The Kish Mails

by It's The Krys

Kish attempts to sort through his inbox mess and answer his email. Parodies, spoofs, insanity, hilarity, and just plain weirdness ensues.

4. Chapter 4

KrysOfDeath: And here we are at Chapter Four!

Kish: WILL IT NEVER END? O.O;

KrysOfDeath: Of course it…won't. o.o

Kish: … ((keels over)) x.x

KrysOfDeath: Hmm? Did I say something wrong? ((scratches head))

NOTE 1: Sorry about my lack of updating. My modem was being all…crazy-like. That and I had absolutely NO inspiration for God knows HOW long… ((dies…sorta))

NOTE 2: Starting now, I will occasionally pick random things from reviews to shove into the fanfic. If you don't know what I mean, you'll see soon enough.

REVIEW REPLIES

NatsukoChan and Mew Meron: The thought of male Masaya fans is quite creepy indeed, isn't it? Don't worry, I'm scared too. ((sweatdrops))

hm: Yes, I am quite evil, aren't I? ((grin))

Sakuranbo-chan: FELLOW INVADER ZIM FAN! ((tackle-glomp-bearhug)) Not just a fellow Invader Zim fan, either...FELLOW ZADR FAN! ((more tackle-glomp-bearhugs)) n.n Anyhoo, yes, I have planned to finish 'What's A Cold?', but it'll take me a while before I feel like finishing another chapter. I have the sixth chapter mostly finished, I just don't feel like working on it, 'tis all.

dream-angel114: Well...I didn't exactly update SOON, but I updated. o.O;

Seitsuuno Megami: Omigod, I LOVED that one. xD 'Brianrietta'... ((shakes head and laughs))

tenderflowers: I only like Strong Bad when he's answering his e-mail, so there ya go. xD And I really have no clue as to how Kish inhaled the White-Out. You'll have to ask him yourself. O.o;

KishLover123: ...Your review gave me quite a nice thought. Thoughts of a super-hot green-haired alien shoving an air-headed human boy's head down a porcelain bowl of human waste disposal always make me quite teh happy. If that even made sense at all. o.o

Kissu Kisshu: To tell the truth, I don't dislike Masaya all that much, it's just that I find it quite entertaining to torture him. xD; And making references to vague web-comics, flash movies, cartoons, and animes make me very happy indeed. So expect lots more references to come. ((laughs))

ficfan3484: Whoo! Plushies! ((grabs)) Now I have more things to whack people with! ((dances joyfully)) Glad you're all right, by the by. Don't want any readers to die laughing or something. ((sweatdrops))

Spaceman Spiff: Best fic in the world? That's probably the best compliment I've had on one of my fics... ((sniffs)) Darn it...Now you've got me being all sentimental and stuff... I'd better hurry up with this review reply before I start crying or something. ((laughs)) The 'Your legs are stupid' line was an enormous reference to Invader Zim, to tell the truth. I love making references to Invader Zim. xD; And like tenderflowers, you'll have to ask Kish how he inhaled the White-Out. I have no clue how he did it. ((shrugs))

THE KISH MAILS – Chapter Four – Opinions, toilets, and…puppies?

Kish, seated in his spiffy, futuristic office chair, looks around in confusion. "What the-? I thought I was DEAD! Whatever happened to continuity?" He then sees his dead body lying on the floor. "…Oh my…GOD…" Considering that Kish STILL doesn't believe in God, it's amazing he even makes references to religion. Yeah, sorry, authoress getting off topic here…

"Oh, right, I still have to get rid of that, don't I?" Pai mutters.

"I AM dead!" Kish wails. "I'm a ghost, or having an out-of-body experience, or uh…maybe BOTH, if it's possible! I see the white light…Oh wait, that's Pai's laptop, isn't it? Ah well, I guess it's a decent replacement. I'm floating away, being dragged to the afterlife – See, there's my body WAY down there, and-"

"Kish, what the hell are you talking about?"

The ranting boy stops suddenly, and looks over at Pai. "You can see me?" Pai only raises an eyebrow.

"DUH. You're kinda sitting RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME. What, you think I'm blind or something?"

Kish stares at him. "But…but…I-I'm dead. See, my dead body…it's…it's right there. It's…laying on the floor…being…well…dead. …I hope. Cuz if it's not dead, that's gonna be somewhat…weird. And referential. ……That's MY body, right?"

"Well, YEAH. You did kinda…you know…DIE."

"But…I'm apparently ALIVE. And if I'm dead, too…then that means…" Kish's eyes go wide and he says in a creepy tone, "I'm a zombie…"

The older alien frowns at him. "Please stop making Bonus Stage references. It's really annoying when you do that," he snaps. "And you're not a zombie. The authoress just decided that every time you die in this fic, you'll appear right back in front of your…I mean…MY…laptop. And your dead body will stay wherever you…well…died."

Sighing in relief, Kish nods understandingly. "Sorry about this, but I'm going to have to make another Bonus Stage reference - do you think my dead body will still have a wallet in its pocket? I had like…fifty bucks in there when I died." Pai blinks, then checks the dead body's pockets.

"Hey…whaddaya know? Your wallet's still there."

"Awesome! I better try to die more often then! I'll get fifty bucks every time I die!" Kish exclaims cheerfully as he grabs it and stuffs it into his pocket to join the wallet currently occupying it.

"You'd better get to answering your e-mail, too, before the readers get bored and go to read something else," Pai warns as he goes off to do STUFF.

Kish scoffs. "Like they'd do that. They LOVE me. Why else would they be reading this fic, huh?" He then turns on the laptop, bracing himself for horrible spelling and grammar. "Okay, here we go…e-mail number one."

Dear Ksh

"…This person spelled my glorious name wrong! How dare they! Person, I don't like you anymore!" Kish slumps down in his chair, crossing his arms and pouting cutely. Meanwhile, the authoress rolls her eyes at how pathetic the alien is acting.

Do yu ever read any of the fanfic people rite about you?

Kish blinks, then raises an eyebrow. "Fanfic? As in, only one? There's only one fanfic about me? If that was actually true, I'd have to take a moment to say 'WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO'. And…I just did. But that's really not important, so…yeah. Whatever." Apparently, the alien realizes that his latest line of dialogue was completely pointless and of no importance to the fic. "So why is the authoress still going on about it?" …Oh. Oops.

They seem too like pairing you with aa whole bunch of diferent TMM charactrs.

"I noticed. It's frightening, isn't it? All these fanfic writers seem to like whoring me. I'M NOT A WHORE!" Kish wails.

In a nearby room, Pai's left eye starts to twitch as he ponders whether or not to rescue his poor, abused laptop. Not that the authoress would let him or anything...

Pleeze tell me youre opinions on this. Love, Elly

"Elly? As in, Bonus Stage Elly?" Upon hearing this, Pai runs in to give Kish a good whack over the head. Before he can, however, a lobster suddenly appears in front of him, causing him to trip. Exactly where that lobster came from, however, only the authoress knows.

After a moment of thought (in which Pai suddenly vanishes for no apparent reason), Kish begins to type out the reply to his e-mail (whilst reading it out loud for the fanfic readers, just to be nice). "You know what, I just flat out think that fanfiction shouldn't exist. Why? Because not only is it usually complete and utter TORTURE for the characters, but the creator of the series obviously intended for said series to be a certain way, and that's how it's supposed to be. End of story. So now, I'm going to go hunt down some fanfic writers-"

Krys suddenly appears in the room with a rolling pin in her hand. "You're going to do WHAT, exactly?" Kish squeaks in terror, as the authoress seems to be exuding waves of scary DOOM.

"Um…give some…fanfic writers awards for…being so…uh…great…?" The alien looks around quickly for an escape route, and, finding none, attempts to teleport, only to find that… "Uh…why can't I teleport?"

"I have writer's privileges, remember?" Krys grins evilly. "And now, instead of a Gir plushie, I have a ROLLING PIN. It'll hurt a lot more, might I add."

Kish cowers in his office chair, shielding his head with his arms. "MERCY!"

The authoress blinks. "What's that?"

"Geez, you need to get out more!"

Sighing, Krys tosses the rolling pin away and crosses her arms. "Look, Kish, one more insult to the world of fanfiction will make me have to doom you. Do you WANT me to doom you?" Kish shakes his head frantically. "Okay, good. And from now on, keep your opinions about fanfiction to yourself, got it?"

"Why SHOULD I?"

"Because a wise man once said that opinions are like butts. Everyone has them, but no one thinks theirs stink. So do all your fanfiction-loving fans a favor and wiggle your butt elsewhere," Krys says, nodding sagely.

Kish pouts. "But…my fans like my butt…"

"…You didn't understand that at ALL, did you?" The alien shakes his head, smiling innocently as he does so. "Good God, just get back to answering your e-mail! NOW, before I decide to start pelting you with stale marshmallows!" The authoress then disappears from the fanfic, and everyone's favorite green-haired alien returns to searching through his inbox for a somewhat decent e-mail to answer.

"Psh. Decent e-mail? Like that's gonna happen."

Dear Kish; Could you shove Masaya's head in a toilet? Love, K.L.123

Kish sighs happily. "Okay, maybe it is. This is MY kinda e-mail."

Fortunately for those who don't hate Masaya to little pieces, Krys decided to be nice to the little moron for once. Meaning she set loose a bunch of rabid fangirls into the alien spaceship before Kish could actually go looking for him.

"GOD DAMN IT!"

LATER...

"It's your fault, you know," Pai mutters as Kish, looking thoroughly pissed off, sorts through his e-mail. Pai is sporting various minor injuries due to the overzealous 'attention' from the rabid fangirls, Taruto (though he hasn't shown up in a while) is scarred for life and hiding in his closet, and Kish…let's just say he's had better days.

Kish doesn't even look away from the laptop screen, only scowls. "How is it MY fault?" he snaps.

The older boy crosses his arms. "Well, you WERE about to go hunting down Masaya so as to shove his head down a device used for human waste disposal…"

"You seriously have a way with words, you know that?" Kish replies sarcastically. "Goodness, Pai, it's called a TOILET."

"I really don't give a damn what it's called, the fact is, YOU wanted to shove Masaya's head into one for the entertainment of a fan, not even taking into account the opinions of other fans (who might actually like him, just for your information). Thus, the authoress decided to take it into her own hands in order to keep from insulting the fanfic readers, hence the rabid fangirls being set loose on our ship," Pai explains, irritated. "It's good that you want to keep individual fans happy, but-"

Kish turns to glare at him. "Why are you explaining this to me like I'm a friggin' FIVE-year-old? I understand, all right? How DUMB do you think I am?"

"Pretty dumb. …Wait a minute…" Pai smacks a hand to his forehead as Kish starts to laugh his head off. "I can't believe you tricked me into making a Foster's reference…"

"HA! Stick THAT in your pooper!" Kish is promptly whacked over the head for making yet another Bonus Stage reference. "Okay, okay, sheesh! I'll try not to do it again!"

Pai scoffs. "Just get on with the e-mail so we can end the torture, all right? This fanfic's getting irritating."

"It was irritating to begin with!"

"JUST. HURRY. UP!"

Dear Kish; How long do you think you could last if you had to take care of three puppies? Love, Anonymous

"Wow, that's a horrible name. I'd hate to be named Anonymous, I wouldn't get credit for anything!" Kish says. Pai only gives him a weird look in response to this. "Oh, hey look, there's a postal stamp!"

"Uh…Kish… The P.S. stands for post-script…"

"Yeah, yeah, sure. Anyways, I'll answer to the postal stamp later." Pai attempts to correct the younger alien again, and of course, is ignored for his troubles. "How long would I last, eh, Anonymous? What's so bad about taking care of a bunch of puppies? It's not like they can hurt anyone. What damage could they cause?"

Pai sighs and shakes his head sympathetically.

P.S. I'm having the authoress poof a few puppies to you as you read this. Good luck!

"'Poof' them to me? What the hell does that mean? 'Good luck'? HUH?" As soon as these words leave Kish's mouth, three adorable puppies appear in his lap in a burst of purple smoke. They immediately begin chewing on his shorts. "OH. MY. GOD." Kish still doesn't believe in God, by the way.

Pai watches amusedly as his younger colleague attempts to remove the puppies from his shorts (failing miserably). "Aren't those dry-clean-only?" he asks innocently. Kish only growls evilly at him as he continues his attempts to dislodge the puppies.

Three hours later

Kish is curled up in the corner, whimpering and trembling as the puppies climb over him and chew on his clothing (making adorably cute noises whilst doing so). Taruto raises an eyebrow at the sight, then looks over at Pai. "So…how long has he been like this?"

After making a big show of thinking about it, Pai responds, "I think he snapped about five minutes after the puppies started barking incessantly. Which was…ten minutes after he got them."

"The moral being…what?"

"Kish would make a horrible pet owner."

Said Kish spoke up from his spot in the corner, sounding relatively miserable. "Puppy bites are painful…"

"Well, they're probably teething right now, anyways. …The puppies, that is," Pai replies as he tries his hardest not to laugh.

The younger alien's voice suddenly turns squeaky and a bit more than freaked out. "Pai…I think one of them is trying to eat my leg…"

"Yeah, they'll do that if you're not careful."

END CHAPTER!

KrysOfDeath: The other morals – opinions are like butts, Kish trying to shove Masaya's head down a toilet results in mass fangirl attacks, and puppies are a bit more than a handful if you don't know how to take care of them. Thank you. O.o

Kish: Psh. Like you've ever had a problem with raising puppies… --;

KrysOfDeath: I've got scars to prove otherwise. xD

Kish: … o.o; Well, you've never had problems with fan attacks.

KrysOfDeath: Are you kidding? I can't even sign on to AIM anymore! I get swamped with instant messages! ((laughs))

Kish: …And I'm sure you've had problems with opinions as well?

KrysOfDeath: 'Tis the main reason I quit writing romance, my friend. ((nods sagely))

Kish: …I suppose I'm expected to pity you, right?

KrysOfDeath: Pft. I don't need your pity! What can I do with PITY? NOTHING! I focus on MATERIAL wealth, cuz that's what's IN nowadays!

Kish: O.o; …You're being sarcastic, aren't you?

KrysOfDeath: Sarcastic? What's that? o.o

Kish: …You…don't know what sarcasm is? But…but you use it all the time! ((confused))

KrysOfDeath: ((sarcastically)) Of COURSE I do… I use sarcasm all the time…

Kish: …You're…totally messing with me, aren't you? O.o;

KrysOfDeath: Yup! ((smiles innocently)) That, and I felt like making a Foster's reference again. n.n

Kish: D'oh! ((slaps forehead))