(Ok, ACT II. Me and Lyra were talking about this for almost 4 hours. Planning this was so fun...WHY CANT ANY OF THIS BE REAL! Tidus is the angry drunk because...well, you know. Cloud (Thanks to that loser Tifa.) is in an inner drama, and Zell loves R&B! XDD And Seifer can't hold his own...loser! XD)
Why Final Fantasy Doesn't Make Fan Clubs
ACT II
(Cloud, Tidus, Zidane, Seifer, Cid, and Zell are all sitting around a table crowded with liquor, whiskey, and party drinks. They are all DRUNK.)
Tidus: (angry drunk.) What are you looking at Poof?
Cloud: (sad drunk.) Stop calling me that...
Tidus: Or what?
Cloud: Just stop it...(whining.)
Tidus: As if "Cloud" wasn't fruity enough...lets just call you Poof!
Zidane: (leaning on Cloud.) Hey, Cloud, whatchya doin'? Lets play a game! Lets play spin the bottle.
Cloud: I don't wanna...(lies down on the couch, turned away from the rest of the room.)
Zidane: Yes you do, cuz you're giddier than a school girl!
(Zell crosses over to the couch and sits down next Cloud.)
Zell: (singing drunk.) I know what will cheer you up. Ahem: Unbreak my heart...say you love me again...
Cloud: No one will ever be able to unbreak my heart...NEVER! (bursts into tears.)
Cid: (horny drunk.) Well honey, what's wrong? Tell Cid what's wrong...
Zidane: (laughs, off in his own world..) Ha...HaHa...Cid hears a cootchy callin'...take me with you! (big, dopey smile and still laughing.)
Seifer: (stupid drunk. stands up and trips over table.)
Cloud: (still crying.)
Tidus: Argh...shut up bitch! (slaps Cloud on the back of the head.)
Cid: You're so angry...let me make you happier...
Seifer: Cid likes roosters, and not kitties...
Tidus: Shut up, you imbecile...
Zell: (still singing.) Hush, little Cloud now don't you cry...Zell is gonna buy you an apple pie...
Tidus: Those aren't even the right words! (swings at Zell.)
Zidane: (hugs Tidus.) What are you doing, you silly goose? Come on, where you wanna go? Lets go eat chocolate and drink more margaritas! Wanna do that? Let's do that. LET'S DO THAT!
Tidus: Get off me, monkey! (pushes Zidane to the floor.)
Cloud: I'm not good enough...
Seifer: I can't walk, that's funny.
Zidane: What do you mean you're not good enough?
Cloud: I'm not good enough to have a number...
Tidus: Excuse me? I don't even exist! BABY!
Cloud: Stop it, leave me alone. Why doesn't anybody love me?
Tidus: You treat me like crap all the time! I hate you! (bursts into tears.) I hate you!
(Tidus flips the couch.)
Cloud: (looks up from the ground, rubbing his head and curling into a tighter ball.) He always hurts me, always...
(Tidus has steam coming out of his ears.)
Tidus: You are so full of shit. You always yell at me, and tell me to shut up, and treat me like I'm nothing. So shut the (BEEP) up!
Cloud: I know, but I don't mean to...and I'm mordunate an betayuhink...imbariteendj...(sobbing uncontrollably and slurring everything together.)
Seifer: (strangely thinks he understands, nodding.) I know, right.
Zell: What about, all about? The things that you said. What about, all about? Promises that you made. What about, all about? The nights that you gave. What about, all about? Things you told me...What about us?
Zidane: Yay, lets sing! Come on, Cloud. Get up and sing. What song do you like? If you like it I like it, what song do you like?
Cloud: (still lying on the floor.) Fuerdaluffagahd...animaduaduiee...TRANSLATION: For the love of God……and hell if I know! Tifa never really loved me...I'm ugly and scrawny and blonde...(weeps.)
(Conversation between Ghost Faerie and Lyra.)
Lyra: What do you mean "the hell if you know"?
Ghost Faerie: It's supposed to be that way.
Lyra: Ok, why?
Ghost Faerie: Because, dude. Just drop it.
Lyra: Nah, dude, I think you should translate it…
Ghost Faerie: It can't be translated.
Lyra: Why not?
Ghost Faerie: Because it was supposed be just gibberish!
Lyra: Dude, that's gay……(reaches for the key board. GF slaps her hand.)
Ghost Faerie: What do you think you're doing?
Lyra: Change it man!
Ghost Faerie: (pushes Lyra.) Quit your shit!
Lyra: Move DOUCHEY!
Ghost Faerie: Get bent Tits McGee!
Lyra: BADGER BUTT PLUG!
Ghost Faerie: Titty wrinkle!
Lyra: Cock Head Crease!
Ghost Faerie: You're a little slut, and you LOVE it!
Lyra: How DARE you! (slaps GF and knocks her into the power box. The whole house gets dark.)
Ghost Faerie: Oh, sure, you just had to knock me into our POWER supply…
Lyra: Hey, at least it's a lap top.
Ghost Faerie: Yeah, you're right……hey don't change the subject! It's time for a good lashin' BITCH! (suddenly drops to the floor like a robot with dead batteries.)
Lyra: Oh, look, her anti-depressants and really powerful Ritalin wore out. Guess I'll continue with our story…………
(BACK TO THE STORY…………)
Tidus: We're all blonde, you little girl!
Cloud: Stop it; I'm not a little girl...
Seifer: (spacing out.) I wish I were a little girl...then I can braid my hair into cute little pig tails and put pretty bows in it, too.
Zidane: (all smiles.) I wanna learn how to braid hair! Let's all give each other a makeover!
Tidus: (BEEP) no.
Seifer: Yeah let's do that. (Starts to walk over to Zidane, but trips over the couch.)
Tidus: Pfft. Walk much?
Seifer: (little stars circling head.) Why, yes I do.
Cloud: Nothing can ever make me beautiful...I don't even have a number...I'm not worth anything...anyudunifenkaer... TRANSLATION: and you don't even care…(sobbing.)
(Voice sounds from above.)
Lyra: I'll call you number 17, because 17's my favorite number! (She's obsessed with android 17. And for good reason...XDD)
Cloud: (looks up with tears streaming down cheeks.) I...I can't believe it. I have a number...finally...ihafanumberliesefeeroth...TRANSLATION: I have a number like Sephiroth. (sobbing again.)
(Tifa walks in.)
Tifa: Cloud? Why are you crying?
(Room goes silent.)
Cloud: (looks over at her.) Why are you here?
Tifa: I don't know. I just saw the door open...
Cloud: Well, get out! I hate you!
Tifa: What the hell is wrong with you?
(Zell walks in front of her, and grabs her hands.)
Zell: I know you; I walked with you once upon a dream. I know you; the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam...
(Tifa jerks away from him. Zell becomes frustrated.)
Zell: Quit your shit, bitch...ahem. And I know it's true, that visions are seldom more they seem. But if I know you, I know what you'll do. You'll love me at once, a way you did once upon a dream.
(Tifa pushes him into the wall.)
Tifa: ANYWAY...what the hell is wrong with you Cloud?
Cloud: Therenothing wrongwit me.
Tifa: Are you drunk?
Cloud: (astonished.) Wow, nothing gets pass you!
Tifa: Hey, would you look at me?
Tidus: Pfft. He never looks at you, because your other two girls are prettier than you.
Tifa: What did you say!
Cid: Oh, Tifa, you're like a torch. So hot...
Seifer: (looks appalled.) EWWWW...
Cid: What's wrong with me? I'm hitting on Tifa...
Tidus: You've been hitting on all of us, you queer!
Cid: Takes one to know one. I mean, look at your shorts. One leg is longer than the other, which makes you bi!
Tidus: WHAT'D YOU SAY!
Cid: Oh, baby, don't be so upset...
Zell: (suddenly appears next to Cid.) He's saying I'm on a roll, with all the girls I know. His baby momma don't need to know. He's saying I'm on a roll, with all the girls I know. I know you wanna hit that. I know you wanna hit that, HIT THAT!
Cid: Wow, Zell. I never realized what a great voice you had...(moves a little closer to Zell.)
Zell: (stays quite for a bit.)...Move, Bitch. Get out the way! Get out the way, Bitch, get out the way! (pushes Cid over.)
(Quina enters. Oh no...)
Zidane: (looks over at Seifer and starts laughing.) Dun. Dun. DUN!
Seifer: What? (sees Quina.) Oh no...
Quina: I bring Qu Tequila and vibrat-Uh...pringles.
Seifer: Even being drunk off my ass doesn't make you any prettier!
Quina: (blushes and tongue gets longer.) You always say that...
Zidane: So, Quina. Have you picked out any curtains yet? (laughs.)
Seifer: Shut the hell up!
Quina: Oh yes! Me pick out two sets!
Seifer: (stands up.) Zidane...(walks around Cloud but still trips.)
Zell: (can't help himself.) So, darling, there you are...
Seifer:Don't start that shit with me! (pushes Zell into the wall. Quina latches on to him, riding him to the ground.)
Zell: (sitting back up and seeing the couple, he begins another song.) If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Takin' is too easy, friendship never ends!