Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII....

Author's Note: Thank you all for the reviews! So...who was at the door? Well, you're just about to find out!

To Love You More

Chapter Seventeen

"Where is the feeling we used to know?

Where is the music that played?

What happened to the love that used to show?

Where did the feeling go?"

-"Where Did the Feeling Go" Selena

"Squall?" Rinoa asked in surprise. "What are you doing here?"

Squall ran a hand through his hair uncomfortably. "Can I come in?"

Rinoa nodded, stepping to the side and allowing him entrance to the room. He was the last person she had ever expected to see, yet there he was. "Um...have a seat," she said awkwardly.

The brunette shook his head. "I prefer to stand, if that's alright with you."

Rinoa shrugged. "It doesn't make any difference to me." She realized that they were skirting around the issue at hand. However, for once she wanted him to get to the point. He had come there for a reason, one that he would eventually have to tell her. As painful as that might be.

"So...how are you?" He winced as he realized what a stupid question that was.

Rinoa was tempted to shoot him an angry retort, but quickly composed herself. "Fine," she said coldly.

"Do you want to tell me the truth?"

"This is the truth, Squall. Take it however you want."

Squall sighed. "Rinoa, I don't want us to be like this."

"Like what, Squall?" she asked innocently.

"Like that! What you just did! You know that we have a lot to talk about. Can we at least try to be civil to each other?"

Rinoa folded her arms across her chest. "I'm not promising anything. Just say what you came to say, and then we can go our separate ways. I don't want to waste your time, Commander."

"God dammit, Rinoa! Will you just stop? I didn't come here to fight with you."

"Then why did you come?" she asked. "You still haven't told me."

"You ran off yesterday before I had a chance to talk to you. I haven't seen you in three years. Don't you think I at least deserve an explanation?"

"An explanation?" she asked incredulously. "As if you haven't already heard everything from Irvine. Tell me, Squall, did you think that I had intentionally left you?"

"Of course not, Rinoa. How could you even think that? You don't know what I went through after I thought you had died."

"Why don't you tell me?" Her voice was gentler than before.

He shrugged. "You don't need to hear about it." Laughing bitterly, he said, "I was completely fucked up back then."

"I don't believe that, Squall," she said quietly. "Please tell me. I think that I deserve to know."

Squall sighed once again and took a seat on the edge of the bed. "I'm sorry, Rinoa, but I can't. It was the worst and darkest time of my life. One that I would not like to relive. Can you understand that?"

Rinoa nodded. Yes, she understood, but it still saddened her that Squall wouldn't open up. Obviously, whatever they had previously shared was gone. "I understand, Squall. You needed someone to rely on, someone to save you. Quistis was that person."

"Rinoa..."

"No, let me finish. I've been selfish, Squall, and I know that. It was selfish and childish of me to run out on you yesterday. Like it or not, you're married now. To one of my best friends, no less." She quickly wiped at the tears that had begun to fill her eyes. "I'm happy for you, Squall. Three years is a long time, right? People can change in three years. We probably wouldn't even be together right now."

But I was going to propose to you when you got back, thought Squall. If all had gone well, we would be married right now. Squall shook his head. He couldn't possibly tell her that. "I'm not so sure that's true..."

It was Rinoa's turn to sigh. "Either way, there's no use dwelling on the past. That's why I think it would be better if I leave Balamb. I don't want to hang around here and serve as an unpleasant memory."

Squall shook his head. "You could never be that. Listen, why don't you come back to Garden? There's no need for you to leave."

"It's impossible for me to stay."

"Why? Give me one good reason, Rinoa."

"Quistis, for one. She doesn't need me around, butting into her life. Even after all this time, I still think of her as my friend."

"That's not a good reason. Come back to Garden, Rinoa. You can stay in your old room. I...I didn't have the heart to clear it out. Everything is still there. I...need you there."

Rinoa shook her head. "You don't need me anymore, Squall. You have your wife now."

"That's not relevant," he insisted. "I'll always need you, Rinoa, even as a friend."

Rinoa considered this for a moment. "Squall, are you sure about this?"

He nodded. "I don't want you to disappear from my life again. You're not my enemy, Rinoa."

Even if you were the world's enemy... "Okay, I'll admit it, I do miss Garden. I don't know how this is going to work, but I'll try. For you, I'll try."

"Thank you." He looked at her for a moment, his blue eyes piercing hers. "I never wanted to hurt you, you know."

She nodded. "I know, but you did." She winced. "I'm sorry...I didn't mean to say that. None of this is your fault. My accident wasn't your fault. But you blamed yourself anyway, didn't you?"
Squall shrugged. "I guess you could say that."

Rinoa rolled her eyes. "I'll take that as a yes. Don't blame yourself anymore, please. Everything worked out, see." She plastered on a smile. "You deserve to be happy."

"So do you, Rinoa. I don't want to see you unhappy because of me."

"That's not the case. I'm alive, Squall. That is reason enough to be happy. Like I said, I was wrong to act the way I did. There was no reason for me to be upset with you."

Squall frowned. She seemed almost...too cheerful. "You're sure about this?"

She nodded. "As long as you're sure that you want me back at Garden."

"I do," he assured her.

"Okay then," she said uncertainly. "I guess it's final then."

"Yeah, I guess I'll see you later then. I'll have Irvine come and pick you up in an hour. Will that be okay?"

"That's fine." She opened the door for him. "Thanks for coming by. I'm, um, glad we got everything cleared up."

"Yeah..." Squall was halfway through the door when he stopped. Turning around, he said, "I was broken."

Rinoa frowned. "Excuse me?"

"Earlier, you asked me about how I was when you were gone. There's your answer. I was broken."

Rinoa felt her heart completely drop in her chest at his words and the expression in his eyes. "Squall..."

He held up a hand. "You don't want to know how I was back then. That's why I couldn't bring myself to tell you. You would have hated me, Rinoa."

She shook her head. "No, Squall, I could never hate you. Never."

He shrugged. "You didn't see me then. I'll see you later, Rinoa." And then he was gone.

Just like Squall had said, Irvine showed up at the Balamb Hotel an hour later. Rinoa was sitting in the lobby waiting for him. She didn't say a word to him, so he figured it would be wise to leave her to her thoughts. He picked up her bags and deposited them into the back seat of his car. Rinoa wordlessly sat down in the front seat, hands clasped tightly in front of her, brow set.

Irvine found that he could no longer remain silent. "Rinoa?" he asked worriedly. "Are you alright?"

She jumped, as if she hadn't realized he was there. "I'm fine."

The cowboy frowned at her behavior. Had something happened between her and Squall? The latter hadn't told him much about their encounter, just that Rinoa had agreed to come back to Garden. "Are you sure?"

Rinoa shrugged. "I can't really be sure of anything anymore."

Irvine became even more puzzled at her words. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know. It's just that, after talking to Squall, it hit me that it's really over between him and I. Don't get me wrong, from the moment I found out he was married, I knew it was over. Talking to him, though...it hit me head on. Everything we had is gone."

Irvine shook his head. "Not everything, Rinoa. You are still a part of his life. You're still his friend."

Rinoa nodded. "I know. I have to get over my other feelings for him. That's why I told him that I would support him in this."

"You did the right thing," he assured her.

"I suppose so. It just doesn't seem that way." She sighed. "Irvine, what was Squall like when he thought I had died?"

"I told you, didn't I? It was the darkest I've ever seen him."

"Yes, you did tell me that he buried himself in his work. Was he really...different? I guess what I'm getting at is this: he told me I would have hated him if I had seen him then."

Irvine whistled. "He told you that?"

Rinoa nodded. "What would make him think something like that?"

Irvine shrugged. "Squall values your opinion of him, but in actuality, his worst critic is himself. His opinion of himself back then is most likely worse than how he actually was."

"Why do I get the feeling that you're avoiding my question? You're not going to tell me about Squall, are you?"

He sighed. "It's not my place to. When Squall is ready, he'll tell you himself. Some skeletons are best kept in the closet."

Rinoa looked at him in disbelief. "I can't believe you just said that!"

"Why? Why is that so hard for you to believe?"

"That statement may apply to other people, but not to Squall. After everything we've gone through...how could you not realize that? Squall kept his emotions bottled up before and it nearly killed him. He needs someone to listen to him without judgment."

Irvine raised an eyebrow. "Why do I get the feeling that I'm looking at the person capable of doing just that?"

"Friends lean on each other, right?"

"You can't save him again, Rinoa. He has a wife to keep his demons at bay. You just said that you were going to support their marriage."

"I am," she insisted.

They had reached Balamb Garden by that time and Rinoa quickly got out of the car. Irvine followed suit and grabbed her bags. Handing them to her, he said, "I take it you remember where your room is?"

She nodded. "Yes. Don't I need a key?"

"It should be in your room. The door will be unlocked. People know not to go in there."
Rinoa was puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Squall didn't tell you? He wouldn't let anyone get within a foot of your room. The only one allowed in was him. He never wanted anything to be moved or cleared out. After you died...he spent a lot of time there."

Words could not begin to describe how touched she felt at his actions. The image of Squall in her abandoned room just caused her heart to ache even more. "Thank you for telling me that. I don't think he would have told me."

"Well, you had a right to know. Anyway, you probably want to get settled in. I'll be in my office if you need anything."

"Okay. Thanks, Irvine."

Rinoa walked out of the parking lot and into the massive structure that was Balamb Garden. Everything was just how she remembered it. It was almost eerie to see that nothing had changed. It was as if no time had passed at all. As she walked through the hall, she could hear the whispers of the people around her.

"Oh my God, is that her?"

"No, it couldn't be."

"It looks so much like her!"

"What is she doing here?"

"Should we tell the commander?"

"Ooh, I bet he's already having an affair with her!"

Rinoa ignored them and did not stop until she reached the dorm area. She silently passed by Squall's room. It's not his room anymore, she reminded herself. He lives in an apartment with Quistis now. Shaking that thought from her head, she proceeded further down the hall until she reached her room. Taking a deep breath, she turned the handle and allowed the door to swing open.

She inhaled sharply at the sight before her. Irvine was right; nothing had been disturbed. Again, it gave her the feeling that no time had passed and nothing had changed. She ran a finger over the coat of dust that had settled on her desk. Her eyes traveled to her desk chair. She gasped as she took in the sight of Squall's jacket draped over the back. That's right, she thought. He was here that morning. We were standing right here, and he said that it was too hot to wear his jacket, so he left it there. The memory brought tears to her eyes. He really hadn't disturbed a thing.

The tears she had been holding in all day finally fell. Rinoa carefully picked up the jacket and held it to her chest. Even after all this time, his musky scent was still apparent. She collapsed onto her bed, still clutching the jacket as if it were her last connection to her past life. In a way, it was. More tears fell at that thought. She could hold the jacket as much as she wanted, but she could no longer hold the man. Curling up in a ball, the jacket safely in her arms, she cried herself to sleep.