Author's Note: Ok so this could be a little random, bear with me, hope you enjoy this.
Disclaimer: Only this story belongs to me, nothing else to do with Troy.
Scene change to somewhere in Thessaly
Two armies march up to meet each other.
Agamemnon: Well, hello stranger, fancy you being here?
Triopas: Get the hell away from my land, this is trespassing (speaks in a sudden southern accent)
Agamemnon: I like your land like your soldiers too, except for that one right there. (Points to a soldier)
Triopas: Which one? (Looks to where Agamemnon is pointing)
Agamemnon: That one, -second from the left.
Triopas: He just so happens to be my son. (Says through gritted teeth)
Agamemnon: hmm-go figure. (Not paying attention to Triopas' outrage).
Triopas: How dare -
Agamemnon: Look I'm sick of standing here, let's just settle this mano a mano.
Triopas: Ok, but be warned, beneath this boyish, sexy and slightly geriatric exterior is an animal waiting to be unleashed.
Agamemnon: I'm not talking about us, but see me later about unleashing your animal within (grins cheekily). My best man against your best man.
Triopas: But I've never been married.
Agamemnon: Oh for Zeus' sake, your warrior will fight my warrior and then if I win, I get your allegiance, if you win, I'll leave and go home.
Triopas: Fine by me, and you disgust me! BOAGRIUS!
Fugly soldier wearing a loincloth comes forward.
Agamemnon: ACHILLES!
No answer, Agamemnon fumes and begins to grind his teeth.
Triopas: Boagrius has this affect on many heroes, and I can't tell you how many mirrors he's shattered of late (leans in and almost whispers this).
Rider arrives
Agamemnon: Where is he?
Rider: I've sent a boy to look for him.
Scene change to a village somewhere in Greece
Little boy rides a horse casually into a village. Enters a tent tentatively. Boy goes to wake who he believes is Achilles, who in turn grabs his arm.
Man: you've got the wrong tent
Boy: sorry sir
Boy goes next door. Enters the tent tentatively. Boy goes to wake the real Achilles, you can
tell because he's sleeping completely naked with several naked ladies strewn strategically around his tent. Achilles grabs his arm.
Boy: I have the strangest feeling of deja vu. (to camera)
Achilles: I was having a good dream. (looks around, a nude Scotsman is walking, completely
unfazed by everyone else's presence, around the tent)
Achilles: Ok, so maybe the dream wasn't so good (clearly disgusted).
Achilles dresses at lightning speed, while the boy watches.
Boy: So the rumours are true
Achilles: About what?
Boy: You're enormous (realises what he's about to say to a trained killer and an arrogant one at
that)...tent, you're enormous tent, he he. (Achilles gives him filthy look)
Achilles: Sure (clearly not convinced)
Boy: The guy you're about to fight, he's the biggest man I've ever seen. I wouldn't want to fight him.
Achilles: Remembering that you are only 10 years old and anyone could crush your skull in one hand...but that is why no one will remember your name, because you're a wimp.
Boy begins to cry.
Scene changes back to battlefield, where everyone has been waiting patiently
Achilles: Hey hey never fear Achilles is here, what up dog? how's my brother from another mother.
Agamemnon and Nestor exchange confused looks.
Agamemnon: Cut the crap, this is how this is going to work, you're gonna kill that guy (points to Boagrius), and then I'll whip you for being late, and when it comes to pay day, you're not gonna get paid any extra for this.
Achilles: well in that case, you can kiss my - (is cut off)
Nestor: Wait, Achilles, look at these faces, you can end this war with a swing of your sword, let them go home to their wives.
Achilles scratches back of his head with sheepish look on his face.
Achilles: Uhh...about that
Nestor: Oh Achilles, u haven't slept with them? (disappointed)
Achilles nods slightly.
Nestor: What all of them, u haven't, knocked any of them up have you?
Achilles: Well let me put it this way, those three guys standing at the front, their wives are probably still lying in my tent.
Nestor: That's my daughter's husband!
Achilles: Oh, really, oh yeah, she has your eyes.
Nestor: Yeah that's what everyone says (thoughtfully and casually).
Achilles: Oh all right! Imagine a king who fought his own battles, wouldn't that be a sight.
Agamemnon: (to Nestor) of all the warlords loved by the gods I envy him the most, have you heard about his enormous (Nestor gives him a disgusted look) ... tent, his enormous tent, he he. (Nestor is not convinced)
Achilles skips over to Boagrius, dodging spears, then kills Boagrius.
Crowd cheers for Achilles.
Meanwhile in Sparta Menelaus has declared peace with Troy. And he is completely and totally drunk.