center UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares
Chapter 4: MilkCan's Tour...With Primus /center
(Lammy is at her house, in tears and shreads)
Lammy: I wanna be back in MilkCan! Why, Katy, why?
(Lammy gets dressed in a red shirt with a black star in the middle of it, acid-washed jeans, and flip-flops and goes to her Miata)
Lammy: God. I'm going to teach Katy a lesson!
(Lammy drives to the Rodneytown Arena, where the Killers are opening for MilkCan)
Brandon Flowers: (singing "Somebody Told Me")
(Outside the arena, Lammy is buying tickets, when she runs to the concert seating)
Lammy: KATY! KATY!
(On stage, Katy Kat is trying to play guitar, but she is playing it badly and hears Lammy)
Katy Kat: If you didn't have those nightmares, you would be in the band right now and we wouldn't be like Primus!
Lammy: I know, Katy!
Katy Kat: So, get out of here!
Lammy: You want me to not see you in concert?
Katy Kat: Yes! You are banned from every arena that plays us and you have to give your notebook to us sp we can sing your songs!
Lammy: No! I quit! MilkCan's over!
(Lammy runs out of the arena, while Les Claypool and Brandon Flowers are staring at Katy Kat)
Les Claypool: Can we change our name to "Boring 1930s Music"?
Katy Kat: Yes, do whatever you like.
(At Peter's house, Lammy is playing guitar while drunk)
Lammy: So, how many bottles does it take to cook a pizza with a deck of cards in it that were played by a dalmation thing with a hose on it?
Peter: Sing "Rock Lobster"!
(Lammy grabs a guitar with improper tuning, removes 2 strings and starts playing the first chords of "Rock Lobster")
Lammy: (doing an impression of the singing voice of the male B-52 singer) We were at the beach. We all had matching towels. Somebody went under a dock, and there they saw a rock. but it wasn't a rock. It was a rock lobster! Rock lobster! Rock lobster! Rock lobster! Rock lobster!
(Peter, Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland are cheering on for Lammy)
Joe: You're great, Lammy! You should make a solo album with covers of classics!
Lammy: I'll do that, Mr. I-Don't-Have-Legs!
Joe: I'm just getting my legs in a better position!
Lammy: Oh.
Quagmire: Can I sleep with you?
Lammy: Sure, but all of the rest of the guys have to sleep with their wives!
Cleveland: I don't have a wife! She divorced me and took my hyper child!
Lammy: Oh. You can sleep with Katy Kat across the street.
Cleveland: Thanks!
(Cleveland goes across the street to Katy Kat's house, while Quagmire mixes drinks and does his wobble-head move)
Quagmire: Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy!
(Lammy goes over to Quagmire and pokes him on the soldier)
Lammy: Glen?
Quagmire: You can always call me Quagmire! Giggidy giggidy giggidy!
Lammy: What does "giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy" mean?
Quagmire: I'm in love with you!
(Quagmire rips off his clothes to reveal a leapord-skin Speedo)
Quagmire: Do you wear any leapord skin?
Lammy: No, but I do wear blue Speedos and a red bra.
Quagmire: Show 'em to me in the other room.
Lammy: Okay.
(Quagmire and Lammy go into the other room, when Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie, and Brian come back from a Jack in the Box in Quahog)
Lois: Hello, Peter!
Peter: Hey, Lois! A hot girl that plays guitar in a rap-metal band named Rage Against The Machine came over and played 25 Pink Floyd tunes, "She Don't Use Jelly" by that band about lips on fire, and that song that kept me going when I had troubles!
Lois: Do you mean...Tom Morello! He's hot!
Joe: Lammy isn't from Rage, Peter! She's from alternative rock/rap metal/avant-garde band MilkCan, who released a CD on Prawn Song named "Live From The Holday Inn"!
Lois: Oh...BUT LAMMY'S HOT!
Peter: She came and sung...
Lois: You told me that part, Peter.
(Brian comes over and starts playing Lammy's lucky guitar)
Brian: (singing) Money, it's Dorothy! Money, I'm money!
Peter: The song doesn't go like that, Brian!
Brian: I know, buttcheeks. I drank 77 dry martinis tonight and let Chris drive. He crashed the car into a cat and started whining.
(Cut to Chris driving the car with Lois, Meg, Stewie, and a drunken Brian when he hits a cat)
Chris: AAAAUGH! I RUINED DAD'S CAR! I'M GOING TO BE GROUNDED!
(Cut to Stewie in his room playing "The Dark Side of the Rainbow" when Lois comes in and sees Dorothy step out into Munchkinland and a cash register can be heard)
Lois: Stewie! You watch this stuff?
Stewie: Yes, I do, mother. I wish you were pregnant and fed cherries up your sorry, sappy, MilkCan butt!
(Lammy comes in)
Lammy: You said my band? Good for you, Stewie!
Stewie: Shut up, you sorry lamb! If you ruin my privacy one more time, I'll flick a bird and stick your fingers up your nose and your crotch!
Lammy: Bad baby!
(Lammy takes her CDs back, when the sound of the movie starts playing)
Stewie: I'll kill you!
Lammy: You what!
Peter: (from downstairs) Tin roof...rusted!
Lammy: Shut up...AAAAUGH!
(Lammy falls down on the ground, doing the nightmare sequence and taking off her pants)
Lois: Oh, god. What is wrong with you?
(Lammy takes off her shirt and her shoes during the nightmare sequence)
Lois: Lammy! Speak to me!
Lammy: Die, Robert Plant!
(Lammy slaps Lois and then she wakes up)
Lois: You need therapy. Real therapy.
Lammy: What did I do?
Lois: You...had...a...nightmare sequence.
Lammy: Why?
Lois: Probably you hate Robert Plant a lot. C'mon. Go change.
Lammy: Okay!
(Lammy changes into her usual flower shirt, blue jeans, and Vans shoes, and goes into the family car)
Lois: We're going all the way to Atlanta. I remember that time when I went there.
(Cut to when Lois is jumping up and down and looking at the breadsticks)
Lois: Me likey breadsticks! Me likey...Lois, you're a big girl now.
(Cut to Atlanta, where Lois is dropping off Lammy at a regular suburban house)
Lois: Lammy, I'll see you in many months!
Lammy: Okay!
(Lammy walks up the steps with her suitcase and rings the doorbell)
Lammy: Hello? Hello? Hello?
(A person with red spiky hair, a red shirt with black writing of US movie ratings, blue jeans, and black Nike Shox on comes and opens the door)
Person: Hello. Welcome to Atlanta.
Lammy: Wow. I've never been here in a long time.
(Cut back to when Lammy, Katy, and Ma-san were kids and were drinking Coke at a Fuddrucker's like crazy)
Lammy: Yummy! Yummy! Yummy! Yummy!
(Cut back to the person and Lammy in a room with a psychiatrism chair)
Person: Shall I introduce my name?
Lammy: Yes. I'm Lammy Michelle Page.
Person: I'm That Guy In Everclear.
Lammy: You bathe in everclear!
TGIE: No. My father gave me that name.
Lammy: What are you going to do with me?
TGIE: Over a course of 2 months, you are going to be ridded of your nightmares.
Lammy: Well, I can't get rid of my nightmares. I can't beat them, and I broke up MilkCan, because of them.
TGIE: You're from MilkCan! Wow, I love them! I even have their really explicit CD with that "Die!" song!
Lammy: I had writer's block on it. Well, I think my nightmares are gone. Good luck seeing you!
TGIE: No, no! Not so fast!
(TGIE presses a button that shuts every door in the house)
Lammy: NO! NO! NOOOOOO!
u /u
To be continued...