Oh my goodness...you guys have no idea how motivated you've made me! ::tosses out all sorts of goodies:: I be a happy girl, yes indeed. HUZZAH!!

Chapter 3: Icha Icha Nightmare

There were plenty of reasons why the two people who were sitting on the grass near the Borderlands—in the dark, mind you—were sitting on the grass in the dark, the biggest of them all being that one was a year shy of eighteen, and the other was old enough to know that he should be using more discretion in this situation, as he was the elder of the two by a good fourteen years, but his obsession for his reading material made him bend the rules every now and then.

Why should the masterpiece that is Icha Icha Paradise be restricted to those under eighteen, anyway?

Preposterous.

Hatake Kakashi saw no harm in allowing a certain former student of his to take a gander at his prized possessions. Naruto had spent quite some time under the tutelage of the author of said volumes, so the boy was already a lost cause by this point.

When one is the pupil of a renowned pervert, it is difficult to walk away from such an experience unscathed. While his...habits...were mild at present, Naruto was beginning to exhibit the signs of a little something that Kakashi dubbed 'Gutter-brain'—a condition that the Jounin knew well—and, naturally, he could not resist sharing the wonders of his books with a kindred spirit, now could he?

However, if the village notables were to discover what he was up to, the tongues would begin to wag, accusing Kakashi of 'corrupting' an 'innocent' youth, and, well, let's just say things would get very ugly, very quickly.

The rumor mill seemed to have a fondness for the silvery-haired man. Whenever he was seen out and about with a male companion, he was gay. If he was spotted chatting with a pretty female, he was a womanizer. Seen with both sexes, he was gay and a womanizer.

Personally, Kakashi found all the hoopla surrounding his sexual orientation quite humorous, and he did nothing to confirm or refute the popular opinions. He knew his own preferences better than anyone else, so if people wanted to waste energy in trying to guess what they were, all the power to them.

He did know where to draw the line, though, and being labeled a dirty molester of the child mind—despite the fact that Naruto was not a child—was going a bit too far for his comfort.

Which brings us back to the reason why he and Konoha's number one hyperactive ninja were sitting, in the dark, near the Borderlands: it stuck to one of the most important codes of the ANBU.

Do. Not. Be. Seen.

He supposed that he could have invited Naruto to his apartment, but nowadays, the female population seemed to find his doorstep the hot spot for some reason. Naruto's residence was also a no go, since he was under eighteen, after all, and his friends often invited themselves over to spend a night or two when the harping from their families became unbearable.

The risks were just too high.

Therefore, the two decided to rough it in the wild like the manly men that they were, and made an impromptu trip out to the Borderlands.

Naruto had been itching to get a glimpse at the famous trademark books of his former sensei, and he was practically frothing at the mouth by the time they reached their destination.

A few years with Jiraya can do that to a person.

Plus, there is a thrill involved when one knows that one is doing something one should not be doing. Sakura disapproved of Kakashi's books, and Naruto knew that she disapproved of them, yet here he was. The pink-haired girl often came up with some rather unpleasant ways to express her irritation, and they varied from situation to situation. She never used the same method twice, and Naruto was positive that the one she'd think up for this offense would be the worst of them all.

He liked living on the edge. It added a certain spice to life.

And so, while he and Kakashi immersed themselves in the world of fantasy in print, Shikamaru was making his way ponderously to the spot that they were sitting, swearing at anything and everything as he went.

Walking should not be a difficult procedure. You pick up one leg, swing it out, set the foot on the ground, and then repeat the process with the other leg. Human beings have learned this useful skill since the beginning of time.

However, human beings—or more specifically, Shikamaru—did not learn how to walk and search for a tiny piece of paper—in the dark—at the same time.

Somehow, he managed to not only stub all of his toes, but trip over troublesome clumps of grass that seemed to materialize out of thin air for that very purpose.

And then there was the mud.

How was he to know that he'd been drawing closer to a swamp without a flashlight—which he realized early on that he'd forgotten—anyway?

To make a long story short, in order to get to the Borderlands, one must pass through a miniature forest of sorts, a forest that was ridiculously difficult to maneuver around in when night fell, especially without the aid of a flashlight.

Shikamaru had gone almost the entire length of the forest when the ground became slick beneath him. Before he knew it, he was on his back and sliding, the momentum scooting him along at a spectacular rate. By this point, Shikamaru was resigned to the fact that he had no control over his body anymore, and prayed that he would not end up smacking into a tree.

That would be painful, indeed.

All of a sudden, he came to a jerking halt, and went flying, face-first, into a swamp.

Swamps are not what one would call beautiful affectations of nature. They smell, they taste horrible--as Shikamru discovered upon receiving a mouthful of murky mud-water--and the residue that they leave behind is impossible to be got rid of unless one has large amounts of time to spend soaking in the most potent soap available.

Shikamaru did not have time, and neither did he have potent soap.

What he did have was sandals that squelched with every step he took, seaweed stuck in his hair, and drying mud/residue on every inch of his frame.

And he smelled.

Horrible.

The tripping and toe-stubbing were the final straw, and his already shaky composure, quite literally, cracked.

"DAMN IT!" He squawked after another clump of grass appeared in his path. "I JUST WANT TO FIND THE—insert all possible swearwords here—LETTER!"

He then proceeded to tell the grass clump exactly what he thought of it, and at some length. After he ran out of breath, he was convinced that the grass managed to appear sheepish.

"Serves you right," he sniffed, not pausing to think on how silly he must appear to be scolding inanimate objects. His sanity was questionable now, besides, so what difference did it make?

Nearby, Naruto's brow furrowed. He'd been in the middle of a rather—shall we say racy?—part of the story, and his enjoyment was interrupted by a loud screeching noise that could almost pass for a human voice. He lifted his head a fraction and looked around.

"Did you hear that?" He whispered to Kakashi. "It sounded like a dying...goat or something."

Of course, Kakashi hadn't noticed a thing, as he had the ability to tune out the world while he was reading, and he looked up with some reluctance.

"How do you know what a dying goat sounds like?"

Naruto could not come up with an answer to that.

"Er...I dunno...that's just the first animal that came to mind."

Kakashi was not about to relent.

"But why a goat? Why not...a cow, or a deer? You're more likely to run into one of those critters around here than a goat."

Naruto was becoming frustrated.

"It's not like I sat here and thought about the sounds that a cow and a deer make before I came up with a goat! I just..."

"Ran your mouth before you considered what you were saying," Kakashi finished. "From your logic, a fish could make that noise, too, if you thought of fish before goat."

Somewhere in Naruto's forehead, a vein was beginning to pulse.

"I WAS JUST SAYING THAT I HEARD A WEIRD NOISE! I WON'T MENTION GOATS ANYMORE, OKAY?"

That seemed to satisfy Kakashi, who responded by snorting and burying his face in his book.

"Temper, temper," he chided deprecatingly, and Naruto was filled with the desire to draw things on his former sensei's face with a permanent marker.

I wonder if I have one of those in my side pouch...he mused, and was digging around through the clutter when Shikamaru appeared, looking quite—demented—to say the least.

"Oi! Shikamaru!" Naruto called, waving his hand around in the air.

Shikamaru did not notice that anyone else was out here at this time of night, as he was far too gone down the road of insanity to take note of his surroundings, but Naruto's voice had a distinctive tone that could be easily recognized by anyone who knew him, and even by those who didn't.

Crap, he thought. Crap, crap, crap! I don't want to have to explain my motives for being here! That's too embarrassing! Maybe if I just turn around slowly, Naruto will forget that he saw me...

"Shikamaru? What are you doing?" Kakashi shouted. "Come over here!"

Oh I give up.

For the second time that day, Shikamaru was forced to move forward instead of retreat, as he clearly wanted to.

"Woah! What the hell happened to you?" Naruto inquired when the beam of his flashlight shone on the dark-haired Chuunin.

"Don't ask," Shikamaru replied.

Judging from the looks of things, Naruto let the matter drop. Shikamaru was a laid back guy, but that only went so far. He remembered something else then.

"Oh...aren't we supposed to be keeping this a secret?" He said, motioning to the books.

Kakashi shrugged. "I think we can trust Shikamaru to keep his mouth shut." He gave the other boy a significant look. "Right?"

Shikamaru eyed the books, a brow raised. "So Naruto's a pervert now too, huh?"

The boy in question blushed.

"I'm not surprised," Shikamaru said, sighing. "Yeah, I won't say anything."

Naruto let out a breath in relief. "Oh, good."

His expression changed to one of curiosity.

Shikamaru tensed.

It was coming...

...the one thing that he couldn't avoid...

"Why are you here?"

Target locked.

"Er...I...erm...dropped something," he said lamely. "When I was training with Asuma today."

Kakashi exchanged a glance with Naruto.

"Could you be a little more specific? Saying you dropped 'something' isn't all that helpful."

Target hit.

Damn it all.

"It was...mmruph."

The last part of the sentence was mumbled, and it did not resemble anything close to a real word at all.

Naruto was puzzled.

"You dropped mmruph? What's mmruph?"

Shikamaru pictured Naruto's head as a kickball, and the idea of watching it fly was amusing enough to give him the willpower to remain civil.

"I have a list of horrid things, the number one being women in general, but you're in a category all by yourself," he stated.

Perhaps not civil.

"What? I'm sorry for not knowing what mmruph means!" Naruto turned to Kakashi. "You heard him! Didn't he say mmruph? Do you know what that means?"

"Leave me out of this," Kaskashi said, his face back in his book. After a few seconds, though, he couldn't resist any longer. "You did say mmruph, Shikamaru."

Could this day possibly get any worse?

He was tired.

He was dirty.

He was smelly.

The letter he wrote that he shouldn't have written but did was gone.

And now this.

Shikamaru sighed.

Time to lie.

"It was a...list that my mom gave me of stuff she needed. My mother's a harpy when she's mad, so if I don't go home with the stuff, I'm cooked."

Not bad at all, Shikamaru! He complimented himself. That's believable, right?

Naruto ate it up. "I've seen his mom when she's in a rage," he confirmed, nodding. "She's scary."

Kakashi, on the other hand, could smell a lie when it was in front of him, but he figured that Shikamaru must have a reason to conceal his real purpose for being out here, so he didn't press the matter.

"It's late," he pointed out instead. "I'm afraid you're not going to find anything around here now, anyway, even if you wanted to. Naruto and I didn't see any lists anywhere, or one of us would've picked it up, I'm sure, and obviously you didn't see it, either. And I'm sure your mom will understand when you explain to her what happened."

As much as Shikamaru wanted to protest, Kakashi did have a point. Without a flashlight, he'd be floundering blind, and he wasn't about to look for the letter with two other people over his shoulder. Besides, he'd found no trace of it even when he tried looking before. Either the letter had gotten destroyed, or someone else had it.

The first possibility he could handle, but the second...

Catastrophic.

However, there was nothing he could do now. Fate was not about to make this easy, as he would soon come to realize.

No, things were going to get much crazier...

"Do you know what goats sound like?" Naruto asked out of the blue as they were walking home.

Kakashi groaned, and smacked him upside the head.

To be continued...

::grins:: Next up, we hear from everyone's favorite female ninja! I'm going to shoot for one more update before I go back to school next weekend, and then the updates probably won't be as frequent, but I'll do my best!

Thank you all so much for reviewing! MUAH!