Cradlerobber Speedo-kun: Spelling errors? Oh, I'm so sorry if that annoyed you –Geekily blushes- I know that must be a pain because I get seriously heated when someone else does it on their stories. Still enjoying this? Perfect! Then my plan is coming along… -smiles and goes MEWHAHAHHAHAHAHA-

Enigmus: Thanks for reviewing, you like surprises? Well, do you like twists too? I hope so.

SkittlesStar25: Thank you for feeling sorry for me, I thrive on pity, but it's up and running again. Sorry for yesterday with the chat. My computer just like froze as usual…

Sango-Kadie: You…you…liked…my—my story? This is like an honor coming from you, your fics rock my pink red Chinese slippers –shimmies slippers- Wow, I'M LIKE in awe right now…oh…thank you…

mellowyellow36: You consider it glam? That's awesome, I love the word glam but…things aren't as they seem.

anjel919: Yay! Thank you ever so much and yes, I do also worry about myself, but I think that if I try to fix whatever's going wrong with me 'up there' –points at head and messy hair- I'll loose my writing sparky weird depressive ways, ya know?

Thank you for the reviews, I hope you enjoy this chapter as well…

Because one of the biggest twists of all time is here…

Chapter 3: Destroy

" I guess I just like destorying myself"

I believe that sometimes, when that voice slithers back inside my head, the best thing that I can do is bite my lip and shut my eyes real tight.

Sometimes I'm just not strong enough…

There it is again. Properly enough, they haven't stated my condition yet, but as soon as they do, I'm running away. I really want a cigarette right now. My vision is a bit better but…God…things are so hard right now. I'm fucking sweating really bad, it's like an inferno trapped in my body and my eyes are watery and itchy as hell. Damn drugs, they never do me any justice. My stomach hurts a little bit too, I'm pretty sure I might throw up, but I hold it back, and swallow the little that does come up.

Maybe a glass of water would help me.

I reach a bloody hand over towards the night stand…wait, when did I do that? I don't remember, you know, with the black outs and all, it probably happened last night. I tip the glass over and it hits the floor with a crash, making my nurse dash into the room, inspecting me and shaking her head. She picks up the glass and shakes her head, " El, if you want to get better you have to stop thinking about him, get over it all ready" She walked out the room only to return with a fresh glass of water and an ace bandage, wrapping my arms up. Yeah, I guess I had a hay day with my "One slice for me, one slice for you" rule.

I guess I like destroying myself.

I did it all for him, if anyone asks though. Maybe I need some eye drops; they are killing me like hell. As I shut my eyes, bitterly and cough a little bit I remember why I am talking to you in the first place. I'm not really talking, more so writing, since you are my diary. But I'm not really writing. You see, it's all up here. In my mind. I'll jot it down some day, maybe it'll get published and I'll become famous.

Maybe then he'll notice me. It's April now, I think…April 2. I always liked the number 2, 2 people in a relationship, 2 parents, 2 hearts together as one, 2 legs, 2 eyes, 2 arms. Constants. I call them constants.

Because they will always be there no matter what. And I need that in my life to live, you know, since they hate me. And when I say "They" I mean the voices

No…no…no…

Oh, fuck. They're back again. How many needles and concussions do I have to get to make this annoying voice go away? Maybe I should've just stuck to drinking. I would love to go back to thinking about Marco, but as of now, every time I think or say his name, I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack and loose my breath. And while I normally like that feeling, the other voice inside my head, the one I like, is telling me to think about myself.

About myself…

Well…I remember, before I moved to Degrassi what a hell my life was.

I remember how breathing wasn't an option without getting a beating with scars to show that last for weeks on in. You see, there was one thing in my life before Marco…surprisingly, that kept me sane. That being an Eleanor Nash.

Ellie was the most beautiful girl that I had ever seen, she was smart, she was pretty and she was funny. But better yet she understood the yearning that I had for her boyfriend, even if it was ten-fold whatever she was feeling. We met on a sunny after noon in the park over in my old neighborhood of Muldrow Lane.

My heart was racing as I pedaled down the road towards the store on the corner; I lived in a rather rural neighborhood. Something caught in my wheels as I toppled over the handlebars and landed into the dirt with a dull thud. Looking up I noticed that there was a stick inside the spokes of my wheels. Sighing, I bent over and pulled the stick out as I spotted a blur or red and pink hair cover over me.

A girl with pigtails and a smile that could light up the darkest of hearts flashed me with her mirror and bent besides me. "Aren't wheels a bitch to clean?" She asked suddenly, the sweet child like demeanor gone and replaced with the body of what seemed to be a 16 year old.

"Umm…yeah" I said, looking at my bike shyly. One of the boys at school must've stuck it in there as a joke. God, I just hated my life.

She flipped a pony tail from her shoulders and smirked," New kid here huh?" She asked.

"No." I sighed out," Been here for a good 2 years…"

"My name's Ellie" She stated happily. She cocked her head to the side, "You want to know a secret?"

I stood there, puzzled at the fact that this bubbly girl, woman, whatever she was, was talking to me. To say the least, woman didn't find themselves attracted to me. I feel slightly bad about that. But mainly something bothered me about her, she was too damn happy. And even back then I was as bitter as an elderly widow so I had to be suspicious and tread consciously. Then again, I never had a friend before, so I didn't know what to do. She reached over and brushed a strand of honey blonde hair from my shoulders and smiled warmly, "Pain is nothing without resistance"

I stared at her, getting the meaning and scooting back a little bit. How did she know about my…better yet…I was speechless. I was confused, no one, I mean no one, had ever pulled my frail mask away so easily. I opened my mouth to meekly reply when she stopped me, shaking her hair in my face and pulled my bicycle up to a standing position. She was wearing blue jeans with a matching jacket and a shirt under it with a rose on it. Her eyes were black, not from make up, but from tiredness and now that I looked at her true light she looked so worn down. I hid my crystal blue eyes to the floor as she took my hand and brought it up to her face, very shyly I blinked.

"What's your name?" She asked softly, petting my hair. It was almost as if it was a dream, why was she doing this. What turned from me running away from my house from a day in trying to avoid getting a beating I meet this woman…girl…who's showing an actual care for me? It made my head spin. I began to open my mouth to answer my name but then I stopped, probably one of the boys from the school put her up to this. So instead I just shook my head and murmured something under my breath along the lines of "I have to go". And I was about to go when she pulled me by my hands and stopped me," You know…boy…you shouldn't be so easy on the eyes. I mean, if your doing this to yourself at least cover it up properly. The town doesn't want to know of what we do to ourselves"

"What are you talking about?" I asked as I got onto my bike only to be pulled off by her. She pulled up her sleeves and showed it to me," Please, amateur, we all know the first phases of when you need help…"

Did her dad beat her too? That's the only question that was going through my mind, what else could she be talking about. "Look, I know…you don't know me, fuck, I don't really care, but when I see boys like you…doing this. I know you need help" She continued.

"I'm fine…really" I said, trying to get on again but she pulled me off.

"Really?" She repeated as she pushed up my pants leg to see a cut a few inches long and deep. I gasp when the fabric moved; I think she had just re-opened it.

"How…?"

"You were limping slightly" She said simply. She looked at me in the eyes again," Can we go for a walk then? If you don't trust me I'll leave you alone…" She trailed off; there was something in her eyes that just made me…

God.

Life was so hard and confusing back then. I think I probably fell in love with her right there. Not that way, in a weird way. But I was just confusing myself at the time, simply being lonely and dull, I would believe just about anything that anyone said. I just needed to be with somebody, I was dying to talk.

Scream was more like it.

That voice just shattered the vision of the day that I had completely.

But to be honest, I did want to scream.

And kick.

And yell.

But all I did was cry and become reserved.

Maybe I should go to sleep again. That person from before is still there, I don't know who it is, but one of the side effects from the drugs was the whole burning eyes and feverish forehead, so I think it's just a nurse keeping tabs on me, that or someone else, I can't really tell…

I can't really tell about anything anymore.