I've always been scared of being alone. Being alone means that I have no one to turn to but myself; myself being someone that I don't even know anymore.
I never thought that things would get so complicated, but looking at everything around me right now, I don't even remember what simple means.
Jake is gone. As much as I would love to think that he will find Jenny and come home to be with me again, in the back of my mind I know that when we said good-bye it really was good-bye. I can't help thinking that it is my fault that he is in the situation he is in. If I had never tried to trick Nikki into thinking Jake went to Seattle, Jake wouldn't have missed that first custody hearing, and he would have won custody for Jenny. If he had won, he wouldn't have had to send Jenny away and take the fall for keeping her away from Nikki. He would have never gone to jail, and Jenny would have never been put in harms way.
Thinking about Jake makes me think about something that Alfred, Lord Tennyson once wrote, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." When I really think about it, it only leaves me confused. I'm not sure I agreecompletely with what Tennyson wrote, and it breaking it down didn't help. If I choose never having loved at all as more of a tragedy, I would have nothing to base it on. I mean, if I have never loved, how would I know that it is more tragic than losing love? Never having love, something that is so amazing, would be a tragedy in itself. At the same time, feeling love and then having it torn away from you is almost unbearable. Knowing something so wonderful and beautiful, just to find yourself alone in the end seems so much more painful to me than never having felt love.
Either way, it doesn't matter now. All that matters is that Jake is gone, and my heart is left torn apart.
The one constant in my life is gone also. There was never a point when I had to worry about her not being there, because no matter what, she always was. Now Brooke is so far away, and I'm left here to pick up the pieces of my life alone.
There's that word again: alone.
Brooke has been my best friend for so many years, and my only true friend through most of that time. It's scary to think of her not being here with me, and not knowing when, or if, she'll be back. When we had to say good-bye, I just couldn't do it. With Jake saying good-bye brought a sense of closure, which I needed, but with Brooke, it was different. I don't want closure with her. Seeing Brooke leave felt like a part of my life was being ripped away, and saying good-bye would have made her being gone official. That last hug that we shared in Lucas' room was the best way we could have parted. I know that if I never see Brooke again, there was no better way to let her go. I know that the bond we share goes deeper than anything I have ever had with anyone else, and I know no matter what, Brooke will always have a major piece of my heart.
Nathan and Haley are a ruined fairytale because of me. Their love was a love so rare, something so pure and beautiful, a love that should have lasted forever and longer. Because of me, Chris Keller was able to come in-between them. I can't help but think that if I had gone into any record store but Chris' that everything would be ok. Instead, Haley is in New York chasing her dreams, and Nathan is left to clean up the aftermath of what Haley left. I wish that I could go back and change it, making sure that Chris stayed away, but I can't. Nathan is finally starting to rise from the ashes, and I wish that I could be that strong also.
Lucas is the only one left in Tree Hill this summer besides me. I used to have such an emotional connection with him, but now I can't even look at him without a part of me wanting to scream. I'm not sure that there is a way for me to avoid him this summer, because he's left alone here too. I know that in some ways he feels exactly like I do, and I wish that knowing I'm not completely alone would make me feel different than I do, but for some reason it doesn't make me feel any better. Lucas and I have just started talking again after the whole mess between him, Brooke, and me, and although he is trying to be there for me, I can't seem to let down the wall I have built up towards him.
I sigh as I think how burdened my heart has become. I know that I shouldn't be thinking like this, that I should be stronger, but I can't. I'm not sure how much more I can take without breaking completely.
I've always said that people who take their own lives are cowards, but now I realize why they do it. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be ok again, and thinking about where life goes from here scares me more than I want to admit.
Making my decision, I reach over onto my nightstand and pick up my notepad and my drawing pad; there are two things that I have to do before I go any further in my plans.
A couple hours later, as I complete what I set out to do, I make sure that everything is left in the open where it can be easily found. A drop of water falls onto the paper, and I reach up to find that tears are pouring down my cheeks.
Taking a deep breath, I get off my bed to put a CD in the player. I find the song that has been running through my head all day, and I sit back on my bed as the song plays out.
As the song nears its end, I take another deep breath and reach onto my nightstand one last time, picking up the thing that will take away all the pain.
"I'm sorry." I whisper into my empty room, my empty life, as I close my eyes and press the blade into my skin.
I open my eyes to see the red stain that is beginning to cover my bed, and I am amazed that I feel nothing; I think that I am too numb to care.
My body is starting to get weak. For the first time, I do feel; I can feel the life drain out of me. For the first time in a long time, I feel a peace wash over me.
As my eyes start to get heavy, I wish that things could have been different. I wish that I had been stronger; strong enough to get out of this pit of depression.
I hope that people forgive me for the choice I made. I hope they know that it's no ones fault that I chose this way out.
When my breathing starts becoming shallow, I look up to my sketches for the last time ever. One catches my attention: 'People Always Leave'. Never again will someone leave me, because this time, I'll be the one gone. I won't ever have to think about Mom being gone, or Jake, or Brooke; I know that I will eventually see them on the other side.
Taking one last breath, my mind clears, my body goes numb, and I'm finally at rest.
I am aware now of how
Everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell
I am prepared now
Seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
Seems everything's gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself
I am prepared now for myself
I am prepared now, and I am fine again
Song in italics is "Fine Again" by Seether