UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares
Chapter 2: The One That Flew The Psycho's Nest
Disclaimers: PaRappa the Rapper and UmJammer Lammy guys are owned by Interlink/Rodney Alan "The God of Rodneytown" Greenblat and Sony, Inc.
Rage Against The Machine belongs to Epic Records/Sony, Inc.
Family Guy and Characters belong to Fox Networks, Inc. and Seth MacFarlane.
Bill and Ted are owned by MGM Pictures/Orion Pictures.
Wayne's World is owned by Dana Carvey and Mike Myers.
Primus is owned by Les Claypool and Prawn Song, Inc.
All others are owned by myself.
(On the tour bus, Lammy is being scolded by Katy Kat and Ma-san)
Katy Kat: Lammy, I don't know how you got into those situations, but you got us into trouble! I'd wanted you to be fired from the band and hire Ol' Les Claypool when you did that, but since he can't play guitar as you can, I guess we'll take you over to Dr. Phil's place!
(Lammy faints)
Ma-san: (Yeah, that might teach her a lesson about having these night terrors every day! I see her taking off her clothes and speaks of a "Robby"!)
Lammy: DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM, BEAVIS! KILL HIM! KILL HIM!
(Ma-san looks down with a rolled-eye look)
Ma-san: (Wow. She's crazy.)
Katy Kat: I'm taking the tour bus to New York!
(Katy Kat drives toward New York City)
Lammy: Oh, swell. Thanks a lot, Robby.
(Lammy fake slaps herself)
Lammy: You traitor of Jesus! You believe in Satan!
(At Dr. Phil's office, Dr. Phil is taking calls to Dr. Hannibal Lecter)
Dr. Phil: So, when can I pencil you in?
Dr. Hannibal Lecter: When I eat Clarice?
Dr. Phil: You can't. She's poison.
Dr. Hannibal Lecter: Oh. I'll go on a diet, then. Thanks, Dr. Phil!
(Katy Kat and Ma-san come in with Lammy in their arms)
Dr. Phil: Yes?
Katy Kat: We have a crazy person. She's really crazy.
Dr. Phil: So, when can I pencil you in?
Katy Kat: RIGHT NOW! She has these night terrors that almost gave us a Primus image!
Dr. Phil: Oh, you don't want me. You want Dr. Berri.
Katy Kat: PJ Berri's dad is a doctor! Wow! I didn't know that!
Dr. Phil: He treats night terrors, bad night terrors, and night terrors she had for many days!
Katy Kat: Okay! We'll sign up!
Dr. Phil: He's in the same building as me, but on the top floor.
Katy Kat: T-t-t-top f-f-floor!
Dr. Phil: Yes. Let Ol' Mar take Lammy up to Dr. Berri's, and I'll take you to a fear of flying class, where you'll live with me!
Katy Kat: Well, that's okay. I guess Ma-san can take Lammy to the offices and I'll get treated of my fear of heights.
(Five minutes later, in Dr. Berri's room, Lammy is sitting in a chair)
Dr. Berri: Lammy, I know you had a lot of problems before, so why don't you tell them?
Lammy: My mom died recently, I had nightmares that involve me taking off my clothes...
Dr. Berri: You had nightmares! I'm gonna do what they did to Buddy Rydell!
(Dr. Berri shocks Lammy many times)
Dr. Berri: So, how do you feel?
Lammy: I still think of it. In fact, I even wrote a song about it!
Dr. Berri: Don't even sing it!
(Lammy starts playing "Stairway to Heaven")
Lammy: There's a girl who bought something...
(Lammy falls to sleep)
Dr. Berri: Oh, crap.
(In Lammy's dream POV, Lammy is being stabbed by Robert Plant)
Robert Plant: Lammy! Die! Die! Die!
Lammy: I don't have to, Robby!
Robert Plant: Well, then. I guess I'll shove the knife in you!
Lammy: Crap.
(Robert Plant grabs a jackhammer and before he can kill Lammy, Lammy wakes up)
Lammy: DR. BERRI! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!
Dr. Berri: What? Another nightmare? Ha ha! You're a child, fishface!
(Lammy sticks up her middle finger at Dr. Berri)
Lammy: DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME FISHFACE EVER AGAIN!
Dr. Berri: I'm calling Katy Kat on you!
(Dr. Berri grabs his cellphone and dials Katy's number)
Lammy: NO!
(At Dr. Phil's house, Katy Kat is eating all the salad she can eat when her cellphone rings)
Katy Kat: Hello?
Dr. Berri: Good day, Katherine. One of your friends, Alotta...
Katy Kat: It's not her.
Dr. Berri: I mean, Lammy Page. She did a Trudeau salute on me!
Katy Kat: What?
Dr. Berri: She flicked a bird at me!
Katy Kat: What the crap! She did what to you?
Dr. Berri: She stuck up her middle finger, making it mean...you know.
Katy Kat: That's it! She's going to a funny farm, even if she likes it or not!
Dr. Berri: Good for her. I have a new lead singer for you, and he has to take your place. Do you know how to play guitar?
Katy Kat: Sometimes, I play Primus songs on Lammy's guitar, but she slaps me on the cheek when I do that. She really hates Primus.
(An hour later, on the MilkCan tour bus)
Lammy: Why are you really mad at me, Katherine?
(Katy Kat turns her head in a style like that girl in The Exorcist did)
Katy Kat: You...die...Cornoholio!
Lammy: What the? You...you...
(Lammy starts getting teary)
Lammy: YOU HATE ME!
(Gloomy music plays in the background)
Katy Kat: You flicked a bird at PJ Berri's dad! Now he'll hate us! You're giving us a Rage Against the Machine look!
Lammy: Then I'd be naked for 15 minutes every concert protesting the Parental Advisory sticker! Look!
(Lammy holds up MilkCan's "Live From the Holyday End" CD that has the Parental Advisory sticker)
Katy Kat: At least you did most of the recording and mixing!
Lammy: What the?
(A faint turntable guitar riff is heard in the speakers played backwards)
Speakers(in Zach de la Rocha's voice): Tim Bob! You disobeyed me! Tim Bob! You disobeyed me!
Katy Kat: Ma-san! Turn that off and put another record on the turntables!
(Cut to Ma-san, listening to Led Zeppelin backwards)
Ma-san: (Okay!)
(Ma-san switches the record to "It's Fun To Smoke Marijuana" by Queen)
Ma-san: (Now do you like it?)
Katy Kat: Yes!
(A few minutes later, Lammy is at the San Dimas Insane Asylum)
Clerk: How may I help you?
Katy Kat: We have a crazy person.
(The clerk goes to Lammy and grabs her guitar)
Clerk: You won't need that for many years!
(The clerks sets the guitar on fire)
Lammy: You monster!
(The clerk grabs a straitjacket and puts it on Lammy)
Lammy: What's this?
Clerk: Straitjacket.
(The clerk tightens the straitjacket, making Lammy's arms go together, but not bonding)
Lammy: Katy! How could you do this to me!
Katy Kat: I'm sorry, Lammy, but it has to be done.
Lammy: I'll show you done, crazy Garth!
(Lammy kicks Katy Kat in the crotch)
Katy Kat: AW! THE PAIN! IT BURNS!
(A guy with a orange afro and a gray jumpsuit comes to Lammy and kicks her in the crotch)
Guy: Ha ha ha!
Lammy: Crazy butthead! You kicked me in the crotch!
Guy: My friend, you've been kicked in the crotch!
(Lammy gets taken away to cell number D-666)
Lammy: NO! I WANNA BE BACK IN MY BAND!
(Lammy gets thrown in the cell)
Katy Kat: By the way, Lammy: You're fired, Syd Barrett!
Person: Hey, wasn't he that guy from Pink Floyd. He stinks!
Katy Kat: Shut up.
(Lammy is hiding in a corner, finding a person wearing a red ballcap and a orange shirt with a straitjacket on)
Lammy: Who are you! AAAAAAH!
(Lammy starts hitting her head on the wall, making it bleed like crazy)
Lammy: Who are you people!
(Lammy faints)
Person: Wow. That was non-hainus.
Other Person: Shut up, Bill!
(A few hours later, Lammy wakes up in a old Chevy van, hearing Primus music)
Lammy: Um...where am I?
(She turns her head to see Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan right next to her)
Lammy: AAAAAAAAH!
Bill: Don't worry! We're not gonna hurt you.
Lammy: Who are you people!
Bill: I'm Bill S. Preston, Esq...
Ted: ...and I'm Ted Theodore Logan...
Bill and Ted: ...and we're...WYLD STALYYNS!
(Bill and Ted do their signature air guitar riff)
Lammy: You're Wyld Stalyyns!
Bill: Yes, we are.
Lammy: I have many of your CDs!
Bill: Yeah. We had to get Les Claypool to sign us on his Prawn Song Records so we can get rich and famous!
Ted: Shut up, Bill!
Lammy: Why are we here?
Bill: We know your problems, and we're not the robots. See?
(Bill lifts his shirt and tries to rip his skin, but he can't)
Bill: Told ya.
Lammy: Then, who's driving?
Bill: Our enemies turned best friends: Wayne and Garth!
(Lammy turns her head to see Wayne and Garth driving)
Lammy: Why did I end up here?
Bill: When you hit your head on that wall, you fainted seconds before Katy came to pick you up. We said, "NO! We'll take care of her!", then she left.
Lammy: I have these terrors in my mind that, after them, make me mad like nuts!
Bill: Wow! That's non-non hainus!
Ted: Shut up, Bill!
(Many minutes later, at Ted's house, Lammy is sleeping)
Bill: Night, night, Lammy.
Ted: You said something that was non-hainus!
Bill: Shut up, Ted!
(Outside the house, Ted's dad and Lnt. Oates are sipping on vodka)
Lnt. Oates: Let's get rid of Wyld Stalyyns once and for all!
Ted's Dad: We will, as soon as I send them to your camp! How much is registration?
Lnt. Oates: $1,000.
Ted's Dad: What the crap! You're a crazy guy!
(Suddenly, the time machine/telephone booth lands on top of them, and comes out the evil Bill and Ted robots, built by Chuck De Nomolos)
Evil Bill: Cool! We killed Ted's dad!
Evil Ted: Awesome! We're metalheads!
(Evil Bill and Evil Ted start playing a heavy metal air guitar)
Evil Bill: Now let's kill Lammy Page, so she can't join MilkCan!
(In the house, Lammy wakes up and goes outside to see Evil Bill and Evil Ted)
Lammy: AAAAAUGH! You're gonna kill me!
(A few minutes later, the evil robots throw Lammy off the cliff that killed Bill and Ted in the first place)
Lammy: AAAAAAUGH!
(Lammy dies and her ghost wakes up)
Lammy(ghost): What the? I'm dead!
(Suddenly, Bill and Ted's ghosts appear next to her)
Bill(ghost): Don't worry. We lived through this.
(Lammy sees a faint Meg Griffin in a black robe and she comes close to Lammy)
Meg: Welcome to Death, losers.
Lammy(ghost): You fishhead! You're Meg...Griffin!
Meg: Yeah, my dad made me get this job. They pay a lot to kill people and take them to Heck.
Lammy(ghost): I'm...going...to...Heck again!
(A record needle scratches in the distance)
Lammy(ghost): I don't understand.
(Lammy falls into a deep black hole)
Lammy(ghost): AAAAAUGH!
(Lammy lands on the ground and goes back to life)
Lammy: Wow. That was a quick thing, but where's the alien cheapskate?
Bill: He died a few years back in a DUI case.
Lammy: I need to go back to Rodneytown!
Bill: I'm afraid there's no answer out, Lammy Michelle Page!
(Bill rips off his skin to reveal Robert Plant)
Robert Plant: Hello, Lammy. I'm gonna kill you!
Lammy: AAAAUGH!
Robert Plant: Don't worry, Lammy. This is not a dream!
(Lammy's clothes dissapear)
Robert Plant: I'll kill you...Hey, that's part of the next chapter!
(TGIE comes out of his director's chair)
TGIE: Robert! Robert! You piece of crap! You're reading the next chapter's script!
Robert Plant: Hey, at least this is real!
Lammy: TGIE, can you get me a Pepsi and some fries?
TGIE: Okay! LUNCH BREAK!
This is continued in Chapter 3: LUNCH BREAK!
Chapters I'm making:
Chapter 1: The Trouble Begins...
Chapter 2: The One That Flew Over The Psycho's Nest
Chapter 3: The Fight Begins, but No Lunch Break!
Chapter 4: MilkCan's Tour...With Primus
Chapter 5: Rammy's Revenge
Chapter 6: Flashbacks
Chapter 7: There Comes The Sleepytime Express
Chapter 8: Teriyaki Yoko's Revenge
Chapter 9: Katy To The Rescue
Chapter 10: Getting Away From The Nightmares