All That's Left….
Authors Note: It took longer then expected but here is chapter 3. This chapter is pretty smut free, but be forewarned the language probably still warrants the M. Oh and I just want to put it out there that I am a happy ending kind of girl. Just have that in mind with this fic because I know there is nothing I hate more than when a fic ends and it's wholly depressing and it doesn't end well and I'm mad at myself for reading it, ha ha. Oh and if you are reading please review. Even a small keep going is nice and makes me happy. Chapter threes title is courtesy of My Chemical Romance.
Premise: Luke and Lorelai unexpectedly cross paths after 4 months apart and all kinds of chaos ensue.
Chapter 3 "I'm Not Okay":
"Mom," Rory cried out as she made her way inside her mother's house. "I am home."
"I am in my room." Lorelai yelled back. "Meet me up here!"
"I am on my way." Rory responded. "You know when I came home last summer you practically tackled me. Now you are making me come to you. My how times have changed."
"I would gladly tackle you in 30 minutes when this is over." Lorelai replied her voice echoing through out the house.
Rory laughed at her mom and started to walk towards the staircase. She was taking in everything around her. She was happy to be home. She was happy to know that nothing much had changed since the last time she was here. As her eyes wandered over the contents of her house a blue colored object caught her attention. She quickly went to over to the corner of the room where it was located and went to investigate. She picked the object up as a huge smile made its way to her face.
"Mom…" Rory said again her tone more inquisitive.
"I said come here. I am watching Desperate Housewives... They seem really desperate this week. I can't get up." Lorelai jokingly yelled.
Rory practically skipped up the stairs quickly making her way into Lorelai's room. She looked at her mom lying on her bed intently watching the television and chuckled.
Then, Rory threw the blue baseball cap in her hands on to her mother's bed right into Lorelai's line of vision.
"Something you want to tell me?" Rory said the happiness evident in her voice.
Lorelai looked down at the cap, then up at her daughter. Then back down at the cap, and then back up into her daughter's expectant eyes. Not knowing what to do or say she quickly turned off the TV. Lorelai began to inwardly panic. How did Luke forget his hat? That thing was as much a part of him as his legs were. How does one forget their legs? You don't just forget your legs, damn it.
Lorelai looked at Rory who was clearly waiting for an explanation. She had no idea what to say. The last thing she wanted to do was try and explain whatever the hell had been going on between her and Luke.
"That's not… He must have left that here a long time ago." Lorelai quickly tried to cover.
"I have seen him wear this since you two broke up, Mom. Something is going on here. It's written all over your face. Come on tell me what's up." Rory said now slightly confused. If her Mom and Luke were back together that was great news. So why was her mom giving her the runaround?
"It's just not what you think it is." Lorelai tried again.
Rory bounced on the bed next to her mother.
"Mom, come on tell me what's going on. You aren't a very good liar. Why are you trying to lie, anyway? If you are back with Luke that's great! Its more than great it's fantastic…"
"We aren't back together." Lorelai interrupted. She couldn't stand to hear how great and fantastic it would be if they were, especially not from Rory.
"Oh," Rory returned her smile fading.
"Then why is this here?" Rory asked pointing at the hat.
She looked at her daughter with her big blue concerned eyes and couldn't find it in her heart to lie.
"Um well…" Lorelai started. "How do I put this…Okay, remember how you and Logan started out."
"Yeah." Rory said with a nod of her head.
"Well, it's kind of like that." Lorelai tried out.
"Casual? Like you are dating Luke and other people?" Rory asked confused.
"Oh no, It's not like that." Lorelai said quickly. At least it wasn't for her. Oh god, what if Luke was seeing someone else. Okay she couldn't think about that horrific thought right now she needed to focus on Rory.
"Then what is it like, Mom?"
"Um, it's sort of like friends with benefits?" Lorelai delicately tried.
"Friends with benefits?" Rory questioned somewhere between disgusted and concerned.
"Minus the friend's part," Lorelai added sheepishly.
"Oh Mom." Rory responded. "That doesn't seem very Luke like."
"That seems to be the general consensus." Lorelai sadly responded. "Now, can we please watch the end of Desperate Housewives?"
Rory saw the look on her mother's face and decided not to press the issue.
"Sure, scoot over." Rory replied laying down next to her mom in bed.
A full moon lit up the night sky of Stars Hollow. The air was crisp and cool and Lorelai walked around town with no particular destination in mind. She just thought that she needed fresh air and perspective, and a walk might accomplish both. So far she was half right. The fresh air was nice but perspective wasn't coming as easily as the breathing was. Her earlier conversation with Rory had really gotten to her. Sure her daughter was grown but what kind of example was she setting? When Rory had left to spend the night at Lanes, Lorelai had found the sudden need to be anywhere but at home.
Lorelai looked out in front of her and marveled at how night fall changed the whole look of the town. Everything became so still, so silent, everything looked surreal, almost fake. The trees looked like they were made out of plastic. The buildings looked like cardboard cut outs. And as she looked into the glass window of Weston's she caught her own reflection. She wasn't surprised to see that she resembled a paper doll version of herself. The night's magic had reached her as well.
She kept on her trek until Luke's became clear in her view. She allowed herself a quick glance inside and saw Luke with a rag in his hand idly cleaning the diner's counter. He looked real. He wasn't flimsy and paper. He looked positively normal. For some reason his lack of change made her stomach knot. She wasn't sure if she was angry or depressed or both. She just knew that the night should affect him too. He should show some sign that he was affected, too.
She wished for a simpler time before her and Luke ever got together. Back when it would have been easy to ignore the closed sign that hung in the door. She could burst in, and even though he might act irritated, his slight smile would always give away the fact that he was glad she had stopped by. She could beg for coffee, flirt shamelessly, and be on her merry way. Everything was easy then. Everything fit in a nice little box. Nothing complicated, nothing heart wrenching.
Everything was different now. She didn't just go to the diner anymore. She didn't drink his coffee. She didn't need to flirt. She and Luke were this ambiguous blob of emotions. They were by no means together but not quite apart. Lorelai felt so undefined lately and she knew it was mostly because of Luke. The notion really bothered her. She had never let relationships with men define her. She had always been fiercely independent. She never let guys get too close and now she knew exactly why.
Lorelai knew she should go in there and confront Luke about what kept happening between them. Their little game had been going on for over a month now. It had become a science, accidentally running into each other on purpose. Falling into the nearest bed, not saying anything, pretending they were fine with it. She couldn't do it anymore. But, she wasn't so sure she had the strength to say what she needed to say and not be distracted by him. The last thing she wanted was another incident, as she had started calling their encounters in her head. Being alone with him, with his apartment so close, was far too risky.
Plus, why was she the one who had to initiate a conversation between the two of them? Luke had to know things couldn't keep going on the way they were. Why wasn't he outside the Dragon Fly watching her? Why wasn't he the one trying to find the courage to go inside and talk to her?
"Lorelai," the sound of Luke's voice quickly startled her out of her thoughts.
Oh crap. Had she been staring this whole time? She must have been. He probably had seen her gawking at him, and had decided to come outside and see what the hell was wrong with her.
"Luke." Lorelai finally managed to choke out.
"Are you okay?" Luke asked concerned.
"I am fi…" Lorelai started to say but something stopped her from the automatic response. She finally snapped. "Actually, I am not fine. I am not fine or okay. I am far from okay. I am so far from okay. I don't even know what okay looks like anymore. I am probably alone in that. You seem perfectly okay. But, me not so much."
"Oh okay." Luke dumbfoundingly replied. He had a pretty good idea what she was talking about but he needed a little more information to be sure. Lorelai's little outburst hadn't really surprised him, but it had taken him a little bit off guard.
"No, Luke not okay. Were you not listening? You and I, we are so not fucking okay!" Lorelai's voice shook angrily.
"Lorelai, come on. We need to talk. I know that." Luke sighed. He futilely tried to soothe her, with the calmness in his voice.
"Damn right we need to talk. This has to stop. We have got to stop." Lorelai said with all the pent up frustration of the last month as fuel. He was being so calm. It was making her crazy!
"Well, then I guess there isn't really much to say. Is there?" Luke returned quickly. If Lorelai wanted completely out of what had been happening between them, he couldn't blame her. He knew he was in no position to ask anything of her. So really what was left to say? She deserved more then he had been willing to give. She was better off without him.
"Wait, what? That's it." Lorelai started angrily. "For like a month now we keep having unbelievable sex. But, then you don't say anything. So, I get scared and I don't say anything. Then it becomes expected that nothing is said. I feel empty, Luke. It's been killing me to be with you but not really be with you. After all that, all you have to say is that there really isn't much to say? That's bullshit. There is a ton to say. Like why the hell did we start doing this? Why can't we seem to stop? I know I hurt you and I know that's why we broke up... but why can't you forgive me? I mean isn't it clear I am sorry? Haven't I shown how pathetic I will be in order to keep you in my life some how…." Lorelai began to furiously wipe at her cheeks as uncontrollable tears fell down her face.
Luke looked into Lorelai's eyes and felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He was such a jerk. He was so caught up in his own inner turmoil, he hadn't truly been aware of what he had been doing to her. The things she had said, the look on her face, was too much for him. He realized how much he loved her, and how badly he had messed up everything by his inability to express well… anything. Forgiveness, love, pain, he couldn't find the words to articulate any of the emotions inside of him.
"I am sorry." Luke finally choked out. It wasn't much, but it was a start. "I am really sorry."
Lorelai looked into Luke's eyes and she knew he was being sincere. He really was sorry. But, did that really matter at this point? Her anger was subsiding and a deep sadness was now settling into the pit of her stomach. Suddenly she felt the overwhelming need to sit down. So she slowly lowered herself on the curb outside the diner. Her elbows rested on her knees and she put her face in her hands.
Luke instinctually sat down next to her. He looked over at her obviously in so much pain and he hated himself. Suddenly a sense of déjà vu rushed over him. How many times before had he and Lorelai sat side by side like they were right now. Usually they were having some kind of deep life changing conversation. Something told him that this would be another one of those times. He felt like if he didn't do something drastic this might end up being the last life altering conversation. This would be the conversation that put them out of each others lives for good. He didn't want that. It was absolutely the last thing he wanted. He had been killing them both, and for what? Because she had hurt him? Because he was stubborn? None of it seemed to matter anymore. She was beautiful. She was everything to him. He had pushed her past her breaking point. It wasn't her fault she wasn't the perfect illusion he had made her out to be. He finally understood that she was a real person just like he was. She made mistakes just like everyone else. She deserved so much more than he had been giving her. He just needed to fix everything, to go back in time, to be a different man, but he didn't know how.
Lorelai broke Luke out of his thoughts as she began to softly speak, her anger giving way to a sad surrendering tone, "I shouldn't have yelled. It took two of us to do… well…. Everything. I thought maybe I could wait this out, and eventually things would be different. It won't be and I should have known that. You have been perfectly clear. It's not your fault. I should go..."
Lorelai began to get up but Luke put his hand firmly on her shoulder.
"Don't go." Luke said his voice thick with emotion. His tone was so startling to Lorelai that she did what she was told and sat back down.
"You had every right to yell." Luke began. "I am so messed up. I broke up with you and I just couldn't… You are just… It was so hard. I think I went to Al's that day because I knew you went there and I was hoping…. Things just go so out of hand. Man I suck at talking, Lorelai. You know that. I just know I don't want you to leave."
"I don't want to leave, but I just don't know how to stay anymore." Lorelai turned to look at Luke with glassy eyes.
"Good bye, Luke." She whispered placing a light kiss on his cheek. She made another attempt to stand up.
"Wait. Please, Lorelai." Luke said grasping for her hand but missing it.
Lorelai stood up and looked back down at Luke, "Luke, what's left to say?"
A/N 2: Wee bit of a cliffhanger….