CHAPTER 8
I could understand how Haku felt. Even if it was hard for me… I did understand him.
I did because I waited for him till I met him again. And I didn't expect him to not change, to just stop growing up and leave behind all that Aburaya meant and all its ties.
But he sacrificed himself for me, and it kills me. Because I never deserved it. If I hadn't come back, I would have never even known about it. And the thought of it is so cruel.
"you know Haku…" I told him the next day, while we were laying again on the grass of a lawn not too far from Aburaya.
"what is it?" he asked, his voice so soft.
"I'm sorry you had to stay here… for my sake… it's really bugging me."
"it was my choice."
"I wish I knew."
"why?"
"well… when I thought about coming back I always felt it wasn't right… that you had forgot about me… and now… if only I knew… I could have come back earlier."
"you couldn't… your parents would have been worried."
"I know…"
I reached for his hand and took it in mine.
"we promised once, that we would meet again."
He sighed pulling his hand away from mine.
His eyes turned to me.
"don't make it difficult for me."
I frowned.
"what do I make difficult for you?"
"you know… the whole thing… you came back… and now you feel guilty because I decided to stay here… you keep asking questions I don't want to answer… and keep trying to touch me…"
I blushed: "sorry… I can't help it… but I guess I'll try.."
"it's difficult for me."
"I'm sorry… I just want to know everything… it's… I don't know… I owe you something… and I'll listen at least for that. Since you don't want to hear my other reason."
"your other reason?"
"well… that I'm in love with you."
He sat up.
"don't say those things… it's unfair."
"unfair to who?"
"to me."
"why?"
"because no one can love me."
I smiled: "that's just a stupid thought."
"you can't love someone you haven't met for years…"
"well… I can tell you I can…"
"it's just impossible."
"just because you didn't, it doesn't mean I can't."
His fists pounced the soil.
That scene somehow broke my heart. He was hurting, but he wouldn't tell me why.
"why can't you just forget about all your worries, at least when you're with me… can't you relax, just for a while? With me?"
He sighed.
"I can't… there are so many things unsaid… and they are making me crazy."
"why don't you say them?"
"I can't… it's unfair… and I'm scared."
"but you can make yourself feel better… why don't you try?"
Haku wasn't looking at me… he didn't want to.
"aren't you scared at all? Of what I did…" his voice was a little more than a whisper. His body was tense, in expectation, even though he asked me that question before.
"mm… a little…- I confessed: - but that's because I don't know what you really did… but still… I trust you."
"you shouldn't."
"why? You are going to betray me?"
He shook his head.
"no… but… you know what I mean."
"I think you don't know yourself… why do you want me to believe you're bad?"
"because I am."
"even so… you'll never be bad with me… I'm sure about it."
"are you happy with that?"
I shrugged: "well, I can try…"
"I know you can't accept me." he continued.
"why do you act like you know everything? How can you tell how I feel and how I will behave… it's not possible."
He looked at me finally.
"I don't want to get hurt… and I don't want you to get hurt. That's the reason for everything."
"well, that will happen anyway."
"not if I'm careful about it."
"you're so stubborn… what do you think? That to me it's nothing to be always rejected by you… or getting to know you don't have any trust in me… do you think I'm happy about it?"
"it could be worse."
I sat up, my blood suddenly rushed in my veins. Angry.
"well, fuck the worst! I don't want to go on acting as if nothing is wrong, as if I'm okay that you're so cold and distant… I can tell you're hurting… and even if I can't do anything… I want at least to know why… and don't try to say anything angsty… you're making me sick."
"that's how I feel."
"well, you shouldn't… even if you say everybody should hate you… that no one can love you, that you don't deserve anything… nothing will change what I feel… and what I feel just proves that everything you say is not true, and I can't stand you saying it…"
In his eyes, something sparkled.
"I can't stop… I'm used to think that way."
I felt so stupid in that moment…
I just leaned forward and kissed his lips. His skin so soft to the touch. His eyes widened in shock.
"I'm sorry." I said starting to cry. It was too much for me, I was making a real fool of myself.
He stared at me for a moment that felt like forever. Then he just stood, and walked away.
I was so stupid. I was not worth his trust after all. I ruined all the things I achieved till that day.
What was I thinking? I cursed myself while I cried. This whole situation was making me crazy.
Everything was so wrong. And I couldn't do anything to fix it.
Sorry it took me so long to update… Please if someone reads, tell me what you think… it really keeps me writing.. Thank you to all that reviewed till now.
Oh, I finally changed the -..- with ".." for the dialogues… hope it's better this way… I'll do the previous chapters soon, too..
I don't know any Spirited Away's character.