Disclaimer: Sadly, I don't own the rights of Earthbound. If I did, then North America would finally get some new Earthbound games for N64, GameBoy, GameCube, etc. About time, isn't it?
Author's Note: The conclusion of this story! I want to thank everyone who reviewed; you're great! I never tried to send this to the Summer Funfest. I looked around for information on it, but couldn't find anything. Does anyone know whether they had it this year? If they did, then oops, I missed it.
South of Summers
...Is Always a Bad Sign
"That was so embarrassing," Paula moaned from her bed, shaking her head left and right. She still burned with humiliation.
Jeff examined his wounds, careful not to inflict any additional unnecessary pain toward himself. "What are we going to tell Ness when he gets here?"
"There's no reason why he has to know anything," Paula snapped quickly. "I can't believe you told the nurse to call Ness. What kind of idiot are you? He doesn't need to know what happened!"
"He will eventually find out," reasoned Jeff. "I suggest we both work on an alternate story to tell him to cover up the truth. I am currently unable to think of an adequate explanation. Any ideas, Paula?"
Without the ability to rub her chin in thought, Paula's mind was rendered useless. If Jeff couldn't think of anything with his large mental capacity, what chance did she have? "I have no ideas. You think of something. It's your own fault for telling the nurse to call him anyway."
"This is in no way my fault," Jeff defended eagerly. "First of all, you were the one who provoked the fight. Second of all, you were the one who gave us temporary insanity when your prayer backfired. Third of all, if you hadn't bought that ridiculously priced bracelet from the store, we would have had enough money to pay ourselves out of the hospital, thus avoiding the whole situation in the first place!"
Paula was left speechless. She had no argument to defend herself. "Yeah, well... you have myopia and I don't!" She stuck her tongue out at him triumphantly.
"Myopia is contagious," Jeff told her sarcastically. He coughed dramatically in her direction. "Don't catch it."
"Ay! I can't see!" Paula rubbed her eyes frantically.
Jeff's eyes grew round with excitement. "Really? Short-sightedness is contagious after all! Do you have a pen or something? Oh, I must record this new discovery!" He looked frantically around the room for a writing utensil.
"No you idiot, you got spit in my eye."
"Oh." Jeff was crestfallen.
The soft snap of the doorknob alerted the two that someone was about to enter the room. Paula and Jeff clung to their bed sheets in anticipation.
"Miss Paula? Mister Jeff?" the blonde nurse poked her head in the room.
Paula let out a sigh of relief. "Oh thank God. I thought you were Ness and Poo."
"Um, miss, actually, they're here." The nurse motioned the two boys in, to her dismay.
"Hey guys," Ness critically eyed each friend. "Uh, yeah, so..." He was desperately trying to phrase his words as to not be too abrupt or rude. "Would you like to tell me what happened?"
"Tell him, Paula," Jeff turned to her.
Paula sent Jeff an icy glare. She secretly wanted to use PSI Freeze B on him. "Well, uh, you see... we were shopping right? And, uh, you know what a crazy klutz Jeff is! So, well, he tripped over an ant that was on the sidewalk and hit his head on the ground hard. And I tripped over him, and the same thing happened to me. The next thing we knew, we were in the hospital!"
Paula and Jeff held their breaths.
Ness raised his eyebrows. "So, uh, that's what really happened?"
"Yes," Jeff said quickly. "It was unavoidable."
"Just like James Dean's accident," Paula added.
"Or John Lennon."
"Or-"
"I get it I get it," Ness muttered. "Anyway, I paid your hospital bill, and you're free to go-"
"Sounds like bail," Jeff commented.
"-But I have to know, why didn't you have enough money to pay it yourself? I saw Paula take a large wad of bills before you guys left. What happened? You didn't spend it all on hookers... Jeff?"
Jeff glared at Ness, annoyed and insulted. "I don't do that kind of thing," he said coldly. "Paula used up most of our money on a very over-priced bracelet she bought in the gift shop."
"It was worth it," insisted Paula as she dug around in her pant pockets to retrieve it. "What the... where did it go?"
Somewhere on the sidewalk, a seagull spotted the bracelet lying on the stone-cobble sidewalk. Confusing it with food, it dived and tore it to shreds. The bird swallowed a rather large bead, choked on it, and died.
After reluctantly dragging a starry-eyed Poo away from a rather attractive nurse, Ness led his friends out the door.
"Well, I hope we don't have to deal with anything like that anymore," he said, glancing at each of them. "Why don't we just grab a bite to eat?"
"Good idea," Paula agreed. "There's a gourmet restaurant near our hotel. Why don't we go in there?"
The group travelled the short distance to the restaurant, which was unusually empty during the lunch hour. The waiter seated them and handed them their menus.
"How do you think Royal Iced Tea differs from regular iced tea?" Paula thought outloud with the stroke of her chin.
"The price," Jeff told her.
"Oh, right."
While engrossed in their menus, without warning, the head chef came out swinging, armed with a butcher's knife. "You kids ruined me! Ruined me!"
"Hold up!" Ness tried to subdue the manic man. "What do you mean, 'We ruined you'?"
"You defeated Kraken! No one orders my Kraken Soup anymore, so my business has been greatly diminished!"
"Wait a minute," Poo cut in. "Your Kraken Soup does not contain any real Kraken, so why would it matter if we defeated it or not?" (It is male or female?)
"Because now everyone knows I am a fraud!" the chef roared. He looked much more frightening than Kraken itself. "I'm going to kill you little twerps!"
"Ha!" Ness stood up importantly. "I don't think so! Come on everyone, let's teach this guy a lesson!"
Manic Head Chef wants to fight! Manic Head Chef attacks! Just missed!
Ness narrowly dodged his butcher's knife. He glanced at his friends, who nodded. He smiled, and their wave of butt-kicking commenced.
Poo tried PSI Starstorm Omega! 212 HP damage to Manic Head Chef!
Jeff attacks (with his fork)! 3 HP damage to Manic Head Chef!
Paula tried PSI Freeze B! 87 HP damage to Manic Head Chef!
Ness tried PSI Ness (aka his favourite thing is himself, that cocky little bastard) Omega! 472 HP damage to Manic Head Chef! Manic Head Chef stopped moving! A triumphant fanfare played.
"We won!" Ness cheered, kicking the unconcious body away. "Come on, let's go." The group left the restaurant to a bewildered waiter and large mess after their wake.
"I guess we remembered how to fight with Ness around," Paula mumbled to Jeff. Jeff tugged on his shirt collar uncomfortably.
"Now what?" Poo groaned as his stomach ached hungrily.
Ness wiped his forehead, suddenly aware of the intensity of the heat and sunshine. His throat begged to be relieved of its dryness. "We'll just order some room service then. Since this is an all expenses paid trip, we don't need to worry about how expensive it is to eat at the hotel, right?"
They all agreed it was a good idea, and headed back to their hotel room. That's where another problem plagued the group.
"Four people, two beds," Paula observed. She eyed the rest of her male friends suspiciously.
"Uh, I call the couch," said Jeff quickly. He took a seat on the lumpy sofa as a claim to his territory.
"Well," Ness began, his tongue gliding around the walls of his mouth. "Since I did most of the work in the destruction of Giygas, I think it would only be fair that I am the one who gets my own bed."
"That's pathetic!" Paula scoffed. "I'm a girl, so I should get my own bed. It wouldn't be very fair if you expected me to sleep with one of you, would it?"
Poo scoffed louder. "What a load of bull crap. I know you and Ness have just been dying to get into bed together--"
"What!" the two shrieked.
"So if I take the bed for myself, then you'll finally get the chance!"
"You don't want to share with me, sometimes I wet my bed at night!"
"I roll around when I sleep! I'll crush whoever's on my side!"
"I am a prince, damnit!"
The heated argument of whom was worthy of their own bed continued to progress without much hope. Jeff stood up from the couch and annouced that he was going for a walk.
Once Jeff was out the door and out of sight, Ness stepped back from the argument. "We're going to fight for it then." He closed his eyes and concentrated his mind. "PSI Ness Omega!"
Paula and Poo were both hurled off their feet, but seemed unfazed.
"PSI Starstorm Omega!" Poo shouted.
"PSI Fire Omega!" declared Paula simutaneously. A burst of light clashed, sending all three up in the air.
The PSI battle continued...
Jeff sat in the hotel restaurant, nibbling away at a bag of fifty-dollar gourmet french fries alongside with his fifteen-dollar five star quality ketchup. His focus centered around the magazine he was reading. The drool from his mouth glazed the pictures as he flipped through the pages.
"That is hot," he murmured. "Gorgeous. Oh yeah, I'd want to test-run that... Oh my God, those are huge! I wonder what size those are?"
He turned the page. "WHOA! 500 gigs of hard drive space!" He began to prespire profusely.
Jeff was so engrossed with his copy of PC Magazine that he didn't notice the herds of people running out the door, shrieking until one of them knocked his eighty-dollar mocha latte into his lap.
"Hey!" He stood up to find the culprit until he became aware of the droves rushing past him. A flash of light caught his eye, so bright that Jeff probably needed a new prescription for his glasses. It was coming from, where else, his own hotel room. Sensing trouble, Jeff decided to investigate.
The door was ajar. Jeff could hear his friends yelling commands, and more lights erupted like fireworks. Finally, he gathered the courage to peek into the room through the doorframe. He dodged a flame and ducked under a star.
At the top of his lungs, Jeff screamed, "What is going on here?"
Their faces, once twisted into violent concentration, eased up. The PSI attacked faltered and died out. They all glared at each other accusingly.
With all the blinding lights eased up, then gone, the condition of the room was visible. Lamps broken. Curtains torn. Beds overturned.
"We are in big trouble," Ness said quietly.
Mr. Monotoli came up the hallway, much to the group's chagrin. "I've had some complains about this room. Is everything all right?"
Jeff stood at the threshold, purposely blocking Mr. Monotoli's view of the room. "Nope, nothing's wrong. Everything is all right." He attempted to close the door, but the older man had seen the damage.
"Oh my..." he surveyed the room, a vein in his eye twitching madly. "What the hell happened here?"
"Mr. Monotoli--" Ness tried.
"You are banned for life from this place from now on! Now get out get outGET OUT!"
All four of them flew out the room in a hurry. Remembering what evil Mr. Monotoli was capable of, they began to run faster. Then remembering how much butt they had kicked in, they stopped. Fortunately for them, they were already outside.
"So how what?"
The question lingered in the air for quite some time.
"Let's go back to Onett," said Ness finally. "Maybe hang out at the arcade. I haven't played Marvel vs. Capcom in awhile."
"Marvel? Capcom?" Poo wagged a disapproving finger. "We're Nintendo, Ness. Don't go endorsing other companies."
"Oh yeah," Ness blushed. "Uh... Mario Brothers is the best game in the world."
"Ness!"
"Er, I mean Earthbound is."
"No shameless self-promotions, neither."
"Then what do you expect me to say then?"
"Uh... nothing. Let's just go."
So Ness and his friends PSI'ed out of Summers, and landed back on the Onett street. The same driver who they disrupted earlier that day was driving in their direction, but this time he didn't screech to a halt. On the contrary, he flattened the accelerator, speeding toward them with the intention to hurt.
Poo simply performed his specialty, and sent the truck flying off the road. After climbing out of the now piece of scrap metal, the driver decided it was in his best interest to finally leave these kids alone.
Mayor Pirkle came running at them a moment later. His face was contorted into a maddened look that grotesquely contrasted the ones plastered on his campaign posters. In his hand was an envelope.
"What were you punk kids doing?" He demanded to know.
Paula looked at him with a sweet smile and asked in a sweet voice, "What do you mean, sir?"
He ripped a piece of paper out of the envelope. "A ten thousand dollar bracelet! Two hospital bills! Damages to the third floor of the Summers Hotel! Do you have any idea how much it will cost to restore just one floor of that place! It would cost less to restore this whole city!" The bill was crumpled in his fist and his eyes darted around at the four faces. "Explain this!"
Jeff looked puzzled. "You said it was all-inclusive."
"You do not abuse the city's generosity, and that is what you have clearly done!" Mayor Pirkle's breath rung loud from his chest, and his mouth was twisted into a nasty snarl.
"We're sorry sir, we didn't know--"
"I don't even remember what you four did to earn that vacation. You probably saved a puppy or something. Whatever the case might be, consider your vacation terminated as of right now!" And with that, Mayor Pirkle stomped off.
"Great," Poo huffed out a frustrated growl. "They can't do this to me, I'm the Crown Prince of Dalaam damnit!"
"I think we should just go home now," said Ness. "I miss my mommy."
"I should probably get back to the Polstar Daycare," Paula agreed. She turned to Ness and batted her eyelashes at him suggestively. "Would you mind walking me home?"
Ness glowered at her. "No way."
With a defiant "Hm!", Paula spun on her heel and began the trek to Twoson alone.
"Dude..."
"What?"
"...Never mind."
Ness sniffled. "I still miss my mommy."
"I need to go back to Saturn Valley to talk to Dr. Andonuts... er, I mean, dad. I'm still not used to calling him that." Jeff confided.
"And I have to get back to Dalaam," Poo added. "Jeff, I'll PSI you to Saturn Valley if you want."
The pair left the scene in a tornado-like flight, leaving Ness alone. Like the little mama's boy he is, he ran home crying about the meanie of a mayor, while Ness's mother fed him pasta.
After he had ample time to collect himself, he asked Tracy, "What happened to all my stuff in the Escargo Express locker now that the company is out of business?"
Ness thought of all the dirty socks, cheesy pizza, rotten eggs, that sticky, stinky jar of honey (among many other equally disgusting things) and shuddered. He could not imagine what they might look like now after a long period of neglecting their existence.
"Of course I thought ahead Ness," said Tracy. "I took it all out and dumped it in your room.You can clean it up yourself."
"No..." he moaned.
"Oh, and Ness," his mother took a large stack of textbooks and papers and handed it to his possession. The unexpected weight of the load caused him to lose his balance. "I collected all the homework you missed from school while you were out playing your little game. A whole month's worth. Teachers never change Ness, they expect it all done by Friday."
"NO!"
The End
Thank you for reading my fic. I hope you enjoyed it. It wasn't that funny, but I tried my best. Please take the time to review this fic, it would really be appreciated, thanks. :D And just for the record, Earthbound is the best RPG game ever made! It's just general knowledge.