Disclaimer: We didn't really feel like writing Alisa in. Oh, yeah, and
the semi-insane character Mike is based on a friend of ours. He's a
funny guy. Love ya lots, Mike! And, if you couldn't tell, there's a
reference in here to everyone's favorite Pokemon battle team. One of
us insisted on putting it in while the other had doubts, but the pouty
lip won in the end. Yay!
Crazy Insane Psycho Giggling Squirrels
[Scene: the courtyard outside Widow's Vale High School. It's raining.
Things are wet. The gang is sitting on the benches, getting wet. Did
we mention that it's wet?]
MORGAN: It's wet today.
BREE: I concur.
*Hunter and Sky walk up*
HUNTER: It's wet.
ROBBIE: Yeah. *beat* It IS wet.
SKY: You want to move inside? As people sometimes do when it's
raining?
RAVEN: *dreamily* Whatever you say, baby ... *catches herself,
embarrassed* Oh, um, yeah. I think we should.
*they walk inside the building towards their basement hangout.*
*inside the basement hangout, they see a large, blonde, shaggy-haired
guy dressed in black*
HUNTER: Who are you?
GUY: *sits for a minute, staring into space* Mike.
MORGAN: So ... Mike ... why are you here?
MIKE: It's dark.
*pause*
MORGAN: Good enough for me.
RAVEN: So you like the dark?
MIKE: Yes. I find that it is my friend.
SHARON: Your friend, huh? *turns to the others* I think this guy is
crazy.
RAVEN: I like him!
SKY: To what extent?
*uncomfortable silence*
HUNTER: So ...
JENNA: *perky* I like pudding!
MIKE: *eerily* So do I.
MORGAN: Okay, who IS this guy?
MIKE: I am Mike.
MORGAN: Yeah, Mike who?
MIKE: Just Mike. Dark Mike.
*the bell rings*
ROBBIE: Okay, um, time to get to class.
ETHAN: Aren't you coming, Mike?
MIKE: I don't do people. They're not dark enough.
HUNTER: Oooookay ...
*the next day, the gang troops down to the basement hangout to find
Mike still sitting there. The same happens the next day. They look
confused*
MORGAN: Oh, my God! Do you EVER go home?
MIKE: Sometimes.
HUNTER: When did you get here?
MIKE: I'm always here.
*creeped out silence*
BREE: Why were you here so early?
MIKE: To do things.
ROBBIE: What things?
MIKE: Dark things.
SHARON: Oooookay ... I still think this guy is crazy.
RAVEN: I still like him!
MIKE: *gets up and walks out of the door*
MORGAN: Where are you going?
MIKE: Everywhere. And nowhere.
*he leaves. Silence ensues once more*
SKY: Okay, all of this cryptic crap is pissing me off! Who is this
guy?
ROBBIE: Maybe he's with the CIA.
BREE: Maybe he's an escaped convict.
ETHAN: Maybe he's a vampire from the dark abysses of the fabled black
vortex.
SHARON: Maybe he's a pastry chef on assignment from Emeril.
MORGAN: Maybe he's the reincarnation of Genghis Khan. Or Kurt Cobaine.
HUNTER: Maybe he's a wandering gypsy dancer.
RAVEN: Maybe he's single ... *gets looks from everyone* I can keep my
options open, can't I?
SKY: *shortly* No.
RAVEN: *looks depressed*
*the bell rings. Again*
MORGAN: Okay, if anyone sees Mike during the day, keep an eye on him.
I want to know everything about this guy.
HUNTER: Why?
MORGAN: Because he creeps me out! I get a bad feeling from him.
HUNTER: *relieved* Oh. That's why.
MORGAN: *looks at him and shakes her head with a sigh*
*that night, the gang walks outside to the power sink in the old
Methodist cemetery*
MORGAN: *stops suddenly* Wait! What are we doing here?
ROBBIE: Plot device.
BREE: That, or we're inescapably drawn to said power sink like puppets
on a string, as we so often seem to be.
MORGAN: Oh.
JENNA: *pointing to a thing in the distance* Hey, isn't that Mike?
*they all look. Hunter looks closer*
HUNTER: I think so.
SKY: *lets out enraged growl at the sight of him*
RAVEN: What's with you?
SKY: I want to know what he's doing.
*Hunter, Sky, and Morgan all head over to see what he's doing. The
rest stay behind, listening*
SKY: *from far away* Is that a goat?
HUNTER: *from far away* It appears to be.
MORGAN: *from far away* Well, what's he doing with – AAAAHHHHH!!!! OH,
MY GODDESS! OH, MY GODDESS! THE POOR GOAT! MY EYES! MY EYES!
MIKE: *from far away* Now that the bleu cheese is in place – eat, my
pretty, eat! – we can finally continue with ... *sinisterly* the dark
plan!
TWO OTHER VOICES: *from far away, commenting on Mike's statement*
Yeah. Uh-huh. Sounds good.
*we then see what Mike is doing: he and two girls, a blonde and a
brunette, are force-feeding bleu cheese to a goat*
MIKE: So. *to the blonde* Lindsey, did you bring the dark CD player?
LINDSEY: Yep-a-doodles.
MIKE: *to the brunette* Kristin, got our dark ritual music?
KRISTIN: Yeppers.
MIKE: Okay. Now ... *ominously* let's ... par-tay!
*they do a synchronized dance number to "Simple and Clean" by Utada
Hikaru*
MORGAN: Uh ... *they approach them slowly* I'm going to interrupt this
several-years-old-but-still-catchy pop song to ask, who are you guys?
MIKE: I'm Mike. I like the dark.
SKY: Yeah, dumbass, we got that already. Who are these people?
*motions Kristin and Lindsey*
KRISTIN: Well, since you asked ...
LINDSEY: To bring the world to devastation!
KRISTIN: To destroy all covens within our nation!
LINDSEY: To denounce the evils of truth and love!
KRISTIN: To extend our reach to the Goddess above!
LINDSEY: Lindsey!
KRISTIN: Kristin!
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: Coven Amyranth blast off at the speed of light!
Surrender now or prepare to fight!
MIKE: That's right.
*stunned silence*
HUNTER: Uh ...
MORGAN: Oooookay ...
SKY: Yeeeah ...
*the others come over*
RAVEN: We heard the song.
JENNA: It was very stupid.
MORGAN: So you guys are part of Amyranth? *gets nods from the three of
them* *considers* That's cool! What cell?
MIKE: Ghetto of LA.
RAVEN: Hey, I've been there!
*everyone looks confused*
SKY: What were you doing in the ghetto of LA?
RAVEN: It was the only place I could find those specialty handcuffs
that you wanted.
SKY: *mortified silence*
ROBBIE / ETHAN: *mouths hanging open, imagining all of their fantasies
coming true, receiving slaps from their respective girlfriends*
MORGAN: *quickly, seeing her boyfriend about to fall under Sky and
Raven's spell of the lesbians* Okay, so, what's this dark ritual
you're planning on doing? Because, you know ... dark magick's not cool.
MIKE: Well, you see, it all started during the Middle Ages ...
*to purposefully illustrate Mike's tale, the scene fades to a pretty
countryside meadow*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: There was a group of tribal squirrels, you see.
*a squirrel hops onto the screen, nibbling on an acorn merrily. It is
followed by about fifty million of its kind, all nibbling on acorns*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: These squirrels had been pushed out of their
territorial homes by the king of England's men, who wanted to build a
grand palace over the squirrels' holy acorn gathering spot.
Understandably, this made the squirrels very sad*
*the squirrels droop and look sad*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: But, these weren't any ordinary squirrels. These
were ... *dramatic pause* mutant dark ninja rodent warlord squirrels!
*the squirrels change from their cute and cuddly exteriors to
hardcore, evil, dark exteriors. They now brandish swords, shields, and
magickal staffs, with chains of bird skulls around their necks,
chipmunk fangs adorning their weapons, and guinea pig claws
brandishing their helmets. They glare in all their horrible no-longer-
cute evilness at the camera*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: They took the medieval world by storm. They
plundered villages, spared no prisoners, and even managed to shape the
world's first A-bomb out of walnut shells and photonucleic
biomolecules.
*a gang of dark squirrels watch as a mushroom cloud explodes over a
medieval city. They cheer*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: So that is the story of the dark warrior squirrels.
*flash back to the cemetery*
MORGAN: While that story was very entertaining and not at all
disturbing, what does that have to do with your dark ritual?
MIKE: Well, you see, my dark friends and I have been planning to
resurrect the dark warrior squirrels so that they can help us darkly
take over the world.
HUNTER: I'm pretty sure that goes against council regulations.
MIKE: Do I care?
SKY: Don't talk to Hunter like that!
LINDSEY: Don't talk to Mike like that!
RAVEN: Don't talk to Sky like that!
KRISTIN: Don't talk to Lindsey like that!
MORGAN: *interrupting them* Okay, this could go on for days.
HUNTER: I'm sorry, Mike, but I'm going to have to ask you to stop your
ritual.
MIKE: Ah, see, that's not a possibility. The dark warlord squirrels
are already on their way.
*as if on cue, the thunderings of tiny feet can be heard approaching
the cemetery. The coven turns in shock to see approximately fifty
million squirrels cresting the hill and racing towards them in a
rodent frenzy*
MORGAN: Hot damn.
*the squirrels attack. Strangely enough, only Hunter is killed. Then
the squirrels incinerate in a deadly fire that wipes out the entire
town*
*the coven looks around them in surprise*
BREE: Wow. That didn't take long.
JENNA: *checking her watch* About 30 seconds.
MIKE: Well, this has been darkly pleasant and we'd love to chat, but
we have another dark ritual scheduled for home in the ghetto in a few
hours. Gotta run.
MORGAN: Okay! Bye!
ROBBIE: Don't forget to write!
SHARON: Keep in touch!
*Mike, Kristin, and Lindsey teleport out of the cemetery. The gang
looks at each other*
MORGAN: *whining* Why haven't I learned teleportation yet?
BREE: Hey, who wants to get some pizza?
ROBBIE: Sure. *he, Bree, Jenna, Sharon, and Ethan leave*
SKY: Hey, Raven, you DID find those handcuffs, right?
RAVEN: *getting her meaning* Hell, yeah.
*they leave*
*Morgan is now alone in the cemetery*
MORGAN: Hey ... they all left me! *she finally realizes that she is in
the middle of a cemetery ... at night ... all alone* AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
*a zombie squirrel pops up out of the ground and eats her as the wet
rain starts once again. Thus ends the life of the Woodbane princess*
DAS ENDE
the semi-insane character Mike is based on a friend of ours. He's a
funny guy. Love ya lots, Mike! And, if you couldn't tell, there's a
reference in here to everyone's favorite Pokemon battle team. One of
us insisted on putting it in while the other had doubts, but the pouty
lip won in the end. Yay!
Crazy Insane Psycho Giggling Squirrels
[Scene: the courtyard outside Widow's Vale High School. It's raining.
Things are wet. The gang is sitting on the benches, getting wet. Did
we mention that it's wet?]
MORGAN: It's wet today.
BREE: I concur.
*Hunter and Sky walk up*
HUNTER: It's wet.
ROBBIE: Yeah. *beat* It IS wet.
SKY: You want to move inside? As people sometimes do when it's
raining?
RAVEN: *dreamily* Whatever you say, baby ... *catches herself,
embarrassed* Oh, um, yeah. I think we should.
*they walk inside the building towards their basement hangout.*
*inside the basement hangout, they see a large, blonde, shaggy-haired
guy dressed in black*
HUNTER: Who are you?
GUY: *sits for a minute, staring into space* Mike.
MORGAN: So ... Mike ... why are you here?
MIKE: It's dark.
*pause*
MORGAN: Good enough for me.
RAVEN: So you like the dark?
MIKE: Yes. I find that it is my friend.
SHARON: Your friend, huh? *turns to the others* I think this guy is
crazy.
RAVEN: I like him!
SKY: To what extent?
*uncomfortable silence*
HUNTER: So ...
JENNA: *perky* I like pudding!
MIKE: *eerily* So do I.
MORGAN: Okay, who IS this guy?
MIKE: I am Mike.
MORGAN: Yeah, Mike who?
MIKE: Just Mike. Dark Mike.
*the bell rings*
ROBBIE: Okay, um, time to get to class.
ETHAN: Aren't you coming, Mike?
MIKE: I don't do people. They're not dark enough.
HUNTER: Oooookay ...
*the next day, the gang troops down to the basement hangout to find
Mike still sitting there. The same happens the next day. They look
confused*
MORGAN: Oh, my God! Do you EVER go home?
MIKE: Sometimes.
HUNTER: When did you get here?
MIKE: I'm always here.
*creeped out silence*
BREE: Why were you here so early?
MIKE: To do things.
ROBBIE: What things?
MIKE: Dark things.
SHARON: Oooookay ... I still think this guy is crazy.
RAVEN: I still like him!
MIKE: *gets up and walks out of the door*
MORGAN: Where are you going?
MIKE: Everywhere. And nowhere.
*he leaves. Silence ensues once more*
SKY: Okay, all of this cryptic crap is pissing me off! Who is this
guy?
ROBBIE: Maybe he's with the CIA.
BREE: Maybe he's an escaped convict.
ETHAN: Maybe he's a vampire from the dark abysses of the fabled black
vortex.
SHARON: Maybe he's a pastry chef on assignment from Emeril.
MORGAN: Maybe he's the reincarnation of Genghis Khan. Or Kurt Cobaine.
HUNTER: Maybe he's a wandering gypsy dancer.
RAVEN: Maybe he's single ... *gets looks from everyone* I can keep my
options open, can't I?
SKY: *shortly* No.
RAVEN: *looks depressed*
*the bell rings. Again*
MORGAN: Okay, if anyone sees Mike during the day, keep an eye on him.
I want to know everything about this guy.
HUNTER: Why?
MORGAN: Because he creeps me out! I get a bad feeling from him.
HUNTER: *relieved* Oh. That's why.
MORGAN: *looks at him and shakes her head with a sigh*
*that night, the gang walks outside to the power sink in the old
Methodist cemetery*
MORGAN: *stops suddenly* Wait! What are we doing here?
ROBBIE: Plot device.
BREE: That, or we're inescapably drawn to said power sink like puppets
on a string, as we so often seem to be.
MORGAN: Oh.
JENNA: *pointing to a thing in the distance* Hey, isn't that Mike?
*they all look. Hunter looks closer*
HUNTER: I think so.
SKY: *lets out enraged growl at the sight of him*
RAVEN: What's with you?
SKY: I want to know what he's doing.
*Hunter, Sky, and Morgan all head over to see what he's doing. The
rest stay behind, listening*
SKY: *from far away* Is that a goat?
HUNTER: *from far away* It appears to be.
MORGAN: *from far away* Well, what's he doing with – AAAAHHHHH!!!! OH,
MY GODDESS! OH, MY GODDESS! THE POOR GOAT! MY EYES! MY EYES!
MIKE: *from far away* Now that the bleu cheese is in place – eat, my
pretty, eat! – we can finally continue with ... *sinisterly* the dark
plan!
TWO OTHER VOICES: *from far away, commenting on Mike's statement*
Yeah. Uh-huh. Sounds good.
*we then see what Mike is doing: he and two girls, a blonde and a
brunette, are force-feeding bleu cheese to a goat*
MIKE: So. *to the blonde* Lindsey, did you bring the dark CD player?
LINDSEY: Yep-a-doodles.
MIKE: *to the brunette* Kristin, got our dark ritual music?
KRISTIN: Yeppers.
MIKE: Okay. Now ... *ominously* let's ... par-tay!
*they do a synchronized dance number to "Simple and Clean" by Utada
Hikaru*
MORGAN: Uh ... *they approach them slowly* I'm going to interrupt this
several-years-old-but-still-catchy pop song to ask, who are you guys?
MIKE: I'm Mike. I like the dark.
SKY: Yeah, dumbass, we got that already. Who are these people?
*motions Kristin and Lindsey*
KRISTIN: Well, since you asked ...
LINDSEY: To bring the world to devastation!
KRISTIN: To destroy all covens within our nation!
LINDSEY: To denounce the evils of truth and love!
KRISTIN: To extend our reach to the Goddess above!
LINDSEY: Lindsey!
KRISTIN: Kristin!
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: Coven Amyranth blast off at the speed of light!
Surrender now or prepare to fight!
MIKE: That's right.
*stunned silence*
HUNTER: Uh ...
MORGAN: Oooookay ...
SKY: Yeeeah ...
*the others come over*
RAVEN: We heard the song.
JENNA: It was very stupid.
MORGAN: So you guys are part of Amyranth? *gets nods from the three of
them* *considers* That's cool! What cell?
MIKE: Ghetto of LA.
RAVEN: Hey, I've been there!
*everyone looks confused*
SKY: What were you doing in the ghetto of LA?
RAVEN: It was the only place I could find those specialty handcuffs
that you wanted.
SKY: *mortified silence*
ROBBIE / ETHAN: *mouths hanging open, imagining all of their fantasies
coming true, receiving slaps from their respective girlfriends*
MORGAN: *quickly, seeing her boyfriend about to fall under Sky and
Raven's spell of the lesbians* Okay, so, what's this dark ritual
you're planning on doing? Because, you know ... dark magick's not cool.
MIKE: Well, you see, it all started during the Middle Ages ...
*to purposefully illustrate Mike's tale, the scene fades to a pretty
countryside meadow*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: There was a group of tribal squirrels, you see.
*a squirrel hops onto the screen, nibbling on an acorn merrily. It is
followed by about fifty million of its kind, all nibbling on acorns*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: These squirrels had been pushed out of their
territorial homes by the king of England's men, who wanted to build a
grand palace over the squirrels' holy acorn gathering spot.
Understandably, this made the squirrels very sad*
*the squirrels droop and look sad*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: But, these weren't any ordinary squirrels. These
were ... *dramatic pause* mutant dark ninja rodent warlord squirrels!
*the squirrels change from their cute and cuddly exteriors to
hardcore, evil, dark exteriors. They now brandish swords, shields, and
magickal staffs, with chains of bird skulls around their necks,
chipmunk fangs adorning their weapons, and guinea pig claws
brandishing their helmets. They glare in all their horrible no-longer-
cute evilness at the camera*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: They took the medieval world by storm. They
plundered villages, spared no prisoners, and even managed to shape the
world's first A-bomb out of walnut shells and photonucleic
biomolecules.
*a gang of dark squirrels watch as a mushroom cloud explodes over a
medieval city. They cheer*
MIKE *VOICEOVER*: So that is the story of the dark warrior squirrels.
*flash back to the cemetery*
MORGAN: While that story was very entertaining and not at all
disturbing, what does that have to do with your dark ritual?
MIKE: Well, you see, my dark friends and I have been planning to
resurrect the dark warrior squirrels so that they can help us darkly
take over the world.
HUNTER: I'm pretty sure that goes against council regulations.
MIKE: Do I care?
SKY: Don't talk to Hunter like that!
LINDSEY: Don't talk to Mike like that!
RAVEN: Don't talk to Sky like that!
KRISTIN: Don't talk to Lindsey like that!
MORGAN: *interrupting them* Okay, this could go on for days.
HUNTER: I'm sorry, Mike, but I'm going to have to ask you to stop your
ritual.
MIKE: Ah, see, that's not a possibility. The dark warlord squirrels
are already on their way.
*as if on cue, the thunderings of tiny feet can be heard approaching
the cemetery. The coven turns in shock to see approximately fifty
million squirrels cresting the hill and racing towards them in a
rodent frenzy*
MORGAN: Hot damn.
*the squirrels attack. Strangely enough, only Hunter is killed. Then
the squirrels incinerate in a deadly fire that wipes out the entire
town*
*the coven looks around them in surprise*
BREE: Wow. That didn't take long.
JENNA: *checking her watch* About 30 seconds.
MIKE: Well, this has been darkly pleasant and we'd love to chat, but
we have another dark ritual scheduled for home in the ghetto in a few
hours. Gotta run.
MORGAN: Okay! Bye!
ROBBIE: Don't forget to write!
SHARON: Keep in touch!
*Mike, Kristin, and Lindsey teleport out of the cemetery. The gang
looks at each other*
MORGAN: *whining* Why haven't I learned teleportation yet?
BREE: Hey, who wants to get some pizza?
ROBBIE: Sure. *he, Bree, Jenna, Sharon, and Ethan leave*
SKY: Hey, Raven, you DID find those handcuffs, right?
RAVEN: *getting her meaning* Hell, yeah.
*they leave*
*Morgan is now alone in the cemetery*
MORGAN: Hey ... they all left me! *she finally realizes that she is in
the middle of a cemetery ... at night ... all alone* AAAAAAAHHHHHH!
*a zombie squirrel pops up out of the ground and eats her as the wet
rain starts once again. Thus ends the life of the Woodbane princess*
DAS ENDE