Mer her! I RETURN! And as psychotic as ever! But this time around, I decided, once again, to spin off a classic tale with my sick sense of looking at the world! Now, we get to see Snow White, as it should have been! Note that a lot of characters get made fun of, not for bashing, but for humor. I don't have anything against any of them.
The following is rated PG for mindlessness, insanity, tickle shoes, Yami-Marik (enough said), 'Alice', and PlayStation 2 video games! BEWARE OF TEA GARDNER!
ICE WHITE
Once upon a time, in a land right down the street two turns to the left of where you live, there was a humongous palace that rested at the edge of an enchanted forest, filled with duckies and ponies, and pretty flowers-
Boy, this is turning into a lame introduction.
Anyway, inside the palace, there lived a queen, named Alice.
"ALISTER!" screamed Alister, wearing a long, flowing, medieval kind of dress, with a huge, golden crown. "And I want out of this dress RIGHT NOW!"
Shut up girly man, we ran out of female characters to use as the queen, and I don't feel like putting Serenity in this fic. Anyway, there was a queen who loved to due such girly things as wear midriffs and have feminine hairdos and pink boots-
"Can we please get to the point?" asked Alister.
Anyway, Good Queen Alice also loved to knit. So one day, she was knitting a white sweater for Good King Whatshisname, and one day, she stabbed herself with the needle, and two red drops of blood fell on the knitted sweater.
"Aw jeez, that's gonna need dry cleaning," said Alister. But then, Good Queen Alice, sitting next to a window with brown panes as a humongous sleet storm swirled outside in a massive blizzard. So then, Good Queen Alice made a wish.
"Oh jeez, where did I put that thing?" said Alister, shuffling through his knitting basket to try to find out where he put the script, then suddenly remembering he hid it under the chair. "Okay, um, 'I wish I had a little girl, who's hair was as brown as chocolate, whose lips were as red as blood, who's skin was as white as ice, and who…was as clumsy as I am'? Can I go home now?"
Almost done. Anyway, Good Queen Alice…em, adopted a little girl, and named her Ice White. And then she got hit by a car!
"Oh, nice," said Alister, walking out of the story.
Anyway, Good Queen Alice's little girl soon grew up into the fair, beautiful, clumsy Ice White.
"Whoops!" said Tea, as she dropped a huge pile of books on one of the castle cats. "Sorry Mr. Tibbles! WAH! Oh jeez, were those dishes expensive-EEE!" CRASH! "I'm okay! Mr. Tibbles…isn't…"
We shall leave this scene for a second to caste a glance at our villain! You see, Good King Whatshisname remarried to a queen who was terribly beautiful, but incredibly vain, selfish, spoiled, bratty, crabby, hormonally charged-
"ENOUGH ADJECTIVES!" screamed Mai.
Anyway, this evil queen enjoyed herself by looking at a huge mirror. But this was no ordinary mirror. IT LIT UP! Oh, yeah, and it was magic.
You see, all the Evil Queen had to do was say the magic words to her mirror, and it would tell her who the most beautiful woman in the world was!
"YO MIRROR!" screamed Mai. "I'm still the hottest chick in the land, right?"
"Yeah, sure," said Pegasus's floating head.
However, one day, something completely different happened.
"So, who's the fairest and loveliest chick in the land?" asked Mai, sitting on her desk and filing her nails. "Wait, don't tell me, it's me!"
"Actually, it's not," said Peggy.
"WHAT?" screamed Mai, pulling out a spiked club. "I'm about to get seven years of bad luck!"
"Actually, I'm not kidding, there's someone fairer than you," said Pegasus.
"WHO!" yelled Mai.
"FORE!" screamed Tea's voice outside, as a huge golf club catapulted through the window, and buried itself in the stone wall of Mai's room, nearly destroying the Magic Mirror.
"No…" Mai said, with an eye twitch.
"Yep," said Peggy.
"Oh, this will SO not go down!" said Mai. "HUNTSMAN! Uh…huntsman?"
---ooo---
"ALRIGHT! LEVEL SEVENTEEN!" said Tristan Taylor, playing 'Bunny Bashers Platinum' on his PS2 in his hunting chambers, wearing a Robin Hoody kind of outfit.
"YOU IDIOT!" screamed Mai angrily, unplugging Tristan's PS2 from the television.
"HEY! I didn't save!" yelled Tristan angrily.
"Look ugly boy," said Mai, "I need a favor."
"ALL RIGHT!" screamed Tristan happily.
"Oh…kay…" said Mai. "Look, all you need to is kill of Ice White, and bring me her heart in this cardboard box. You think you can handle that?"
"Oh…yeah, sure," said Tristan.
---ooo---
"Awesome, flowers!" said Tea, accidentally tripping on a rock, falling flat on all the flowers and squishing them as she picked flowers next to the forest. "Oh nuts! I broke a heel!"
Just then, she spied a pretty butterfly, resting on the branch of a tree.
"Oh…hey little butterfly!" said Tea happily.
Just then, a massive plate shift cause a huge hole to the center of the Earth to open right under the tree, and the entire tree, including the butterfly, fell into the deep schism to the core of molten metals, and then, do to another massive plate shift, the hole closed up again.
"Oops," said Tea.
"Hey!" said Tristan, walking up to Tea in her pink princess dress. "I'm here to kill you! Could you hold still?"
"Huh?" Tea asked.
"Yah know, rip out your heart, watch as your blood spurts out of your chest, enjoy you dying screams of pain, all that good stuff," said Tristan.
"Oh! Okay!" Tea said sweetly.
"What?" Tristan said. "Well God, it's no fun when they don't care! I mean, half the pleasure is seeing living things terrorized faces as you plunge some pointy object into their chests and watch them slowly die while desperately clinging onto life!"
"Well, I can pretend to be upset and stuff," said Tea.
"No, it's not the same," said Tristan. "Oh man, the moment's gone! Whatever, just…go on and run into the woods or something, or else Mai will come and kill you herself."
"OKAY!" Tea said, running off, as Tristan went to 'Plastic Hearts R' Us' to buy a plastic heart.
So poor Ice White ran through the forest, plagued by the haunted forms of twisted trees and eerie eyes that seemed to stare out at her, every dark shadow turning into a monster, every branch into a warped hand that wanted to grab her and tear her to bits, every unidentified form turned into a horrible demon that plagued the unknowns of the human imagination. But the WORST, the HORRIBLE, the most TERRIBLE WAS-
"Hi Tea!" said a happy rabbit, sitting on a rock.
"We love you Tea!" said an adorable squirrel.
"Hug us Tea!" said a soft little deer.
-CUTE, CUDDLY FOREST ANIMALS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
"OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Ice White, desperately trying to run away from the big eyed, soft furred, cuddly animals, running over a bridge, over a hill, under another bridge, past an interstate highway, and into a clearing, where she accidentally ran into a doorway and broke it down, landing into a not-so-tiny cottage, filled with an odd assortment of items which included lethal weapons, computer books, eggs, manga, a copy of 'Mind Games for Dummies', and many random pairs of underwear strewn about.
"COOL!" Tea said, as a random window broke behind her for no reason, as she tripped, knocking over a huge rack of weapons, destroying nearly all the magazines and mangas, and landed on one H.E.A.T. ray, creating a huge hole in the side of the house, which birds took no hesitation to fly in, as well as rabid animals.
"OH WELL!" said Tea, skipping up the stairs, which promptly fell to pieces as she skipped up the stairs. She then knocked a door off its hinges, to reveal a room with seven beds. Then, the ceiling caved in, and all the beds were instantly destroyed.
Then, Tea realized that she had completely destroyed the house.
"Better clean all this up," said Tea.
---ooo---
However, the lovely and fair Ice White wouldn't have wanted to clean up, knowing exactly who was coming home! For it was a troop of miners, who spend day and night mining worthless metals and selling them on the black market disguised as teapots. And I'm sure you know all their names, right?
Tee hee. WRONG!
"I'm Manipulative, and I know how to destroy all of your souls in less than five minutes," said Yami-Bakura, who I shall thus refer to as YB.
"I'm…uh…" Joey started.
"Stupid," YB finished.
"OH YEAH!" Joey said.
"I'm Sarcastic," said Seto. "Now go away."
"I'm Homicidal," said Yami-Marik, who shall now be called YM, who was happily skipping around with a huge axe.
"I'm Brother Complex! Isn't that right Brother?" Mokuba asked Seto.
"He's Adorable, and he doesn't talk!" said Yugi cheerfully, pointing to a smiling Ryo. "And I'm Sickeningly Happy!"
Okay, so trouping back from work, Manipulative, Homicidal, Stupid, Sarcastic, Brother Complex, Adorable, and Sickeningly Happy all walked home to find that…it was sparkling clean.
"Wow, someone alphabetized my lethal weapons and cleaned them!" said YM. "Aw man…I liked the bloodstains…"
"How terrible," Seto said sarcastically.
"Good one Big Brother!" Mokuba said.
"WOOT! EGGS!" screamed Joey, shoving ten in his mouth.
"And my manga's been alphabetized too!" said Yugi happily. "Yay!"
Ryo cuddled his plushies, which were dusted off.
"Something's afoot," said YB. "I can't wait to find out who did this. Ah, just think of everything I can do to him or her…all those lovely things…"
"I wonder who could have done this and if they want to be my new friend?" Yugi asked.
"I'm sure the open upstairs door and the light snoring sound that's coming from it has absolutely nothing to do with it," said Seto.
"Yeah! What Big Brother said!" said Mokuba.
"It's killin' time!" said YM, sharpening a meat cleaver.
"WHOA BOY!" Joey said, as all the eggs fell out of his mouth and smashed on the ground.
---ooo---
Tea was happily sleeping in one of the beds which she had fixed after the little incident, and was all cuddled up in the one that was labeled 'Sarcastic'.
"Oh, wonderful," said Seto. "I come home, and what joy, someone is sleeping in my bed!"
"LET'S KILL IT!" said YM, raising up an axe.
"NO! Let's see what Big Brother wants to do!" said Mokuba.
"Perfect…" said YB, smiling evil, as Adorable looked out form behind him with huge, puzzled eyes, cuddling his cat plushie.
"I LIKE ICE CREAM!" Joey screamed at the top of his lungs, waking Tea up with a shock, causing her to scream and all the windows in the house to simultaneously break.
"STUPID YOU IDIOT!" YB screamed.
"Eggs?" Joey asked.
"OH MY GOD! HUGE SCARY HALUCINATIONS!" screamed Tea.
"Oh, don't I wish," said Seto.
"STAY BACK, I HAVE MACE!" screamed Tea, spraying some in Joey's eyes.
"YAY! I'M IN PAIN!" Joey screamed.
"We're not going to hurt you new best friend!" Yugi said happily.
"I WILL!" said YM in a sing-song voice.
"We're the Seven Lunatics of the Woods!" said Joey.
"What gave you that idea?" Seto asked.
"BIG BROTHER'S SO COOL!" Mokuba said.
"I'm…Manipulative…" said YM, sliding right next to Tea, who couldn't help but shudder.
"I'm Homicidal!" said YM, throwing an axe out the shattered window.
"MY LEG!" screamed a random pedestrian outside.
"I'm Sarcastic," Seto said in a sarcastic tone.
"I'M BROTHER COMPLEX, AND HE IS SO COOL!" said Mokuba, pointing to Seto.
"I'M STUPID!" Joey cried happily, bouncing up, and smashing his head through the ceiling.
"He's Adorable, and he can't say anything!" said Yugi. "I'm Sickeningly Happy!"
"I'm Tea, the Hot-but-Embarrassingly Clumsy!" said Tea, as an innocent chair not far from her bed suddenly fell apart.
"KILLIN' TIME!" yelled YM, raising his sword up high to chop Tea into little strips.
"WAIT! NO! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" screamed Tea, pulling out a lump of metal. "I'LL GIVE YOU THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF METAL!"
Everyone gasped in awe.
"After all the time we spent mining for worthless pieces of metal in the worthless metal mine, you can just give us one?" Yugi asked in awe.
"Yep!" said Tea. "If you treat me like royalty in this household, cater to my every whim, and be my drool monkeys for all eternity."
"DE-" Joey started.
"Now wait just a moment," said YB, using a savy, manipulative tone of voice. "After how deadly and dangerous it is in the outside world, with all those cuddly forest animals lurking around, you'd seriously trust your luck to us wanting a worthless piece of metal?"
"Well, I guess your right," said Tea.
"How about this? If you hand us that worthless piece of metal, we'll let you stay in our house, and as a bonus, you do all the chores and wash our dirty undergarments," said YB in his super-hot manipulator voice.
"SWEET! DEAL!" screamed Tea, shaking YB's hand.
"Aww…" Joey said.
Pfft, sucker thought Tea.
---ooo---
We will interrupt that pointless scene to rejoin our villainess kicking back knowing that her beauty rival was dead and she got to sit around eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream knowing that she was the hottest girl in the world. So just for the goof, and to make herself feel even better about her looks, she absentmindedly talked to her mirror, once again asking the question.
"Yo Pegsy, am I the hottest chick in the land?" asked Mai.
"Nope. Tea is," said Pegsy.
"WHAT?" screamed Mai, dropping the half pint of Cookies and Cream she was eating out of the tub with a spoon.
"Dude, you didn't figure out that the heart you got from your huntsman is a fako?" said Peggy.
"Of course it's a real…heart…" said Mai, suddenly looking at the heart in the cardboard box to see that it had a huge tag on it that said 'Made in Tawain'.
"Oh crud, I got jipped," said Mai. "Oh well, I got a sneaky idea…"
---ooo---
So the next day, Tea kicked the Seven Lunatics of the Woods out to mine for all kinds of worthless metal in the worthless metal mines of Salahadin.
"Another piece of silver? DANGIT!" screamed YM angrily, pulling out a buzz saw and destroying a bunch of cardboard cutouts of the other six to help relieve stress.
"Sweet, some nickel!" said Yugi, chucking the nickel deposit into a loot bag cheerfully, thinking of all the issues of 'Cosmogirl' he could by with them (A/N Yugi fans, please don't kill me. It's all for humor's sake).
"I GOT SOME! I GOT SOME!" said Joey, happily skipping over to Seto with a huge piece of metal.
"You idiot! That's twenty-five karat gold!" said Seto angrily. "Go back and find some zinc deposits, or I'll get nasty!"
"Yeah, stupid not-my-big-brother!" said Mokuba angrily.
But that's not really important, isn't it? Back at the house, Tea was alternating between doing the chores and destroying the house. She would wash the windows, then destroy them ten seconds later, polish tables, then set them on fire the next minute, yatta yatta. What she didn't know was that Mai was sneaking by disguised as an old peasant woman with a cloak hood covering her face and also with a bunch of choker necklaces in a huge basket.
"Pretty things! Pretty things!" she said, trying to sound like an old peddler woman and not the person who wanted to kill Tea.
"SWEET!" screamed Tea, sticking her head out the window. "Can I have a pretty thing? Please?"
"Why certainly," said Mai. "Pick your favorite choker chain, and then I'll help you put it on."
"Okay," said Tea, "I'll take the, wait no, not this one, the green, oh wait, I hate green, um, um, BLUE! It matches my eyes! Blue is good, hang on, I bet everyone's wearing blue, red's in this year, but wait, when's the last time I wore red? It'll clash, how about purple? I don't have purple stuff at all! Or do I, wait, GREEN! I love green! Wait, I just said I hated it! How about orange? Wait, that's practically red, and I just said I didn't have anything red-"
"JUST PICK A SNOTING NECKLACE!" screamed Mai.
"Alright, I'll just take yellow then," said Tea. "EW! That yellow's totally ugly! I'll take pink! Wait, no, pinks for girly girls, well, wait, how about the green? Wait, that's ugly, how about the-"
"Okay, look," said Mai. "Just take the white chocker chain-"
"BUT IT'S UGLY!" Tea screamed.
"No, let me finish," said Mai, pulling out a bunch of markers. "Take the white chocker chain, and color it with all your favorite colors."
"Okay," said Tea, picking up a red marker. "I'll color it read, and then, wait, no, that's too obvious. Let's start with purple, wait no, again with the purple issue. Maybe purple and red? EW! That's so a gross color combination, but so is blue and red. Maybe just…ugh, this is an ugly yellow. What's with all the ugly yellows lately? Where I come from, all yellows are super cool and sing happy songs every time you hug them-"
"OH FORGET IT!" screamed Mai, grabbing one and wrapping it super tight around Tea's neck, until she chocked painfully and collapsed to the floor. Triumphantly, Mai did a 'I so won' laugh and walked off back to the castle to finish off that ice cream.
---ooo---
"WE'RE HOME BEST FRIEND!" screamed Yugi as the door fell down at a pathetic attempt to get as far away from Yugi's high-pitched voice as possible, as well as Joey's awful stench.
"Something's not right here…" said YB.
"AWESOME! A BODY!" YM cried happily, pointing to a collapsed Tea on the ground with the chocker chain around her neck.
"Big Brother, this is terrible!" cried Mokuba.
"Quick! Undo the choker!" said Yugi, as Ryo quickly ran over and took it off Tea.
"Crud, she's dead…" said Seto.
"Actually, no!" said Tea happily, suddenly springing back to life. "I sold my soul to the devil at the last minute, but instead of my name, I signed Joey's name on the contract, so I'm free!"
"Oh, nice," Seto said.
"AWESOME!" said Joey.
---ooo---
"Do you really want me to answer that?" asked Pegasus, just a second after Mai asked him the deadly little question 'am I the hottest in the land?'
"YOU-ARE-KIDDING!" screamed Mai. "How the heck am I going to kill this little pain in the neck? STUPID PLOT TWISTS!"
"Dude, you could just poison her," said Pegasus.
"THAT'S IT! I CAN STRANGLE HER!" said Mai. "Wait, I tried that. I suppose I could just poison her then."
"Such a smart girl you are," said Pegasus sarcastically.
"Hey, stop taking away my signature verbal style," said Seto, walking into the scene.
"You're not in this scene!" Mai said, clocking him with the rest of her Ben and Jerry's. "Go back to your scene!"
"Fine already," said Seto, jumping two paragraphs down.
---ooo---
So Tea was once again left alone in the house as all of her compainions set out to mine even more worthless pieces of metal from the mine. Not at all phased by the fact that she nearly died only yesterday, she listened to words of encouragement from her dear friends.
"For God's sake, don't do anything stupid!" Seto called.
"Do what Big Brother says!" Mokuba said.
"I'LL KILL YOU SOMEDAY!" YM said encouragingly.
"I'll be waiting…" said YB.
"…" Adorable said.
"GOODBYE FRIEND!" Yugi called.
"AUNTY EM!" screamed Joey.
"Goodbye everyone!" said Tea. "I won't make the mistake of talking to an evil old peddler woman again!"
"Hello, I'm an evil old peddler woman with a poisoned apple. Wanna bite?" asked Mai.
"Okay!" Tea said, taking the apple in her hands.
"Tea! Don't do it!" a little Tea-angel said, appearing on her right sholder, wearing a white button down blouse and a pair of powder blue jeans with a cute pair of white clogs and a pair of wings and a golden halo thing. "You can't take the apple from her! She wants to kill you! And you promised to not do anything stupid when the others were away!"
"Don't listen to that wussy girl," said a Tea-devil, appering on her left shoulder wearing a red halter top and mini skirt, with a pair of black jodhpur boots and little devil wings with horns and a pitchfork. "Just look at that apple! It's scrump-tious! I mean woot! Take a bite out of that sucker!"
Tea looked confused on why her physical manifestations of her conscience and temptation to do evil suddenly appeared. She looked at each one, considering each side of the argument. She then gave her evil side a long, hard look-
-and flicked the angel off her shoulder.
"STUPID EVIL THING!" screamed the angel.
"Cheyah," said the devil-Tea, disappearing, as Tea took a bite out of the apple, and fell to the floor.
"FINALLY!" screamed Mai, once again going back to the castle.
---ooo---
The Seven Lunatics of the Wood were (almost) all devastated by the death of Tea. They wondered why anyone would want to hurt such a poor young girl.
"AWESOME! A DEAD PERSON!" screamed YM.
"Let's commemorate her by putting her in a coffin of glass and gold, so that she may be seen in all her beauty forever…" said Yugi.
"Nah, let's just make one of cardboard and plastic wrap that we painted gold," said Seto.
"Big Brother yes!" said Mokuba.
"Well this scrubs," said Ryo.
"Wait…you can talk?" asked YB.
"Yeah, but not as much as you people," said Ryo. "Don't you losers ever know when to shut up?"
---ooo---
Em…okay. So anyway, the coffin of cardboard and plastic wrap was erected, and Tea was laid to rest their, as all the cuddly woodland animals, and baked goods, and plush toys, and winged chibis, and yachts, and asparaguses, and orangutans, and breakfast cereal all came to morn the loss of Tea. However, none of them knew of the one fatal weakness in the poison. The dead person in question can instantly be brought back to life by one simple component; if he or she is kissed by a hot male ancient Egyptian Pharaoh.
And lucky for Tea, for in that very area, one specimen of that race was ridding on his camel in the local interstate to come to see why all the random objects of his particular neck of the woods were sobbing like little sissy babies. After finally making it to the forest, which took a bit of a while, because his camel kept getting pulled over for speeding and spitting, he was in awe as the silent funeral mourners surrounded the diseased beauty.
"Whoa, who's the hot dead chick?" asked Yami, who was sitting on a huge camel and looking at the form of Tea sitting in the coffin of cardboard and plastic wrap, as all the people circled around it with somber looks on their faces gave him an odd look. "Hey, can I kiss your dead corpse thing for the heck of it?"
"Yeah, whatever," they all said, as Yami walked over and tore off the plastic wrap, planting a kiss on Tea's lips. (A/N insert 'aws' and 'ews' here)
However, this turned out to be just what the doctor ordered, because due to another nasty side effect of the poison, Tea not only revives by a kiss from a hot Egyptian Pharaoh, but she also becomes ten zillion times more fair than she was to start with. So know, Tea looked like some kind of model from Victoria's Secrets.
Needless to say, things hit off pretty well between the two from that moment on.
---ooo---
Meanwhile, the Evil Queen had just received an invitation to the wedding of Yami and Ice White, and she was pretty happy, because having her head in the clouds for quite some time know due to the fact that she knew that she was know the hottest chick in the land, she forgot Ice White's name, and she promptly skipped over to the magic mirror to ask the question.
"I'm going wedding crashing today, so just tell me that I am the hottest chick in all the land," she said, striking a pose in front of the mirror.
"Actually, no, it's Ice White…" said the Magic Mirror.
"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?" screamed Mai at the absolute top of her lungs, shattering all the windows behind her.
"Dude, just read the previous section!" said Pegsy, pointing up. And Mai looked up and read it…and freaked out.
"CRUD! They really should put that stuff in bold print!" she yelled. "OH GOD! I'M INVITED TO ICE WHITE'S WEDDING! DANGIT! NOW WHAT?"
"Just go," said Peggy. "Maybe you can spike Tea's drink and finally kill her off."
"Or I could just take the rail gun," said Mai, pulling one out.
"Yeah, that too I guess…" said Pegasus.
---ooo---
Truly it was a fantastic party that Ice White had, and the Evil Queen actually found herself enjoying it. She hit off a couple good guys, dumped twelve not-so-good guys out the window, and overall had a really good time.
Except the store bought cake. That was disgusting. And the Best Man wasn't worth hitting off either.
Anyway, things were starting to wind down with some nice slow dances, and just as Mai was about to make her move on Ice White and Yami's first dance…
"Excuse me Madame," said a butler, holding out a pair of vibrating shoes. "You have been ordered by Ice White to dance in these 'Tickle Shoes' on pain of death for refusing."
"Huh?" said Mai, but it was too late, because the shoes honed in on Mai, and literally jumped on her feet and buckled themselves over. Then, Mai found herself screaming with laughter as the tickle shoes worked their deadly vibes. She was screaming and rolling all over the floor, crashing into other guests and tables, rolling over broken glass, as well as past the peanut gallery-
"Oi loike peanuts, don't you Raffy?" asked Valon, stuffing his face with peanuts as Raphael's rent-a-tux was about to rip in a thousand pieces under his bulging muscles.
-until at last, she completely…oh my God, I hate this pun…died laughing.
So basically, Ice White and Yami lived happily ever after. And what of everyone else you ask? Who cares? This one-shot is too long anyway.
THE END!