This came about after I asked Daydreamer731 for some ideas for a Matrix fic. That bit of the conversation went as follows:
Daydreamer: wow, and i definitely just typed "ego boots"
Daydreamer: hey, make that into a matrix fic
ZeldaDragon: haha, how?
Daydreamer: i don't know...explain the concept of Ego Boots somehow
Daydreamer: maybe it's like a prank someone plays or something
ZeldaDragon: hahaha
ZeldaDragon: maybe
Daydreamer: i dare you
ZeldaDragon: okay, I'll do it
I was in the mood for something funny, so I took the idea and ran. Needless to say, this story is most definitely not meant to be taken seriously.
Half of it belongs to Daydreamer, since she's the one that thought it up…accidentally, actually. But those are always the best ideas, aren't they? It seems I've gotten quite a bit of inspiration from her and her incredibly amusing sense of humor lately. She gave me the first sentence (although I changed it around just a little bit) and suggested the group of characters.
Enjoy our little bit of insanity!
xxx
It was in one of the grungiest bars in Zion, the kind of place that even the captains avoided, that the concept of Ego Boots was born. They were all there, Neo and Trinity and Ghost and Kid and Link and Sparks. Sparks would never miss out on something like that…
"So, um, why are we here?" Kid asked nervously, looking around the near-empty bar from their position in a booth against the far wall.
"Calm down, Kid," Sparks said, chuckling. "You're perfectly safe. Besides, you wanted to hang out with the guys, right?"
Kid glanced at Trinity, immediately embarrassed for doing so at the glare she gave him.
"Oh yeah, she counts as 'one of the guys,'" the operator added after the fact. "We've yet to get her drunk, though."
Trinity reached across the table and smacked the side of his head. "Unlike the rest of you, I know how to control myself," she growled. "Ghost and I always end up dragging you all back to your rooms every time we go out."
Kid's eyes widened. "Maybe…maybe I should just go ahead and leave."
"Stay." Ghost put his hand on the young man's shoulder. "You'll probably turn out to be one of the safe drinkers."
Sparks pouted. "I'm a safe drinker!"
"Yeah, right," Link snorted. "You're always bragging about how you sneak alcohol onboard the Logos."
"Shh!" the other operator hissed. "Don't say that in front of them!" He gestured madly toward the two lieutenants.
The barmaid brought out their first round, which Sparks and Kid downed much too quickly. On through the second and third -- where Trinity stopped -- then the fourth – Ghost finished then, with Neo – then the fifth and sixth. All in all, Sparks and Link were quite drunk, with Kid nearly passed out at the table.
Neo, who had a low tolerance for alcohol, was resting his suddenly heavy head against Trinity's shoulder when he mumbled, "I don't think the kid's much of a safe drinker after all…"
Sparks snickered and pushed his empty mug to the center of the table to join his other six. "He'll learn!"
"Poor guy," Link drawled, stealing a quick look at Kid. "His ego is prob'ly gonna drop a few notches tomorrow wi' that hango'er."
"Every guy needs his ego knocked down a few notches," Trinity said as she splashed around the remaining liquid in her cup.
"'Cept him," Sparks pointed at Neo. "His ego needs to get bigger!"
He and Link bubbled over with drunken laugher at the innuendo in that statement. Ghost kicked Sparks under the table in an effort to remind him to behave, but the other man blatantly ignored it when the barmaid brought him another drink.
"You know what? His ego has nowhere to drop to," Sparks gestured toward Kid with his new mug. "We should give 'im a boost."
"And just how do you propose we do that?" Ghost asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Eh?"
Trinity rolled her eyes. "He asked how, you moron. As though we really want an answer…"
The operator took a deep swig before even attempting to respond. After a long moment he said, "What makes you think I don't got a good idea?"
She didn't grace him with a response, instead fixing her eyes on Neo to make sure he was still awake. Link spoke up for her. "You never get good ideas, Sparks. That's why we wanna hear wha'cha got to say…to amuse us."
"Okay, well here's what I was thinkin'," he plowed on, ignoring the barb from Link. "We'd need his help-" he pointed at Neo again, "-but maybe we could make something."
"Make something," Ghost repeated, unimpressed. "What kind of something?"
"A hat!" Neo spoke up, unable to keep the alcohol-induced grin off his face.
Link laughed, spurting some of his drink from the corner of his mouth. He swallowed quickly. "Or pants…those would be useful."
"No, no," Sparks shook his head. "They should be shoes. Ladies' shoes, like in Cinderella."
"Oh, God," Trinity muttered, squeezing the bridge of her nose. "And by the way, I resent that remark about ladies' shoes."
"Sorry, Trinny-poo," he cooed. The table fell silent, hyper-aware of the danger that could very easily arise.
"Never call me that again." She gave him a glare that read 'I'll break this mug against your head if you push me too far.'
Sparks just snorted, too far gone to keep himself in check. "Boots, then," he said, completely oblivious to what he had almost provoked. "We could put a spell on them."
Link chuckled, grabbing someone's cup and finishing it off. "Are we talking about here, or in the Construct?"
"Here, silly," the other man said loudly. "How are we gonna get Kid into the Construct in his state?"
"Forgive me for pointing out the obvious," Ghost put in, "but it is quite impossible to 'put a spell' on something."
"Why do you always have to ruin my fun?" Sparks slouched his shoulders. "Fine then. We'll just pretend. Lemme have your boots, Neo."
"Why?" Trinity snapped, furrowing her eyebrows. "What are you going to do to them?"
"What, are you his mother or something?" the operator asked, trying – and failing – to sound annoyed. "I'm just gonna have some fun with Kid and the One's boots."
"I don't think Kid can handle any humiliation," Neo spoke up, surprising everyone with his near-lucidity.
"I'm not gonna humiliate him," Sparks slurred. "I just wanna see how gullible he is when he's drunk."
Everyone glanced at the sleeping newbie, all wondering something different. "I don't know," Link said at long last. "You can be pretty mean when it comes to practical jokes, you know."
"Poor Kid," Trinity said under her breath. Ghost nodded.
"Hey now," Sparks pointed to the two of them. "If you guys are gonna pull rank and turn us in, you gotta go."
"We're staying," Ghost said firmly. "Someone needs to keep an eye on you, anyway. Might as well be us."
He just shrugged. "Okay Neo, gimme your boots."
Neo complied this time, taking his time in unfastening the buckles before sliding the boots off his feet. He handed them over to Sparks, who slammed them heavily on the tabletop. Kid jerked, sitting up and looking around wildly.
"Wha's goin' on?" he asked, unable to get his voice to work right.
"We've found the solution to all your problems, buddy." Sparks slid the pair of boots toward him. "See these? They're magical."
Kid's unfocused eyes slid from face to face, not sure what was happening.
"That's enough; cut it out, Sparks." Trinity's request went unheeded.
"They're called Ego Boots. If you put 'em on, your self-esteem shoots up. You know, your ego will get bigger."
"Ego boots…" Kid burbled, his head tilting a bit.
"Come on and stand up so we can help you get 'em on," Sparks said, sliding out of the booth to allow the youngster to follow. "Help him stay balanced, Link," he added as an afterthought. The black man paused, tugging at one of his braids as he debated whether or not to join in the prank.
"Do it, Link," Trinity muttered dejectedly, gesturing with her hand for him to do as Sparks asked.
He obeyed, scooting out of his seat near the cavern wall. Once he was on his feet, he threw an arm around Kid's shoulders to keep him up.
Sparks kneeled before the two of them and pulled Neo's boots, now the magical Ego Boots, from the table. He poked at one of Kid's feet, which the young man shoved out so the boot there could be unbuckled. Sparks slid the boot off the foot and replaced it with the much larger one, repeating the actions with the other foot.
"There!" he announced as he stood. "Your ego should be getting bigger any second now!"
Trinity bit back a frustrated moan; Ghost just shook his head. He leaned toward her and whispered, "Let's hope Kid's hangover includes memory loss…" She nodded in agreement.
"Are they working yet?" Sparks asked, not paying his superiors any attention.
Kid looked at him, seriously pondering the answer. "I don't know…'ow can you tell?"
"We'll show you," Sparks said, fastening his arm though Kid's. "You're gonna have to say the magical chant first, though. It goes…" He looked at Link for help.
"You're on your own," Link mouthed, not wanting any more to do with this than support the very drunk teenager.
"Yeah, it goes…umm…" He pursed his lips, thinking as quickly as his slowed mind could. "Magical Ego Boots, help my ego get, er, bigger. Yeah. You have to repeat it eight times. Then jump around in a circle."
Ghost snorted. "Are you serious?"
Sparks sent him a look. "Of course I'm serious! You have to say 'Magical Ego Boots, help my ego get smaller' – no, 'bigger'! Magical Ego Boots, help my ego get bigger! Say it with me, Kid."
The two repeated the chant and jumped around in circles. The others just looked at each other, trying very hard not to laugh. Neo, his head still on her shoulder, whispered something in Trinity's ear. She nodded.
"Neo and I are just gonna leave you all to it, then. The Neb leaves at 6am sharp, Link." The two of them slid from their side of the booth and left the bar. Ghost followed them, giving his goodnights to the remaining three. About halfway back to their respective rooms, Neo stopped and looked back, obviously torn.
"They still have my boots."
"They're not yours anymore, Neo." Trinity reminded him jokingly, "They're now the Magical Ego Boots."
Neo bit his lip, suddenly confused and still very drunk. Before he could ask what she was talking about, Ghost said, "I'll get you a new pair and leave them by your door before you leave in the morning."
As Neo stumbled into Trinity's room, she shot her brother a grin. "Make sure Kid never finds out whose boots he has on when he wakes up."
"Done."