Author's Note: Almost finished.

Disclaimer: Don't own Troy or the line in here that belongs to a movie starring Jim Carrey.

Scene change to Achilles and Eudorus sitting on a dune and having a tender moment

Achilles is stroking Eudorus' leg, in the absence of Briseis.

Achilles: Eudorus. Forgive me. I should never have struck you. You've been a loyal friend all your life.

Achilles continues mindlessly stroking Eudorus' leg.

Eudorus: I hope I never disappoint you again.

Achilles and Eudorus both lean in for a pash.

Achilles opens his eyes and sees Eudorus puckering up.

Achilles: AARRRGGGHHH, DUDE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!

Eudorus: I forgive you it's ok.

Achilles yells some more.

Achilles: I thought you were Briseis.

Achilles: (still disgusted) Rouse the men, you're taking them home.

Eudorus: Aren't you coming?

Achilles: After what just happened! Uh, don't think so. I'm gonna go get my bitch back.

Eudorus: She's worth fighting for, damn what a tomcat, we'll stand behind you.

Achilles: No all that's left is slaughter, I don't want my men to be fouled in the blood of children. Go Eudorus, and forget the last 5 minutes, otherwise you'll never see home again.

Eudorus: Yes my lord, fighting for you has been my life's honour.

Scene change to 12 days later, two Trojan sentries are in a guard tower near the beach.

Sentry looks down at the beach.

Sentry: They're gone.

Scene change to the beach later that day. A giant wooden horse is standing there.

Lots of dead Greeks covered in black sores lie all over the place.

Priam: Tuberculosis.

Guard: I think it's the plague.

Priam: (sweetly) Who's the king?

Archeptolemus: It's the will of the gods.

Glaucus: Uh... everything is the will of the gods, dah, that's why it happens.

Archeptolemus sniffs: They desecrated the temple of Apollo and Apollo desecrated their flesh.

Everyone is silent, someone coughs towards the back of the crowd.

Priam: What the hell is that ... thing?

Archeptolemus: An offering to Poseidon. The Greeks are praying for a safe journey home. And of course, we want the Greeks to regain their numbers and come back and attack us again, so we should take it to the temple of Poseidon so they can return home safely.

Paris has the first good idea all movie.

Paris: I think we should burn it.

But no one trusts Paris' judgement, he's been wrong for a whole hour and a half, why should this time be any different.

Velior: Burn it? My dear boy, it's a gift to the gods.

Glaucus: The Prince is right. Greece should burn. (in a demonic voice) Burn Greek Motherfuckers Burn and Die! Mwahahahahaha

Everyone looks at each other and says in unison: What the?

Archeptolemus: But look at what happened to Hector! He was a non believer and Achilles dismembered him.

Paris: Oh and that had nothing to do with Achilles, it was all Apollo. Father burn the freakin horse.

Archeptolemus: You'll be smited too!

Paris: So smite me oh mighty smiter!

Everyone ducks, expecting lightning bolt to come down from sky.

Priam: I will not watch another son die.

Priam pulls out duct tape and tapes it over Paris' mouth.

Priam: It's for your own good.