Disclaimer: Hey, peoples ... here's #5 ... enjoy! Oh, and just remember
that these stories aren't related to each other in any way, shape, or
form. This one is related to #3, but only because Hunter has been
resurrected and the town has been rebuilt. They all have the same
characters ... that we don't own, so don't sue ... but we own Mike,
Lindsey, and Kristin. And a shoutout to Madman! ... again! And, by the
way, in "Morgan and the Shrink," the sedative didn't work because the
blood of witches flows in her veins (i.e. she's a blood witch, for
those of you who are too thick to figure it out). No offense!
Everybody Out Of The Water!!!
[Scene: the basement hangout at the high school. The coven is gathered
in it. After a massive combat with evil, they are all exhausted.]
HUNTER: Okay, peoples! Get up and give me fifty!
SHARON: Fifty what?
HUNTER: Pushups! Darn you guys, get working! You're all becoming too
lazy!
ALISA: I was so tired this morning that I missed the bus, so I lassoed
myself to the back of it and rode to school on my roller blades, still
completely asleep.
BREE: You've been working us too hard, Hunter!
ROBBIE: Yeah, give Bree a rest! She needs to reserve her energy for ...
um ... other ... more important things!
BREE: *sweetly* Thank you, Robbie. *slaps him* And HOW MANY TIMES have
I told you NOT to discuss our sex life in front of the coven???
ROBBIE: Sorry.
HUNTER: Oh, come on, you guys! Get to work!
ALL: No!
HUNTER: *resigned* Okay, fine, fine. We'll take a break.
MORGAN: I think we need a vacation.
SKY: Indubitably.
RAVEN: Stop talking British.
SKY: You said it was a turn-on.
RAVEN: *caught* Um ...
MORGAN: *quickly* Anyway, vacation, anyone?
[Scene: a beach somewhere. The coven is relaxing along the beach.]
HUNTER: What a great day for a vacation.
MORGAN: Yeah. The water is blue, the sky is clear, the sand is white,
and the squirrel is red!
RAVEN: *pause* Squirrel?
*they stare in shock as a squirrel scampers along the beach*
SKY: I didn't know that squirrels lived near the beach.
BREE: They don't.
ROBBIE: It's probably just a coincidence.
*ten other squirrels come scampering across the beach*
*horrified pause*
ALL: Uh-oh.
JENNA: You think anyone else noticed the squirrels?
*they look around at the other beach-goers. Everyone seems calm and
collected*
ALISA: Maybe it WAS just a coincidence.
HUNTER: What if it wasn't? WHAT THEN?
MORGAN: Calm down, Hunter.
HUNTER: I love you.
MORGAN: I love you, too.
*Sky turns to Raven*
SKY: I love you.
RAVEN: I love you, too.
*Bree turns to Robbie*
BREE: I love you.
ROBBIE: I love you, too.
*Ethan turns to Sharon*
ETHAN: I love you.
SHARON: I love you, too.
*Jenna turns to Simon*
JENNA: I love you.
SIMON: I love you, too.
ALISA: *whimpers in a corner* I feel left out.
MORGAN: *comes out of her and Hunter's makeout session* Okay ... who
wants to go swimming?
*Hunter runs into the water*
MORGAN: *sarcastically* Okay, Hunter, don't wait for the rest of us!
HUNTER: *over his shoulder* Thanks, honey! *runs headlong into the
lifeguard stand*
MORGAN: *shaking her head* What an idiot. *pause* Still, he's cute.
*all except Hunter hear a strange chanting coming from the distance*
ALISA: What's that?
*all turn and look at the cliff conveniently placed above the beach.
There they see Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin, all with their arms raised
towards the sky, chanting a strange language. When they are done,
Lindsey pushes the PLAY button on a stereo*
*they hear an oddly familiar tune*
MORGAN: Hey, what IS that?
SKY: It sounds familiar.
BREE: I can't place it ...
ROBBIE: It's on the tip of my tongue ...
RAVEN: *humming along* dun dun dun dun dun ... *gets looks* What? Don't
you guys recognize the JAWS theme song when you hear it?
*they all look at each other in horror*
MORGAN: JAWS?
*they hear a girlish scream and see Hunter's body being pulled
underwater. The waves turn red*
MORGAN: Hunter!
SKY: Oh, no! What will we do?
BREE: I don't know.
*they all run to the water's edge*
SKY: *to Morgan* You go in.
MORGAN: I'm not going in! You go in!
SKY: I'm not going in! Bree, go in!
BREE: I'm not going in! Robbie, go in!
ROBBIE: I'm not going in! I can't swim!
*they see Hunter's arm wash up on the shore*
MORGAN: Oh, my God ...
SKY: Oh, my God ...
BREE: Oh, my God ...
ROBBIE: Oh, my God ...
ETHAN: *giggles uncontrollably*
MORGAN: *glares menacingly at him*
ETHAN: *stops giggling* Sorry.
ALISA: Is there a shark in the water?
JENNA: *sarcastically* No, Alisa, it was a STARFISH that killed
Hunter!
ALISA: *cheerfully* Okay, then! I'm going swimming!
*she runs into the water. They hear the JAWS music more closely now.
They turn around to see Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin standing behind
them*
MIKE: You might what to get your friend out of the water. Things are
going to turn dark. Fast.
LINDSEY: She's almost out of time.
KRISTIN: *pulls out a stopwatch* Dun dun dun dun dun dun ...
SKY: Shut up!
KRISTIN: No! Dun dun dun dun dun ... *Lindsey joins in*
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: *louder* Dun dun dun dun dun dun ...
ALISA: *from way out in the ocean* Hey! Stop that humming! It's
annoying!
*from the beach, the coven can see a shark fin slicing through the
water, heading right towards Alisa*
MIKE: *nodding* Yep. There's Maurice.
MORGAN: MAURICE???
MIKE: Yep. That's his name. We've raised him since he was a dark baby.
*calling* Good Maurice! Kill little annoying girl! Good boy!
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: *still humming* Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ...
ROBBIE: Alisa! Look out! There's a shark behind you!
ALISA: *from far away* What? I can't hear you!
ROBBIE: A shark! A shark!
ALISA: *from far away* WHAT???
SKY: *steals a megaphone from a tourist* THERE'S A SHARK BEHIND YOU!
EVERYBODY OUT OF THE WATER!!!
ALISA: *from far away* Sorry, I got water in my ear! WHAT DID YOU SAY?
SKY: SHARK! SHARK! SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER, YOU IDIOT!
ALISA: Oh! A shark! *does a double take* SHARK??? *turns around to see
the shark opening its jaws, ready to swallow her alive* *lets out a
high-pitched scream*
*back on the shore, the coven listens to the SCREAM, CRUNCH, AND
SPLASH that is the death of Alisa*
LINDSEY: Good Mauricey! Way to make Mommy proud!
KRISTIN: Mommies! Mommies! Plural!
LINDSEY: Oh. Right.
MORGAN: Mike, you have to call off the shark! It's already killed two
people!
MIKE: He's just doing what comes naturally. Would you tell a cat not
to use its litter box?
MORGAN: Actually, my cat won't go near his litter box. He had a
traumatic experience with it.
MIKE: Was that annoying girl even a person?
BREE: Marginally, but still.
KRISTIN: So it was really only one and a half people.
LINDSEY: *perkily* Does anyone want to meet Jeff the Deranged
Squirrel?
*holds out a squirrel that stands there cutely*
MIKE / KRISTIN: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!
JENNA: *examines the squirrel closely* It doesn't look deranged ...
LINDSEY: Not until I do this. *waves her hand and says something in
squirrel-speak*
*the squirrel attacks and kills Jenna*
ROBBIE: That was brutal.
RAVEN: I'm never watching Animal Planet again.
LINDSEY: *laughs maniacally*
MORGAN: Um, guys? Can we get back to the shark issue here? I think we
have more pressing problems than this squirrel. Which is currently
humping my leg.
LINDSEY: That's not Jeff. That's Bill.
MORGAN: Oh, for the love of Hecate.
KRISTIN: *affectionately to the squirrel* IS OOO A HORNY SQUIRREL? IS
OOO A HORNY SQUIRREL?
BILL: *chirps back*
LINDSEY: He said yes. And a lot of other things, but let's not get
into those.
MORGAN: CAN WE PLEASE DEAL WITH THE SHARK???
MIKE: I'm not about to tell Maurice to stop doing what he does
naturally just because you want me to. We're both dark, and you're
not!
MORGAN: I'm Woodbane!
MIKE: Oh, yeah? well, I'm ... *ominous pause* Woodbane, too! But I'm
still darker!
KILLIAN: *teleports in* Hi, Mike! Hi, Morgan! Wazzup?
MORGAN: You two know each other?
KILLIAN: He's my cousin.
MORGAN: But wouldn't that make him ...
MIKE: Guess what, Morgan? I'm ... your ... cousin!
MORGAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
*pause*
BREE: Okay, enough melodrama. Calm down. *slaps Morgan upside the
head* I mean, at least THOSE TWO aren't related to you.
KRISTIN / LINDSEY / JEFF / BILL: *in the background* Dun dun dun dun
dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ...
MIKE: Um, actually, they're my dark sisters. So I guess that makes
them your dark cousins, too. Except for the dark squirrels.
KRISTIN / LINDSEY / JEFF / BILL: *in the background* Dark dark dark
dark dark dark dark dark dark ...
ROBBIE: OKAY! OKAY! WE GET IT! THINGS ARE DARK! SHUUUUUT UUUUUP!
MIKE: Not things. Just *dramatic pause* us.
MORGAN: And who is 'us' exactly?
MIKE: Well ... you can be part of 'us', too, if you wanna join our dark
coven.
MORGAN: You mean Amyranth?
MIKE: Yep. It's dark.
KILLIAN: It's also quite fun.
MORGAN: *considers* Well, okay!
SKY: *pointedly* Morgan? What about OUR coven? And the council?
MORGAN: Oh, screw them. They're just a bunch of sticks in the mud. I
think we should combine the two covens.
SKY: What??? Are you crazy???
MORGAN: The council doesn't approve of gay marriage.
SKY: *beat* So, all in favor of combining the two covens?
RAVEN: *quickly* Aye!
ALL: Aye!
MIKE: Well ... fine ... but we have to do a dark ritual to turn all of you
into dark Woodbane witches.
MORGAN: Can you even do that?
MIKE: I'm Mike. I can do anything. I'm dark.
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: We know, Mike ... we know ... BELIEVE US, we know ...
MIKE: So, all set to do the dark spell, then?
MORGAN: What do they have to do?
MIKE: EAT ... *dramatic pause* BLEU CHEESE!
ALL: AAAAHHHH! Yuck! I'm not eating that!
MIKE: Actually, if you season it with cinnamon and garlic sauce, it
tastes a little like chicken.
MEXICAN CAT: *walking up* I like chicken.
LINDSEY: So do I.
MORGAN: Who are you talking to?
LINDSEY: Oh, um, no one.
KRISTIN: *whispering* Don't worry. I saw him, too.
LINDSEY: Must be an omen.
MIKE: What was that Mexican cat doing here?
ROBBIE: What Mexican cat?
KRISTIN: Maybe only dark witches can see it.
MIKE: Well, we'd love to turn the rest of you into dark witches, but
we've got to run and get some dark food. Applebee's has a new drive-
thru, you know.
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: Is it a DARK drive-thru?
MIKE: Yes.
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: *pause* YAY!
KILLIAN: Let's go!
*they teleport out*
*the others look around*
AND ... ONCE AGAIN ... THE END
BREE: Is that the end?
ROBBIE: *irritated* Yes! It's the end! It says it right up there!
BREE: I love you, Robbie.
ROBBIE: I love you, too.
*insert makeout session*
JEFF: Squeak! *TRANSLATION: That's incredibly disturbing*
BILL: Squeal! *TRANSLATION: I don't mind!*
*they teleport out*
FOR REAL THIS TIME ... FIN
that these stories aren't related to each other in any way, shape, or
form. This one is related to #3, but only because Hunter has been
resurrected and the town has been rebuilt. They all have the same
characters ... that we don't own, so don't sue ... but we own Mike,
Lindsey, and Kristin. And a shoutout to Madman! ... again! And, by the
way, in "Morgan and the Shrink," the sedative didn't work because the
blood of witches flows in her veins (i.e. she's a blood witch, for
those of you who are too thick to figure it out). No offense!
Everybody Out Of The Water!!!
[Scene: the basement hangout at the high school. The coven is gathered
in it. After a massive combat with evil, they are all exhausted.]
HUNTER: Okay, peoples! Get up and give me fifty!
SHARON: Fifty what?
HUNTER: Pushups! Darn you guys, get working! You're all becoming too
lazy!
ALISA: I was so tired this morning that I missed the bus, so I lassoed
myself to the back of it and rode to school on my roller blades, still
completely asleep.
BREE: You've been working us too hard, Hunter!
ROBBIE: Yeah, give Bree a rest! She needs to reserve her energy for ...
um ... other ... more important things!
BREE: *sweetly* Thank you, Robbie. *slaps him* And HOW MANY TIMES have
I told you NOT to discuss our sex life in front of the coven???
ROBBIE: Sorry.
HUNTER: Oh, come on, you guys! Get to work!
ALL: No!
HUNTER: *resigned* Okay, fine, fine. We'll take a break.
MORGAN: I think we need a vacation.
SKY: Indubitably.
RAVEN: Stop talking British.
SKY: You said it was a turn-on.
RAVEN: *caught* Um ...
MORGAN: *quickly* Anyway, vacation, anyone?
[Scene: a beach somewhere. The coven is relaxing along the beach.]
HUNTER: What a great day for a vacation.
MORGAN: Yeah. The water is blue, the sky is clear, the sand is white,
and the squirrel is red!
RAVEN: *pause* Squirrel?
*they stare in shock as a squirrel scampers along the beach*
SKY: I didn't know that squirrels lived near the beach.
BREE: They don't.
ROBBIE: It's probably just a coincidence.
*ten other squirrels come scampering across the beach*
*horrified pause*
ALL: Uh-oh.
JENNA: You think anyone else noticed the squirrels?
*they look around at the other beach-goers. Everyone seems calm and
collected*
ALISA: Maybe it WAS just a coincidence.
HUNTER: What if it wasn't? WHAT THEN?
MORGAN: Calm down, Hunter.
HUNTER: I love you.
MORGAN: I love you, too.
*Sky turns to Raven*
SKY: I love you.
RAVEN: I love you, too.
*Bree turns to Robbie*
BREE: I love you.
ROBBIE: I love you, too.
*Ethan turns to Sharon*
ETHAN: I love you.
SHARON: I love you, too.
*Jenna turns to Simon*
JENNA: I love you.
SIMON: I love you, too.
ALISA: *whimpers in a corner* I feel left out.
MORGAN: *comes out of her and Hunter's makeout session* Okay ... who
wants to go swimming?
*Hunter runs into the water*
MORGAN: *sarcastically* Okay, Hunter, don't wait for the rest of us!
HUNTER: *over his shoulder* Thanks, honey! *runs headlong into the
lifeguard stand*
MORGAN: *shaking her head* What an idiot. *pause* Still, he's cute.
*all except Hunter hear a strange chanting coming from the distance*
ALISA: What's that?
*all turn and look at the cliff conveniently placed above the beach.
There they see Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin, all with their arms raised
towards the sky, chanting a strange language. When they are done,
Lindsey pushes the PLAY button on a stereo*
*they hear an oddly familiar tune*
MORGAN: Hey, what IS that?
SKY: It sounds familiar.
BREE: I can't place it ...
ROBBIE: It's on the tip of my tongue ...
RAVEN: *humming along* dun dun dun dun dun ... *gets looks* What? Don't
you guys recognize the JAWS theme song when you hear it?
*they all look at each other in horror*
MORGAN: JAWS?
*they hear a girlish scream and see Hunter's body being pulled
underwater. The waves turn red*
MORGAN: Hunter!
SKY: Oh, no! What will we do?
BREE: I don't know.
*they all run to the water's edge*
SKY: *to Morgan* You go in.
MORGAN: I'm not going in! You go in!
SKY: I'm not going in! Bree, go in!
BREE: I'm not going in! Robbie, go in!
ROBBIE: I'm not going in! I can't swim!
*they see Hunter's arm wash up on the shore*
MORGAN: Oh, my God ...
SKY: Oh, my God ...
BREE: Oh, my God ...
ROBBIE: Oh, my God ...
ETHAN: *giggles uncontrollably*
MORGAN: *glares menacingly at him*
ETHAN: *stops giggling* Sorry.
ALISA: Is there a shark in the water?
JENNA: *sarcastically* No, Alisa, it was a STARFISH that killed
Hunter!
ALISA: *cheerfully* Okay, then! I'm going swimming!
*she runs into the water. They hear the JAWS music more closely now.
They turn around to see Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin standing behind
them*
MIKE: You might what to get your friend out of the water. Things are
going to turn dark. Fast.
LINDSEY: She's almost out of time.
KRISTIN: *pulls out a stopwatch* Dun dun dun dun dun dun ...
SKY: Shut up!
KRISTIN: No! Dun dun dun dun dun ... *Lindsey joins in*
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: *louder* Dun dun dun dun dun dun ...
ALISA: *from way out in the ocean* Hey! Stop that humming! It's
annoying!
*from the beach, the coven can see a shark fin slicing through the
water, heading right towards Alisa*
MIKE: *nodding* Yep. There's Maurice.
MORGAN: MAURICE???
MIKE: Yep. That's his name. We've raised him since he was a dark baby.
*calling* Good Maurice! Kill little annoying girl! Good boy!
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: *still humming* Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ...
ROBBIE: Alisa! Look out! There's a shark behind you!
ALISA: *from far away* What? I can't hear you!
ROBBIE: A shark! A shark!
ALISA: *from far away* WHAT???
SKY: *steals a megaphone from a tourist* THERE'S A SHARK BEHIND YOU!
EVERYBODY OUT OF THE WATER!!!
ALISA: *from far away* Sorry, I got water in my ear! WHAT DID YOU SAY?
SKY: SHARK! SHARK! SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER, YOU IDIOT!
ALISA: Oh! A shark! *does a double take* SHARK??? *turns around to see
the shark opening its jaws, ready to swallow her alive* *lets out a
high-pitched scream*
*back on the shore, the coven listens to the SCREAM, CRUNCH, AND
SPLASH that is the death of Alisa*
LINDSEY: Good Mauricey! Way to make Mommy proud!
KRISTIN: Mommies! Mommies! Plural!
LINDSEY: Oh. Right.
MORGAN: Mike, you have to call off the shark! It's already killed two
people!
MIKE: He's just doing what comes naturally. Would you tell a cat not
to use its litter box?
MORGAN: Actually, my cat won't go near his litter box. He had a
traumatic experience with it.
MIKE: Was that annoying girl even a person?
BREE: Marginally, but still.
KRISTIN: So it was really only one and a half people.
LINDSEY: *perkily* Does anyone want to meet Jeff the Deranged
Squirrel?
*holds out a squirrel that stands there cutely*
MIKE / KRISTIN: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO!
JENNA: *examines the squirrel closely* It doesn't look deranged ...
LINDSEY: Not until I do this. *waves her hand and says something in
squirrel-speak*
*the squirrel attacks and kills Jenna*
ROBBIE: That was brutal.
RAVEN: I'm never watching Animal Planet again.
LINDSEY: *laughs maniacally*
MORGAN: Um, guys? Can we get back to the shark issue here? I think we
have more pressing problems than this squirrel. Which is currently
humping my leg.
LINDSEY: That's not Jeff. That's Bill.
MORGAN: Oh, for the love of Hecate.
KRISTIN: *affectionately to the squirrel* IS OOO A HORNY SQUIRREL? IS
OOO A HORNY SQUIRREL?
BILL: *chirps back*
LINDSEY: He said yes. And a lot of other things, but let's not get
into those.
MORGAN: CAN WE PLEASE DEAL WITH THE SHARK???
MIKE: I'm not about to tell Maurice to stop doing what he does
naturally just because you want me to. We're both dark, and you're
not!
MORGAN: I'm Woodbane!
MIKE: Oh, yeah? well, I'm ... *ominous pause* Woodbane, too! But I'm
still darker!
KILLIAN: *teleports in* Hi, Mike! Hi, Morgan! Wazzup?
MORGAN: You two know each other?
KILLIAN: He's my cousin.
MORGAN: But wouldn't that make him ...
MIKE: Guess what, Morgan? I'm ... your ... cousin!
MORGAN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
*pause*
BREE: Okay, enough melodrama. Calm down. *slaps Morgan upside the
head* I mean, at least THOSE TWO aren't related to you.
KRISTIN / LINDSEY / JEFF / BILL: *in the background* Dun dun dun dun
dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ...
MIKE: Um, actually, they're my dark sisters. So I guess that makes
them your dark cousins, too. Except for the dark squirrels.
KRISTIN / LINDSEY / JEFF / BILL: *in the background* Dark dark dark
dark dark dark dark dark dark ...
ROBBIE: OKAY! OKAY! WE GET IT! THINGS ARE DARK! SHUUUUUT UUUUUP!
MIKE: Not things. Just *dramatic pause* us.
MORGAN: And who is 'us' exactly?
MIKE: Well ... you can be part of 'us', too, if you wanna join our dark
coven.
MORGAN: You mean Amyranth?
MIKE: Yep. It's dark.
KILLIAN: It's also quite fun.
MORGAN: *considers* Well, okay!
SKY: *pointedly* Morgan? What about OUR coven? And the council?
MORGAN: Oh, screw them. They're just a bunch of sticks in the mud. I
think we should combine the two covens.
SKY: What??? Are you crazy???
MORGAN: The council doesn't approve of gay marriage.
SKY: *beat* So, all in favor of combining the two covens?
RAVEN: *quickly* Aye!
ALL: Aye!
MIKE: Well ... fine ... but we have to do a dark ritual to turn all of you
into dark Woodbane witches.
MORGAN: Can you even do that?
MIKE: I'm Mike. I can do anything. I'm dark.
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: We know, Mike ... we know ... BELIEVE US, we know ...
MIKE: So, all set to do the dark spell, then?
MORGAN: What do they have to do?
MIKE: EAT ... *dramatic pause* BLEU CHEESE!
ALL: AAAAHHHH! Yuck! I'm not eating that!
MIKE: Actually, if you season it with cinnamon and garlic sauce, it
tastes a little like chicken.
MEXICAN CAT: *walking up* I like chicken.
LINDSEY: So do I.
MORGAN: Who are you talking to?
LINDSEY: Oh, um, no one.
KRISTIN: *whispering* Don't worry. I saw him, too.
LINDSEY: Must be an omen.
MIKE: What was that Mexican cat doing here?
ROBBIE: What Mexican cat?
KRISTIN: Maybe only dark witches can see it.
MIKE: Well, we'd love to turn the rest of you into dark witches, but
we've got to run and get some dark food. Applebee's has a new drive-
thru, you know.
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: Is it a DARK drive-thru?
MIKE: Yes.
LINDSEY / KRISTIN: *pause* YAY!
KILLIAN: Let's go!
*they teleport out*
*the others look around*
AND ... ONCE AGAIN ... THE END
BREE: Is that the end?
ROBBIE: *irritated* Yes! It's the end! It says it right up there!
BREE: I love you, Robbie.
ROBBIE: I love you, too.
*insert makeout session*
JEFF: Squeak! *TRANSLATION: That's incredibly disturbing*
BILL: Squeal! *TRANSLATION: I don't mind!*
*they teleport out*
FOR REAL THIS TIME ... FIN