KrysOfDeath: Before you all simultaneously scream 'WHERE WERE YOU, YOU STUPID NON-UPDATING LAZE?' which will most likely make my poor, crappy computer EXPLODE from capital letters, I must say that I was tired of all the complaining over pairings in the TMM fandom and decided to take a very long, relaxing break. To make it simple, I'm sick and tired of doing romance fics just to get nagged at for liking a certain pairing (OmiGAWD, I have opinions, how dare me! Shame, me…SHAME. –shakes finger at self-). Anyways, in response to this, I have ditched the writing of romance – which I never really liked to begin with – and have fully returned to my all-time favorite genre…COMEDY! This particular comedy fic, which was up on the site earlier before it was unfairly reported, is the first that I'll be posting. A revised, funnier version of Tokyo Mew Online will soon follow. …Once I get off my lazy ass and work on it, that is. ((laughs derisively)) Maybe I'll work on 'What's A Cold?' too...when I get around to it. ((scoffs))
Info: "blah" – speaking
'blah' – thinking
blah – e-mail
Notes and TEH DISCLAIMER: I don't own Kish, Tokyo Mew Mew, Homestar Runner, Strong Bad, any random anime/cartoon characters that may appear, or e-mail. I do, however, claim ownership to my own e-mail. O.o; As stated before, other random anime/cartoon characters will make appearances, and occasionally, either me or my kitsune friend Emi-San will pop in for a moment or two. I MAY have a random reviewer (chosen at random, of course) pop up in the fic as well, as long as they do NOT have anything in any of their reviews about so-and-so pairing being the best Tokyo Mew Mew pairing ever, or I shall be very very angry and ignore that person for the rest of forever. I'm tired of getting stupid reviews about pairings. (I have my OWN freakin' opinions, dammit! LEAVE ME ALONE!) NOW! On to the fic! ((dances))
THE KISH MAILS – Chapter One – Literacy must be evil. It isn't used.
This story begins with Kish being bored out of his mind, like that one fic that vanished mysteriously from the authoress's computer after spending weeks rotting on this very fanfiction site. However, this fic has a completely different storyline, as this time, Kish has something to do. He has…
…Pai's laptop! E-MAIL! As the authoress laughs evilly over giving her favorite green-haired alien the laptop belonging to his more intelligent (and somewhat creepy) friend, boredom forces Kish to start up the very fast and super-advanced laptop of awesomeness (don't ask, that's Pai's name for it. He's very attached to it, after all…). The green-haired boy almost immediately clicks on the Internet icon, set on checking his e-mail.
Strangely, Kish has been getting a lot of e-mails lately, and he's very suspicious about that. Maybe he shouldn't have given his e-mail address to that weird blonde girl with bat wings (a.k.a. the authoress). Upon seeing the above sentence, he freaks out. "That girl was the authoress?" He then curses at his inability to speak with a question mark and an exclamation point next to each other, as the stupid fanfiction site won't allow it anymore to avoid horrible fanfic writers from writing a whole paragraph of nothing but punctuation.
"Time to…CHECK MY E-MAIL!" Kish laughs evilly for a moment before deciding it's rather boring to laugh evilly when there's no one there to listen save for the fanfic readers (who can't hear him anyways). Not only that, but only people who've seen the Tokyo Mew Mew anime know that Kish has an awesomely sexy laugh (unlike his dub self). But anyways, after Kish has finished his short spat of evil laughter, he opens his inbox to find-
"Holy crap! Four hundred thirty two point one e-mails?" Stopping, Kish ponders over this. "432.1 e-mails… How can I have point one of an e-mail? …Authoress, will you make up a more interesting number? PLEASE?"
Kish now has seven hundred forty nine and a half e-mails.
"Crap…" Kish sighs. "I guess I'll read the half of an e-mail first."
Deer KishKish stops and stares at this sentence. "So I'm a deer now? What, did I get fused with deer DNA without my knowing it? Am I a Mew-Mew now?" The alien promptly jumps up from the futuristic office chair he was sitting in (though the authoress never specified it before due to laziness) and shouts, "Mew Mew Quiche Metamorphosis!"
Silence descends upon the room.
"……Guess not." Kish sits down, slightly embarrassed, and continues reading the half of an e-mail.
Your are the most awesomest anime character eber!"Is awesomest even a word?" Kish wonders, reaching for Pai's dictionary, which the authoress also stole from the purple-haired alien. Skimming through the pages of the dictionary, he pauses. "…Is there another word for thesaurus?"
Pai pops up, looking annoyed that Kish has access to both his laptop and dictionary. "It's called a lexicon." The authoress then makes Pai disappear in a poof of chocolate sauce, leaving Kish relatively confused and just a bit chocolaty.
Then, just to keep the story moving, our favorite green-haired alien learns that awesomest is indeed not a word, and that people who say 'eber' in place of 'ever' need to either blow their nose or use their internal spelling checker (which, by the way, is standard equipment for the average intelligent person. …No, really.).
I luv you and; i wish that)I culdThe e-mail then goes into a lot of disturbing and perverted detail, which Kish decides to skip over as he stares, mortified, at the person's horrible spelling, grammar, punctuation, and capitalization skills.
I obsess abu:t you al the tim, and iKish stops. "That's it?" He scrolls down the page a bit, but seeing that the rest is blank, he scratches his head and shrugs. "I guess it really was half an e-mail. …Thank God." Seeing as Kish doesn't believe in God, it's rather amazing to hear him thanking a god he says he doesn't believe in.
Having read this horribly written tragedy of an e-mail, Kish sets about the daunting task of responding to it. "I've got to tell you, person (and I say person because you conveniently forgot to tell me your name after telling me all that perverted stuff you wanted to do to me with your frighteningly atrocious spelling and grammar), but…the feeling is really not mew-tual." Kish pauses to curse Mew Mew Power, as the dubbiness is starting to get to him with all the Mew puns.
"Mew-tual…Mew-tamorphosis…A-mew-sing… No, no, no. 4kids needs to get rid of that. Not funny. Not cute. Dumb. VERY dumb. Blah," Kish says, quoting the webmistress of Neko-Tokyo. The authoress then chucks a banana at him so he'll get back to responding to the half an e-mail, which is still chock full of insanely bad written errors that would make even the most tolerant of readers wince at the sight of it.
Hurling the banana back at the authoress in annoyance, Kish sighs and continues responding to the scary half e-mail. "The reason I don't like you back is, number one, I love Ichigo." Miles away, Ichigo sneezes twice, and Purin goes on to rant loudly about how sneezing two times means that someone likes you. Ichigo, of course, misinterprets this somehow, being the relatively idiotic ditz that she is.
"Reason number two," Kish continues, "is that you obviously haven't stayed in school long enough to know anything about literacy, which is a key factor in any kind of relationship…I think. Meaning I pity your friends for dealing with it. If I met you, I'd probably flinch every time you took a breath to say something." Kish forgets to mention that he flinches every time his dub self takes a breath to say something in his horrible nerdy voice to show off his stereotypical bad-guy-ness. Stereotypical bad-guy-ness that the REAL Kish doesn't have.
In Japan, Mia Ikumi shakes her head sadly upon finding out what 4kids have done to the whole of the poor, unsuspecting Tokyo Mew Mew cast.
"Reason number three," Kish says, now starting to count off the reasons on his fingers, "is that the authoress of this fic despises Mary-Sues in every size, shape, or form. Reason number four. You might be a guy. Reason number five. I don't know your name. And considering that most Mary-Sue writers have numbers in their usernames, yours could be 'FairyGoddess78' for all I know. Reason number six, I love Ichigo." Ichigo sneezes twice again, and Purin starts ranting again until Ryou gags her, hogties her, and shoves her into a conveniently nearby box for the time being.
"Reason number seven," Kish continues loudly, as he's slightly annoyed that the authoress keeps getting off topic, "is that I'm straight and you're probably a guy, and if you're not a guy, I'm allergic to women. Except for Ichigo. And speaking of Ichigo, reason number eight: I love Ichigo." Ichigo has another sneezing fit and decides she has a cold. Meanwhile, Kish stops counting off the reasons, a bit confused. "Wait…I said that one already, didn't I…? Like…three times…?" The readers of the fanfic nod. "…Oh, well."
Kish stops to think, then stares at the half e-mail. "You know what? …DELETED!" The delete button is slammed, and the half e-mail finds itself swirling into half e-mail Hell. Kish immediately bursts into another fit of evil laughter before signing off, leaving the rest of the e-mails to rot until the next chapter.
Pai promptly rushes in to save his beloved computer.
END CHAPTER!
KrysOfDeath: …My fingers hurt and my sides have split from me cracking myself up.
Kish: You're pathetic.
KrysOfDeath: Considering I amuse myself, that's probably true. o.o; Well, hope you all like it as much as I liked writing it! n.n
Kish: u.u … ((goes off to bother Ichigo))
KrysOfDeath: Just so's you all know, I'll probably update this every day, or every other day. But if I start to lag, or I just plain ignore this fic altogether, remember this; I write for my own enjoyment, as well as for the enjoyment of the people reading. Sometimes, I just don't feel like writing. Other times, I'm having personal troubles. And occasionally, I'm working on other projects. So if I'm not updating, there's probably a good reason. So please, be considerate and don't scream, yell, and/or beg for me to update. Asking me politely is fine. Just, please…don't beg and scream at me, okay? Thank you. …And now I'm going to be a complete hypocrite and beg you all to review, mostly so you can all see how stupid begging is. ((falls to her knees, clasps her hands together, and does the dreaded sad-puppy-dog face while fake sobbing)) REVIEW! PLEASE! I NEED THEM! I NEED REVIEWS! I LOVE THEM! ((in mock Gir voice)) I loves them good… ((is pelted with stale marshmallows)) MERCY! O.O;