I did not want in the least to disconnect from the only pictures of Rufus I have left, and if it cost me my life well, fuck it, my life wasn't going anywhere anyway. I realised that my companion was looking at me, and probably had been for a while. I smiled absently, wondering whether I would miss Rufus as much if I were not so viscerally reminded of him. Zach…I brought you here to talk to you, and now I'm not even sure if I can still breathe.

"You loved him," Zach's brow creased, his words a source of considerable pain, "I wonder if I could - love like that."

My eyes bled their apology, swallowing salt water before it could fall. Without even trying I manage to draw everyone around me into my mounting pile of fuck-ups. I doubt I will care in the morning. But the morning is a long way away.

It happened with such subtlety and with such perfect order to it that I really ought to have seen it coming, Zach's right hand drawing closer to rest lightly on the side of my face. I can't remember the last time I cared enough to shave, the last time I could actually make myself look in the mirror. He looked into my eyes and I into his. I saw….adoration, total surrender. I almost choked on my guilt, and that sense of self-importance that comes from being in this situation with one who behaves so earnestly and with such passion that they must be inexperienced.

I wrapped my hand around his wrist and turned it to plant a feather-light kiss on his palm, my eyes lowered. I swear I saw the capillaries in his fingers all stand to attention, blood rushing around his body in envious arousal. He pulled me closer, knowing what he wanted. I submitted, wanting this time, his first time, to be his own, to be complete. We stood no more than an inch apart, breathing in each other's breath, tasting that sweet apprehension that made me shudder, growing ever more painfully hard. Zach unbuttoned my shirt, removing it in a graceful sweep and holding it to his face for a half second, breathing my scent in as deeply as he could. I tried to speak; it took a while for me to remember how,

"You know….what will happen?"

He smiled, the most innocent and utterly beautiful smile I have seen for years. Rufus never smiled. I feel as though I betray him, but now the shell is broken, don't you see, Rufus? Now there is no more pretence, no more lies. I returned the favour to him, letting his shirt drop to the ground and watching a fine gauntlet of dust glitter and spin only to settle again. It might have never happened. Just like our lives, when the answers are finally found. I ran a fine line of kisses from his collarbone to his navel, timing them so as to coincide with the rapid rise and fall of his chest, reserving the most passionate kiss fora swollenbullet-wound scar on his abdomen. I felt him so clearly then we might have been one person, one soul. I felt a flash of pride and a surge of pleasure, bruised and broken seraphim whispering his name.

We undressed each other rather more slowly than either of us could stand, and soon we were locked together in a fierce kiss against the cold wooden altar, bare of all adornment save for shreds of crimson cloth. Perfect. I stepped up and onto it and beckoned that Zach follow. I looked deep into his eyes and wished that he knew how much I wanted him, how at that very second I loved him more than life itself. He lay on his back and, in one lithe gesture rested his heels on my shoulders.

I kissed him again and again, my eyes unwavering and hoping against hope that he would relax, that I would not hurt him. I held my breath and prayed. It was indescribable, it was me and everything I've ever been, buried and euphoric, swelling to meet the surface and the touch of his skin. He was every lover I've ever had, he was the answer to all my unconscionable needs and absolute panacea. It tore me apart to open my eyes, to discard all the magnificence I saw making slow revolutions of the inside of my head, but I had to watch him; to watch his exquisite muscles contract as his breathing was reduced to a slow shudder, to the whispers of omniscient submission. I squeezed my eyes shut again, as tightly as I could, and held my breath, knowing thatanother second of thismight be more than I could take.

I called his name, and he was choking on mine, on the grinding enormity of the brink of release. I felt a pulsing, glowing light; I know it's impossible but I did - I saw him, naked, beautiful, smiling, inside my head. And radiating from him in a glorious starburst was the most transcendental, perfect light. I nodded, smiling myself, and the light washed over me, into me, forcing my tensed and thrusting muscles to relax, to quiver as waves of viscous warmth dragged the light to every corner of my soul. It was above orgasm; it was more, it was spiritual and complete and made the simple consequence of coming so distant, so mundane and redundant. I had seen so much, and yet all I could see now was my own mind liquefying into a post-climactic stupor.

He reached for me and I embraced him, leaning my weight against his chest and the warm pool of semen on his stomach as I withdrew, totally spent. Zach turned onto his side and I held him so tightly and so close I was surprised that he didn't cry out with the pain of it, of being crushed against me for that moment before the fatigue made me slacken my grip. He nestled his head against my throat and wrapped the tattered altar cloth around us both. I was asleep almost immediately, and I did not dream.