Author's Note: Apologies to Eric Bana/Hector fans out there, I've turned him into a homosexual, but don't take it seriously, I'm a huge fan of Eric Bana/Hector, as you can probably tell from my previous ANs and Disclaimers.
Disclaimer: I know jack about Troy, and own even less.
Scene change to Paris and Helen in Paris' room
Helen is leaning against a pole, which is both annoying and turning Paris on. Annoying him, because she's stating the obvious instead of making out with him and of course a chick leaning against a pole is going to turn him on.
Helen: They're coming for me, the wind is bringing them closer
Paris: Uh...Helen, I hate to tell you but there is no wind
Gale force winds begin knocking Paris and Helen back onto his bed.
Paris: It's a sign from the gods, they want us to have sex.
Paris and Helen continue to make out. Being the shallow cowardly wanker that he is, Paris is once again happy and hornier than ever.
Scene change to Hector holding Astyanax
Andromache walks over, both smile at the cute little baby, busily sucking away on a toy.
Hector: uuuhhh...is he supposed to be making that noise?
Andromache: I'm pretty sure he's alright. (Tries to start pashing Hector again)
Hector: He's tearing that lion toy apart like he's possessed or something
Andromache: Oh it's fine (Still trying to make a pass on him)
Hector: No it's not (defensively), do you know how it took me to make that, and now it looks like it's been attacked by a pair of rabid beavers.
Andromache: Look! What's your problem, you're never fully in the mood!
Hector: What's your problem why do you always want to make out with me! ...oh wait I think I can answer that for myself (looking at his beautifully toned muscles).
Bell tolls and interrupts their argument.
Hector bowls Astyanax back into his crib, a homeless 10-year old boy runs into the room.
Boy: It's the Australian fast bowler, he can save us.
Hector: fast bowl this.
Hector throws the boy off balcony.
Scene change to Paris and Helen again
Paris walks out onto balcony. Helen, half undressed, follows him, thinking 'shit, I wish these dresses were as easy to put on as they are to take off'
Paris: Wow. Gale force winds really help sailboats. (thoughtfully)
Scene change to Hector in the armoury
Hector: How long will it take to get things ready.
Lysander: Well, I have the candles, the bath bombs, and the violinist, and the hot tub is almost ready.
Hector blushes deeply, as the men look at him funny.
Hector: No, what are you talking about (trying to save his dignity). Regular prankster this one (Says to random guard). (whispers to Lysander) play along. (laughs uncomfortably)
Lysander laughs along, neither sound convincing.
Hector: What I meant to say was when will the men be ready, and I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure you're not going to be alive after today so the date's off.
Lysander: Well in that case (clearly offended) the men won't be ready until noon.
Hector: Well make it sooner, I promise if you do, we can spend an hour in the hot tub.
Lysander: Yes my Lord (excited).