Disclaimer: It's great to be back after a month of no access to my computer ... [sighs in relief] I was going through withdrawal ... anyway, I wrote this when I was very bored, so it might not make sense all of the time. Anyway, read it and review! [sobs] I missed you guys! Love you all!

A SWEEP CHRISTMAS

[Scene: the Rowlands house at Christmastime (yes, Christmas, not Yule). Morgan bounds excitedly down the hall, which is decked with boughs of holly.]

MORGAN: [singing off-key] Deck the halls with boughs of holly! Fa la la la la, la la la la!

MARY K: I thought that you didn't believe in Christmas anymore.

MORGAN: Just because I don't believe in Jesus doesn't mean that I don't want to celebrate Christmas, which has since the aforementioned man's birth become not a religious holiday, but a celebration of consumerism and the big business endeavors of Wal-Mart and Toys 'R Us.

MARY K: [making a new entry in her '101 Things That My Sister Will Go To Hell For' List'] December 22: Morgan issued a blatant insult against and questioned the authority of Wal-Mart.

MORGAN: [ignoring her] Hey, Mom, is it okay if some of my friends invited me to a ... um ... [thinks about Kithic's Yule party] Christmas celebration tomorrow?

MRS. ROWLANDS: Of course, honey! Will the friends all be of the non-Wiccan variety?

MORGAN: [sensing the poison behind her mother's words] Um, yes?

MRS. ROWLANDS: [nods eerily] Good. [cheers up] Will you be exchanging gifts?

MORGAN: [spazzes suddenly as she remembers that Kithic had decided to do a Wiccan version of Secret Santa] Oh, no! I've got to go shopping! [runs out, jumps in Das Boot, and heads to the mall]

[Scene: the mall. Morgan wanders through the crowds of Christmastime shoppers and, unable to remember who she picked to be her Secret Santa, decides to get a gift for everyone.]

MORGAN: Hmmm ... what to get for Hunter? As he is my boyfriend and soulmate, it must be something special. [sees a toy store] Perfect! [runs in, buys a Barney the Dinosaur stuffed animal, and leaves] Well, there's one down! Sky is next ... [thinks for a moment] [briefly considers a $50 gift certificate to Hooters] [wisely chooses a large spellbook of moon magick from Barnes & Noble instead] Now Robbie and Bree ... [gets Bree a gift card to Abercrombie & Fitch and a lifetime supply of acne medicine for Robbie just in case his acne should ever start acting up again] Okay! Cool! Now what would Raven like? [sees a leather outfitter] Wow, it's just my lucky day today, isn't it? [gets Raven a new leather jacket as Hunter used her old one to snuff out a wild candle fire at Kithic's last circle] [shudders at that frightening memory] Now Alisa ... [she sees something in the middle of the kiddy play place]

ALISA: [riding on a toy horse] Wheeee! I'm the queen of the world! [falls off]

MORGAN: [pause] Okay, Killian's turn! [buys him the gift certificate to Hooters that she previously considered giving Sky, figuring that he will get more use out of it] Hmmm ... I guess that I should get Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin something because they're my cousins ... [as if on cue, Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin pop in unexpectedly]

MIKE: I'd like a dark life-size replica of Monstro, the Demon of Eternal Fire.

KRISTIN: I want to get away from these two weirdoes!

LINDSEY: I want another squirrel! And Jeff and Bill need new squirrel leashes. [they pop out]

MORGAN: [shrugs] Okay. [buys everything that they asked for] [is unable to aid Kristin's request for liberation from her deranged siblings] [compromises by buying her a new stereo, as Lindsey ruined her last one by letting Jeff and Bill DJ at a squirrel hoedown] Okay, I think that's everyone. Except ... well, I should probably get something for Mom, Dad, and Mary K. [sees a cart selling fish sticks and biscuits] Or not! Food! Mine! [races over to the cart and eats all of the food there]

CART OWNER: Hey, missy, them's my fish sticks and biscuits!

MORGAN: I'll give you this gift certificate for Hooters if you'll make me more.

CART OWNER: Done and done! [makes her more fish sticks and biscuits, then races over to Hooters to get a lap dance]

MORGAN: [checks her watch] Oh, my good golly goodness! I promised Hunter that I would come over for dinner tonight! [sees a teleporter watch in the store window] Perfect! [pushes the big button to teleport to Hunter's house]

[Scene: Hunter's house. He is making dinner in the kitchen and pauses slightly. Then ...]

HUNTER: MORGAN!!! [runs to the door and opens it before Morgan even has a chance to knock] Hi, Morgan! [shyly] Do you love me?

MORGAN: Um ...

HUNTER: [eyes start to fill with tears]

MORGAN: Of course I do!

HUNTER: [pumps his fist in the air in jubilation] Yes! I have a girlfriend!

MORGAN: Hunter, we've been dating for over a year!

HUNTER: [stupidly] We have?

MORGAN: [hears angry yelling coming from the basement] Is that Sky?

HUNTER: [nervously] Um, no?

MORGAN: [sternly] Hunter ...

HUNTER: [meekly] I just tied her up and shoved her under the hot water heater in the basement so that we could have privacy, my love!

MORGAN: [shocked] You couldn't have just asked her to spend the night at Raven's???

HUNTER: Who's Raven?

MORGAN: [has a creepy thought] Hunter, do you have amnesia?

HUNTER: Who's Hunter? Is my name Hunter? [gasps] It is, isn't it? Man alive, why do I have such a STUPID name?

MORGAN: I always rather liked it. [pause] But, then, I'm going to name my future daughter Moira, so ... [shrugs]

SKY: [yelling from the basement] WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME OUT FROM UNDER THIS HOT WATER HEATER?

HUNTER: [sends a witch message] Raven, Sky is in trouble. Please come rescue her so that Morgan and I can have a romantic nighttime getaway.

MAN BY RETURN WITCH MESSAGE: [babbles in Chinese]

HUNTER: [calling down to Sky] Sky, I think that Raven is cheating on you again. Some guy answered her witch messages.

SKY: [sounding outraged] WHAT?

MORGAN: Hunter, because you didn't know who you were sending the message to, you sent it to someone in China. [sighs] What a doofus.

RAVEN: [rushes in through the door without bothering to say hi] [runs down to the basement]

MORGAN: Things just seem to happen randomly around here.

HUNTER: I know. It's quite odd. Just a few minutes ago, this blonde girl was chasing a bunch of squirrels through my kitchen, and then this brunette tried to get her to stop, and then this blonde guy with shaggy hair stole all of my black candles and cinnamon muffins.

MORGAN: You have muffins? Where? Where are the muffins? TELL ME! [manages to control herself] Okay ... [looks closely at Hunter] Geez, Hunter, what happened to you? Why did you lose your memory?

SKY: [having been rescued from the clutches of the basement by Raven] He hit his head on the hot water heater when he stuffed me under it. [points at him] You and I, mister, are going to have a very extensive talk.

RAVEN: And can I just say, if you EVER do anything like that to her again, I'll tell everyone about that time that I saw you crying over a 7th Heaven rerun. [grins as Morgan and Sky burst out laughing] Oops, I just did, didn't I? [to Morgan] Personally, I can't see why you're dating the guy.

MORGAN: [pauses, then shrugs] Yeah, you're right. We should just ship him off to the funny farm.

[Scene: the funny farm. Hunter is sitting in the middle of a cornfield surrounded by pigs and cows.]

HUNTER: Great. Just great.

[Scene: Kithic's Christmas ... erm, Yule party. Everyone is concerned when Hunter doesn't show up.]

SHARON: Thank goodness. I was hoping he wouldn't show.

MORGAN: Well, maybe 'concerned' isn't the right word.

SKY: [now the leader] Who wants to do the Secret Santa exchange?

ALL: Me!

SKY: Okay, cool. Morgan, do you want to go first?

MORGAN: [nervously] Um, no?

SKY: Fine, I will. I had Robbie. [hands him a gift]

RAVEN: Just as a question, you still got something for me, right?

SKY: Of course.

RAVEN: [sighs in relief]

ROBBIE: Oh, cool! An all-day pass for thirteen people to King's Dominion!

SKY: I was sort of hoping that you would invite the rest of us, too. However, since Hunter is busy at the moment, there's room for someone else.

KILLIAN: [sticks his head in through the door] Can I come?

SKY / RAVEN: No!

KILLIAN: [droops and leaves]

ROBBIE: Anyway, I had Raven. [hands her a box]

RAVEN: [opening the box to find a really sharp sword] Oh, my God! Wow! Robbie, where did you get this? [Bree preens on her chair, clearly jealous of the attention that Robbie is getting]

ROBBIE: [modestly] Well, I remembered that you said you liked medieval stuff, and this is an antique sword that I ... um ... stole from the history museum in New York City.

RAVEN: Really? [Robbie nods] Cool! [gets glares from Sky] Anyway, I had ... um ... [nervously] Jenna.

JENNA: [glares at her]

RAVEN: So I got her a $500 gift certificate to the mall in a please-forgive-me-for-stealing-your-boyfriend gesture. [looks hopefully at her]

JENNA: Really? $500? [Raven nods] Well, of course I forgive you. Matt's an ass, anyway.

MATT: Hey!

JENNA: Oh, don't try to deny it.

MATT: [starts to deny it, considers it, and then nods in consent]

JENNA: I had Thalia, and I got her a personally autographed and framed photo of Coco Chanel.

THALIA: [practically fainting] How did you get that? [squeals excitedly]

JENNA: My mom worked with her before I was born.

BREE: [very interested] Really???

THALIA: Wow! Cool! Thank you so much! [pause, then tosses something at Matt] I had Matt the Ass. No need to explicate.

MATT: [holds up his present, which is a T-Shirt that says "Matt the Ass" on it] [sarcastically] Gee, thanks, Thalia.

THALIA: [still giggling over her autographed photo of Coco Chanel] You're welcome!

MATT: Um, yeah. Well, I had Sky. [gives her a huge set of books]

SKY: [gasps] Volumes 1-10 of Burkeshardt's Compendium of Magickal Rituals, Spell Components, Custard Recipes, and Gems & Crystals? Thank you! [giggles] Matt the Ass.

MATT: [huffs in silence]

SKY: Anyway, I already did mine, so Bree, why don't you go next?

BREE: Okay. Um, I had Sharon. [gives her a humongous bead set] I know how much you love your jingly bracelets, so –

SHARON: Thank you, Bree! This is great! I can make hundreds of new ones with this. [to Ethan] Isn't that great, sweetie?

ETHAN: [just groans irritably]

SHARON: Um, yes, well, I had Ethan, to whom I just spoke and by whom I was just rejected. [gives him a humongous bag of green jellybeans] I know how you love them so.

ETHAN: [not amused] Hardy har har. I had Simon, and since I don't really know anything about him, I just got him a gift certificate to Harley Davidson. [Simon gives a little shriek, grabs the gift card, and runs out the door]

SKY: Hey, he left his gift behind. The tag says 'Alisa'.

ALISA: [going into happy seizures] Oh, my goodness! I got a present? I GOT A PRESENT??? [squeals and grabs the package, ripping the paper off] [discovers that it's a 'My Little Pony' doll]

BREE: [sympathetically] Oh, hon, don't worry. It's the thought that counts.

MORGAN: Yeah. I'm sure you can exchange it for something.

ALISA: Are you guys, like, crazy? This is the best gift ever! [starts to play with the pony doll]

ALL: Okay ...

ALISA: Oh, by the way, I had Bree. Here. [hands her a box and goes right on playing with her pony doll]

BREE: Um ... [opens the package to find a brunette Barbie with a prom dress]

ALISA: [cheerfully] See? She looks just like you! And her shoes are to die for! [anxiously] Do you like it? Do you like it? Do you like it?

BREE: Um ... of course I do. It's wonderful.

ALISA: Yay! I have a friend now!

BREE: Don't count on it. [Alisa is too lost in the happy to hear her]

SKY: Well, has everyone gone? [Morgan tries to hide in her chair] Wait, Morgan didn't go! As Hunter is the only one left and he's not here, you must have had him and he must have had you.

MORGAN: Oh ... right. That makes sense.

SKY: So what did you get him?

MORGAN: Um ... [shows everyone the Barney stuffed animal]

SKY: Oh, that's great. He'll love it.

MORGAN: [surprised] Really?

SKY: Totally. He went through a Barney phase just like every other little kid. Trouble was, it lasted until he was fifteen.

MORGAN: [gasps] Really? That's creepy! [grins] How long did yours last?

SKY: Two days. I realized early on that watching a man constantly high on ecstasy pretending to be a dinosaur and singing songs is not entertainment.

MORGAN: Good for you. anyway, I couldn't actually remember who I picked, so –

BREE: [shocked] WHAT?

ROBBIE: MORGAN, HOW COULD YOU?

JENNA: YOU VIOLATED THE SANCTITY OF SECRET SANTA!

SHARON: HOW COULD YOU FORGET?

ALISA: MY PONY IS HUNGRY!

ETHAN: FORGETTING YOUR SECRET SANTA IS THE WORST CRIME EVER!

SKY: IT'S PUNISHABLE BY DEATH IN BANGKOK!

RAVEN: LET'S BURN HER!

BREE: BURN THE WITCH!

ROBBIE: BURN THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!

MORGAN: [now very scared] Um, guys, it's okay. Because I couldn't remember, I bought something for everyone.

ALL: [pause] Okay! Cool! [Morgan hands out her presents and everyone is happy. Aw. Alisa didn't even get something from Morgan, but she was happy playing with her pony toy all the same]

ALISA: Hey, guys, you want to take turns playing with Miss Sparkly Stars?

ALL: No!

ALISA: Hey, guys, you want to take turns playing with Miss Sparkly Stars?

ALL: [more agitated now] No!

ALISA: Hey, guys, you want to take turns playing with Miss Sparkly Stars?

SKY: [very frustrated] That's enough! [kills Alisa with witch-fire]

MORGAN: Thank you! [pause] I also got something for Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin, but they didn't show up, so I guess I can't give them their gifts. [as if on cue ...]

LINDSEY: To save the world from devastation!

KRISTIN: To unite all covens within our nation!

LINDSEY: To denounce the evils of truth and love!

Kristin: To extend our reach to the Goddess above!

LINDSEY: Lindsey!

KRISTIN: Kristin!

LINDSEY / KRISTIN: Coven Amyranth blast off at the speed of light! Surrender now or prepare –

MORGAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know. Prepare to fight.

LINDSEY: [pause] Actually, we changed it. Now, it's "Prepare ... to dance!"

[music starts playing from out of nowhere and Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin start dancing to "Jingle Bells". The coven looks at each other, shrugs, and start dancing and getting in touch with the Christmas ... erm, Yule spirit]

ALISA: [suddenly alive again, playing with Miss Sparkly Stars] I'm so pretty, I'm so pretty, I'm so pretty ... [dies yet again as a piece of the roof falls on her]

HUNTER: [pounding on the windows from outside] [no one can hear him] Hey, guys! Let me in! Let me in! [screams suddenly and runs off as a bunch of pigs and cows that escaped from the Funny Farm chase after him]

THUS ENDS THE WONDERFUL TALE OF SWEEP: A CHRISTMAS STORY