Author's Note: Ok, I'm proud of this, however, it's not for the faint hearted, there is fair bit more sexual referneces and coarse language in this chappy, but it's all in good fun. Take no offence, I am not poking fun at homosexuals. But feel free to say I'm poking fun at Paris, he deserves it the pretty boy. No offence intended to fans of Orlando Bloom.

Disclaimer: Don't own Troy, or unfortunately Eric Bana.

Scene change to the burning of Patroclus on a pyre.

Agamemnon is looking up at Achilles who is cleaning Patroclus' face.

Agamemnon: (to Nestor) You know, from this angle, I can see right up Achilles' skirt.

Achilles puts two pennies on Patroclus' eyes, kisses his forehead and then descends the ladder. Agamemnon pouts.

Random scene flicks:

Achilles watching Patroclus burn.

Briseis watching Achilles watching Patroclus burn.

Eudorus in the bushes watching Briseis watch Achilles watching Patroclus burn.

Agamemnon wanking off in his tent.

Priam on a balcony and using a telescope to look through his neighbours windows.

Hector standing by Astynax's crib, while Andromache rolls around on the bed in a suggestive manner.

Helen lying in bed, before going out on to the balcony and watching Paris 'practise' using a bow and arrow.

Paris shoots an arrow into his foot.

Scene flick back to Achilles, walks past Briseis who appears to have fallen asleep on the sand. What really happened was she accidentally sat on a syringe and is now unconscious. Achilles steps over her.

Achilles: Eudorus.

Eudorus: My Lord.

Achilles: I need my armour.

Scene showing Achilles getting dressed.

Achilles gets on a chariot. Eudorus goes to jump on directly behind him.

Achilles: Not now. Maybe later. Someone hand me a rope.

Myrmidons give Achilles a funny look.

Achilles: It's nothing kinky you sickos.

Myrmidons shrug and hand him a rope.

Achilles goes to leave.

Briseis runs after him.

Briseis: Don't go. Hector is my cousin. He's a good man.

Achilles drives off.

Scene change to Troy.

Achilles rides up, archer goes to shoot him, Hector says not to.

Achilles gets off chariot.

Achilles: HECTOR! (yells this at the ground repeatedly).

Hector kneels before Priam.

Hector: Father, forgive me for any offences, I served you as best I could.

Priam: May the gods be with you. In other words; goodbye.

Hector turns to leave.

Praim: Hector, no father could have a better son.

Paris coughs loudly.

Everyone glares.

Paris: You're the best ... man I know.

Hector: I'd say the same for you, but there is no way your balls have dropped yet.

Hector turns to Andromache.

Hector: Remember what I told you?

Andromache: You don't have to go. You don't -

Hector: Remember what I told you. Fingers crossed it's a packet of gum.

Hector goes downstairs and goes to fight Achilles.

Hector: I've seen this moment in my dreams.

Achilles coughs which suspiciously sounds like 'poof'.

Hector: I'll make a pact with you, with the gods as my witnesses. Let us pledge that the winner will allow the loser all the proper funeral rituals.

Achilles: There are no pacts between lions and men.

Hector: So which one of us is the lion?

Achilles rolls eyes and takes off his helmet shaking his hair as if he's starring in Charlie's Angles.

Achilles: Now you know who you are fighting.

Hector coughs 'a poof'.

Hector: I thought it was you I was fighting yesterday. I wish it was you I was fighting, but I gave the boy the honour he -

Achilles: You gave him the honour of your sword. You won't have eyes tonight, you won't have ears, or a tongue. And if your penis is bigger than mine, which I'm doubting, but if it is I'm gonna chop that too. You'll wander the underworld, blind, deaf and dumb. And all the dead will know: this is Hector, the fool who thought he'd killed Achilles.

Hector and Achilles fight for a bit.

Achilles stabs Hector and he dies.

Achilles kicks the dead body of Hector repeatedly.

Priam calls out to him.

Praim: Uh... Mr Achilles sir, he's uh dead.

Achilles gives Priam a one fingered salute.

Achilles ties Hector to the back of the chariot and rides away with Hector dragging behind.

Twenty feet later Achilles' chariot falls over sideways.

Achilles gets up and kicks the chariot.

Achilles: No freaking power steering! What is wrong with these people?