"Porridge Moose"

Disclaimer: Okay, one of these lines is from Smallville. Just because. Yeah. And we don't have anything against orange juice. We just decided to use it. Just because. Yeah. We decided to make Lindsey like milk. Just because. Yeah. Oh, and we'll write a new chapter every time that Author #1 is allowed to come back and visit after she moved away, so if you want quicker updates, send us money so we can buy plane tickets. Or Flashplayer so we can make animated movies about Sweep. Just because. Yeah. What rhymes with orange juice? Porridge moose! Muy loco!

(Scene: Morgan's house. She walks down to the kitchen to eat breakfast when she sees Lindsey standing at her refrigerator, chugging a gallon of milk.)

MORGAN: What are you doing?

LINDSEY: We were out of milk. (teleports away with the milk)

MORGAN: Um … okay … now we have no milk! I'll just put orange juice on my cereal! (she dumps an entire bottle of orange juice on her cereal)

MARY K: (comes down and sees her pouring orange juice on her cereal) Um, Morgan, you know you get really weird when you drink orange juice, right?

MORGAN: (literally hopping up and down) (her eyes turn orange) Orange juice! Orange juice! Orange juice! Orange juice!

MARY K: Okay … um, Morgan, I think I should get you to a doctor.

MORGAN: I don't need a doctor! What I need is more orange juice! (she begins diving through the fridge like a maniac, searching for more orange juice) No! We're out of orange juice! (she attacks a grocery store and steals all of their orange juice)

MARY K: At least you remembered to wear a mask this time when you robbed a store for OJ.

MORGAN: (finally full of orange juice) Okay … that's enough orange juice for now. (pause) I'm going to go try out for the wrestling team!

MARY K: (stunned pause) What!

MORGAN: And I think I'll take the bus this morning. Get your own ride. (hops onto the bus)

RANDOM KID: Hey, I haven't seen you on the school bus in a while.

MORGAN: You know too much! (blows him up with witch fire)

EVERYONE ELSE: (scoots away from Morgan)

MORGAN: Yeah, that's right! Give me my personal space! … Or else! (just to prove her point, she blasts the bus driver and puts him in a coma)

AUTHOR #2: Foreshadowing … foreshadowing …

MORGAN: Foreshadowing what?

AUTHOR #1: (solemnly) We've said too much already.

MORGAN: Okay … um, anyway … I'm almost late for tryouts!

BREE: Tryouts for what?

MORGAN: The wrestling team.

BREE: Why are you joining the wrestling team?

MORGAN: Because … I can!

BREE: Okay … um, well, the announcements said that they were after school.

MORGAN: Oh. Okay, then.

BREE: Why are your eyes orange?

MORGAN: You know too much! (blows her up with witch fire)

ROBBIE: Hey! You just blew up my girlfriend!

MORGAN: Oh, well. Jennifer Aniston is single now, isn't she?

ROBBIE: (immediately leaves for Hollywood)

MORGAN: Another good deed for me today! Anywho, it's time for class! (she skips off to Algebra 2)

ALISA: Aren't you in Pre-Calc?

MORGAN: You know too much! (blows her up with witch fire) (Alisa manages to deflect it)

ALISA: Hey! I actually survived!

AUTHORS #1 and #2: (outraged) What? How did this happen!

ALISA: (gets struck with a bolt of lightning) (huge anvil drops on her ashes) (they are swept up by a tornado and dumped into the deepest trench of the deepest ocean)

AUTHOR #2: (sighs) That's better.

AUTHOR #1: You know, the Mariana Trench in the Pacific Ocean is the deepest trench of the deepest ocean.

MORGAN: Shut up! Let me continue with the story!

AUTHOR #2: (eerily) We control your destiny

AUTHOR #1: You're telling us to shut up?

MORGAN: (meekly) No?

AUTHOR #1 and #2: Okay, then. Onward!

MORGAN: Great. Now you've made me miss first period.

LINDSEY: (pops in with Kristin) We were just thinking of going to Hawaii. Want to come with us and skip the rest of the day?

MORGAN: Um … go on a trip? With you guys?

KRISTIN: I'll keep them in check, I promise.

MORGAN: Well … okay, then! Why not? (they take Kristin, Mike, and Lindsey's private jet to Hawaii) So … how did we get here in under five minutes?

MIKE: We took a shortcut.

MORGAN: Through what? A black hole?

LINDSEY: Actually, yes!

MORGAN: (sighs) (pause) Okay! Seems normal enough to me!

LINDSEY: (aside to Kristin and Mike) Did you guys notice that her eyes are orange?

KRISTIN: Yeah, and did you notice that she tried to blow up Alisa when she asked her about it?

MORGAN: What are you saying about me!

MIKE: Wouldn't you like to know!

MORGAN: (sniffs) Fine! If I'm not wanted here, I'll just go back to New York on my own! (pause) How do I get back?

MIKE: You could swim.

MORGAN: (not seeing a problem with that) Okay! (she dives into the ocean and takes off swimming)

KRISTIN: (sighs) Lindsey, we should have someone help her. Uncle Ciaran wouldn't be happy if we let her die. He still has big plans for her.

LINDSEY: (sighs) Fine! (snaps her fingers and starts yapping in shark-speak) (Translation: Maurice! We have a job for you!)

MAURICE: (yaps back in shark-speak) (takes off after Morgan)

MORGAN: (having reached the Panama Canal) I'm tired! (she turns around and starts to swim back) (she bumps into Maurice in the water) Ack! A shark!

MAURICE: (swallows her) (swims to New York) (spits her out on the beach)

MORGAN: Wow! I sure am glad I managed to escape from that one!

MAURICE: (says something indignant in shark-speak and swims off in a huff)

MORGAN: (looks at her watch) Oh, my gosh! I'm almost late for wrestling tryouts! (she runs to the school and just barely makes it) I'm here to try out for wrestling!

LINDSEY: Hey, Morgan! Are you here to try out for wrestling?

MORGAN: (confused) But … but … you were just in Hawaii! And I … and the shark … and … and … my brain hurts!

LINDSEY: Oh, yeah, about the shark … that was Maurice and you hurt his feelings! (whispers something to the wrestling coach)

COACH: Morgan, you'll be paired with Lindsey for tryouts.

MORGAN: Oh, no.

LINDSEY: (grins evilly) Uncle Ciaran just told us not to kill you or anything. He didn't say we couldn't kick your ass in wrestling!

MORGAN: (gives a squeal and runs away in fear) (Lindsey chases after her and kicks her ass) Wrestling isn't fun!

LINDSEY: Yes, it is!

MORGAN: Feel the wrath of the orange juice! (sprays orange juice out of the palms of her hands at Lindsey)

LINDSEY: (gets mad and sics the squirrels on her)

MORGAN: No! Squirrels! (runs away to Hunter's house for safety)

(Scene: Hunter's house. Morgan walks in to see Hunter running around the house in a football outfit.)

HUNTER: I'm going to try out for the football team!

MORGAN: What about me? Am I not important to you?

HUNTER: Well, I have to establish popularity somehow. Since you're not a cheerleader, I have to become popular somehow.

MORGAN: YOU DON'T EVEN GO TO MY SCHOOL!

HUNTER: That can be remedied. I never finished high school, so …

MORGAN: What? I'm dating a dropout?

HUNTER: Why are you eyes orange?

MORGAN: You know too much! (knocks him out with orange witch fire)

HUNTER: (keels over, unconscious)

SKY: Now what did you do that for? There are orange juice stains on the carpet!

MORGAN: Orange juice owns your soul! (runs off, laughing like a maniac)

AUTHOR #1: Wow, this doesn't make any sense at all.

AUTHOR #2: Does it ever?

AUTHOR #1: (sighs in consent) Yeah. Let's skip ahead to later that night, where Morgan finds herself in a strange state …

(Scene: Morgan's house. She is sleepwalking. She goes to Mary K's room.)

MARY K: (wakes up) Morgan, get out of my room!

MORGAN: (drools)

MARY K: Oh, right … you had orange juice this morning. I almost forgot … but that article in the paper about the grocery store being robbed of orange juice and nothing else reminded me. You're lucky Mom and Dad didn't see it. You would have been put in that correctional facility again.

MORGAN: (still asleep) (throws Mary K out the window)

MARY K: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah – (splat)

MORGAN: Must … eat … muffins … (goes down to the kitchen) (eats the telephone, thinking it's a muffin) (she sleepwalks over to Hunter's house in search of more muffins) Muffins … (she grabs the tray of brownies on the counter and walks around the house, eating them out of the tray)

HUNTER & SKY: (walk downstairs to find Morgan in their kitchen eating their brownies)

SKY: My brownies! Morgan, what are you doing here?

MORGAN: Mrumph.

HUNTER: Is that some foreign dialect? (tries to take the brownies away) Morgan, you know these aren't good for you.

MORGAN: (blows him up with witch fire) MY MUFFINS!

SKY: Morgan, these aren't muffins. They're brownies.

MORGAN: MINE! (levitates the tray of brownies in the air)

SKY: I didn't know you could levitate stuff.

MORGAN: Mrumph.

SKY: What does that mean?

MORGAN: Mrumph.

SKY: You're getting really annoying, you know.

MORGAN: Mrumph.

LINDSEY: (pops in and steals the brownies) (pops back out)

SKY: (sighs) Whatever.

MORGAN: (suddenly awake) What's going on? What am I doing here? Have you kidnapped me! Well … I need orange juice if I'm going to be kidnapped. (steals their orange juice and runs out the door) Ha! I'm free! (runs into a parked car)

SKY: (sighs and goes back to bed)

HUNTER: (suddenly alive again)

AUTHOR #2: Wait, why is he alive again? I liked him dead!

AUTHOR #1: Oh, fine. (Hunter dies again)

HUNTER: This doesn't seem fair. (falls over)

MORGAN: (yelling from outside) Give me more orange juice!

AUTHOR #2: No! You've had enough today!

MORGAN: (starts to cry) You're mean!

AUTHOR #2: It's all part of my charm.

AUTHOR #1: (to Author #2) This is getting too weird for me. Let's just kill her off and write another story.

AUTHOR #2: Fine by me!

MORGAN: Wait! What! (dies)

SMILE! YOUR GOVERNMENT IS WATCHING.

HUNTER: (hysterically) Lies! They're all lies!

EVERYONE ELSE: … What?

LINDSEY: (starts laughing hysterically)

HUNTER: Lies! They're all lies!

Beware you must. Warned you have been.