Disclaimer: The comments in ( ) are author's notes. They shouldn't affect the story, but they're a good read ;). By the way, one of Robbie's comments comes from Legendary Frog's "One Ring" Series. If you've seen it, you'll understand. If you haven't ... never mind. Luv you all lots, and review!!! Review!!! BTW, apparently the asterisks won't work anymore on this or any other computer, so we've put them in [ ].
"The Cruise"
[Scene: the docks. The gang, minus Hunter, are gathered around the
docks.]
MORGAN: Why did Hunter change the meeting place?
SKY: Don't ask me. I don't know how his mind works.
MORGAN: [to herself] NO ONE knows how his mind works. I'm still trying
to figure out that obsession with the scones ...
SKY: SCONES??? WHERE??? [pause] Um, that would be my impression of
Hunter. If he were here ... which he's not.
KILLIAN: [teleports in] Did someone say scones?
MORGAN: No. Go away.
KILLIAN: [droops sadly and teleports out]
HUNTER: [walks up] Hi, guys! I guess you're wondering what we're doing
here.
ROBBIE: Yeah! What ARE we doing here?
HUNTER: Yeah, well ... since our house was ... blown ... apart ... by a
tornado ... we sort of have to meet somewhere else for a while.
MORGAN: Tornado, huh? That's interesting. [whistles innocently] [gets
stares] What? It wasn't my fault. The hormones told me to.
BREE: That's what you get for messing with a girl when she's PMSing.
HUNTER: Anyway, since our last vacation was sort of messed up, I was
wondering if you guys would want to go on another one.
SKY: Sure.
RAVEN: Sounds fun.
MORGAN: Yeah.
BREE: We should go on a cruise!
HUNTER: [to himself] Oh, no, please not the water ...
MORGAN: Yeah! A cruise!
ROBBIE: That sounds fun!
BREE: My dad can pay for it. As a matter of fact, he was thinking of
buying his very own cruise ship.
SKY: Or we could just go on a normal cruise. We don't need a private
ship.
RAVEN: One with hot staff guys. [pause as Sky glares daggers at her]
Um ... that's not what I meant.
HUNTER: Will it have a buffet?
BREE: Sure.
HUNTER: WITH SCONES???
BREE: [a little weirded out as Morgan just shakes her head] Um, sure.
HUNTER: [excitedly] YES! SCONES!!! THIS IS GREAT!!! This is the best
vacation ever! [thinks to himself] Even though it's in ... water ...
[Scene: the docks again. The gang is about to board the cruise ship.]
HUNTER: [wearing a Hawaiian shirt and lei, looking like a complete
tourist] So, which one's our ship?
BREE: [points to the biggest ship of them all (I mean, this ship was
BIG)] That one.
HUNTER: [standing in stupefied awe of the big ship] Wow ...
ROBBIE: Ah, yes, the one biggest ship. But is it the one ship TO RULE
THEM ALLLLLL???? [laughs maniacally] [Bree slaps him] Sorry, Bree.
ALISA: [walks up] Thanks for inviting me on the cruise, you guys!
MORGAN: We didn't invite you.
ALISA: [ignores her] Ooh, this is going to be so much fun! I was just
telling Mary K and all of my other little girly friends about this
last night and they were so excited and they want me to bring them
souvenirs and I can't wait to go swimming and I can't wait to play
shuffleboard and I can't wait to eat at the buffet and –
HUNTER: BUFFET!!!!!!
MORGAN: [to the others] Who invited her? I didn't invite her? Did you
invite her?
BREE: I didn't invite her.
ROBBIE: I didn't invite her.
RAVEN: I didn't invite her.
SKY: I didn't invite her.
[they all glare at Hunter]
HUNTER: [smiling stupidly] The more the merrier!!!
MORGAN: [shakes her head and mumbles to herself] Sorry, guys.
BREE: Hey, don't be sorry for us. You're the one dating him. [pause]
Why is that, again?
MORGAN: [even longer pause] You know, I ... really ... don't ... know ...
HUNTER: [sniffles pathetically]
MORGAN: [quickly] Anyway, let's get on the cruise ship before it
leaves. [they board the ship (the really BIG ship)]
[Scene: the ship. They are on it. (May I just clarify that this is a
really BIG ship? ... Yes, we know that! Stop!... Sorry)]
[Kristin, Lindsey, and Mike are on the ship, looking out over the
water]
KRISTIN: The water is really blue.
LINDSEY: Big water! Big water!
MIKE: What's with her?
KRISTIN: I'm not sure. She's been saying that all week. [to herself]
Why do I hang out with these losers?
MIKE: Because we're dark brother and sisters?
KRISTIN: [pause] Oh, yeah. That pesky thing. [longer pause] You guys
are probably the reason that I never got to hang out with anyone else.
And that I didn't get into Harvard. Or Columbia. Or Yale. Or JMU. Or
George Mason. Or anything.
MIKE: Just because we accompanied you to all of your interviews and
darkly sabotaged your resumes to make it appear that you got D's in
every single class, even Basic Skills –
KRISTIN: I KNEW THAT IT WAS YOU!!!! I WAS NEVER EVEN IN BASIC
SKILLS!!!
MIKE: [terrified] Lindsey put me up to it!
LINDSEY: Big water, big water, I did not, big water, big water, big
water!
MIKE: [mumbling] Traitor to the darkness!
[Kristin and Mike continue to squabble while the gang arrives on the
ship and sees their strange 'friends'. Their mouths drop in shock as
to their fellow cruise-mates. While they are all arguing, Lindsey
still watches the ocean]
LINDSEY: Big water! Big water! Big water! Big – [a humongous tsunami
suddenly crashes into Widow's Vale, killing everyone]
MIKE: [pause] Oh, that's why she's been doing that.
LINDSEY: ... I knew it was coming.
KRISTIN: OR DID YOU CALL IT?? I TOLD YOU NOT TO USE YOUR MAGICK FOR WEATHER WORKING!
LINDSEY: Hey! I didn't do that! And the tornado wasn't me either!
MORGAN: [changes the subject quickly] Soo ... what are the three of you
doing here? I didn't know that you could afford a cruise.
MIKE: We can't.
MORGAN: [pause] Then ... what are you doing here?
MIKE: [ominously] We are always here.
SKY: Oh, please don't start that crap again. Exactly HOW did you get
here?
LINDSEY: [avoiding the question] Hey, look! It's Jeff! [races after
the squirrel that has scampered onto the deck]
KRISTIN: [avoiding the question as well] Um, yes, well ... I have to go
alphabetize my guinea pigs. Goodbye! [runs away quickly]
MIKE: Jolly good! Now that they're gone, we can get down to dark
business.
HUNTER: What business? You'd better not do anything funny, Mister! I'm
... [dramatic pause] with the Council!
MIKE: [pause] Yeah ... so? [walks off to do dark things]
BREE: We've been on the ship for four minutes and it's already getting
weird. This has to be a record.
ALISA: [skipping away on the deck] Ooh! Shuffleboard! [goes to join
all of the old geezers playing shuffleboard]
ROBBIE: [snorting] Dorkus.
(To summarize the story ... the cruise continued and went all the way
around the tip of South America into the Pacific Ocean, where Alisa
contracted malaria but was reluctantly cured by Morgan. We join them
now on the cruise ship. Hunter is at the buffet. The others are on the
deck)
HUNTER: Oh, I KNEW they would have scones!!!!!! [stuffs his face full
of inhuman amounts of scones]
MORGAN: [up on the deck] He's been in there the whole time. [whines] I
feel unloved!
BREE: I don't even want to think about how many saturated fats are in
all of those scones.
SKY: HEY!!! DON'T DISS THE SCONES!!! [pause] Sorry.
RAVEN: Everywhere we go, Sky, you embarrass me.
SKY: [seductively] Well, I can't embarrass you when we're alone.
RAVEN: [gets it] Ohh ... [they run off to do Goddess knows what]
BREE: [seductively to Robbie] You know, Robbie, they've given me an
idea ...
ROBBIE: [not getting it] Yeah! We should go swimming!
BREE: Um, SO not what I meant. [they walk off, leaving Morgan alone.
(Forever ... mwahahahahahaha ... shut up, you dorkus)]
MORGAN: [cries] (I wasn't being serious ... you're more of a dorkus than
I am ...) Aah! The ceiling is talking! I'm scared!
KRISTIN: [walking up] There are no ceilings on the deck of a cruise
ship.
MORGAN: Oh, dear.
ALISA: [playing shuffleboard with old people] HAHAHAHA! Yes!! I win!
Take that, Granny!
KRISTIN: Has she stopped playing shuffleboard at all in the last 72
hours?
MORGAN: I don't think so. [Alisa suddenly keels over, unconscious]
KRISTIN: LINDSEY! WHAT DID YOU DO?
LINDSEY: [shows up out of nowhere] It wasn't me. It was Mike!
MIKE: [shows up out of nowhere] It was SO you! [Lindsey stares at him
for an excessively long period of time] [pause] Traitor.
KRISTIN: Mike, stop making people keel over. It's not very nice.
[later, they're all hanging out at the pool. Alisa is still
unconscious. Hunter, in his Hawaiian jams, is attracting the stares of
many people]
HUNTER: Ha! Look how popular I am! I must be so cute!
MORGAN: Sure, Hunter. As long as you believe that.
RAVEN: [laughing at Hunter] Ha ha, what a dork! What an idiot! Hey,
Hunter, you're a loser! [Sky glares at her, but then relents and they
all laugh hysterically at Hunter's expense. Hunter is, as always,
oblivious]
HUNTER: It's great that everyone's in such a good mood!
MORGAN: Yeah. They're laughing with you, not at you. [giggles]
HUNTER: Like, whatever. I'm going back to the buffet. [leaves,
whistling cheerfully] Scones, scones, my, how I love the scones ...
LINDSEY: [pops in] Has anyone seen Jeff?
MORGAN: You lost him?
LINDSEY: No. He goes places. I'm never sure quite where he is.
BREE: [in her cabin, shrieking] WHAT IS THIS SQUIRREL DOING IN MY
BATHING SUIT????
LINDSEY: That's where he went! [Bree comes out of her cabin, holding
her bikini, in which is nestled a cute little squirrel] Hey, that's
not Jeff! That's Bill!
BREE: Whoever the hell this is, get rid of him!
LINDSEY: Bill, what were you doing in Bree's swimsuit?
BILL: [chirps in squirrel-speak]
LINDSEY: [disgusted] Oh, my Goddess! You little pervert! TMI! TMI!
ROBBIE: What did he say?
LINDSEY: Let's just say that you've got competition for Bree's
affections.
BREE: [shivers]
BILL: [chirps angrily]
LINDSEY: He says that he never really liked you anyway.
BREE: [insulted] Hey! I'm very likable!
KRISTIN: [comes up] Has anyone seen Mike around?
MORGAN: No, and that's what worries me.
KRISTIN: Oh, he'll show up sooner or later. He always does. [a shriek
echoes from the kitchens]
HEAD CHEF: [in a French accent] VAT IZ THIZ VODENT DOING IN MY
KITCHEN? [Jeff comes running out of the door; Head Chef chases him
with a butcher's knife]
LINDSEY: [furiously] Hey! That's the eleventh commandment! THOU SHALT
NOT HURT THE JEFF! [throws witch-fire at the head chef and kills him
instantly]
[pause]
MORGAN: You do realize that, now that the head chef is dead, we'll be
eating canned ravioli for the rest of the cruise.
LINDSEY: Oh, don't worry. Mike can cook.
SKY: [horrified] Cook WHAT?
KRISTIN: It's best not to question his ingredients. Just eat it. It's
good. Most of the time.
RAVEN: Where is he, anyway?
SKY: WHY DO YOU CARE???
RAVEN: [coughs] No reason.
MORGAN: Maybe we'd better go look for him. [they all go off in
separate directions, searching for the Mike. They all convene at the
pool again later]
KRISTIN: Did NOBODY find him?
LINDSEY: Bill found the women's bathroom. And Jeff found cheese.
KRISTIN: That's not what I asked for.
LINDSEY: I LIKE CHEESE! WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?
MORGAN: Okay, so we have a missing Mike on our hands.
MIKE: [appears] What is up, my people? I hope you're all having a
jolly good, and yet dark, day.
[all just shake their heads]
[Jeff and Bill suddenly disappear]
MORGAN: Where did Jeff and Bill go?
LINDSEY: They said something about going to the buffet for food.
[all hear screaming coming from the buffet. They all look at each
other before racing to the buffet, where the cruise-goers are running
around, screaming, while Hunter, in his ever-so-innocent state,
continues to eat his scones]
HUNTER: [still singing] Scones, scones, I love my scones, more than
cake and ice cream cones ...
MORGAN: What about me?
HUNTER: What ABOUT you?
MORGAN: [sniffles angrily] Fine, then! That's it! [blows up the
buffet with witch-fire, thus disintegrating all of the scones]
[dramatic chord]
HUNTER: [in shock] My ... my ... my ... my ... scones? Scones? [starts to wail
like a baby] SCOOOOOOONES!!!!! MY SCONES!!!!!!!
MORGAN: [drags him away by the ear, kicking and screaming] Come on,
Hunter. You've embarrassed me enough today. Don't make a scene.
HUNTER: But my scones and I ... we had unfinished business ... my scones ...
scones ... [sniffles]
SKY: [sighs] We have got to get him off of this craze.
RAVEN: I thought that you liked scones, too.
SKY: SCONES??? WHERE???
RAVEN: You dork. [meanwhile, Lindsey scolds Jeff and Bill]
LINDSEY: You stupid squirrels! How could you do this? You promised me
that you would never incite the destruction of a buffet table after
what happened last time!
JEFF / BILL: [squeak excuses]
LINDSEY: I don't want to hear it! You're grounded!
JEFF / BILL: [droop sadly] [scamper off to Lindsey's cabin]
[Scene: later that night. Hunter is missing. No one really cares.
(hahahahahahaha...take that, Hunter) Sky walks into her bathroom to take
a shower and sees Hunter in a bubble bath with a rubber ducky and a
scrub brush.]
SKY: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BATHROOM???
HUNTER: [cheerfully] You've actually got shampoo! Morgan used all of
mine.
SKY: Do you even know what shampoo is?
HUNTER: Um ... the product of a shampoo tree?
SKY: I can't believe I'm related to you.
HUNTER: Mr. Ducky takes offense to that.
SKY: MR. DUCKY????
HUNTER: [points to the rubber ducky] He's my bathing buddy. You're
invading our personal privacy. Please leave.
SKY: Gladly. [as she is leaving, she sees Raven about to go into the
bathroom to take a shower] Wait! Believe me, you do NOT want to go in
there. [gets a confused look] Just don't.
[Scene: Morgan's room later. She is writing in her Book of Shadows and
about to go to bed when she hears Raven yelling something.]
RAVEN: [sounding pissed off] HEY!!! WHERE DID ALL OF MY SEX OILS GO???
HUNTER: [worried] Then that wasn't shampoo that I used ...
MORGAN: Ick.
[Scene: the deck later. The coven is talking at the pool.]
MORGAN: Why haven't we seen Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin in a while?
BREE: I don't know. They're probably just off doing something dark.
MIKE: [coming up behind them] You're darkly observant.
BREE: Um ... thanks? [looks around nervously] Is Bill anywhere nearby?
ROBBIE: WHY DO YOU CARE???
BREE: I DON'T WANT HIM NEAR ME!!!
ROBBIE: OH!!!
BREE: STOP YELLING AT ME!!!
ROBBIE: YOU'RE YELLING AT ME!!!
BREE: MY THROAT HURTS FROM ALL OF THIS YELLING!!!
MORGAN: THEN WHY DON'T YOU STOP YELLING???
BREE: [normal] Geez, Morgan, you don't have to yell. We're right next
to you.
MORGAN: [groans in frustration]
[suddenly, there is a huge crashing sound as the cruise ship (the
really big one) crashes headlong into a deserted island. The ship
sinks in a matter of minutes. Everyone dies, except the gang.
Unfortunately, Alisa and Hunter survived as well (sigh ... can't have it
all, I suppose). The gang is now stranded on the deserted island (dun
dun dun)]
MORGAN: Hey, where did Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin go?
HUNTER: Maybe they sank with the ship.
[mourning silence]
BREE: Or maybe they didn't.
[shudders all around]
ROBBIE: So now we're trapped here. On a deserted island. In the middle
of nowhere. With no food. Or water.
HUNTER: There's water all around us! [goes to cower behind a big rock]
MORGAN: Is he afraid of water?
SKY: It was a childhood incident. Don't expect me to elaborate.
MORGAN: I thought that he was still a child. He sure acts like one.
HUNTER: I DO NOT!!! WAAAAAHHH! I WANT MY MOMMY!!!! [runs off
somewhere. No one cares. Again]
BREE: So I guess that we should find a method of survival, considering
that we could be stranded here for the rest of our lives.
ALISA: I'm scared!
MORGAN: Shut up.
ALISA: I still don't like you.
MORGAN: I NEVER liked you!!! I didn't even invite you on this cruise!
ALISA: Like, whatever. I'm going to find something to eat. [wanders
off into the palm tree forest (The BIG palm tree forest)]
MORGAN: Does anyone else hear the sky talking?
SKY: I didn't say anything.
MORGAN: Not you! [sighs] Never mind.
ROBBIE: I don't want to be stuck here for fifty years with you guys! I
love you and all, but this island is only so big! [they all glare at
him] Um ... I love you guys?
BREE: [sobs] YOU TOLD ME I WAS THE ONLY ONE!!! [runs off into the
forest. Robbie runs after her]
ROBBIE: Bree! Wait! [they disappear into the foliage]
HUNTER: Lookie what I found! [holds out a coconut] Isn't she great?
MORGAN: Um ...
HUNTER: [talking to the coconut] Yes, you IS great!!! You're my
soulmate! I've finally found you!
MORGAN: [sobs] What about me?
HUNTER: I thought that you were my muirn beatha dan, Morgan, but I've
changed my mind. You see, this coconut is the only one who understands
me for who I really am.
RAVEN: A dork?
MORGAN: But Hunter ... you said that you would always love me! You said
that we would be together forever!
HUNTER: Who are you again?
MORGAN: [slaps him] I feel so unloved! [runs off into the forest,
wailing like a banshee]
COCONUT: [silence]
HUNTER: You tell her, Morgana!
SKY: MORGANA???
HUNTER: It's her name.
SKY: You mean the coconut's name?
HUNTER: It hurts her when you refer to her as 'the coconut'.
RAVEN: [rolls eyes]
SKY: [to Raven, slowly backing away from Hunter and his emanating
dorkiness] Maybe we should ... go ... find the others ... [they both run
away in fear from Hunter, who is too busy making googly eyes at his
coconut to notice that they have left]
[Scene: somewhere in the palm tree forest (the BIG palm tree forest).
Morgan, Robbie, and Bree are dancing around a bonfire with a dead
ferret roasting rotisserie-style on a skewer.]
MORGAN / ROBBIE / BREE: Ahhhh eeeaaahh eeaaaahh eahhhh!!! [bang tribal
drums while dancing]
[Sky and Raven walk into the forest and see them. They stare at them
for a moment before running away again. They run into Alisa]
ALISA: [brightly] Hey, guys!
SKY: Are you still looking for food?
ALISA: Yeah. I haven't found anything yet.
RAVEN: [points back towards Morgan, Robbie, and Bree's camp] There's
some that-a-way.
ALISA: [cheerfully] Okie dokie! [runs off in the direction of the
camp]
SKY: We shouldn't have done that.
RAVEN: But it was fun.
SKY: True, true ... let's go see what happens!
RAVEN: Okay! [they follow Alisa at a distance. When they return to the
camp, they see that Robbie, Bree, and Morgan have tied Alisa to the
skewer and are now roasting her rotisserie-style]
SKY: Did they already eat the ferret?
RAVEN: Where did they get a ferret, anyway?
SKY: [contemplative pause] I ... don't ... know ...
[as they pause, Morgan, Robbie, and Bree continue to dance around the
fire as Alisa is cooked to a crisp (icky)]
ALISA: Hey, something tickles ... [dies]
MORGAN / ROBBIE / BREE: Ahhhh eeeaaahh eeaaaahh eahhhh!!! [bang tribal
drums again and then devour Alisa whole]
SKY: Our friends have become cannibalistic.
RAVEN: So what are we doing here? [they both run off in the fear that
they might be eaten]
SKY: I wonder what made them turn into cannibals ...
RAVEN: Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe the total and complete LACK OF
FOOD???
[they see Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin walking through the forest]
SKY: Or maybe them ... [strides up to them angrily] Are you the ones
that made our friends turn into cannibals?
[Lindsey and Kristin both stare at Mike angrily]
MIKE: Hey, they did it of their own dark accord! [pause, then quietly]
I DID set up the rotisserie skewer, though. [still is stared at]
HEY!!! THAT'S REALLY CREEPY!!! STOP IT!!!
[Kristin stops. Lindsey doesn't. Mike runs. He is followed by Jeff]
SKY: Is Jeff joining Mike? [pause, then to herself] I can't believe
that I'm contemplating the allegiance issues of a squirrel.
LINDSEY: Well, it's more of a tracking device kind of thing.
KRISTIN: He makes sure that Mike doesn't do anything TOO dark. Like
try and take over the world. [to herself] Again.
SKY: CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO THE ISSUE AT HAND, WHICH IS THAT OUR
FRIENDS ARE NOW KILLING EACH OTHER AND WE STILL HAVE NO WAY OFF OF
THIS ISLAND?
KRISTIN: We could teleport you out.
SKY: We have to go back and get Hunter first. [they all go and find
Hunter with ... his ... coconut. Morgana. What a dork] Goddess, this thing
annoys me. [takes the coconut and throws it into the ocean]
HUNTER: MORGANA!!! [runs off into the ocean to find Morgana. Gets
eaten by a shark. Dies]
[all stare at Lindsey]
LINDSEY: It's not Maurice. I don't know that guy.
SHARK: Hey! I know Maurice! He's my cousin!
LINDSEY: Oh! You must be Filbert! He mentioned you on his last visit!
[Lindsey and the shark begin to converse in shark-speak while the
others back away slowly and teleport out without her noticing them]
KRISTIN: [teleports back in, grabs Lindsey, and leaves again]
FILBERT: Rude much?
[Scene: Morgan, Robbie, and Bree's camp. They are done devouring
Alisa, nothing of which remains. Not even a skeleton. Mike arrives.]
MIKE: I think they're onto us.
MORGAN: Ah, well. It's not like any of them can stop us.
ROBBIE: Yeah. We're forming a new country. Screw New York.
BREE: Will you be our king, Mike?
MIKE: Sure. But what is our country called?
MORGAN: How about ... um ... MikeMorganBreeRobbie-Land?
MIKE: Sure! [teleports himself in a crown and throne] I, Mike, single
ruler and dictator for life of MikeMorganBreeRobbie-Land ... how about
just the Republic of MMBR?
MORGAN: [looking at him all stupid-like] What does that stand for?
MIKE: Um ... Morgan Must Be Roasted?
[they all close in on Morgan and proceed to roast her, rotisserie-
style, on the dark skewer]
HERE ENDS THE PARODY