UmJammer Lammy 2: Nightmares

Chapter 7: Teriyaki Gets Her Revenge

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(Lammy and Rammy wake up in a cartoonish boot camp with Led Zeppelin music playing loudly)

Lammy: I told you this is bad!

Rammy: I knew that.

(Robert Plant in military clothes comes up to Lammy and Rammy)

Robert Plant: You lazy crapholes! Get up and get dressed! You have to do everything I say that pops into my mind!

(Robert Plant picks up Lammy and Rammy and puts them on the floor, fully dressed)

Robert Plant: ...and if you don't do a good job, you'll pay!

(Lammy and Rammy salute him, but being really scared)

Lammy: Yes, sir!

Robert Plant: Okay! Go eat your slop, buttheads!

Lammy and Rammy: Yes, sir!

(Lammy and Rammy go to the mess hall, where Darius Rucker dressed up as the Tender Crisp Cowboy serves ground-up Tender Crisp Bacon Cheddar Ranches)

Lammy: I'm allergic to soy.

Rammy: Me, too.

Dairus Rucker: I don't care! EAT IT!

(Lammy and Rammy try to eat the slop, but get inflated)

Lammy: I told you.

Darius Rucker: I don't care! I don't care!

(Lammy and Rammy eat the slop)

Darius Rucker: Is it good, ladies?

Lammy and Rammy: Not that good, yet we're dying over here!

Darius Rucker: I know. Next, you'll say you're Jewish!

(Darius Rucker grabs a whip and whips the girls to the tune to "Whip It")

Lammy: Is it every place that we get whipped to this song?

Rammy: Yeah, usually.

Darius Rucker: SHUT UP, WOMEN! GO DO PUSHUPS...INFINITY!

(Lammy and Rammy go do pushups, but fall down)

Lammy: Can't do anymore pushups!

Rammy: Why do you have these nightmares?

(Robert Plant comes to them and whips Rammy and Lammy)

Robert Plant: Let me tell you something, both of you! I am Teriyaki Yoko, and this version of me will beat you up! Now! Now! Now!

(Robert Plant grabs a anvil and drops it on Lammy's head)

Robert Plant: Muhaha! Muhaha! Muhaha!

(Meanwhile, at the Griffin household, Stewie is playing Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Larde with Brian)

Stewie: Oh, yes! Let me win! Let me win!

(On the screen, Larry dies of full-blown AIDS and Stewie is watching the screen through night))

Stewie: I...lost...I...lost...I...

Brian: Shut up, Stewie! You can always restart with cheat codes...

Stewie: That's the freakin' problem, lousy mutt! I'm trying to beat the game without cheat codes!

Brian: Then what in the heck is this cheat code book in your hand for?

Stewie: I confess. I do use cheat codes. They're cool.

Brian: But why did you die of full-blown AIDS in the game? That wasn't in the deaths!

Stewie: It must be Teriyaki!

Brian: Are you crazy? Teriyaki didn't do it!

Stewie: I read the manual about 77 times, and it said that the cheat codes don't make Larry die!

Brian: Okay, but...I believe you. Teriyaki did it.

(Teriyaki Yoko rises up from Heck and zaps Brian and Stewie)

Teriyaki: How did you know my plan, crapfaces?

Stewie: I played my games until I died...on no deaths!

Teriyaki: I can control anything, Stewart! I can control Lammy and Rammy's fate...and I see them on a bed!

Stewie: I'm taking care of them, you crazy green monster!

Teriyaki: I don't care...and what's this about a exorcism with a dream Ouiji board?

Stewie: We're gonna get you out of their minds!

Teriyaki: I don't care! I'll postpone the date until they die completely!

(Lois, Chris, and Quagmire come in shocked)

Quagmire: You're gonna kill those sey lamb teens? Giggidy giggidy giggidy giggidy!

Teriyaki: SHUT UP, ADDICT! At midnight tonight, they are going to be stabbed in their dreams and you people that interacted with Lammy will be in a Terri Schavio-type state!

Quagmire: I gotta call Strong Sad!

(Quagmire grabs a cell phone out of his pants and dials Strong Sad's number)

Strong Sad (on phone): Hello?

Quagmire: Yes, this is Glenwood Quagmire, friend of Peter and Lois. I'm calling if you can do the dream Ouiji board thing today at 9 p.m?

Strong Sad (on phone): Why?

Quagmire: Teriyaki's gonna kill them and vegetate us at midnight!

Strong Sad (on phone): I'll get there in 2 seconds.

(Strong Sad comes in with a dream Ouiji board and a table)

Lois: Strong Sad! You came! And you got here early!

Teriyaki: You crapheads! You're gonna fail me, but I'll make Robert Plant stronger and eviler!

Lois: You're crazy, Teriyaki. Ever since I heard your wretched music, I thought of you as a stupid Ashlee Simpson!

Teriyaki: Well, is this gonna continue in the next chapter or not?

Lois: Yeah, probably, but I hate you!

Strong Sad: And a dream Ouiji takes 2 hours to set up. So many pieces and so little time, I can tell you that.

Teriyaki: Yes! I'm gonna win something from Satan!

(Cut to Satan giving a piece of paper to Teriyaki)

Satan: Kill...MilkCan and their followers.

Teriyaki: Okay!

Satan: I hate you.

(Cut to Lois in the kitchen, cooking stolen chicken w/Tang inside)

Chris: What are you making, mommy?

Lois: Poached chicken with juice mix.

Chris: Oh, god! You make me sick! I'm going to Roy Rogers! Remember that time when Meg thoughtshe was kidnapped?

(Cut to Meg sitting with a trunk that says "Javensen" with Peter and Lois)

Peter: Meg, Hannah stole you, and you're allergic to milk. You have a boyfriend named Reeve and your mommy was not a Hare Krishna.

Meg: Did you read that from my books?

(Chris comes in with a box saying "NC-17 for violence books")

Chris: Look at these uncut books! Dumbledore gets killed by a flying Playstation, and Janie is hung by her kidnapper!

(Cut back to Lois and Chris)

Lois: You are not going to Roy Rogers again! You are eating here!

Chris: Okay. I'll watch Kurt Cobain get killed by Courtney Love on video, and try to learn Michael Jackson moves!

(Upstairs, Stewie is playing "Mortal Kombat 7: We Are Tired of This!", while Strong Sad is still setting up the Ouiji board)

Stewie: Wanna play?

Strong Sad: No.

Stewie: I hate myself.

Strong Sad: Well, I have a cure for that.

(Strong Sad gets out a vinyl record of "Happy Happy Joy Joy")

Stewie: Oh, no! Not that song!

Strong Sad: Well, then. Will you move your PlayStation 3 into Chris' room, then?

Stewie: Okay.

(Stewie picks up his iPod and a copy of Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas with the AO rating and goes to Chris' room, where he is copying Michael Jackson in every way)

Chris: Hey, Stewart. I'm an ugly white boy!

Stewie: GAY MAN!

Chris: Oh.

(Strong Sad's voice is heard)

Strong Sad: I have it ready! We can get Lammy and Rammy out now!

(to be continued in Chap. 8: The Destruction of Robert Plant)