Thanks all reviewers, you're really nice! (I am surprised that no one curses me, haha.) And thank you very much for suggestions. :) Here's the answers to the questions you have raised:
Sweet 16 Movie Buff - (Thanks for all those lovely reviews you left for me:) Remus likes Tonks or not?– At this stage, perhaps not really. I read an interview of J.K.Rowling's some time ago, in which the author said Remus Lupin has always carved to be loved but had seldom been loved. So I think it'll be interesting if he doesn't set out to love her but eventually fall in love with her. (Maybe Tonks's perseverance gradually softens his over-cautious attitude and then he comes round to appreciate Tonks's affection.)
Kerichi - Why Remus turns into a werewolf (in my last chapter) even though he has been taking the Wolfsbane Potion regularly in the week prior to full moon? – Because it's stated in the canon that he does. (POA18) The Wolfsbane Potion just helps the person keep his mind when he transforms. It doesn't mean he remains in his human form physically. Instead, he turns into a tame wolf and waits for the moon to wane again. In chapter 2, I wrote something about Remus scratching himself during the transformation, because I thought human mind and determination are always crucial to the effectiveness of magic. As Sirius is just gone, it's understandable that the werewolf Remus is keen to find an opportunity to vent out his suppressed frustration, thus his determination to stay put is fragile. And note that I only portrayed Remus as scratching himself but not biting, as when I wrote that part, I imagined him to be half under control. (Yes, the latter part was just for the drama, not based on facts. –smiles apologetically-)
Why Remus thinks of Tonks as a 'young and guileless' person but then treats her so brutally? – Because clearly Remus is a very very noble man with perception. He does what he thinks would ultimately be good for Tonks – that is to crash her hopes because he thinks he couldn't provide Tonks with a bright future. (which of course is not true. Go ahead, Remus!)
Every romance fic needs a kiss and cuddle every now and then? – nods :) Nice idea, too.
SorrowDemon - What I think of HBP? – Love the question. (My friends silence me every time I want to talk about it. So Finally!) I think there's too much snogging between Ron and Lavender. (But I suspect I wouldn't mind if it's Remus and Tonks snogging, haha!) Snape? I believe he's innocent, and that he only kills for the ultimate betterment of the Order, but no matter what, I still hate him. Draco? I pity him. SIRIUS? I LOVE HIM STILL though he didn't make any appearance! R.A.B.? IT HAS GOT TO BE REGULUS!
I hope the answers are satisfactory enough. Now, here you go.
3 Molly's Analysis
Tonks glanced up at the clock briefly before she turned back to the pile of documents on her desk. Four hours had slipped away since she last paid attention to the time. Any minutes now, Williamson was going to walk to her cubicle again and persuade her to go home and take a nice rest. And she knew she just had to compromise for the sixth time that week. She knew what her colleagues had been saying behind her back, she was 'over-enthusiastic in the Auror work all of a sudden', as they gently put it. If she was not careful enough, they might as well start to question if she had some hidden motives behind her new devotion to the job.
Tonks stacked the parchments into a neat pile on her desk hastily as Williamson glanced over at her, as though showing him she was about to leave the office without him telling her to. She thrust the pile into the drawer and shut it.
"I'll see you tomorrow," said Tonks to Savage, who was sitting in the next cubicle.
Striding across the office, she nodded at a few people courteously, her hands deep in the pockets of her cloak. Unconsciously her pace quickened with every step nearer to the exit, and to her relief, the other Aurors didn't even give her a second glance as she bypassed.
Stepping out from the lift, she soon found herself at the deserted Atrium where Apparition was allowed. But Tonks hesitated.
Having been working 15 hours daily for quite some days now, she had been so preoccupied that she didn't even have time for her mind to drift off to thinking about Remus again and she had been successful in avoiding her mother at home. Although deep down, she did miss her mother a bit, she still had no desire to face the worried woman. Making an appearance in her current state would just further trouble her mother and that's the last thing she wanted.
Mousy-brown-haired, pale-faced with puffy eyes, even Tonks could hardly recognise herself in front of the mirror. How on earth could she get away from her mother without explaining the cause of her problem in Metamorphising? By saying it's all because of Sirius's death? No good. It was only part of the truth, and it would probably lead her mother to more reminisce of Sirius. Or should Tonks spill the beans? Tell the poor woman her daughter had fallen in love with a werewolf?
No, impossible. Unprejudiced though Andromeda Tonks was, Nymphadora was uncertain how her mother would react the second she told her she hoped to spend the rest of her life with Remus Lupin.
As Tonks stopped pacing the Atrium abruptly, she made up her mind. She would go to the Burrow, where she could possibly talk to Molly Weasley, the ideal motherly figure whom she wouldn't hesitate to confess to.
In the blink of an eye, she had materialised in the lawn before the Weasleys' house. She walked quietly to the front door and knocked on it three times. Within seconds, Molly's voice emerged from behind the wooden door.
"Who's there," asked Molly. "Declare yourself."
"Molly, it's Tonks."
"Tonks? What a surprise! Come in!" said Molly warmly as she opened the door, looked at Tonks and took a step sideward to let her in. She took a glimpse of the night sky as she closed the door, registering the lateness. "Nothing is wrong, is there?" she said suddenly, sounding apprehensive.
"No, Molly," Tonks vindicated quickly, pulling off her cloak. "I just thought … I just fancy a little chat, that's all."
Molly nodded and smiled at her. Whether Molly really wasn't surprised by the abrupt change in her appearance, Tonks didn't know, but she was grateful that the matter wasn't brought under the limelight.
"Want something to eat or possibly some drink?" Molly asked, ushering Tonks into the kitchen.
"Any drink will do. Thanks, Molly," said Tonks, as she sat down on one of the chairs.
A while later, Molly returned with a pot of tea and two mugs, and set them on the table. Sitting side by side, they sipped the tea in complete silence for a whole minute until Molly broke the ice.
"You look low-spirited, dear," said Molly, looking at Tonks with a kind look. Somehow Tonks had this peculiar feeling that Molly was really looking past her physical shell deep into her soul.
"Perhaps I am," Tonks admitted.
"Because of what happened in the Ministry Headquarters?" Molly tactfully avoided mentioning the incident specifically.
"Partly, yes," Tonks nodded, staring dead ahead.
"But there's nothing you could have done to prevent it," said Molly mildly, as she refilled their mugs, "and it's about time you let the home truth sink in. Believe me, Tonks, this is an experienced woman talking, the earlier you come around to accept the reality, the easier it will be for you to relieve the misery."
"I know … but it's always easier said than done," said Tonks uncomfortably, rubbing her hands together under the table as the anxiety began to surface. She took a deep breath before she spoke again. "In fact … there's something else …" She cleared her throat. "I come here intending to talk about it."
"Go on," said Molly encouragingly, "What's it about?"
"It's about me and Remus," said Tonks, blushing slightly and looking away. But Molly was no dumb woman; out of the corners of her eyes, Tonks could see that Molly's surprised and confused countenance was soon replaced by one of comprehension. Still blushing, for a fleeting moment Tonks thought of putting a halt to the supposably painful discussion before it ever started. But then she decided she just had to get on with telling Molly or she might never be able to gather the necessary courage again.
"I confessed to Remus last week," Tonks began bravely.
It had taken Tonks about half an hour to explain to Molly from the beginning to the confession. Not once when she was talking did Molly interrupt her, and she felt a sense of gratitude towards Molly for that, because once she had started talking about it, it'd be easier to keep going. Throughout the 30 minutes, Molly had been extremely patient with her, nodding her head every now and then to show she was with her. Twice when Tonks had said 'It's not like I want it to happen, Molly!' loudly, Molly replied 'I know' knowledgeably and beckoned her to go on.
"Every time I think of it again, it brings me a shiver to remember the cruelty in Remus's eyes when he said to me, 'I am not ready to baby-sit you, Tonks!' What does he think I am, Molly? A baby without brains? No, I am not a baby, and I am not a child! I am twenty three already for crying out loud! Clumsy though I am, I am an Auror! And I am also born a Metamorphmagus! You'd almost tend to think I have some redeeming qualities in myself. Just because I break something everyday doesn't necessarily mean I am an incapable person and I need looking after! I won't be a burden to anyone!" When Tonks finished finally, she was breathing heavily, and her voice was unexpectedly unstable, hoarse and bitter.
Molly touched her shoulder tentatively, but when Tonks turned to look at her, about to start grumbling again, she held up a hand to stop her. "No one thinks you aren't good enough, Tonks."
"But Molly, that's what Remus was implying. He said I was too immature for him. He told me to go find someone of my age!" said Tonks heatedly, "He thinks I am –"
"No," Molly intercepted, "I don't think that's where Remus was coming from."
"But –"
"Listen to me," said Molly firmly, squeezing Tonks's wrist gently to reinforce the importance of what she was about to say. "With all due respect, Tonks, (She met Tonks's eyes squarely) I've seen far more men than you have, having spent more than 2 decades on earth before you were ever born. And I think it's quite reasonable to assume I've got a better understanding of men in general than you have. My sense tells me that Remus Lupin isn't a man of simplicity. Whether it has anything to do with his lycanthropy or not, I am not entirely sure, but I believe it does. He has been a werewolf for most of his life … Tonks, I, like you, hold nothing against werewolf, I hope you understand that," Molly added.
"As I was saying," continued Molly patiently, "Remus has been a werewolf for most of his life; presumably he has experienced a lot more than people of the same age. Prejudice, injustice, discrimination, suspicion … you name it. In appearance, he looks cool, he looks nonchalant, but he's gradually grown into this complex person he is today … and a perceptive one, too. And it's exactly due to his empirical, if it's the word, experience that I think him unlikely to have meant what he said to you that day."
Tonks stared at Molly, slowly digesting what the other woman had said. But then she shook her head again, rubbing the mug she was holding. "What else could he have meant?" she said weakly, "He made it damn clear that I don't possess what he wants in a woman."
"Tonks, I thought you should've got a better measure of Remus Lupin by now," Molly sighed, refilling Tonks's mug. "You possess a lot that he admires, but what you've yet to understand is that Remus doesn't want a woman."
"What?" Tonks choked and turned to Molly so quickly that she nearly cracked her neck. "Why?"
"Because obviously as a werewolf and with his self-despising tendency, Remus doesn't think he deserves any woman."
"Of course he deserves one," said Tonks, swallowing hard. "This werewolf identity, or whatever you call it, doesn't even affect the person he is. He can have the Wolfsbane Potion –"
Molly patted Tonks's hand in understanding. "We all think he deserves a decent woman. All along, we've always been quick in unanimously agreeing that Remus is one in his kind, you know, the gentlest werewolf that would never harm. But the crucial thing is, Remus believes otherwise, with or without the Wolfsbane Potion. He might have once or twice been on the verge of attacking, and he takes the memory to heart. He's cautious. He's careful not to let such things happen again, especially not to a fellow or a soul-mate. And I guess Remus thinks the safest means to prevent it from happening is to deny any potential relationship with a woman …"
Shifting unconsciously in her seat, Tonks didn't look up when Molly's voice tailed off. She stared down at the table; with all those Molly had just said still roaming in her mind. At one point in the discussion, she had almost brought herself to think that Molly's analysis was too theoretical, and she had had the suspicion that Molly was just saying so to console her, to make her feel better by concluding that the problem was on Remus instead of her.
However, giving it a second thought, Molly's words seemed to have called forth an infinite reliability in itself. Somehow, it sounded familiar to Tonks. Then all at once, she remembered. She could remember word by word what Sirius had said to her when she accidentally let slip that she had developed a certain liking for his friend.
"You know, Molly," said Tonks quietly, still staring at the table, "Before I confessed to Remus, before he's …" she paused, she could feel her eyes growing hot. Mentioning Sirius still brought this suffocating feeling to her. "Sirius has known I like Remus. He was the only one who knows. He encouraged me to tell Remus truthfully what I feel for him, but then he … he advised me not to expect too much in return … at least not in the short run … because he said Remus is a modest man … He said Remus is so noble to an extent that it sometimes irritates."
Molly leant closer to her. "Exactly. Sirius has always been the closest to Remus, and you've got to take his words for it. Remus is a gentleman. He would never do anything that may inflict any loss on anyone. And he regards returning your affection as a perfectly latent trigger."
"That's why he wouldn't even give me a chance," Tonks murmured under her breath, more to herself than anyone.
"You're right, dear," Molly said, grasping Tonks by the shoulder. "In saying you're too young and immature for him, what he really meant was he's too old and dangerous for you. And he ruthlessly took a rough line on this because he knows well by heart all those that surround him regard him as a harmless man, and thus, to turn you down, it must be done in the hard way."
"Now that he's determined not to fall in love, what should I do then?" Tonks turned to look at Molly hopelessly, confused. "I really want to be with him. But he told me waiting doesn't work," she added.
"Frankly, Tonks, I must admit I really don't know if Remus feels anything special towards you as of yet," whispered Molly delicately. "But trust me, waiting does work sometimes. And I believe it works on someone like Remus, because he does want to be loved, Tonks. I can see it. Sirius has always been the only one Remus would unreservedly commit to. And now he's gone, Remus is in dire need of someone to fill this hole in his soul that was once occupied by Sirius."
"So you think I should stay firm in my stance and show him I am determined?" asked Tonks.
"Yes, that's what I think. However –" Molly looked into her eyes, "you should anticipate that a lot of obstacles will arise. Remus is good at making excuses. And the first excuse I expect him to make, even if he eventually discovers he feel the same towards you, is going to concern your mother."
"My mother is fair, she would understand…" said Tonks weakly, as though she wasn't sure if she sincerely believed what she was saying. "And I could always persuade her to –"
"Another thing you've got to understand, Tonks, is that the only thing that matters in the decision-making process is people's expectations. Whether Andromeda really minds or not has no influence on Remus whatsoever, what matters is whether Remus thinks she mind, which he probably does. You'll have a tough time convincing him otherwise and you will possibly find your effort in vain."
Tonks didn't say anything. Something in Molly's tone persuaded her that when they were talking about Andromeda, the mother of seven children was attempting to make Tonks understand that it's in every mum's fibre to ensure her child was provided with the best, and thus, it's completely reasonable that a woman should be more critical when it came to weighing a potential child-in-law.
"Remus and Mad-Eye are coming for dinner on the weekend," said Molly, observing her. "I'll have a serious word with Remus then."
"No!" said Tonks immediately. Her tone softened as she realised she had sounded too rude. "Please don't."
"Are you sure?"
Tonks nodded.
"Then are you coming?"
Tonks shook her head slowly. Sensing the desperation, Molly relived the young woman of the trouble of repeating her answer.
"Okay. But there's something I've been wanting you to promise me right from the beginning…" said Molly tenderly, however, with an intense penetrating expression.
"What?"
"First and foremost, you've to think over it again really seriously. Remus has a reason to believe you're rushing to decisions. Youngsters these days…" Molly shook her head, "Instead of asking yourself would you regret not doing it should you die in the next second, what you should ask yourself is this: if there's no war, would you still make the same decision? If the answer is yes, go on with it. But if the answer is no –"
"Yes, I like Remus and I really want to be with him," Tonks interrupted.
"Like all other young people, you're too impetuous, dear," said Molly and patted Tonks slightly on the head. "Spend some more time on thinking about it before you arrive at a final conclusion."
Before Tonks could make a response, there was three knocks on the backdoor. Molly glanced up at the Weasleys' Clock hastily and saw Arthur's hand was still pointing at mortal peril.
"Who could it possibly be?" Molly whispered with a furrow as she walked to the backdoor. Staring down at the table thoughtfully again, Tonks clutched the large mug in both her hands, and watched as the tea whirled on its accord. Seconds later, she could hear a male's voice, which she could recognise as Albus Dumbledore's.
"… Slughorn proved much more persuadable than I had expected," Dumbledore was saying to Molly, "Harry's doing, of course. Ah, hello, Nymphadora!"
Tonks looked up; saw that Molly had re-entered the kitchen in the company of Dumbledore and Harry. All the faces in the kitchen were now focused on her. "Hello Professor," she said to the old man, "Wotcher, Harry."
"Hi, Tonks," said Harry casually.
Tonks forced a smile and he smiled back. She looked away, but she could feel his eyes still on her, scrutinising her curiously and probably wondering what brought the sudden absence of her customary hair shade of bubblegum pink. She felt a bit uneasy under both his and Dumbledore's glances. Perhaps it's about time for her to go.
"I'd better be off," she said quickly, standing up and pulling her cloak around her shoulders. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly."
"Please don't leave on my account," said Dumbledore courageously, maybe he had sensed her nervousness in his presence. "I cannot stay, I have urgent matters to discuss with Rufus Scrimgeour."
"No, no, I need to get going," said Tonks, not meeting Dumbledore's eyes. "'Night –"
"Dear," said Molly, asking for a second time, while something meaningful flickered in her eyes, "why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming –?"
"No, really, Molly … thanks anyway … goodnight everyone."
Tonks hurried past Dumbledore and Harry into the yard; a few paces beyond the doorstep, she turned on the spot, vanished into thin air and reappeared in the garden in front of her parents' house.
She walked up to the front door carefully, making sure she wouldn't waken her parents. Reaching the second landing of the staircase, she slipped into her bedroom and closed the door behind her soundlessly. Without even untying her cloak, she collapsed on her bed. For the greater part of that night, she didn't sleep. She just stared at the ceiling and kept asking herself the same question again and again.
If there's no war, would she still make the same decision – to pursue a place besides Remus Lupin?
A/N: This chapter is boring, I know. But I think it has to be done. And I hope it has improved from the previous ones. Now PLEASE REVIEW! As usual, please comment honestly and don't hesitate to ask questions if the chapter confuses you. I'll try my best to answer them.