Author's Note: Ok guys, here we say goodbye to the scotsman, but I promise I'll bring him back upon request. Ahhh, I remember when he was born. Itall started one day while watching Troy, and Glaucus said 'Yes I think we can win this war' and I added 'Aye forScotland', and thus the Scotsman came into existance.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except for my beloved Scotsman, lol eeww gross,I wouldn't mind so much if he was Irish, I've always had athingfor the Irish, just a bit ofkinky info about me.

Scene is still in Achilles' tent

Briseis is kneeling over the 'sleeping' Achilles with a knife at his throat.

Achilles snores loudly, Briseis gasps, Achilles wakes up.

Achilles: Go on, you know you want to. (Sees knife and then realises Briseis' true intentions).

Briseis: Aren't you afraid?

Briseis sits back. She's now closer to Achilles', and any guy's for that matter, pride and joy, while holding a knife, poised to strike.

Achilles begins to panic now.

Achilles (tries to remain calm, but voice is more high pitched and wavering than normal) Every mortal dies, whether it's now or fifty years, what does it matter in the face of castration, uh... I mean eternity.

Briseis realises where the knife is in relation to Achilles' reproductive organs.

Briseis: You'll only screw me if I don't.

Achilles: Is that really so bad.

Briseis: Meh.

Briseis grabs hold of Achilles and they play tonsil hockey for around about 3 seconds before screwing, clearly foreplay is not an option here.

Scene change to next morning on the beach

Achilles is packing up.

Achilles (to Eudorus) Move your ass, we're going home.

Odysseus comes over.

Odysseus: Did you find the girl?

Achilles: Oh I found her alright. (winking).

Odysseus: I wish you wouldn't share stuff like that with me.

Achilles: Do you miss your wife?

Odysseus: Hell no, why do you think I'm here, risking life and limb instead of sitting at home watching the footy? Stupid bitch always nagging at me. (puts on high pitched voice) Odysseus wash the dishes, Odysseus cook the dinner, Odysseus make the bed! Honestly, women don't know their place these days, they should be doing all that stuff.

Achilles: I've never washed dishes, I used to think it was a weakness...cleaning. (shudders)

Odysseus: It is, which is why Greece is so weak - it needs you.

Achilles: Greece got along fine before I was born, and Greece will be Greece long after I'm dead.

Odysseus: I'm not talking about the land!

Scotsman wanders onto the scene.

Scotsman: Aye, laddie the highland, Ach, how long ago it was since I've been back to ye old Scotland...

Achilles: Look, no one asked for your opinion, if you miss Scotland so much, take a boat, and row your sinewy ass back there.

Scotsman cries, then gets into a row boat and sails away.

Odysseus and Achilles look at each other and shrug.

Odysseus: Anywho, the hills and valleys, they don't care what we do.

Achilles: Well dah.

Odysseus: The men need you, you should have seen the slaughter yesterday.

Achilles: What do you think I was doing? Boning that Scottish guy?

Odysseus goes to speak.

Achilles: Don't answer that. I saw the prick who led the slaughter.

Agamemnon (who happens to be walking passed) I heard that.

Achilles gives Agamemnon one fingered salute.

Agamemnon goes off and cries.

Odysseus: Look Agamemnon is simple minded, but when your a king, very few things are simple, Ithaca cannot afford an enemy like Agamemnon.

Achilles: Am I supposed to fear him?

Odysseus: Well... I would if I were you, you should see some of the kinky stuff he keeps under his bed. Stay Achilles, you were born to be kinky.

Achilles: My life is kinky. Is that what you think?

Odysseus: Am I wrong?

Achilles stares into space.

Achilles: A week ago you would have been right, but things are less simple today.

Odysseus: Women have a way of making things kinkier.

Achilles turns to Odysseus and smiles.

Achilles: Oh you have no idea.

Odysseus: Was she really that much of a tomcat.

Achilles nods solemnly.

Achilles: Of all the kings of Greece, I respect you the most, but in this war you are just plain nosy. And I refuse to tell you anymore.

Odysseus gets stroppy.

Odysseus: Sometimes you need to be nosy in order to gossip. I hope one day you understand that!

Odysseus storms off.

Patroclus comes over to Achilles.

Patroclus throws a tanty.

Patroclus: I don't wanna go!

Achilles: Well your going, whether you like it or not.

Patroclus: I'm gonna make this quick. I think we're running away like cowards.

Achilles growls.

Briseis, standing a little way away from Achilles, shivers.

Achilles: If my blood wasn't in your veins.

Patroclus: But it is, why do don't you do something? (sings Brittany Spears song and dances around).

Achilles: Stop!

Patroclus ingores his cousin.

Achilles punches him in the nose.

Patroclus: Ow, what did you do that for?

Achilles: I gave you an order, cousin, do not sing Brittany Spears songs! Oh, and we leave at noon.

Patroclus: Look, if you command us not to fight for the Thing of Things, so be it. But please don't ask me not to fight for Troy... I mean Greece.

Patroclus storms off.

Achilles (to camera) You'd think I enjoy pissing people off, but then again, I do love razzing my cousin.

Achilles walks off chuckling to himself.

Author's Note: Before you click on the review button, think 'am I actually going to review this story or argue with someone?'because if you are - don't. I'm a getting really pissed off with people using my reviews to argue among themselves. I'm not pointing fingers, just cut it out. If you wanna argue email each other! Thankyou