Disclaimer: This new chapter is nice and long for all you loyal readers who would maybe still read this after so long. We're sorry. Please forgive us. BROWNIES! Um, yeah. We love you all and we're so sorry for the long wait. This is the first time we've been together for a while (once again, send money for plane tickets if you want more updates—or Flashplayer; that works, too). Look for us again tomorrow with another update … hopefully, that is. Um, yeah. Anything else? Nope, not really. Coolies! See you later! REVIEW!
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF MORGAN
(Scene: Morgan's bedroom in the morning before school. She is snoozing peacefully in bed when Mary K bangs on her door.)
MARY K: Morgan! Morgan, get up! We're going to miss the bus! (Morgan half-consciously throws a book at her) Ow! Hey, Morgan, come on! Das Boot is broken, remember? We have to catch the bus if we want to make it to school on time!
MORGAN: (mumbling, still skipping through Dreamland) Pink strawberry raspberries …
MARY K: (sighs, stalks into the room, and hits Morgan's head really hard)
MORGAN: Ow! (accidentally throws witch fire at Mary K)
MARY K: (now badly burned) (tearfully) Morgan, how could you? I'm your sister! (runs out of the room crying) (Morgan, now very much awake, feels bad) (Mary K pokes her head back in) I hate witches!
LINDSEY: (appears in Morgan's window) DON'T DISS THE WITCHES! (throws a plastic squirrel at Mary K, clonking her on the head)
MARY K: (cries and runs off)
MORGAN: (to herself) What a great way to start the day …
(Scene: the street outside Morgan's house. She is running to catch the bus, which is just about to leave.)
MORGAN: Wait! No! Don't leave! I'm only three minutes late! (the bus leaves. Morgan throws witch fire at one of the tires. The bus spins wildly on the road before coming to a stop as the tire deflates. The bus driver looks angrily at Morgan)
BUS DRIVER: What've you gone and done that for?
MORGAN: (whistles innocently) I didn't do anything. (climbs onto the bus and sits down) (to the other students on the bus) Well, come on, guys! Look cheerful! We'll be on time for school!
(they all glare at her as she remains blissfully unaware that she, due to her little mishap with blue crackly fire, just made them all miss first period)
(Scene: Morgan's Pre-Calculus room. She throws open the door and runs in late.)
MORGAN: (cheerfully) What's up, my fellow pupils? Ready to get them math gears a'turnin'? (they stare at her. The teacher stares at her. Morgan stares back)
TEACHER: Morgan, would you mind answering the hardest problem on the homework, considering that you just rudely interrupted my class?
MORGAN: (meekly) Um, no?
TEACHER: Well, that's too bad because you're going to answer it anyway. What was number 15?
MORGAN: (having forgotten to do the homework) Um … 42?
TEACHER: WRONG! HAHA! YOU'RE WRONG! THAT MEANS THAT YOU GET TO STAY AFTER SCHOOL FOR DETENTION! I LOVE GIVING DETENTION! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA - (the principal walks in) And so, after solving 4954x cubed times the square root of 23ab, we get 42.
MORGAN: I knew it!
TEACHER: (ignoring her) May I help you, Principal?
PRINCIPAL: I would like to speak to Morgan Rowlands. She was apparently involved in the crash of a school bus this morning.
MORGAN: You can't prove that was me!
PRINCIPAL: Oh, yes, I can. (holds up a picture of Morgan throwing witch fire at the bus tires)
MORGAN: (gasps) Wha – where did you get that?
(sees that Bree has a camera around her neck)
MORGAN: Bree!
BREE: (innocently) I'm taking photography this semester, and I needed pictures for my portfolio!
PRINCIPAL: Well, Morgan, as damaging school property is strictly forbidden by the school code, I'm going to have to expel you.
MORGAN: (…) Wha … wha … what? Ex-ex-expel me? B-B-B-But you can't! I have the best GPA of anyone in the whole school!
PRINCIPAL: No, you don't.
MORGAN: Who has a higher GPA than me?
RANDOM KID IN THE CORNER: Hi.
MORGAN: Oh, shut up. (pause, then runs out of the classroom and slams the door shut from the outside) Ha! You can't get out of the classroom! You can't expel me! (puts a locking spell on the door and mentally does it to the class windows, too, so that they are unbreakable) Well … what a wonderful day this has been! (strolls off happily as the bell for third period rings)
(Scene: Morgan's English classroom. Her class is reading Macbeth, and three of her classmates are pretending to be the infamous three witches.)
THREE "WITCHES": Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble!
MORGAN: (raises her hand)
TEACHER: Yes, Morgan?
MORGAN: I object to the largely stereotypical views portrayed in this play, for real witches are not old and warty and do not manipulate the reality of the universe simply for their own gain; on the contrary, real witches worship nature and are awed by its magnificent beauty. I, therefore, refuse to read Macbeth as it goes against my religious principles.
TEACHER: (stares at her)
MORGAN: (stares back)
TEACHER: I suggest that you take this issue up with Mr. Shakespeare, Morgan. Now get out your book and read along!
MORGAN: (pouts, then uses a hall pass to go to the bathroom. She pulls a candle, incense, and salt out of her backpack and fills up a cup with water from the sink, thus preparing her own little circle space in the bathroom) Hmm … now I need to think up a rhyme …
RANDOM GIRL: (walks in and stares at Morgan, who looks very strange standing there in the middle of the bathroom with all of her spell stuff)
MORGAN: (defensively) What?
RANDOM GIRL: (runs away)
MORGAN: (smiles in satisfaction and begins her spell) Hear the witch, hear her cry. Hear my words, hear the rhyme. Transport my current body and soul to another place and time.
(she poofs out of the bathroom and lands in Stratford-Upon-Avon in the 16th Century. A little baby cries in a crib)
CHURCH PRIEST: By the power vested in me by the Church of England, I hereby christen thee William Shakespeare!
MORGAN: (sighs) Not this far back! (she poofs out) (pause)
(poofs back in and sneaks up behind the priest)
MORGAN: (eerily) The witches come in the niiight!
CHURCH PRIEST: Aahhh! (faints)
MORGAN: Hehehe! (poofs out again)
(she lands in London)
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Greetings, good lady! I be William Shakespeare! And who art thou?
MORGAN: Um … I be … Morgan?
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: That name isn't British enough! I shall call thee … (falters) Um … (starts to sweat) Uh … (bursts out) Great beards of Oberon, I've never had such trouble coming up with a name before! (the proverbial light bulb flicks on) Oh! I'll call you Desdemona!
MORGAN: (disgusted) Ick! No!
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Juliet?
MORGAN: No!
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Ophelia?
MORGAN: No!
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: (pause) Ophelia?
MORGAN: (shrugs) Sure.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Splendid! Come, Ophelia! To the Globe Theater!
(they march off to the Globe Theater)
MORGAN: I had a question to ask you, but I – (sees Queen Elizabeth with her entourage about to enter the Globe Theater. Only …) BREE?
(as it ironically turns out, Bree was Queen Elizabeth in her past life)
MORGAN: Wow … this is weird.
(sees a blonde girl chasing a squirrel through the theater)
LINDSEY'S PAST LIFE: Stop! I command thee, Jeffery the Squirrel of Yore, to stop! All thy acorns doth belong to me! (they run off)
MORGAN: Wow, she was even obsessed with squirrels in her past life.
KRISTIN'S PAST LIFE: Hast thou seen a blonde maiden about yay-high with a squirrel in her company?
MORGAN: They went that-a-way.
KRISTIN'S PAST LIFE: Thank ye kindly. (walks off)
MIKE'S PAST LIFE: (flies up on a huge black dragon) Hast thou seen –
MORGAN: MIKE? You're here, too?
MIKE'S PAST LIFE: Aye, ma'am. My name is Michael. I am a knight in the Black Order of Darkness. I specialize in all things dark. I enjoy the dark.
MORGAN: I guess some things really don't change.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: (writing down everything that just transpired) Wonderful! This will make a magnificent play! So many strange characters!
MORGAN: I hope you're referring to Mike, Lindsey, and Kristin when you say 'strange'.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: (scribbling furiously) Are those their names? Wonderful! And you, Ophelia, shall have the honor of being the main character!
MORGAN: But you already wrote a play about a girl named Ophelia!
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: That matters not. (pause) What shall this play be about?
MORGAN: Um … the misadventures of a teenage time hopper?
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: Wonderful! Wonderful!
MORGAN: Oh, yeah! Now I remember what I was going to say to you! If you ever feel like writing a play about a guy named Macbeth and three witches … don't.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE: (pause) (shrugs) All right.
MORGAN: Yay! I guess I can go back to my time now. (poofs out and lands back in the bathroom) Hmm … I wonder if time has changed at all …
(goes back to her English classroom and sees her fellow classmates pretending to fly on black dragons)
MAKESHIFT MIKES: Fear me, ma'am! I am Michael, a knight in the Black Order of Darkness!
MORGAN: (to her teacher) What's the name of this play, again?
TEACHER: Morgan, we have been working on this play for weeks! It's called Ophelia and Michael, the Knight of the Black Order of Darkness, Go to The White Castle!
MORGAN: Hmm … would that be, by any chance, named after Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle?
TEACHER: Well, there is the eating of beef patties involved …
MORGAN: So totally whatever. (the lunch bell rings) Ooh, goody, lunch! The best class of the day!
(Scene: the cafeteria. The coven is eating lunch when an announcement comes over the PA system.)
ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention, students, would Morgan Rowlands please report to the principal's office? Would Morgan Rowlands please report to the principal's office?
BREE: Geez, Morgan, what did you do?
MORGAN: I don't know! (darkly) I thought I took care of that guy.
(she wanders off to the principal's office, still munching on her Doritos) (A/N: Yay! Doritos!)
MORGAN: I understand you wanted to see me?
SECRETARY: Actually, your brother is here to pick you up. Some kind of family emergency or something.
MORGAN: (eyes go wide) Brother? Emergency? What?
KILLIAN: (pops up) Hey, little sis! Ready to go?
MORGAN: Go where? What's this I hear about an emergency?
KILLIAN: Oh, it's probably nothing too serious. I got a message from Mike that he, Kristin, and Lindsey need our help.
MORGAN: They need professional help, not our help.
KILLIAN: Will you come or not?
MORGAN: (sighs) Against my better judgment … sure, why not?
(Scene: a cave in the middle of nowhere. Mike, Kristin, and Lindsey are huddled around a fire. Killian and Morgan teleport in.)
MORGAN: (pause as she absorbs her surroundings) Okay, what are we doing here? What's going on?
LINDSEY: It's not my fault!
KILLIAN: Would you please explain what's going on here?
KRISTIN: It's an interesting story, really …
LINDSEY: I repeat, it's not my fault!
MIKE: This is the only place that's safe.
MORGAN: Safe from what?
LINDSEY: All right, I'll tell the tale. I was sitting by the edge of one of our four indoor swimming pools at our mansion in the ghetto of Los Angeles eating a bag of Gummi Bears. I love Gummi Bears. Gummi Bears are good and yummy and sugary and tasty and –
KRISTIN: Back to the point, Lindsey.
LINDSEY: Right, sorry. Anyway, I was sitting there eating Gummi Bears in a completely it's-not-my-fault way, and then all of a sudden one of them pulled out a machine gun and ran off!
(pause)
MORGAN: What?
KILLIAN: Lindsey, have you taken your medicine today?
LINDSEY: My medicine isn't for hallucinations. My Gummi Bears came to life, I swear. To be certain I wasn't seeing things, I visited the nearest candy emporium and found that all of their Gummi Bear reserves were empty! The petrified storekeeper could only tell me that all of the Gummi Bears had ganged up on him, robbed the cash register, and run out the door to incite panic and chaos!
MIKE: We need you guys to help us join the fight against the dark side of the force.
MORGAN: I thought the fight was against Gummi Bears.
MIKE: That, too.
LINDSEY: Aren't we on the dark side of the force?
(silence)
MIKE: No. We walk the thin line between good and evil.
LINDSEY: Oh, yeah.
KILLIAN: Sure, why not? We'll help.
KRISTIN: We've been getting strong readings of dark magick coming from this address. (she pulls out a piece of paper)
MORGAN: Hey, this is right in Widow's Vale. Let's go now!
(they run off to Widow's Vale)
Scene: the street outside Hunter's house. They stare at his house in shock.
MORGAN: How could you guys not know that address was Hunter's house? Hunter would never enslave the world's Gummi Bears!
LINDSEY: Hey, you didn't know his address either!
MORGAN: (huffs in silence)
KRISTIN: Plus, we always teleport there. We find you guys by just showing up where you are. We didn't know his address.
MIKE: Can we just free the Gummi Bears so that I can get back to my other business? Which is dark.
KILLIAN: (leads the offensive up to the door, where he knocks politely) Come out of there, Hunter! We know you're in there!
HUNTER: Nobody's home.
MORGAN: Oh, okay, then! (skips off) (Lindsey pulls her back)
LINDSEY: How stupid are you? Okay, Killian, break down the door! (pause) No, wait, let me do it! (she kicks down the door and, in the process, takes the whole front side of the house with her)
KRISTIN: Maybe we should have let Killian do it.
KILLIAN: Are you bloody stupid? That was brilliant!
HUNTER: (sighs) Aww, how'd you guys get in? (they see that he has amassed a huge army of Gummi Bears in the living room)
MORGAN: Hunter, what are you going to do with all of these Gummi Bears?
HUNTER: TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION!
MORGAN: (pause) Um … does Sky know you're trashing her living room? (they hear muffled yells from the basement)
HUNTER: The bears have taken care of her.
KRISTIN: That's just creepy.
MIKE: Hunter, you know you're supposed to leave the world takeover schemes to us. You don't have the guts required to manage the world.
HUNTER: Of course I do! I've got a whole bunch of … um, guts.
LINDSEY: Right. Anyway, let's just get these enchanted Gummi Bears out of here. I want my poolside snack back! (pause) Hey, that rhymed! (the Gummi Bears point their machine guns at all of them) Well, this isn't good.
HUNTER: ATTACK!
MORGAN: Hunter! You're letting them attack me?
HUNTER: Well, Morgan, I love you, but … well, I'd rather have the whole world under my complete and utter control. I can make scones the official planetary food! Everyone will have to learn proper English!
KRISTIN: No! You fiend!
LINDSEY: I'll never say 'loo' instead of bathroom! You'll never get me! (teleports away)
KRISTIN: Well, now where's she gone?
MIKE: I suppose we have no choice but to surrender to the Gummi Bears.
KILLIAN: Surrender to a sugary treat? Impossible.
MIKE: Well, in case you haven't noticed, they've surrounded us.
MORGAN: True that is.
MIKE: Why are you talking like Yoda?
MORGAN: A spell I am under. Magickal powers the Gummi Bears have.
KRISTIN: Bad that is.
MIKE: You, too?
KRISTIN: No, I just love Yoda. (they teleport out of the way as the Gummi Bears open fire) (Morgan gets caught in the crossfire)
Scene: the cave. They all reappear back there … except for Morgan.
MIKE: Wait, where's Morgan?
KRISTIN: I thought you had her.
MIKE: I thought Killian had her.
KILLIAN: I thought Kristin had her.
KRISTIN: I thought Mike had her!
KILLIAN: This could go on for days. No one has Morgan. We must mourn her loss. (brief silence) And now we're done.
LINDSEY: (teleports in) I have reinforcements! (Jeff and Bill squeak happily)
KRISTIN: What good are they going to be?
LINDSEY: They like Gummi Bears! (she sends them off to Hunter's house) Now we just wait a bit … (they wait five seconds) They will have won by now. Let's see what happened. (they approach Hunter's house, which lays in ruins among smoldering flames)
JEFF: (squeaks from the sidewalk)
LINDSEY: Did you win?
BILL: (squeaks)
LINDSEY: Good. Very good. Is Hunter alive? (Bill and Jeff exchange guilty looks. Kristin sighs)
KRISTIN: Well, I guess he must be alive. You should have gotten him, guys.
BILL: (squeak) (Translation: "I'm sorry.")
LINDSEY: (pats him on the head) It's okay. You did your best. So … where did he go?
KRISTIN: Off to recruit more snack foods to his cause, maybe. I doubt that's the last we've heard of him.
(as if on cue, the street beneath them starts to quake as if a massive earthquake is heading right for them. They stare at the distance, where a giant shadow approaches. It's a giant Twinkie, and Hunter stands in front of it, victorious)
HUNTER: Haha! You may have foiled my Gummi Bear scheme, but you will not defeat the TWINKIE OF DEATH! Mwahaha!
ALISA: (walks out in front of the Twinkie of Death) Hey, guys, what's up? (the Twinkie of Death gives a mighty roar and eats her)
LINDSEY: Ew.
TWINKIE OF DEATH: (gives a moan of pain and dies from indigestion) (falls on Hunter, squishing him)
HUNTER: I'm still alive!
WRITER #2: Wait, that's not right. Rewind!
(the Twinkie of Death falls on Hunter again, squishing him even more this time)
HUNTER: Still … holding … on …
(an anvil falls from the sky and lands on top of the Twinkie. No more noise comes from Hunter)
KRISTIN: Thank goodness that's over.
LINDSEY: Wait, what did happen to Morgan? (they go back to the house to see if she's still there) (they find her squished under the porch)
MIKE: Hmm … she must have been hiding under there, and then the porch collapsed under the fury of Jeff and Bill's offensive.
KILLIAN: Makes sense to me. (they decide to take a trip to Cancun) (they are watching TV in their resort room when Lindsey realizes something)
LINDSEY: Hey, what happened to Sky? Last we heard of her, she was still in the basement. (they all look at each other and hurry back to New York, freeing Sky from the confines of the basement)
SKY: Why do bad things always happen to me?
LINDSEY: Well, this is the thirteenth chapter of Sweep: The Random Parodies. It had to be special. Thirteen is my lucky number.
SKY: I hate you.
LINDSEY: It's not my fault! (teleports out)
KRISTIN: Whatever. Roll the credits.
THE END
LINDSEY: Well, that's boring.
KRISTIN: What are you talking about?
LINDSEY: "The End." It's just so … confined to the box.
KRISTIN: Well, what do you propose we do?
LINDSEY: (whispers something in her ear)
KRISTIN: (gives her a strange look) No!
LINDSEY: Aww, come on, please?
KRISTIN: No! That's not even a real word!
LINDSEY: (droops)
KRISTIN: Oh … fine.
LINDSEY: Yay!
SPHOOZZLEFUZZ