Author's Note: Ok guys, this chapter is heaps long, and guess who's back - that's right, the Scotsman appears again, and a couple of previous chapters' jokes appear aswell, so make sure you're up to date on the other chapters as well.
Disclaimer: Troy doesn't belong to me, but the scotsman does, so keep your hands off, lol, not that you'd wanna touch him anyway, all hair and sinew, lol.
Scene change to Troy, where everyone is preparing for battle
Hector and Paris are standing at the front of the rows of soldiers.
Hector: Are you sure you wanna do this?
Paris: Of course I don't, but I'm just going to pretend I know how to swordfight and lull him into a false sense of security.
Hector looks at Menelaus and then at Paris and bursts out laughing.
Hector: Good luck with that.
Paris looks up at Helen, who is leaning over the wall.
Helen waves at him. Then harks a loogie over the side of the wall, hitting Hector in the back of the head.
Hector puts a hand on the back of his head, and looks at the substance on his hand.
Hector (to Paris) Gross, is Helen spitting on me again?
Paris: I hope s- I mean ... I think so.
Everyone rides up to meet each other in the middle.
Meanwhile Helen goes to spit again, but Priam interjects.
Priam: Helen, come sit by me.
Helen does so, Andromache is sitting on the other side of Priam, baby Astynax is off somewhere, no one has actually seen the mini person since Andromache and Hector were...well you know - is this a coincidence?
Scene flicks back to Agamemnon his cohorts, Hector and Paris all talking
Agamemnon: I see your not hiding between those enormous (looking at Hector's legs), I mean behind your high walls, he he.
Paris and Hector exchange confused glances.
Agamemnon (to Nestor) And I thought I couldn't control myself around Achilles!
Hector looks disgusted.
Hector: You look at my legs, uninvited! Go back to your ships and get the hell away from me!
Agamemnon: I've seen too much Prince Hector, I'm hooked.
Menelaus (looking at Hector) Prince? These are no princes. What son of a king would accept a man's hospitality, eat his food, drink his wine, and then steal his wife in the middle of the night?
Hector (slightly worried)You realise that Paris is the one that did the wife stealing.
Menelaus: Oh, (looks at Paris) let me take that from the top - Prince? -
Paris: Enough! And anyway the sun was shining when I stole Helga, I mean when Helga left you!
Hector just shakes his head thinking - 'I swear he's adopted.'
Menelaus: She's up there watching isn't she, (doesn't wait for an answer) good, I want her to see you die!
Agamemnon: Hold your horses, have a squiz Hector, I've brought all the warriors from Greece, read it and weep.
Nestor: You can still save Troy, young prince.
Agamemnon: Look here's the deal, give Helen back to Menelaus, and I want your army, to fight for me whenever I call on them.
Hector: You want me to look upon your army and tremble? Well I see them, and (hand, which is resting on sword, starts to shake, swords makes a clattering noise, everyone looks down at Hector's sword) ...it's working.
Paris feints.
Agamemnon: Careful boy, my mercy has limits.
Hector: I've seen the limits of your mercy. And I tell you no son of Troy will submit to a foreign ruler.
Agamemnon: Then every son of Troy shall die.
Scotsman: Aye for Scotland.
Everyone in unison: Who's side are you on?
Scotsman siddles out of camera view.
Paris (in yet another pathetic attempt to sound brave, noble and any other virtue that he does not posess) There is another way. I love Helen, neither of us will give her up, because you know, whoo, she's won fiesty tomcat. The lucky winner will take her home, and let that be the end of it.
Agamemnon: A (cough) brave offer, but not enough.
Menelaus (to Agamemnon) Let me kill this peacock.
Agamemnon: I didn't come for your (looking up at Helen) extremely hot, blonde, tomcat - I mean your wife.
Menelaus: And I came for my honour, his every breath insults me, let me kill him, when he's lying in the dust give the signal to attack, and you can have your city.
Agamemnon: No wait...I have a better idea, you can kill him, and when he's lying in the dust I'll give the signal to attack, and I'll have my city.
Menelaus: And that's why you became King of Greece instead of me? (resentfully).
Menelaus (to Paris) I accept your challenge.
Paris gulps loudly.
Hector stands in utter disbelief, 'what did Paris think would happen, that his 'bravery' would scare off Menelaus?' Hector suddenly realises that, after knowing his brother his whole life, this was probably the case.
They go to collect their weapons.
Hector: Make him swing and miss, he'll tire.
Paris looks at Menelaus.
Paris: How long is that going to take.
Hector rolls his eyes.
Paris: If I - (gulp) fall, tell Hilda, tell her.
Hector rolls his eyes again.
Hector: I will.
Paris: No you don't know what I'm going to say.
Hector: Sure I do, that you love her.
Paris: What? No, no, no, no, that I left an inflatable doll that is an exact copy of me folded up in the top drawer, she'll know what you mean.
Paris walks towards Menelaus, leaving his brother asking the soldiers for a bucket so he can throw up.
Menelaus swings at Paris several times, Paris ends up cowering behind his shield and not having a clue what's going on, or knowing Paris, even what a shield is.
Menelaus belly flops on top of Paris' shield. Paris is embedded into the ground for several seconds. Menelaus grabs his shield and throws it carelessly away. Agamemnon ducks.
Menelaus kicks Paris. Paris scurries towards his brother. Hector suddenly realises what the scurrying thing the other night actually was. Hector shudders at the thought of what Paris was actually doing in that bush.
Scene change to Priam sitting on his throne
Priam cannot see what is going on, but somehow knows that Paris isn't fighting.
Priam: Fight him son, fight him.
Helen and Andromache crane their necks to see if Priam can see the fight. Both look at each other puzzled, as Priam can't see over the wall.
Menelaus: Get your scrawny ass over here.
Paris (to self) Where have I heard that before?
Agamemnon: The Trojans have violated the agreement, forward march!
Paris grabs hold of Hector's 'kilt', which in turn begins to fall down. Hector tries hard to hold it up.
Menelaus: If he doesn't fight, Troy is doomed.
Hector: Paris...get off me.
Paris: No, no, oohhh why have you got hair growing on your legs? That can't be natural, can it?
Hector ignores this.
Hector (to Menelaus)The fight is over.
Menelaus: No it's not.
Paris: Yes it is.
Hector and Menelaus in unison: Who asked you?
Menelaus: Stand back, I'll kill him at your feet.
Hector: As much as I would like that, he's my little brother, and daddy would make me sleep outside.
Hector stabs Menelaus, Menelaus dies.
Chaos is everywhere.
Hector: PARIS! Get up!
Paris runs in wrong direction.
Hector: Get your scrawny ass back here.
Paris: I have the strangest feeling of deja vu.
Paris grabs sword of Troy, that he had dropped before the fight even had started, but he can't lift it so he drags it, holding it with both hands.
Paris gets back to Hector, who puts him on a horse and sends him inside the walls.
Hector: He is such a pussy.
Big Battle!
Lots of random shots of people dying.
Someone finally points out the obvious.
Odyseuss: We need to retreat!
Agamemnon: No we don't - I'm winning, look at my precious army, it's gigantic!
Odyseuss rolls eyes.
Odyseuss: That's their army!
Agamemnon: Oh, RETREAT!
Scene flicks back to Hector
Hector: HALT!
No one listens.
Hector: STOP!
Everyone comes to a stand still.
Lysander: They're running away, let's chase them.
Hector: Dude, they have archers too you know.
Lysander: Oh, oh yeah, I see them.
Hector: (shakes head) Dipshit. Look I hate being messy, so get everyone to start clearing this up, but only what belongs to us. When we're finished, send someone your pissed at to tell Agamemnon that he can collect his dead.
Lysander: Why someone I'm pissed at?
Hector: Because they'll probably get disembowled.
Lysander: Oh cool - Glaucus? Where are you?
Author's Note: He he, I made my dreams of a blow up doll come true, too bad it was Paris.