Author's Note: Ok, don't ask me how this works, but I've turned Achilles into a guywho bones everything in sight, but at the same time is impetent. Apologies.

Disclaimer: Please refer to previous disclaimers, as I'm running out of things to say.

Scene change to Achilles' Tent

Achilles is having Briseis feed him grapes.

Eudorus walks in, sees Briseis sitting in a sexy position. Eudorus blushes deeply, crosses his legs and siddles out of the tent.

Eudorus comes back later, looking as though he's just had a very cold shower, he's wearing a striped dressing, gown fuzzy bunny slippers, and carrying a sponge bag.

Eudorus: My Lord, the army is marching.

Achilles: I don't feel like fighting, we're staying.

Eudorus: But -

Achilles: No buts Eudorus, unless it's mine. We stay until Agamemnon moans to hae Achilles - (gets cut off).

Eudorus: I'm pretty sure he's already doing that.

Achilles: Let me finish; we stay until Agamemnon moans to hae Achilles back.

Patoclus enters tent.

Patroclus: Your shower's ready Eudorus.

Eudrous: Is it cold?

Patroclus: Icey.

Achilles looks on in amazement.

Achilles: Another one?

Eudorus: I like to be...clean!

Achilles rolls his eyes.

Achilles: Oi, Patroclus get your scrawny ass that is so much less sexy than mine over here.

Patroclus looks at his ass then Achilles' before obeying as if in agreement.

Achilles: Look I'm going to make this short, are you ready to kill people?

Patroclus: Ofcourse I am! (indignantly)

Achilles: At night I see the faces, of everything I've boned, I see them standing on the bank of the River Stynx, they're waiting for me. Sometimes I walk among them, when I wake, I can still hear their words, they say 'welcome daddy'.

Patroclus looks puzzled, then realises what's happened.

Patroclus: You've been at the marajuana again, haven't you?

Achilles looks uncomfortable.

Achilles: No I haven't.

Patroclus: I think we're getting a little off the subject, but I'm ready to fight.

Achilles: Yeah, well I'm still cut at you for telling the men about my...issue.

Patroclus puts a hand on Achilles knee.

Patroclus: Cousin, impetence is nothing to be ashamed of.

Briseis sniggers, Achilles blushes deeply.

Achilles: Remove your hand, just for that you don't get to fight!

Patroclus: Screw you!

Patroclus walks outside and cries, passing Eudorus, who is on his way to his fifth shower, this scene.

Achilles turns to Briseis

Achilles: Actually I'll leave that for you to do my dear.

Briseis: Look, I know this is difficult, but just so you know, I don't screw guys who, you know, can't deliver the goods.

Briseis walks off.

Achilles stretches

Achilles (to himself)Oh yes, she will be mine.

Author's Note: See what I mean?