KrysOfDeath: ((sigh)) I guess I should have written out 'Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends' rather than just 'Foster's'. Sorry for any confusion about that. ((laughs nervously))
Kish: You're SO stupid. --;
KrysOfDeath: I know I am, but what are you?
Kish: I'm- Wait, wha-? Don't you mean… Um… Huh…?
KrysOfDeath: I mean what I mean and I say what I say! n.n
Kish: …Can't you just say what you mean and stop confusing me? O.o;
KrysOfDeath: … ((blinks))
Kish: ((sigh)) Never mind…
NOTE – I'll do review replies next chapter. I'm being a lazy bum. PRAISE ME. PRAISE ME!
THE KISH MAILS – Chapter Five – The Best Chapter…EVER! WHOO!
Kish, sitting at the laptop as usual and lazily slurping from a large cup of soda, stares up at the title blandly. "Wow. I think someone's getting lazy with the chapter titles." He then tosses away the soda, not really caring all that much about the carpet. Due to all of the accidents the puppies had in the last chapter before the authoress decided to get rid of them (by giving them loving new homes, of course), the carpet really isn't worth taking care of anymore. Not to mention it's kinda scary to look at.
"Time…for teh e-mail!" Kish exclaims dramatically. Before logging in to search through his inbox, the alien scratches his head thoughtfully. "I wonder why I haven't been getting any more e-mails since this fic started…" It's a bit more than apparent that Kish hasn't been checking his other e-mail account. But let's save that for the sequel, shall we?
From someplace very far away, Kish hears the authoress burst into a bout of evil laughter and shudders at the sound of it. "Damn, that girl's crazy…"
Dear Kish, I don't like your ears. They're too big. Love, Blah.
"Okay, I'd rather be named 'Anonymous' than 'Blah'. I'd pity this person if they weren't making fun of my ears, but since they did indeed make fun of my ears, I could care less about all of the horrific torment they've gone through due to the utmost stupidity of their name. No offense to other people who are named Blah, of course, just this particular Blah. Anyways… Look, Blah, do you think I LIKE having big ears? Huh? HUH? ASK ME." Kish whirls around to where Taruto has been standing idly and yells, "ASK MEEEE!"
Taruto blinks, looking rather bemused, then asks hesitantly, "D…Do you like having big ears?"
"Eh, it's alright…"
"I was kind of hoping that my first decent appearance wouldn't be so…odd. Odd, stupid, not to mention referential." Taruto sighs and shakes his head. "You and your references…"
The older alien only sticks his tongue out immaturely before returning to his e-mail. "Okay, this piece of crap doesn't even deserve a reply. I'ma delete it now." And thus, yet another e-mail finds itself swirling into e-mail hell, which is sorta like half e-mail hell, but more…whole, and not half. "Hey, Taruto?"
"Yeah?"
"My ears are bigger than yours."
The pig-tailed boy only raises an eyebrow. "…I'm not exactly sure what you mean to prove by this, but…okay?"
Kish nods sagely. "Precisely." He sighs a bit. "I'm a bit disappointed with your answer, but then, I shouldn't really be surprised… A naïve little boy such as yourself would never understand adult matters like that." Taruto's expression is suddenly slightly freaked out. "Anyhow… I think it's time for another e-mail. Hopefully one that's an insult to literacy, so I can laugh at it."
"Can I answer an e-mail?" Taruto asks hopefully.
"Can pigs fly?"
After a moment of thought, Taruto holds up a finger. "Hold that thought." He then vanishes. Kish shakes his head sympathetically.
"That poor kid… So naïve… So simple-minded… …Never mind the fact that those words mean exactly the same thing…"
Two minutes later, Taruto reappears in the room holding a small pig, which a strange green dog is latched onto, wildly screaming what seems to be "WHY YOU TAKE MAH PIGGY? I LOVEDED MAH PIGGY! GIMME BACK MAH PIGGY! Oooooh…taquitos!" Kish merely raises an eyebrow.
Taruto then chucks the pig across the room, and the poor thing sails into the trash chute to be ejected into outer space, green dog and all. "See! It flew! Now let me answer an e-mail!"
"THAT DOESN'T COUNT!" Kish exclaims as he watches the poor, abused pig float around outside the window, the green dog still latched on to it (and apparently gnawing on its leg). "Hey, waitaminute… Isn't that dog…? …Eh, couldn't be."
Knowing that Kish isn't about to let him answer any e-mails, Taruto decides to resort to drastic measures in order to get his way. What drastic measures, you ask? …He sits down on the floor and bursts into very noisy tears. And to further agitate poor Kish's ears, the acoustics of the room only help to increase the volume of the already irritatingly-noisy bawling. "Gah… FINE! You can answer ONE e-mail! ONE!"
The tears immediately stop, and Taruto jumps into the spiffy, futuristic office chair. "Whoo! E-MAIL!" He then stops and gives Kish an annoyed glare. "You logged out of your account."
"Oh wow, isn't that just too damn bad?" Kish replies sarcastically.
"If you don't let me answer an e-mail, I'll tell Pai who ate all of the Lucky Charms!"
Kish suddenly looks both offended and annoyed. "I did not eat them! Lucky Charms are occult! If you eat them, you'll go to Hell!"
"You don't even have a religion! What are you talking about?" Taruto exclaims.
"You wanna know something, I don't even know anymore!"
Annoyed by all of the yelling, Pai pokes his head in. "Just for your information, Taruto, Kish has had a fear of Lucky Charms for ages now."
"That leprechaun is EVIL, I tell ya!"
"Shut up, Kish, enough about the damned leprechaun!" Pai snaps.
Taruto looks confused. "But…if Kish didn't eat them, who did?"
"You did. Idiot."
"……Oh, yeah… I did, didn't I?" Taruto laughs nervously. "Well, uh…I…well… Yeah. See ya." He then teleports elsewhere, being relatively sure that he'll get in trouble somehow if he sticks around.
Kish grins. "That works every time. Thanks, Pai." Pai only gives his younger colleague a look that plainly states 'You owe me ten bucks' before wandering off, giving an annoyed shake of his head as he does so. "And now, to return to the action that this whole stupid fanfic revolves around – the checking of electronic mail for cheap laughs! Whoo!"
kish, hith did u inhal teh wite-out? tm! -ttyl, cassy101
"'Hith'? 'Tm'? 'Ttyl'?" Kish blinks in confusion. "Ohhhhh…chatspeak! I get it now! Time to get out my handy dandy…NOTEBOOK! …No, wait, that's a really lame reference, I should be shot for that." The alien shakes his head and opens a random desk drawer, searching through it until he finds a small book. "A-ha! My handy-dandy chatspeak book! Guaranteed to translate all chatspeak into understandable English! After all, chatspeak is a language I knoweth not."
For a whole five minutes, Kish dedicates his time to flipping through the many sections of the small book. "Smileys…emoticons…special occasion smileys? What are those? …Oh, hey, look, there's a smiley for each of the Simpson's! Weird! …And there's a hat salesman smiley, too! For some reason, that...is freakin' awesome!" From off-screen, a turnip comes flying to hit Kish on the side of the head so as to remind him to stay on-topic. "Oh, right. Chatspeak. Hmm… 'hith' is 'how in the hell'… 'tm' is 'tell me'. You know, I'm kinda wondering why people can't just write out what they're trying to say, it makes it so much easier for the people reading… 'ttyl'… Oh, wait, I know that one already. Whatever. Okay, time to translate this for the readers, cuz I'm nice like that! I'll even improve the spelling and capitalization, which are absolutely nonexistent in this particular e-mail!"
Kish, how in the hell did you inhale the White-Out? Tell me! -Talk to you later, "Chatspeak"101
"From now on, my illiterate friend, you shall be dubbed Chatspeak. And that '101' thing needs to go." Kish shakes his head sympathetically. "Anyways, how did I inhale the White-Out… Well, I have to say, it wasn't a very good experience. It was kinda neat at first, until I realized that I was drowning in it. And by then, I was a bit too…eh…weird to do anything about it. I was pretty sure I was a species of talking flower at one point, and while it was very educational, I don't think I want to repeat the experience. …Damn, that's trippy…" The alien laughs nervously before moving on to his next e-mail.
Deer Kish
"Oh, come on, people! I'm not a Mew-Mew or anything, REALLY!" Kish exclaims. He then looks around hesitantly to make sure no one's around before jumping up and once again yelling, "Mew Mew Quiche Metamorphosis!" …Silence descends upon the room once more. "Eh. Guess not…again."
Then, just to be mean, the authoress poofs the alien into his own custom Mew-Mew outfit (complete with deer antlers, ears, and tail!). "…Oh, VERY funny, authoress."
After hurriedly changing out of the horridly skimpy outfit and into his original one (I'm sure the perverts reading this just got a few naughty images, ne?), Kish continues the checking of his e-mail.
I want too see what youd act liek if you where drunk -Luv, Silver
Kish scowls. "Oh, hello, illiterate person!" he begins in a cheerfully sarcastic tone. "You know, if you really 'want to see' that (why yes, the word 'to' actually IS spelled with one 'o', genius), just go and read 'Stranded' or something and STOP WASTING MY TIME. ...But, since you're probably too lazy to go and find it, I guess I can sacrifice a few bottles of sake for your entertainment. See? I'm nice."
(A/N: Sake – Japanese rice wine. Pronounced 'sa-keh', so don't let your parents trick you into thinking it's pronounced 'sa-key', cuz it's NOT. NOT, NOT, NOT! I'll have more on this at the end of the chapter. A LOT more.)
Ten minutes later…
Pai pokes his head into the room, wondering how much trouble Kish had gotten into so far and somewhat hoping that the authoress had buried him in plushies. Unfortunately for him, all he finds is a very…very…very drunk green-haired alien, who is currently conversing in very fluent gibberish with the nearest wall. "Uh…Kish…?"
"Whoo! Pai-pai! You's gots a moose on yer head!" Kish squeals happily. "I can help ya with that! Come 'ere, Moosey! MOOOOOOSEY!" Pai blinks several times, utterly confused.
"I have a…moose…on my head…" he dead-pans, looking very skeptical. Kish nods his head frantically. "Uh…are you drunk?"
His green-haired colleague grins stupidly, nodding frantically again. "Yep! Ah'm drunker than a skunk!"
"Kish, you know you can't hold your liquor! It hardly takes one glass of wine to get you drunk! And you're stupid when you're drunk!" Pai scolds him. "Really, you've been through how many years of education and you act like this when you're drunk. It's seriously pathetic!"
Kish squints, apparently thinking as hard as he possibly could in his current condition. "I've been through… Twenty years of education!" Pai blinks. "I graduated the tenth grade twice!" his colleague continues cheerfully. It seems as though Kish has forgotten he's only about fifteen or so.
Sighing and shaking his head, the violet-haired alien holds up two fingers. "How many fingers do you see?"
"Hey, wow, Pai! …I didn't know you were triplets!"
"Just answer the question, dumbass!"
"Forty and a half!" Pai takes a moment to look extremely weirded out. "MAN, I'm drunk!" Kish giggles, hugging his office chair.
"Recite the alphabet backwards."
Kish squints again, trying to think really hard. However, it seems that the only thing that makes sense in his mind right now is 'Whoo! Drunk! I like muffins! And TOAST. SUPER toast! I LIIIIKE TO MAKE WAAAFFLLLLES... And BACON! Dancin' weenies! Dancin' weenies... WOOHOO! Ah'ma gonna do mah squeaky pants dance!' "Z, y, x, w, v, u, t, s, r, q, p, o, n, m, l, k, j, i, h, g, f, e, d, c, b, a?"
Pai raises an eyebrow, surprised that Kish is actually right. "Okay…recite it forwards now."
"A, r, 16, s, t, v – heh, TV – 21…fork…mix in a little sauce… b, x, 59, r…no wait, I said that already… Didja know the meaning of life is 42? And two plus three is FISH! H...monkey...YAY MONKEY! ...Y, m, c, a, YMCA, then some words I can't remember...p, o, n, PON! WHOO! Tupperware!"
"NO, NO, NO." The older alien shakes his head, hiding his face with a hand. "Okay, when I say 'right', touch your nose with your right hand. If I say 'left', touch your nose with your left hand. Got it?"
"Cantcha tell ah'm drunk already? I'm not even sure if my feet are my hands or if it's the other way around! ...No, wait...that's my stomach, never mind... I'm REALLY drunk, and I'd appreciate any help distinguishing one body part from another. What were we talking about again? Oh yeah...cantcha tell I'm drunk, Mr. Pai?"
"Yes, indeed I can,but this is actually quite entertaining. Right." Kish starts to raise his left hand, but catches himself, and touches his nose with his right. "Now left." Amazingly, the drunk boy manages to get it right. "Left." Kish uses his right hand. "…Right." Kish looks from one hand to the other, shrugs, and uses both. "…Well, you didn't exactly pass with flying colors… Uh…try walking in a straight line."
Kish nods. "Okie-dokie." He stands up, and promptly trips over his own feet. "Oopsies…"
"Okay, I'd say you're pretty drunk."
"Yep, I'd say I'm pretty, too. …Ya know, I feel kinda sick. I think my stomach is digesting itself."
"Nah. It's only natural for you to feel sick after drinking…what…three bottles of sake? It's too bad you're too drunk to walk to the bathroom, cuz I'm certainly not going to help you. Have fun drowning in your own vomit!" Pai says cheerfully as he walks out of the room.
Kish grins stupidly. "Whoo! I'll get a thousand bucks this time for dying! No, wait, I added a zero, didn't I? Oh, well… …I dun feel so gewd…"
Thirty minutes later
"So Kish died by drowning in his own alcohol-induced vomit?" Taruto asks, not surprised.
"Yup. And he'd better clean up after himself, or I'll flog him to death with his own dead body."
Taruto raises an eyebrow. "That doesn't really make sense…"
"Nothing does in this fanfic."
"…Good point."
END CHAPTER!
KrysOfDeath: I know me making Kish stupidly drunk is a total rip-off of my very own fanfic 'Stranded', but a drunk Kish is very fun to play with when writing a fanfic. O.o
Kish: ((has just finished gargling with mouthwash)) Geez…
KrysOfDeath: And I realized I made a little mistake with the whole 'taking-money-from-dead-bodies' thing. Kish's pocket change would double every time he dies if he takes money from his corpse's wallet…
Kish: You should have noticed that before, but then…you're a total moron, so I shouldn't be surprised. --;
KrysOfDeath: Guess how many references I put in here on purpose! There's a lot! O.o
About the pronunciation of Japanese words: Most Americans (those who have no clue about anime, have never been to Japan, or are just plain stupid, that is) usually pronounce the 'e' in Japanese words how they would normally sound to an English person – 'EE'. However, the 'e' in Japanese words is ALWAYS pronounced as an 'eh' sound. Actually, ALL vowels in the Japanese language have a set pronunciation, and I have not yet found a single word with a vowel that goes against this rule. If your parents are pronouncing 'sake' as 'sa-key', and you correct them (only to have them ridicule you in some way and tell you that they know better), write down the word 'Hiroshima' and ask them to say it. If they say 'Her-oh-sheh-muh', tell them that they have NO idea how to pronounce Japanese words, as Hiroshima is pronounced 'Hee-ro-shee-mah'. An 'i' in the Japanese language is pronounced as 'ee', and 'e', again, is pronounced as 'eh'. 'A' is pronounced as 'ah', 'u' is pronounced as 'oo', and 'o' is pronounced as 'oh'. If your parents continue to be stupid, it might be best to find a site that has audio files of the pronunciations. Might help if you have friends in Japanese class, too, along with a teacher who's actually lived in Japan for a while. However, if your parents are stubborn (and just overall pathetically stupid) like mine are, it might be best to just drop the subject. X.x; Yes, my parents are completely stupid as to how Japanese words are pronounced, and don't seem to realize that I not only have several friends in Japanese class, but I also watch an immense amount of anime, I listen to J-pop often, and I study Japanese myself. So please, unless you're Japanese and speak it regularly (and thus, know better than I do), do NOT try to correct me, cuz I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about. And I'm sorry for the long rant, but I had to get it out of my system. ((laughs)) You don't know how many times I've just wanted to slug people for saying 'Hiroshima' wrong. They even mispronounced it in the new 'War of the Worlds'! Geez, if you're going to make a movie, RESEARCH first or get actors who KNOW better! X.x; That movie had a lot of inconsistencies, by the by, but I'm not going to get into that here. I need to end the chapter sometime this century. ((sweatdrops))