Author's Note: This is possibly my favourite chapter so far, hope it is yours as well.

Disclaimer: No owner of anything to do with Troy here, except this story.

Scene change to Troy, crowd is welcoming the Princes home.

Townspeople throw what everyone is hoping is confetti. Priam greets his sons.

Priam: My son.

Hector: Father.

Priam gives a dirty look at Paris over Hector's shoulder while they're hugging.

Priam: Paris.

Paris: Father, this is Helen.

Priam raises an eyebrow.

Priam: Helen of Sparta?

Paris: Helen of Troy.

Priam (mutters under his breath): Not again.

Hector sees Andromache and runs up 2 meet her, before he jumps into her arms and she swings him around while they pash like there's no tomorrow. Paris stands around seething, then starts pashing Helen for no apparent reason. Meanwhile Briseis runs down stairs.

Briseis: Paris! (in a high pitched voice that wasn't thought to be humanly possible).

Paris: Beloved cousin.

Paris kisses Briseis a little too passionately; Helen sniffs and storms off, bumping into Hector and Andromache who are now being ushered out of the main hall and into their bedroom. Meanwhile Astyanax is left behind. Priam picks him up, looking puzzled.

Priam: Who does this pink mini person belong to? I swear I have no idea where it came from.

Guard: That would be Hector's mini person. And you really don't want to know where it came from, although I have a feeling there's another one on the way.

Priam: Well I really must protest.

Paris and Briseis stop kissing. Hector comes back to claim Astyanax.

Hector: Briseis, a servant of Apollo?

Priam: Yes, what can I say the young men of Troy were somewhat relieved when she chose the virgin robes.

Paris looks rather sheepish.

Paris: Are you sure she's a virgin?

Briseis elbows him in the ribs lightly, Paris cries and rolls around on the floor writhing in pain.

Hector, carrying baby Astyanax, steps over Paris muttering something that sounded like 'pussy'.

Scene changes to Hector and Priam discussing things in a hallway

Hector: Paris is the biggest wimp, he wishes Troy to fight his battles for him.

Priam sighs wearily.

Priam: Look as much as I agree with you, it's up to the gods, everything is in their hands.

Hector: She can't stay.

Priam: Yes she can, Paris and her are sorting things out now, just because Paris greeted his cousin with a little more oomph than was expected.

Hector rolls his eyes.

Hector: Put her on a boat and send her home.

Priam: You know Paris the horny little pussy, he'd follow her to the end of the Earth if she was any good in bed.

Hector: This is my country and these are my countrymen -

Priam: No shit, but we're safe here, behind these lovely high walls (pats wall rather more affectionately than thought necessary), Apollo watches over us.

Hector: And how many battalions does the sun god command? Honestly, anyone would think that everything we do revolves around them.

Priam: Careful Hector, any moment now Apollo could strike you down.

Hector (yells at sky): So strike me oh mighty Apollo.

Priam: HECTOR!

Hector: What! I'm waiting for the Sun God to... (sky suddenly turns grey) to unleash his wrath upon me. (it starts hailing) but for Zeus' sake he won't strike me down, because I'm Hector and I have a hot body. (Hailstone comes spiraling down and hits Priam. Skies part and Apollo looks down).

Apollo: Thousand apologies King Priam, I was aiming for Hector.

Priam glares and rubs forehead.