I DON'T WANT TO CLOSE MY EYES

CHAPTER 1

I don't own any Spirited Away' characters.

I had the same nightmare every night since the day I left the spirit world.

And I cried every night for eight years. The same tears of my obsession.

It was about him.

Haku.

The dream was not long, the time to figure out two people talking in Boh's room. Haku standing in front of Yubaba.

"I'm gonna tear you into pieces if she goes away..."

"I will accept it.."

Words that tormented my nights, searching in my mind the images, the memories of Majou no Sekai.

I had changed. The spirit world actually made me different.

I realized what courage was, I realized the important things, at least I thought I did, and I followed my beliefs from that day on..

And I trusted, I trusted so much Haku's promise, even now, I knew he wanted to keep his promise, I knew it in my heart, even when doubts challenged my mind, even when my imagination started creating images of him going away from me... I was in love for eight years, in love with a guy I hadn't seen for eight years.

It was pathetic maybe, but it was my life.

I trusted him.

Or better, I loved him.

That was why I couldn't face the dream, I couldn't stop worrying. My life stumbled every day, but I kept smiling, I kept the courage I had at Aburaya.. I knew nothing of this world could be compared of what I survived there, and I kept smiling.. even though inside I was worrying.. I couldn't believe the dream was true.. I didn't want to. For eight years. It was consuming me.

"I can't believe it.. this make no sense at all.."

I stayed silent looking at him.

"you are serious?"

"I am.." I mumbled.

"you don't want to date me because you're in love with a don't-know-guy.."

"yes, you can put it like that."

"oh come on! I know you don't date anybody, so please at least grant me the truth.."

"it is the truth, I'm in love with someone else…"

"and who is this guy? Tamata-san... Kojiro-kun? or maybe sempai Yamago.."

"no, they are just friends…" I replied rolling my eyes.

"you never talk much to other guys, who is he then?"

"I told you, I am not dating him, the truth is I don't see him at all.."

I was a little annoyed at that time.

"oh well, sorry to say it, but it's a little weird…" he burped sarcastic.

"well, what should I say? It's not like I can decide I'm loving him now, and a sec later I don't love him anymore... I just love him, no matter where he is, or whatever he is with me or not.."

"that's non-sense... what is he doing now? He should stay with you if you love him.."

I thought about his words a little.

"love's not a business contract... he doesn't have to do anything to be loved... I just love him... besides, I doubt he loves me back…" I trembled saying these last words, but it was what I thought... I know I trusted him... but we were friends back then, nothing more... I guess I couldn't expect anything.

"you're such a stupid... why don't you just move on?"

"because I love him, I told you, this is not gonna change…"

"you're such a stubborn!" he yelled.

"if you say so." I said looking at his embarrassed eyes.

"but I like you that way, too... maybe it's because of your strength... it's because you seem to know the answers.." he sadly whispered looking at the grass under our feet.

My heart ached. I couldn't do anything, I couldn't say yes, if I didn't really mean it, could I?

I know Haku would have not come soon, but even so, could I just go out with somebody I didn't care about?

"what kind of answers?" I asked.

"what make sense here in this world…"

I felt so guilty being so insensitive about him... but I didn't have the power to do anything else.

"I'm sorry, I don't know the answer... I'm sorry.."

"you're not." he said running away.

I was eighteen... I did change, I was taller, thinner, I was even kind of cute.

I didn't know if I really had the strength he was talking about, I knew I had the power to believe in people, believe in what I was doing more than anybody else... but that was just because I saw what a humble little human girl can do to survive, I knew how Hope could be strong.

That day I left school earlier, I just wanted to relax, away from questions, away from people who wanted to talk.

I needed silence, the silence I could watch outside the window of the Yubi's cafe.

I could see the abandoned theme park from there. I could dream about seeing Haku running towards me. It was my favorite thought.

I could only think about him.. I missed him so much.

Do you still remember me, Haku? I asked myself falling asleep.

I woke up haunted by the same nightmare. I was about to cry. Tossing some coins on the table I ran outside.

My mind was screaming Haku's name.

This time there was blood in the dream.

I couldn't help, I start running towards the tunnel, inside the forest, till I was in the dark and then again in the soft light of sunset, in the river, and finally in the park. I was once again in the park.

My mind could think of nothing but blood. I was going crazy... Yubaba... if you did something to Haku... I swear I'll kill you... I will..

I ran, ignoring the spirit-people I was knocking away... I couldn't care less...

I wasn't myself, I was just worried to death... I was in love.

"Haku!" I shouted getting on the bridge to Aburaya.

I was feeling sick, I didn't even realize I was there for real.

And he appeared. He appeared so beautiful... I didn't remember so well, how wonderful was his gaze, and how white was his skin.

He was alive.

And surprised.

I fainted.

Pls read and review.

I don't own Spitited Away, not its characters, and I didn't do this because I wanted to gain anything from it.