Esthesia

x by Ebony x

Chapter 4

I have no rights to Naruto.

Reviews are greatly appreciated. I'd like to know whether my writing is worth a damn.

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Sasuke could hear sounds through the walls at night.

It was almost funny. As time progressed, the atmosphere around their house had begun a diminuendo, each day a little quieter than the next. Itachi spoke less and less, and Sasuke could barely remember the last time his brother had smiled. He was out on missions almost all the time, and spent time alone in his room when he came back. It was as if he were slipping away.

Maybe Nii-san's just stressed out, Sasuke's young mind supplied. Maybe he's just worried about a mission. Maybe Nii-san's…Nii-san's probably just…

Maybe he's…

Maybe…

Sasuke closed his eyes and threw his blanket over his head, but fragments of vehement dialogue still looped inside his mind.

Father was becoming more and more formal, stern. Times he spoke to Sasuke were few and far between, and the boy found himself struggling to be noticed. He could not let up, though, else his head would slip under the water and he would drown, unable to find his way back up to the surface.

Fugaku was growing peculiarly distant to his eldest son as well, his praises often bitter and half-hearted. Conversation was strained, if ever existent. Like ghosts, they were faint and nearly intangible in each other's worlds.

Mikoto had stopped humming while she did her housework, though she smiled just as much. Too much.

Their world was swathed in an unforgiving silence during the day. In front of neighbors and strangers, they put on masks, like the ANBU one Itachi wore and kept hanging from a peg on his wall along with his cloak. It was as if they were acting; putting on a show; pretending they were just another happy, normal family. Fugaku would smile and pat Itachi on the shoulder, and Mikoto would add in bits and pieces here and there, but mind her tongue like a good wife should. Sasuke would pipe in now and then, and they-excluding Itachi, who stayed constantly somber- would laugh kindly.

It was like perfect.

It was like lying.

Sasuke did not understand why they did it, but he always played along. There was no need to displease Father.

At night, however, the silence seemed to let up and give way. From his parents' room he would hear things…

He would hear hushed dialogue between them, ranging from sorrowful to almost violent. Sometimes his father would shout, things would crash against the wall and Mikoto would scream, tears evident by the wavers and quakes in her voice. Sometimes, Sasuke thought he was just imagining it… that it was just another nightmare.

It was getting harder and harder to define things as real or imaginary lately. Nevertheless, he kept his mouth shut.

And oftentimes, Fugaku would ask (more demanding than asking, really) to speak to Itachi in his room. A few times Mikoto joined them, but each time she ended up leaving the room in shambles, trembling and undone. Sounds slipping under the door, Sasuke would hear his brother's vague murmurs, his father's aggressive defenses; a battle with no winner, and the war was far, far from over, but not as far as they might have thought.

Itachi would leave the room silently, drifting through the hallway like a ghost, going about his daily tasks as if a robot. They never spoke to Sasuke about what they spoke of, and he never dared to ask.

He didn't really want to know.

That night was near the same. Sasuke lay alone in his bed, sheets pulled up and over his head to block out light and any sound that might come from the next room over. He did not mind that darkness at all, not anymore. Itachi had explained to him, the first night Sasuke had run to his big brother after a nightmare, that people were just afraid of the darkness because they feared the unknown. They could not see and could not properly take control of the situation, and that bothered them. There was nothing to be afraid of except your own self. If anything, darkness was something humans could use to better themselves…

He heard a door slide close and light footsteps made their way down the hall, dragging a little, as if tired. They paused in front of the master bedroom, and silence went full blast a few moments before a voice sounded in question, shattering the disturbing stillness.

Must be Nii-san… getting back from his mission… Sasuke's weary mind thought, and he smiled. However, that tiny euphoria turned evanescent as a loud voice sounded in the hall. An ardent tremor started inside of Sasuke's chest, and he buried his head into his fresh-smelling pillow, not wanting to hear anymore.

His parents could not be fighting, because they loved each other very much, even though lately they had not been saying (or acting like it) much. They could not be fighting with Itachi, because they loved him… they did… they had to…

Nothing made any sense. Deeply frustrated, Sasuke began to grind his teeth together, his fingers digging into the pillow so hard his muscles began to ache from the strain. He heard, amidst the muffled accusing words of his father, a mention of 'Shisui', and Sasuke pushed his head deeper into the pillow.

Maybe it's just another nightmare.

Seconds turned into minutes, and finally, when his arms and hands were sore from squishing the pillow to his ears and his eyes hurt from being clamped shut so tight for so long, Sasuke let himself raise his head.

Quiet.

Relief and worry bubbled up in Sasuke's throat at once. He sat up in his bed, letting the sheets fall away from his body. Part of him wanted nothing but to lie back down and give himself to slumber, but somehow he doubted his mind would let him easily fall back into sleep.

As quietly as he could, Sasuke made his way from his bed to the door, peeking out into the dark, empty hallway. A single candle flickered from the within the washroom, the door left slightly ajar to let a tiny amount of light flicker out and spill into the hallway, casting long, washed-out shadows against the wall. Sasuke held his hands out in front of his face as he made his way through the darkness, as not to bump into anything he could not see. Finally, his groping hands found the door to Itachi's room. Gingerly, he opened it enough for his petit body to fit through and ducked inside, closing it quickly behind him.

The room was unlit, and Sasuke's unadjusted eyes could barely make out the bed and Itachi's still figure sitting thereon. It was a little weird for him to be there; Itachi's room was a place where he was never allowed.

"Nii-san," the child whispered, peering blindly at his brother.

The figure on the bed stirred, lifting his head but a little. His body was slouched against the wall, one knee brought to his chest with his arm resting on it, the other stretched out in front of him. His head had been bowed, his bangs, damp from the quick bath he had just taken, hung over his pale face like curtains, hiding him from the world. He wore only a painfully white robe for sleeping, his ANBU clothing abandoned in a pile in the corner of the room. The air in the room smelled faintly of blood, sour in the back of one's mouth.

"Nii-san?" Sasuke tried again urgently, hands fidgeting in worry.

Itachi let his breath leave his lungs gradually and almost exasperatedly, his head rising just a little bit more.

"You should go back to bed, Sasuke."

"I…was… I couldn't…" Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows, irritated he was unable to find the right thing to say.

"Go back to your room. You need to sleep," Itachi murmured, but this only proved to aggravate Sasuke further.

"But Nii-san-"

"Go back to bed, Sasuke," Itachi said with an irked but firm voice, his usually tightly knotted patience fraying and unraveling.

"Nii-san, I can't sleep," said Sasuke defiantly, though this comment was directed at the floor. "I… I heard Tou-san yelling… and… Nii-san…?"

An amused sigh lilted from Itachi's lips.

"You heard that, did you?"

Sasuke gave a coy nod, not yet daring to flicker his eyes upwards.

Itachi shifted minutely, and for what might have been the first time ever, Sasuke thought his brother looked somewhat uncertain.

Still awaiting an explanation, the boy made his way over to the bed.

"Can I sleep here? With you?"

Itachi's dark eyes glided up to meet Sasuke's, peering into them as if searching the young boy for something he desperately wanted to find.

"…fine," he replied eventually, shuffling over a little to make room, "But you have to be quiet, all right?"

With an eager nod, Sasuke climbed onto the bed and sat down beside his brother contently. His eyes focused in on Itachi's, now that they were closer and more adjusted to the screen of sheer umbra, and squinted a little to better see. His brother had never had that sort of expression before; not that his brother usually showed much expression, but still. The elder boy (though for some it was hard to think of him as just a boy) seemed a little tired, his eyelids shut halfway and his lips parted just slightly. His eyes had an odd gleam about them, and it unnerved Sasuke to see his brother as such. His brother was not supposed to be nervous, unsure…

Something was off. Even in his naïveté, Sasuke could tell. He knew better than to say, or ask what was wrong though, and figured it was just the shadows, and his eyes playing tricks on him.

"H-how was the mission?" murmured Sasuke, pulling the crisp white sheet, identical to the one on his bed, over their legs and waists.

"Good…" answered Itachi, though his tone blatantly suggested he did not really want to talk about it.

Fearing Itachi's troubled demeanor and the quiet that lurked, Sasuke leaned forwards to rest his head on Itachi's shoulder blade, drawing his knees up to his chest so he could lean against his brother comfortably, though part of him was pressed against the wall. Itachi relaxed into the touch, though his muscles still felt tense, anxious.

"Nii-san…" Sasuke said, the syllables a little slurred due to his somnolence. "I'm going to go on missions when I'm older too… I want to be just like Nii-san…"

Itachi winced, his body contracting slightly inwards as if he had been punched in the stomach.

"No you don't," came his susurration.

Sasuke lifted his head in childish inquisition. "Why not?"

Itachi shook his head. "Go to sleep, Sasuke."

Tentatively, Itachi pulled away from his little brother, stretching out his legs in front of him then lowering the upper half of his body down onto the mattress. Sasuke quickly settled down next to his brother, not at all hesitant to curl up with his back pressing into Itachi's chest. They lay in a warm silence for a time. Sasuke became vaguely aware of Itachi's fingers playing with his hair again.

"I might be going a way for a while soon," said Itachi.

"On another mission?"

"Sort of…" Itachi's arm draped itself around Sasuke's drawing him closer.

"I miss you when you go."

"I know."

Itachi's hand squeezed Sasuke's shoulder with ostensible affection, eliciting a hushed whimper of pain from Sasuke. Warm breath tickled the feathery hairs at the nape of the young boy's neck, Itachi's lips and body dangerously, dangerously close to his brother. The elder's leg shifted, as if to throw itself around Sasuke, but he drew it back, instead pressing his forehead to Sasuke's neck, squeezing him tightly again. This time, Sasuke bit his lip to hold back his cries. He could not cry; he had to be strong for his Nii-san, even with the uncomfortable and sick feeling tossing in his stomach and the feverishness that swarmed his head, forcing a hazy dizziness on him.

"I love you, Nii-san…" Sasuke whispered in his half-aware dream-like state.

"I know," Itachi repeated, pressing his lips against the back of Sasuke's delicate

(so easy to snap)

neck, quickly pulling away.

It was almost funny, Sasuke could hardly help but thinking, how loud the silence was right then… it almost hurt him to listen.

Almost too quiet to sleep…

He felt Itachi place butterfly kisses on his neck, his hand snaking from Sasuke's shoulder down to the hem of Sasuke's sleep shirt. It slipped under the fabric and glided up Sasuke's chest, resting just above his heart. Pounding, pounding. He could feel Itachi's heartbeat just under him, thudding strongly into him, Itachi's hoarse breaths tingling against his ear and neck.

"Nii-san…"

"Sleep, Sasuke."

Sasuke forced his eyes closed, letting his respiration settle into adagio. For a while he lay awake, Itachi's hand still resting lightly against the left side of his chest, fingertips tapping along with his pulse.

Pounding, pounding.

(I could kill you right now…)

The scene faded, and dream whisked him away.

(It was like perfect…)

And once again, he awoke the next morning in his own bed, alone.

Nii-san…

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