CHAPTER 3

Those days I was feeling often sick and weak, I couldn't stay out of bed for a long time, after a while I eventually got really tired, but I was getting better, I guess recovering.

Rin asked me to stay for a while, she was sure crossing the river as I was would have made me feel worse, or even make permanent damage on my brain.

I didn't know if she was saying the truth, I wasn't able to understand what she was thinking, she seemed always so worried, and she had the same sad look I could see on Haku.

But I couldn't really think about her, I feared the sickness I felt inside, I was afraid it was just heart ache, it was just the consequence of my broken hope. And I was selfishly staying at Aburaya.

My hope was something I had strong inside for eight years, though, years that now felt like eternity. I lost every single day of my life since then believing in something so stupid, and maybe I was still believing in it. My hope wasn't to die before me.

Still stubborn.

Why could my heart not believe reality?

I slept in the same futon every night, above the boiler room, the nightmare stopped haunting me for a while, but I couldn't know for how long.

I wasn't allowed to leave the room. Rin didn't want me too, at least not before I would recover properly.

I was just sitting there most of the time, looking at the empty blue landscape, thinking about Haku, or living through every little memory I had of this place. A lot of things I hadn't remembered before came to my mind. Little memories of that far away past I was missing so much

I usually told them to a silent Haku, who just waited there for something I didn't know, something we wouldn't talk about. He came every day with nothing to say.

Sometimes waking up in the middle of the night I had seen him looking at me from the opposite side of the room. His body half covered by the shadow, he was just sitting there sadly, and I could feel his gaze on me. Silent.

I didn't understand.

Till the day I had the nightmare again.

I woke up screaming, looked at my hands, they were covered with blood.

Tears, sorrows, everything was bringing my mind away, my heart was beating so fast, I couldn't breathe nor control it.

"Haku!" I shouted painfully, and I started coughing.

Around me everything was darker than usual I couldn't see anything.

I was shaking, shivering, I could feel cold drops of sweat running through my forehead. I shouted Haku's name again. I was so desperate. I wanted him.

When I started crying somebody moved.

It was Haku.

He came closer. Kneed beside me.

I closed my eyes, trying to slow down my breath. I couldn't really help but cry.

Even now that he was so close.

He hugged me strongly, letting my head rest on his chest.

I hugged him back as strong as I could, I wanted to hear his heart beating, just to be sure he was with me, alive. I just wanted that for such a long time.

All these years worrying, all that sorrow, the promise I believed in... did I waste my time?

"I'm sick of this dream Haku, I can't stand you suffering... I can't." I said weakly.

"I'm sorry."

I was exasperated.

"what are you sorry about?"

He hugged me more.

"everything."

No more words again.

I woke up that morning and I was still in his arms. He was still holding me softly.

I could feel him breathing and for a while I felt happy, I just needed that for such a long time. I loved him so much.

I opened my eyes slowly, I didn't want him to go away. I didn't want to realize it was just a dream... making it disappear.

He was looking at me. He was sad.

And I felt guilty.

I got up leaving his arms behind, suddenly feeling so cold.

For a moment I didn't want to go on living.

"sorry Haku... I'm sorry... you didn't have to be so nice... it's me... I just need to move on... I guess... I need some time... I'm okay now... Sorry..."

I didn't really know what I was trying to say, I was confused.

He looked at me.

His eyes were stuck into mine.

"don't leave me behind." he said slowly.

I blinked surprised.

"w-what?"

He realized what he just said and shook is head.

"I'm sorry... I shouldn't be here... I'm sorry..." he said nervously getting up, and quickly leaving the room.

No time to question.

I heard him coming back that night.. this time he sat closer, in front of me looking for my hand and grabbed it with sweetness.

I slowly caressed his hand, for him to realize I was awake. Everything was so strange, he was too strange.

"you're back." I said bringing his hand to my face. I wanted to feel the warmth of his skin.

"I'm sorry." he said with an half-broken voice.

"why?"

" because I can't help it."

"what?"

"I can't help wanting to see you... Or touch you..."

"I don't understand."

"I promised myself I wasn't gonna say anything..."

"about what?"

"you should go back to your world."

I lifted my eyes towards him. His muscles were getting tense again.

"why?" I asked questioningly.

I saw him shrinking his eyes, as if his head suddenly ached.

"you just have to go back..."

"Rin told me..."

"when you recover, you need to go back..." He was suddenly so far away.

Cold again.

"I'm not gonna see you anymore, am I?"

"I told you... I don't love you..."

My heart screamed again.

Tears started rolling down again, silently.

"It doesn't matter, I know that... but... you don't even care for me as a friend?"

"no."

I sobbed.

"why are you treating me like this? You forgot about me? I thought we were friends! You just held my hand... why did you change suddenly?"

"we're not friends anymore... I told you, that was the past... you don't have to care about it anymore.."

He paused and breathed slowly, I couldn't see his eyes anymore.

"if you stay here I will have to kill you..." he whispered.

My eyes widened in the dark.

Suddenly so cold, I couldn't quite believe a moment before he was so close. For a moment I felt his heart so close to mine and now, why was he treating me like this? Why now?

"well then... I'd like to die." I answered. Not really knowing what I was doing.

He moved violently towards me, grabbed my wrist against the wall, so strongly that hurt.

I moaned.

"don't say that, not even for a joke..."

I was angry inside. I couldn't help the feeling.

"I'm not joking."

He was so near, I could see his face in the moonlight, now, and he was beautiful, I couldn't stop thinking it.

"Stupid! You can't say something so stupid!"

"why?"

"because you have to live..."

"Haku, you are already killing me, you know?"

He looked at me, five centimetres away from my eyes, he could see my pain, I felt it inside him, in his mind, and I couldn't help but cry, because his gaze was telling me something I wasn't able to understand.

He almost started to lean toward me, with some kind of a sparkle in his eyes, but a little movement of my head make him come back to reality, he left my wrist turning around, making me fall on the floor.

"why is it so difficult? I thought meeting you again would had been so easy, like a fairytale, because what I lived years ago was that, a fairytale no one believes, you would be running towards me... and I would do the same... it was my dream... why is everything such a mystery? why are you giving me so many doubts? I feel your heart is not talking with your cold words..."

He looked at me standing in the dark. No sounds around us.

"I know I'm stupid believing such things... but I hoped so much.. it seems so impossible you just forget about our friendship..."

"I didn't forget, I just changed..." he whispered.

I shrugged.

"I changed too... I'm not a little girl anymore.."

"I know you aren't.." he sighed.

"you won't love the person I am now..." he continued. I looked at him questioning.

"you're not to choose that."

I tried to go closer, but in the shadows I stumbled on something on the floor, my ankle ached a little.

Before I had the chance to get up, he was kneeling in front of me, searching something in my eyes.

I raised my hand to his neck and I touched it, he was warm. His skin was calling me near.

"you should go home..." he said resentful, but he wasn't moving.

He just kept repeating it, grabbing my wrist and shaking... He looked so sad, as if he was about to cry... you should go home Chihiro.

"I want to stay with you, Kohaku." I said breathlessly. I just couldn't help.

His eyes widened, still staring at me.

"why are you saying this? you could die for it."

"I told you.. I don't care..."

"you must live." he shouted pressing his finger around my arm.

I waited. I didn't know if I could say what I wanted to say...

"I-..."

I held my breath.

"I don't want to live without you... Haku..."

Wicked. I was evil. I know it wasn't the right thing to say, I would have let him feel worse, guilty again. I was evil, and so ashamed of myself, I was about to speak again.

"you're stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Why are you talking like this? How can you discard life like this?"

I looked at him.

"I'm sorry Haku... don't feel guilty please... don't.. I don't want you to feel guilty."

He shook his head.

"I'm not feeling guilty!" he shouted.

"so why are you so sad?" I cried back.

"because I"I..."

He got up quickly leaving me behind.

"Haku." I protested.

I got up to, getting close to him.

"I don't want to see you sad anymore..."

"than you shouldn't be here..." he stammered looking at me in the eye.

I closed mine, breathing slowly, I was making myself so ridiculous.

"you will be happy if I will be gone?"

"yes, I will." he said still tormenting me with his eyes.

I grimaced nervously, tears were ready to flow and drown me.

"than just go away... don't ever come back... until I will be gone... and you won't have to worry anymore... you won't have to see me."

I said slowly. He didn't move.

"just go away!" I shouted.

He breathed in and slowly proceeded to the door.

"you're not gonna see me anymore... for ever... I promise.. I'm not gonna bug you more... you're not gonna see me anymore... for ever... we won't see each other anymore... forever." I repeated trying to realize it.

He stopped, hearing my madness. I was sobbing incessantly.

But nothing was going to stop him now, and he left.

I don't own any Spirited Away' characters.

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