Chapter 7: Waterfall

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It's a waterfall of tears and blood mixed with hate and angst as I stand in the shower and close my eyes, finally believing that whatever deity up there was giving me a break. That was until I heard the door open slightly and then close again.

Maybe it is the wind.

I had been in the shower for what seemed like hours now, a razor blade balanced in between my fingers, slicing away murmering "Once for you and twice for me…I'm so cold and broken…so lonely" It had become a song, a horrible high pitched mourning song." Once for Marco, twice for Craig, Three times for Davey, take me away. A slice right here, a slice right there, another slice, oh how queer, once for me and twice for you another life a saddened blue…" I made it up as I went along. If I knew a person's name you now had a special mark reserved on my body.

There was this song... a song, I can't remember it…but it's there…something familiar…and soft tune…

I moved the soap up and down my body slowly, savoring each press and turn as I moved around, spraying the water onto my face and coughing into my balled up fist. I think I was catching a cold, but what the fuck, the faster I was dead the better.

"I wanted you to know that today will be the last day that I'll be here" I whispered, holding David's limp body in my hands and arms. He was knocked out cold, deathly pale and icy to the touch. He whimpered into my chest, curling his fingers around the fabric of my shirt and closed his eyes again. I looked back at the hospital bed," I'm leaving and I'm not coming the fuck back. I love this boy…" I stopped. David breathed in again and exhaled slowly, painfully. He finally looked up at me from the bed and I wanted to just turn and run away right there.

His skin was wrinkeled and old, his eyes pale and glassy and his body wired and hooked up to what seemed to be a thousand tubes. There was a respirator next to him, constantly punching life into his fucking body, each breath he took as almost as bad as the beatings I'd suffer through the days and nights with. He wheezed again thoughtfully and rolled over to face me fully. I'm glad I got your attention, dad.

"I know that…that your fu- fucked up. I know because I – I know that I am too, we're all a li- little fucked up when you think about it. Mom, she was fucked up…you…you're fucked up…" I stopped, looking down and swallowed." I used to hate you dad, for all the pain and agony and bitterness. You forced me to swallow the truth, the truth is that not everything is perfect, and I respect that…". Tears welled up in my eyes," You know, I always thought it was funny that when you'd beat me you'd always play that same rock song over and over again," I'm sorry, Sophia…" That old sad tune. And never would I think, imagine, or even dream that I'd be here…telling you all of this, on the brink of your demise…you know, I love you dad. But I have to go…I really do, there's nothing that can stop me" I bit my lips as he opened his mouth to speak.

"Don't tell Joanie…"

I looked at him, wide eyes. 3 Years and he still couldn't say anything besides that phrase." Don't tell Joanie Elliot, please…". I walked up and kissed him on the temple, dragging David with me like a sack of potatoes and kissed him on his temple again." I won't dad, I won't". I turned around, holding David's hand and walked out the door.

We had to get the fuck out of there.

I took off the hot water and changed the spray to a deafening icy blast. The thought of David and my father in the same memory gave me a sweat that would only happen after being trapped in an amazingly hot fire or a around of amazingly ruff sex.

"Elliot, get in the car" My dad snapped at me," Get in the fucking car now"

"No. Dad…look" He slapped me across my face, making me fall backwards towards the floor. David looked on, half alive in the corner, trying to stay conscious as he yelled out " STOP! GOD PLEASE STOP RIGHT FUCKING NOW" He breathed in deeply. Tossing his razor blade to the floor and walked over towards me, grabbing my hand and placing his hand under my chin, bringing my lips up to his and kissing me within every inch of my soul with my dad staing us down with daggers." Elliot" He breathed out darkly," Get…in the fucking…car" He looked at me like I was some type of abomination and yanked my wrist and pulled me away from David's grasp." Your mother's in the fucking hospital, this isn't a joy ride."

"What?" I asked, clueless.

"Elliot…don't leave me" David breathed.

"What happened, what happened to her?" I demanded, my mouth was dry as hell.

" Car accident, she got hit by a fucking car" He ran a hand through his hair, this was the first time he ever showed real stress." Please, now please, get in the goddamn car"

"Elliot…" David murmured again.

I looked at David and then at my dad." I have to go Dave, I'll be back, I promise-" I looked my dad in the eye," I promise. Go into the room and close the door, don't open it for anyone. Not for James or anyone, incept Ellie." I snatched up his razor from the floor, looked him dead in the eyes and slit my arm right in front of him, making him wince and move back slightly," And if you hurt yourself…I'll do this to myself…" I then pulled him by the collar of his shirt, tipped him back, kissed the life out of him and turned around with a stone cold glare at my father and marched out the door.

"Elliot, time's up. Get out the shower and come back to your room" Ollie said, knocking on the door and saying it gently. I almost could've seen myself punching the glass doors of the shower out, ripping a small glass shard, slicing it across my skin until red filled the fucking room and curling up into a ball and crying until death pulled me under its dark realm.

I simply got out the shower, wrapped a towel around my waist and went back into my room.

Waterfalls….

Tiny waterfalls…

Cascading down upon my skin and rippeling with mixed tears and sin…

Wash away

Wash away…

All my sins…. Until I can't breathe and when I can't breath

Let me be able to see you as my last revision to my life

I'll take the last breath out of you darling,

You suck me dry…

Of life…

Of love…

Of my soul….

A Poem By David to me after I moved to Degrassi. This was one of our worse days.

" Now I remember a long time ago that there was this certain accident, down on the high way…ummm, intersection 290 or something like that. I dunno, it was in the news yesterday" Marco said as he sat down at the counter of his and Dylan's apartment." It's huge actually…it's Elliot's mom. I think, same last name, so I would suppose so".

Dylan put down the spoon that was full of cearal and chewed the last remains slowly." Wow, are we going to the funeral?".

Marco shook his head," I don't know him that well. We'll send him roses or something. Besides, isn't tomorrow a special day?"

"Lover, what do you mean?" Dylan teased.

"Hmmm. I would happen to remember that 1 year, 6 months and 13 days last year I lost my virginity to some dashing prince tomorrow, I think we should celebrate" Marco smiled slyly.

Dylan winked," I said it'd be a night you'd never forget"

Marco just groweled seductively and pounced on Dylan with such force that it knocked both boys to the floor, laughter and giggles filling the apartment.

Ollie staired at me, softly, his eyes searching me up and down before he pulled a pen from behind his ears and placed it to the clip board that was the color green today. He finally stopped long enough for me to feel relaxed again, I had been mentally balled up in a corner with the towel around my waist for the past 10 minutes and I really, really wanted to do is just sleep. There were so many…puzzle pieces, I guess you could say, that were missing from my life. I needed a hit of clarity to sort things out.

Did I really kill David, how did he really die?

What did I do to Marco exactly?

What is Ellie hiding from me…?

There were more questions, but my mind wouldn't allow the rest of them to float through my mind. All I wanted to do was get out of here, these white dingy walls and shitty hospital beds can only consume some source of entertainment for only a limited amount of time, which, in my case, was wavering at the moment. Suddenly, Ollie's voice broke into my head, and is it sad, that somewhere inside of me, where that cold little innocent boy that I used to be, which I keep trapped behind a shelf of painful memories and other details shook just a little bit with fright because I was that unstable? My voice was cool and damp as I replied," Huh?"

"I said, Elliot, we're going with a new approach. Apparently, these meds that we've been giving you aren't working, as you can probably tell, and we're going to skip all of that, take you out this room, and put you with the rest of the paitents-"

"Then wrap me up in a nifty little jacket and muzzle and poke me with a stick? Or preferably a metal rod, cause you know, in my life time, I've been poked with both" I finished for him simply, running a hand through my own matted and wet hair. Sadly enough, even after a shower, I still smelled like moldy ass and depression.

"Cute" Ollie smiled smugly, and I just wanted to smack him out of the chair, jump on top of him and beat him into a bloody pulp until he ceased to breathe.

Why?

Because I'm starting to realize that I'm extremely violent like that.

"I would like to say that you're doing well, but then, I guess that would be bullshit" He smiled again.

Just one small smack…

"You look horrible Elliot. More than horrible, dead pale and colorless. Your eyes, ugh, your eyes are like the deadest pool of…grey, is that grey? Can you even classify that as a color and look at your body, Elliot. You're skinnier than a 5 month old baby.-"

My dad used to be a dancer, you know, before he met my mom. He was a wonderful dancer. A regular Fred Astair, and he wanted to be the world's best at that. A huge traveler too, went everywhere, Paris, Italy, New York, California… all over the place.

"- I don't know what to do with you Elliot, do you need some type of love? Is that it? Are you even listening to me, Elliot?"

Yeah, I hear you, I'm just not answering.

Ollie continued on, his voice becoming an infectious itch that wouldn't go away and was drilling holes into my brain. I try to float back to thoughts of my wonderful dad, during the happier days of my life but he won't shut the hell up. Damnit Ollie, shut the fuck up and let me think.

You see, as you may or may not have noticed, I am incredibly insecure. I have all these faults and aches and pains and problems and they just won't go away. I wanted so badly to spill my heart out to the next person that came by, not Ollie, because he's a fucking pretty boy Hollywood asshole, and scream it out from the rooftops. Then they'd hug me and tell me that everything's alright and that things will get better.

Well I learned that from an Oprah Magazine in an article about some woman who had cancer, she said all of that bullshit and someone actually did tell her that everything was okay and she's still alive today, all the cancer gone from her body. But there was nobody here to hug me and tell me everything was okay, incept for Ellie, who doesn't count, because she loves me.

And if you love someone, you'll lie right in their face.

David bit his lips, looking in the mirror, pulling at his hair and biting his lip some more." Hurry Elliot" He called out, biting his lip again and again, making his pale skin turn red and irritated. " I don't want to stand here alone…"

It was a Friday, morning to be presise and me, Ellie and David decided to go for a little walk around the park. Okay, not so much as walk than slow mournful strides while following the casket, dark black as she had requested when I was five, that was to be dumped there. But I preferred walk instead, because it just sounded so much fucking better.

Ellie met us at the bottom of the steps, wearing a black skirt and a black blouse, button down and her hair swooped up in a bun. You're a darling star, Ms. Ellie Nash, you truly are. She greeted me with a kiss and then proceed to go over towards David, who was flinching and muttering and frowning and passing between realms of counsciousness. She fixed his tie as he calmed down a little bit, not a lot, before biting his lip again.

Well, shit if it bothered me. I finally got him off the razor blade, but seeing him biting his lip repeaditly wanted to make me smack him also. Not out of anger, but out of love, I didn't want to watch him rip himself up. That's just sad.

Daddy was in the hospital, I checked him in after a rousing night of cursing, beer and a wonderfully long game of "Guess-What-The-Fuck-I'll-Beat-You-With-Today". I guessed that it was a chord and instead I got hit in the head with a telephone book.

I didn't like that game very much.

But anyway, somewhere, during all that mayhem, he insisted that I check him into a mental hospital. I didn't ask questions, I didn't want another round of the "Game" that he had picked up every night now and made the proper calls and shit to get him out of here.

"You know," Ellie said breaking my thoughts," We don't have to go if we don't want to"

"I know" I said calmly, coolly." But I want to, besides, what kind of funeral would it be if I didn't give a speech, the only dearest son?"

David looked at me weakily. I tried to picture him smiling and laughing like he used to, but all I see now was a lump of what my boyfriend used to be. A pale, pasty white, vampirestic verson. And God help me, I still loved him all the same, maybe even more.

We began to walk to the park, it was only 20 blocks away and got there within the hour. There were a lot of people actually, 24, which practically consisted of my whole damn family, all of which who, by the way, gave me dirty glares as I passed by them. Yeah, I was a black sheep.

Bah, fucking bah.

I took my seat, Ellie to the left of me and David sitting in my lap because he was too lethargic to get off his bum ass and slide into the chair next to me as people began whispering and crying and nodding and all this other BULLSHIT ( Note capitals) which didn't really mean anything because they were all just keeping up this rouge for themselves, convincing their bony, hypoallergenic asses that they actually did have a heart and that they could care for their sister, or cousin, or whatever the fuck she was to them. The pastor began mumbeling and oddly enough, I began to imagine, or did I notice, that he was glancing over at my little cousin, Reggie, a lot.

Damn rapists.

But I never liked Reggie anyway, he spit on me once.

"Joanie was a wonderful woman, God bless her soul" He said, pausing here and there, coughing when needed, the occasional wipe of the eyes. Here's your fucking Tony, but don't take the real one now, drop it off in the back after your finished fucking my cousin, you'll receive the real one in the mail.

Finally it was my turn to speak.

I pulled David up, he followed me to the front hunched over with his head down and…were his eyes closed? I couldn't tell, but I finally made it to the front. I was going to let this bitch have it, spill out everything that needed to be known about her. The lies, how she didn't care about me, the ignorance, the bitter sweet moments, how her death was not one of the best things In my life, but pretty high up there…all that shit.

I opened my mouth…

Ellie closed her eyes and bowed her head…

The people in the auidance, 24 whole, leaned in their seats….

David fell into me, as usual and closed his eyes. Did he even know where the hell we were?

I leaned into the microphone…

A butterfly flew past me…

Lucky bastard…

And finally spoke." I loved my mother" and stepped down as they all smiled and nodded, that "Good Boy, keep all that shit to yourself" smile and then proceed to go balls out to get their own Tony by nodding and crying and gasping and heaving and all that other BULLSHIT, say it with a passion now, BULLSHIT, as I dragged my sack of potatoes boy friend and Ellie 20 fucking blocks back to our shitty shack and colasped onto the couch, David and Ellie following me, where we laid in our own thoughts and dreams and wishes and other delightful things until we all passed out.

Like I said, if you love someone, you'll lie right in their face.

Or their grave.

Oh agony