A/N: Thank you for all those lovely reviews! They certainly motivated me a lot. So…here you go…Tonks's confession -
2. The Confession (July 1996)
Shielding his eyes from the dazzling sunlight with an arm, Remus Lupin rolled onto his side slowly, an excruciating sensation ensuing every little movement of his. It was another morning after his monthly transformation into a werewolf. However, though he had been taking regular regimen of the Wolfsbane Potion in the week preceding the full moon as he had for roughly three years, this transformation seemed to be much more intolerable than the last few ones.
He forced open one of his heavy eyes and glanced around, trying to figure out what made it any different from the other transformations monitored by the Wolfsbane Potion. He took in the shabby interior decorations of a house. Then he remembered it. And he closed his eyes again.
Perhaps Sirius's influence hadn't contributed much to further taming him into the harmless wolf he had transformed into once every of the past months. However, it was clearly without Sirius that his lycanthropy had become so unbearable. He touched his scraped arm slightly and a sudden surge of pain soared through his bones but he wasn't surprised. Because he had been scratching himself all night. Deep down, he knew that with the recent agony and persistent depression, the beast in his blood had been trying desperately to get out from his body and vent out his frustration for the first time in 3 years. And the lust for blood was so excessive that even the most powerful potion dedicated to domesticising werewolves wasn't strong enough to control him. Remus felt a chilly shiver in his veins just thinking of it.
Wanting nothing but a mind rid of realistic thoughts, he rolled onto his other side intending to continue his sleep, just when someone knocked on the front door. The knock put him immediately on alert. His house was located on the most unreachable peak in the mountains as a mean of isolation of him from other people during his transformations. And who would be calling at such an early time in the morning?
Remus grabbed his wand from the bedside table and staggered to the door. He pressed his ear to the wood. "Who is it?" he demanded.
"It's Tonks," the visitor answered.
Leaving the security chain in place and clasping his hand tightly around his wand, he opened the door a few inches. It's as he was told, Tonks and she looked unfeigned. But it's dangerous to skip the authentication. "What's your Patronus?"
She hesitated and inhaled impatiently. For a moment, Remus met her grave eyes, and she seemed even more stressed than she had been when he last saw her. "Emmeline is dead," she sighed quietly.
He stared at her, horrified. It took a few seconds for his brain to click into gear again. He opened the door, took a step backward and let Tonks in. "What did you say?" he asked incredulously as he closed the door.
"Emmeline Vance was murdered, Remus," Tonks repeated, shaking her head as though she couldn't believe it too.
Remus grasped the doorknob tightly for support. He had only seen Emmeline Vance a few nights prior, and counting on Snape's information that Voldemort and his web were in complete turmoil with the best among them thrown in Azkaban, he had not expected a death of any Order member, not this soon.
"The Death Eaters killed her?"
Tonks nodded darkly. "Most likely they did."
"Is Dumbledore informed?"
"I went to him and informed all Order members by Patronus first thing I left Emmeline's house." Remus widened his eyes, perplexed. Tonks had been to the house?
"Her neighbours at Downing Street alerted the muggle police after finding her dead. The Ministry has got a monitor spying on the muggle police system concerning incidents that involve wizards and witches, and Rufus Scrimgeour sent me and Dawlish with numerous others to the scene. We arrived before the muggle policemen did and…" she swallowed, and shuddered as though a strong breeze had shot past her.
"And the scene was not a pretty one. No. It was… terrifying."
Tonks stared into space unseeingly as Remus knew images of the ruined house visualise in her mind, and rubbed her arms nervously with a woosh of epinephrine.
Despite he had warned himself constantly in the past week not to give Tonks any more unnecessary illusion, he swept her into his arms protectively without much thinking. "Cry if you want to," he whispered tentatively.
All at once Tonks buried her face in his chest, clutching the front of his night shirt and began to cry, releasing the frightened tears she had been holding back for the sake of maturity. "I wished I hadn't been sent there. It was really horrible. The walls were borne with handprints of blood… Furniture was torn… The house was like blown up. Emmeline had quite a violent fight with her attackers before she died… And it appeared that the violence didn't end there. We found her in mutilated pieces all over the house."
Something heavy landed on Remus's heart. Besides feeling extremely downhearted for Emmeline's ferocious end, he was also weighed by certain sympathy with Tonks. Although he understood by experiences that ultimately death always made one evolve, the transition from an innocent person to a realistic one was a big step that was real torturous. And it was utterly cruel for such a young, guileless person like her to have witnessed such bloodshed and seen deaths continually. Twice in a month was far more than one could bear.
He patted Tonks's back as she continued crying, and when she pulled away eventually, sniffing, he conjured a handkerchief and handed it to her. Tonks blew her nose and a few more sobs escaped her.
"Do you want some water?" asked Remus in a whisper.
Tonks shook her head, staring down at the floor behind the tears and breathing still heavily. "I just want to talk to you."
Remus stopped in his track of reaching out for the water bottle and he stayed motionless with his back to her, perturbed. He knew what was going to come and he knew clearly that it was bound to come sooner or later even if he kept weaselling out of it. In fact he was ready for it; he had made up his decision. Although he didn't consider it as the perfect moment to voice his answer as it would probably devastate Tonks, he also didn't think it a good idea to procrastinate the matter further. However doubtful he was of his own charisma, he was afraid Tonks would be stuck too deep in her little infatuation with him to be ever pulled out from it.
"If you must…" he said tranquilly. He kept his back to her, pouring out some water into a glass and drinking it himself.
He could hear her trying to swallow down her hiccoughs. He refilled his glass.
"Remus, I don't know when it had all started…" said Tonks, audibly confused and still depressed, stopping to blow her nose again. "I just knew I had been quite fond of you right from the beginning, though I never reckoned it was something more. I thought of you as a very intelligent fellow, like Kingsley. And then throughout the year, we've seen more and more of each other at Sirius's house… during the meetings… and dinners… I don't know what happened…"
She paused, her voice had been diminishing and she tried hard to remain heard. She coughed strangely and carried on with a louder voice. "I thought the feeling had sort of… intensified from there, I began looking forward to seeing you, both in the meetings or during dinnertimes. I tried to shut the feeling out. I really tried. But the harder I tried, the more I think of you. It's been growing out of control. And then I started doing silly things. I visited Sirius's house more often than the others did, just so I could have a glimpse of you… and I found excuses to go near you… I've figured out what these all meant for a month or two now, and I wanted to tell you, but I just couldn't gather up the courage. And all the while the feeling is growing even more intense. It annoys me… and it scares me. I just have to spill it out to you…"
Tonks was silent for a moment. He could feel her eyes burning on his back but he didn't turn to face her. "Remus… I think I like you."
Remus put down the glass on the table besides him, his hands were getting so sweaty that it was only a matter of time before the glass slipped down. He leaned on the edge of the table and looked out from the windows at the sky for a moment before he turned around.
Tonks stared at him, it didn't take her long to realise he wasn't about to respond yet. "Remus, I told you I really like you. And what would you say?"
He dug his hands deep in the pockets and looked up; he didn't want to give Tonks the impression that he couldn't meet her in the eyes when he spoke. "I already know. Sirius told me."
Her swollen eyes widened in disbelief, then she looked at him expectantly over the furious red patches on her cheeks. But he said nothing. "What do you have to say, Remus?" she asked again nervously.
"Tonks, hands on heart, you're a beautiful and capable woman. And you're among the toughest I've ever seen…" Remus began quietly. But she looked as if she didn't care about those flattering words; she just wanted to hear the conclusion… his choice. "But I'll have to say I'm really sorry."
"Why?" Tonks blurted out. "Do you hate me?"
"No, of course I don't hate you," he said quickly, he didn't want her to think that she was not good enough for him. "I certainly like you. I'm very fond of you too. But in a way that an elder brother is fond of his sister. And to be honest, I've never thought of you in that context." He paused, hoping he hadn't sounded too harsh. "Nymphadora, I really hope we can still be friends."
Tonks looked up at him, for a while she looked as though she couldn't recognise him. She bit her lip, the tears that had disappeared was menacing to come again, he could tell she was struggling to keep calm. Her sad countenance was too much for him to look at, especially when he was partially responsible for causing it, that he had to look away. But no sooner had he turned to the window that he swivelled around again. Tonks was walking to him.
"Remus, can you at least give me a chance then?"
He was speechless for a moment as if caught offhanded.
"Although you don't like me in that way," Tonks said in her small voice, getting close to him, "Can you give us a try? Just give me a chance, and see if we can hit it off and make it nurture into something more, can you?"
He stared at her, trying to judge whether she was serious or not. It appeared she was. "I would've nodded my head if I think it's healthy for both of us. But sometimes these things are more intuitional than anything else. I don't want to waste your time."
"It won't be a waste of time," Tonks argued, her face darkening. "Look at what happened to Sirius. And look at what happened to Emmeline. We're at war, Remus! Save the Death Eaters, people out there are all in danger. Wizards and muggles, we all are. Can't you tell the Order members are all targeted? And if there's any people who You-know-who is determined to exterminate, it has got to be those whose identity has been revealed in the last battle. It's either Moody, Kingsley, you or me, or all of us –"
"Don't over-think it, Nymphadora."
She grabbed his wrists and forced direct eye contact with him, her eyes pleading. "You have to admit although we are on Dumbledore's side, You-know-who is at vantage now with the number of his followers growing by every minute. Our time maybe far shorter than we imagine –"
"I think you're rushing to make decision, just because it's war time, which you would otherwise not make," Remus intercepted, having weighed his words carefully.
"I'm not rushing to decisions," Tonks exclaimed while a crystal teardrop rolled down from the corner of her eye. Remus wasn't sure if it was out of agitation or misery. "I am just trying to make sure there's nothing I'd regret when I look back."
He glanced down at her; it seemed she wouldn't give up without a sound reason.
"But, Nymphadora, you're way too young for me," he said, instead of saying what he really meant to say – Nymphadora, I am way too old for you. He met her intense glare unfalteringly, craving to force as much sincerity as possible into his face.
"I will act more maturely from now on," said Tonks immediately.
Remus exhaled. "You just don't understand it. There, look!" He lost his patience finally. He rolled up his sleeve to reveal a scratched arm, the blood on which was now dried but still perfectly visible. "I wounded myself last night, during the full moon. Can you imagine what happened? I have been drinking the Wolfsbane Potion for a whole week as I usually do when the full moon is about to come, but when the werewolf in me was too desperate to come out, even the best potion cannot keep me under complete control! Can you appreciate how dangerous I can be? How –"
"Remus, I don't mind –"
"It doesn't matter whether you mind or not. I mind, Nymphadora!" Remus was breathing heavily, he gave Tonks a look which verged on patronising, but she was still staring at him with a certain amount of hopefulness. He just had to crash it down. "And I'm not ready to baby-sit you!"
Tonks didn't look hysteric anymore; her expression was one of mingled insult and fury. Remus felt a lump in his throat just looking at her but his tone didn't soften. "I can't restrain you from liking me, that's your freedom. But I have to say you'll just be wasting your time because waiting doesn't work. I suggest you go find someone who's of your age, better and wealthier. It'll be better for both of us."
Remus could sense the atmosphere was turning dangerous, and for a whole minute Tonks kept her head bowed, staring dead downward. And he didn't look at her until he felt a teardrop hit his toe. "I am sorry to have disturbed you," she managed. "Maybe I shouldn't have come after all. Bye." She walked out of the house quickly, without so much as a backward glance at him.
Appalled by his own brutality, Remus strode to the door and listened to the pop when she Disapparated. Leaning on the door, he ended up sliding down until he sat on the floor, more laden than he had been in the whole week. He wasn't sure if what he had just done would really be for the betterment of both of them, but he did know that he had cut her to the quick.
Great job, Remus Lupin. More depression is exactly what the poor girl needs now, he thought ironically.
A/N: I hope the Remus I portrayed doesn't appear too cruel, I just can't think of another way of writing the confession. Anyway, as always, PLEASE REVIEW! I value every piece of honest comment!