, it was nothing of consequence unless it was a full moon. She glanced out of the window casually and saw it was at half-moon; she was fine there. Now, what was he talking about?
"I… If you were pregnant then… then I don't know what would happen to the child…" He paused a second, unsure of how to word himself. It was so hard for him to articulate what he wanted to say and have it make sense without sounding crude and vulgar. But deep down, he couldn't help feeling crude and vulgar sometimes – it's what he was. He was so animalistic sometimes and he was in agony with the fact that that part of him was so different than how he normally was. How he wanted to be. He couldn't think of any other way to say it and whispered, "If it would be normal… or like… me."
Tonks blinked and stared at him, disbelieving about how he pictured himself. God, I just want to hold him, she thought dejectedly, he's so alone… Fuck… I can't. "Remus you are normal… and I'm sorry but—"
"I can't believe you didn't cast a charm…" His voice held that same biting tone it had minutes before.
"You're still hung up on that? Talk about a one-track mind." She rolled her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. Sometimes he just didn't get it; a lot of times… but lots of times he did get it… but… other times… "Never mind. Muggle saying." She made a mental note to try not to use those around him. If she had to keep explaining them all the time they lost their humor, or their bite. Instinctively, she began to defend herself again. "Either way, you're neglecting to mention the fact that you didn't stop to cast the charm either!"
He ignored that comment and bit back harshly. "Did you plan to come up here?"
She shrugged a little and angled her head. "No. It just sort of happened." It was the truth. She really hadn't known what was going to happen today. Ice cream was enough for her, but inviting him up was also nice. Just not premeditated. But this... This attack that he was shoveling out at her… not nice.
Remus cocked an eyebrow, his lip curling slightly. "Somehow I don't really believe that."
Tonks' mouth dropped open at his behavior. She usually wasn't one to comment on manners and behavior and whatnot, but this was unacceptable and what was more was that he wasn't himself just now. She didn't care how she sounded to him now. If he was going to accuse her of… what? Seducing him? She almost laughed out loud. Well… if he was going to blame her then she sure as hell wasn't going to be so innocent to him anymore. "Sweet Merlin! You're acting like such a woman Remus!"
Remus' mouth found itself ajar. He couldn't fathom that she had just said that to him. He wasn't acting like that… was he? He was only trying to look out for her. For them. Well… it didn't really look as if it was working at the moment. But… it was necessary. She would thank him later… he hoped. Maybe… He cared for her so much… if she really were pregn—no. He had to drop that subject. They'd ground it into oblivion and it was ruining the day. Suddenly, he became painfully aware of how naked he was. A rather hole-filled sock and an itchy, nearly knee-high sock were not his idea of being properly clothed. He stood up, lifting Tonks' legs off and gently setting them down onto the couch-cushion; he didn't have the heart to just drop her. He couldn't…
He untangled his trousers and boxers from her jeans and panties and stepped into them with a bit more hopping and jumping about than he would have liked.
Tonks almost laughed at the effort he put into putting his things on suavely… almost.
Remus only glared evilly at his pants and walked around to the back of the couch, groping around for his robe and shirt. Slipping the shirt on with the ease and effortlessness that only a guy could have, he straightened out the larger wrinkles on the forest green fabric. He picked up his robe and with nearly undetectably shaking fingers, clasped it. After smoothing himself out, he simply told her, "I'm leaving."
She had gathered that he had wanted to get out by the time he started fumbling with his boxers and she watched him with a sort of melancholy glare. "Fine. The door's right there."
Ω Hogwarts, a spare staff bedroom. The morning after the Death Eater attack on Hogwarts. About 3 a.m. Ω
Tonks stared at him fiercely, her brownish eyes sizzling. "You're a bleeding hypocrite, Remus."
He quirked an eyebrow in confusion, "What?"
"You're leaving out that part where I told you that I didn't think you were the shag 'em and leave 'em type. Not someone who did flings or one-night stands and leaves. And then… you slammed the door in my face." The volume in her voice seemed like some unseen knob was controlling it; as she talked she seemed to lose her vigor, not to mention give the appearance of becoming smaller. She looked away by the time she had finished, feeling the tears welling up in her eyes.
Watching her was like being tortured for Remus. He couldn't bear seeing her so hurt. As he spoke, his voice held the faintest quiver, "I was angry. I wasn't feeling like myself."
She didn't look up, as tears were coursing down her cheeks in meandering streams and she couldn't bring herself to show him. "Remus. Why are you doing this?"
Her voice was barely there, and Remus had to struggle to hear her before he replied, "Doing what?"
"Fighting me."
She was breaking him. Little by little, he felt himself wanting to hold her… she seemed like she was so alone… So hurt… so… Fuck. He couldn't hold her… not yet… "I'm not fighting you. I'm just telling the truth. And it seem like you've just proved that I'm not good enough for you anyways."
"No." She shook her head. "It was just … this is just a fight. We can get past it. We did that time…" She trailed off, losing her ability to articulate just what she wanted to say.
Remus couldn't help but say, "And look at where we are now."
"But look at where we were then." Tonks couldn't give up. Tiny stings of hope were slowly leaking out with her tears, now dripping onto her lap, but she knew that not all hope was lost… it just… couldn't be…
"Again. Look at where we are now." He didn't know why he kept talking. He wanted to walk out… he wanted to stop being so stubborn…
"Well it's not my fault that we're like this." A little strength found itself into her voice.
He blinked, maybe he was wrong about being stubborn…"But you're blaming it on me. Funny way of winning me over."
"Oh do shut up Remus. It wasn't either of our faults." Tonks was too tired to argue with him… she wanted him to stop this insane game…
"So you're going to blame him?" His voice grew harsh. She wasn't going to talk about him like that…
"Of course I'm not blaming him." Exhaustion was creeping into her voice.
"It certainly sounds like it."
"Well I'm not. What happened happened and we can't change that." Exhaustion crept back out of her voice and was replaced by a little bit of bitterness.
"Damn straight." Bitterness was prevalent in his words as well.
Tonks was slightly shocked at to how he had responded and it showed. "I didn't mean that way! We can still fix what we've got." This war was taking too much out of both of them and she couldn't help but hate everything at that moment.
Remus gave up. He had no fight left in him. He was tired. It had been a long day. Nothing was going to be able to happen that would prove to be positive for either of them. "Let the dead bury the dead, Tonks."
"But we aren't dead Remus! We're neither dying nor dead! We are very much alive at the moment." She finally looked up, trying to put some sense into him.
Remus' heart broke when he saw what pain and love was emanating from her. Her eyes were red and her nose was beginning to go pink. He could tell that she was fighting the urge to collapse into his arms. He hated himself for it, but, "At the moment," was all he could manage to croak out as he looked at her dolefully.
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A/N: So! Chapter 3 is done! I hope that you all like it… I had sort of a hard time writing it, cuz I went into this zone where I tried to channel the characters (wow… I sound like I'm on crack or something right now… I'm quite certain I'm not though!), and it was just sorta rough. Meh. Well. At this very moment, I'm going to try and set up a LiveJournal for my writing rants right now… Okay! Got it! So I'll post the url on my bio. I should update soon. Well… Other than that… um. I'm just going to warn you guys that my internet at my house has been down for nearly 2 months, so it's REALLY random when I'll be able to update (I have to go to other people's houses to do it…)… soooo yeah. Just don't freak out if I don't post for a couple days or whatever. Kay? Right then.
Cheers!
Elf Girl 4
PS: This chapter is about 3008 words… if you needed to know…
Woah! A big shout out to:
-Aljinon- Lmao… totally hot stuff! Or at least I was hoping so! Btw, you'll just have to see where they take their relationship… so keep reading and reviewing! Thanks!
-Jadeddiva- Thanks! I'm looking forward to seeing where I take this as well… lol… I hope you liked this chapter, and review again!
-Real-fan05- Which songs? Do tell! Maybe I'll do more like… song-fics or something… Lol… unless they're kinda cheesy… maybe not then…. Lmao. J/k. Thanks for liking it! Keep reading and reviewing, please!
-Lupin-girl88- Thanks so much! I was so worried about the smut and the maybe-ooc-ness… I'm glad that they're how you pictured them and I hope that you liked this chapter (and hopefully the next ones to come…)!
-Xanya-forever- Thanks very much! Lol… smut virgins unite! And I'm really glad that it was like… smutty enough and like… what smut should be. I didn't want it to be too weird, you know? Oh – and I was thinking about the chocolate thing for Remus, but… I don't know why I switched back over to vanilla. Oh well, I guess that writing at 2 in the morning does things to you… lol… Well, I guess it's just habit for me to do cliff hangers. Hope this was soon enough of an update for you! Keep reading and reviewing!
-Jess!- Thank you! Wow. That was a great review… I'm glad that it isn't agonizingly boring. I always get worried about that when I start to do hard-core descriptions and like… characterization. Hopefully I'm still doing well… Keep reading!
-Whenshewaselectric- Yay! Thanks for liking it! I hope that you keep reading… I feel so special being one of the good Remus/Tonks writers… :D
-Lady Underworld- Thank you! I'm glad you like it! And of course I'll keep going with it…. You just have to keep reading and reviewing for it!
-Just a fan- Aww…. I'm sorry that I'm so… erm. Evil. Muhahaha! Lol… j/k. Thanks for the review, loved it! And yeah… Remus has fucked things up… but you'll just have to keep reading to see if he fucks stuff up some more or… if he fixes things… or maybe a bit of both. :D Lol. Describing my story as 'fantabulous' just makes my day.
-DelightfullyEccentric22- Cool pen name. Thanks! And yeah…. Heart shaped beds and strawberries and whatnot are just… not Remus and Tonks – style. I'm glad you liked it and I hope that you liked this one and I hope that you keep reading! (Wow I said 'I hope' WAY too many times just then…. . oops.)
-The-Serious-Padfoot- Lol… Thanks for another great review, Padfoot… and the story huggles you back, btw. Lol… Hope you liked this chapter too!
-Lil-runaway- Thanks! I'm glad it was tasteful. I hate smut that's all ishy and stuff… Bleh. Well… Thanks again! I'm glad you liked it and happy there wasn't anything wrong with it! Hope you feel the same about this chapter!
-Tonks79- Thank you! I'm glad you like the writing and ideas! Hope you liked this chapter! Keep reading!
-Weird-and-wonderful- Lol… Yeah. Update. Thanks for liking the story! Hope you keep reading!
-Yasmine Lupin- Lol… I'm glad that you like my fic that much! Hope that this chapter was enough to sate you for a little bit… the next chapter should be up soon, okay? Lol… and Remus is totally mine! Lol. J/k.
-TrinityDD- Thank you! Glad you thought it was lovely… The ice-cream part as well as the steamy part! Hope you liked this chapter and hope you keep reviewing! Thanks!
-Sarcasm is my life(amy-mwpp- Thanks for liking it! Hope you keep reading and reviewing!
-robingl13dr- Thanks! I'm glad that you like my style… I'm not sure if your review went through all the way though… it sort of just cut off. Oh well… Just review some more, I guess… nudge, nudge… lol… Hope you liked this chapter!
-Painin Uranus- Lol… yeah, your name is pretty darn cool. :) Lol… That song… eeek. Anyways, I'm glad that you liked the chapter… and I'm glad that you're along for the ride – so keep reading and reviewing, please – I love your reviews!
-Princess Persephone- Mmmhmmm… Quite wonderful indeed. Thanks for liking my writing style! Lol… 'Brilliant' gah… I love that. And I'm glad that the awkwardness was evident there… I wanted to make it so that it wasn't too perfect, you know? Well, hope that you liked this update!
-Soccershorti- Wow, thanks! Lol… It's awesome for me to hear that it was that good that you felt like you were her… Thanks very much though, I'm glad you liked the smut. Keep reading, ok?
-Moo-cow- Lol… I like your pen name! I'm so happy that you liked it that much! Wow… And I'm honored that I'm your first HP review! Yay! Hope you liked this update! Keep reading!
-TuRn- Sweet! Glad you liked it! Happy that you think it's well written. And I'm trying as hard as I can to get the next chapters written up. Hope you liked this chapter enough to review again!
-Rockin-J-Fanfic-Chick- Thanks very much! I'm happy the flashback stuff wasn't too bad! And tchya! Totally had to have happened before! Lol… Graphic and detailed, eh? Do you think I should tone it down a bit? Well… hope you liked this chapter…. And yeah, more flashbacks are on the way… Thanks again! Keep reviewing!
-Brownie77- Yay! I'm glad you loved it… And I think that you should do a fic! I'd like to read it and I'm sure other people would too! (Just don't filch my ideas! Lol…) Hope you liked this post! Keep reading and reviewing!
A huge thanks to everyone else who's been reading! Thanks guys and gals!