Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII...

Author's Note: It's been awhile, hasn't it? I'm soooooo sorry! I'm aiming for updating every two weeks now, so hopefully I'll be able to stick with it. Thanks for your reviews!

To Love You More

Chapter Twenty-Nine

"I've lied to you
The same way that I always do
This is the last smile
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you

Everything falls apart
Even the people who never frown
Eventually break down
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie
Everything has to end
You'll soon find we're out of time left
To watch it all unwind
The sacrifice is never knowing

Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see you're testing me pushes me away
Why I never walked away
Why I played myself this way
Now I see your testing me pushes me away..."

-"Pushing Me Away" Linkin Park

"W-What?" Squall managed to stutter. "What did you just say?"

"I asked you how you felt about having a baby," Quistis replied calmly.

"Are you serious?" he asked in disbelief. What had brought this on all of a sudden?

"Yes, Squall, very serious. I know we haven't been married for that long, and that we're both very busy, but I think we could fit a baby into our lives. What do you think?"

Squall sighed as he collapsed onto the couch. "I don't know what to think."

"Squall, don't you want children? I know we've never talked about it before, but I had just assumed..."

"You shouldn't have assumed anything, Quistis. I don't know the first thing about being a father."

"Nothing can prepare you for becoming a parent. In a way, that's why it's so exciting. You don't know what to expect."

"I don't have the time to raise a child, Quistis. You, of all people, should know that."

"So what you're saying is that you're completely against having a baby?"

Squall nodded. "I'm sorry."

The truth was, the second Quistis had said "baby", something inside Squall had cracked. Some tiny little spring had been tripped, setting off a series of emotions within him. The truth was plain and simple; he didn't want to have kids with Quistis. Every time he thought about his future children, he saw brown eyes in place of blue, black hair instead of blonde. As strange as it was, this had been the final straw. The final drop of liquid before everything within Squall overflowed. He could not possibly bring children into the world when he didn't love their mother. It wasn't fair to Quistis and it wasn't fair to their future children. It was time to talk to Quistis about what he was really feeling. He owed her that much, at least.

"Squall?" Quistis asked, worry evident in her features. From the expression on his face, it looked like he was fighting an inner battle with himself.

"I'm sorry, Quistis, but I just can't do this anymore."

"Do what?" she asked, clearly confused.

"This," Squall said, gesturing to everything around them. "I can't pretend to be happy when I'm really not. You deserve better than that."

Warning lights began to go off in her head. "W-what are you saying, Squall? I thought we were happy."

Squall shook his head. "Look at us, Quistis. We can't even see eye to eye on something as important as having children. I think...we need to spend some time away from each other. We both need to find out what we really want."

"How can you say that?" Quistis whispered. "You are the only thing that I've ever wanted."

Squall sighed once more. This was anything but easy. "I'm trying to be fair. I mean, you've had to have felt the tension between us. A break could do us good. I don't think either of us knows what the hell we want." He ran a hand through his hair. "Quistis, you can't tell me that you've been happy with this marriage."

"I agree that things haven't been going as smoothly as I would have liked, but I love you. Isn't that enough?"

"I don't know," Squall answered honestly. "I don't know about anything anymore."

"Then," Quistis said slowly, "I agree with you. I think that a break could do us both some good. I've been so dedicated to this marriage that I barely even know who I am anymore."

Squall nodded. "Thank you. I know this is the last thing that you expected to hear."

Quistis shook her head sadly. "I'm not completely oblivious, Squall. It may surprise you to hear that I have suspected that this was coming for a while now. Although, I desperately tried to deny it." She reached for his face, and let her hands cradle it gently. "I love you, Squall. Surely, you must know that by now."

Squall nodded. "Of course."

"You know what, though? You've never, in all the years we've been seeing each other, told me that you loved me."

"Quistis, I-"

"No," Quistis said, cutting him off. "It's too late for that now. I guess I'll see you...sometime. I'd like to be back for the wedding, but at this point, I don't know how long I'll be gone."

"Where are you going?"

Quistis shrugged. "Who knows? I'll figure something out. Just, please, don't try to find me. I guess, when I come back, we'll figure out where to go from here." She quickly swiped at her eyes to brush away the tears that had spilled over.

"Be careful," he told her seriously. "I really...care about you."

Quistis nodded, her heart silently breaking. He couldn't tell her that he loved her because he didn't. Why hadn't she seen it before? How could she have been so blind? She hadn't been able to see the truth when it had been staring her in the face all along. Now, she had the time to make sense of what that "truth" was. Time to find out if she really belonged with Squall.

RINOA sighed as she watched the sunset from her window. Specks of gold molding into brilliant shades of orange, pink, and blue. When was the last time that she had stopped to witness such a scene? Her and Squall used to watch them together from the balcony all the time. Since then, though, she had forgotten about how amazing sunsets were. That is, until now. Perhaps being confined to her room would be a good thing, after all.

Her eyes moved towards the door as the sound of knocking was heard, followed by the door opening to reveal Selphie. When Selphie had first returned to Garden, months ago, she hadn't anticipated on staying for more than a month. However, one thing led to another, and now, with Zell and Carrie's wedding coming up, there was no way she would be leaving.

"Hey," she said cheerfully as she walked into the room. "I heard that you've got the flu, so I brought you some chicken soup."

Rinoa noticed that Selphie was balancing a tray in her left hand. "Thank you," she said sincerely. She began to get up. "Let me help you with that."

Selphie shook her head firmly. "No, no, no, you stay right there! I've got things under control." She placed the tray on the stand next to Rinoa's bed, and then pulled a chair over so that she could sit next to her friend. "So, how are you feeling?"

"Pretty good, actually. I've felt a lot worse in my lifetime. I just hate being stuck in here."

Selphie nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean. I hate being stuck in one place for a long time. Don't worry, though. I'll figure out some way to sneak you out of here." She smiled.

Rinoa smiled right back. Selphie's cheerfulness had always been contagious. "Thanks, Selphie. You seriously are the best."

"Hey, don't sweat it. The week will be over before you know it, and then, when you're back upstairs filing SeeD reports, you'll be wishing that you still had the week off!"

Rinoa chuckled. "You're probably right. Oh well, I suppose that some rest and relaxation can't be all that bad, right?"

"Nope, not at all." Suddenly, there was another knock on the door. "I'll get that," Selphie said as she walked over to the door. She pulled it open to reveal Quistis, several suitcases and bags surrounding her.

"Selphie," Quistis said, surprised. "Is Rinoa here?"

Selphie nodded, eyeing the scene in front of her in confusion. "Yeah, she's lying down. I don't know if you've heard, but she has the flu. Um, anyway, are you going somewhere?"

Quistis nodded. "I was going to find you after I spoke to Rinoa, but now that you're here, I can explain to both of you at once."

Selphie frowned. "Explain what?"

"Well, if you let me come in, I can tell you."

"Oops, sorry," Selphie said sheepishly as she cleared the doorway.

"Hey, Quistis," Rinoa rasped from her place on the bed, the steaming bowl of soup in her lap.

"Hi," she said quietly. "Well, uh, the reason I'm here is because I have something important to tell you. I wanted you to hear this from me, personally, before the rumors start to circulate." She took a deep breath. "Squall and I have decided to take a break...from each other, I mean. I'll be leaving Garden for awhile."

Both girls stared at the blonde in shocked silence. Finally, Selphie said, "Where are you going?"

"To Fisherman's Horizon, I think. I could really use the relaxed atmosphere. The truth is, Squall and I need to figure out who we are and what we want before our marriage can be successful."

"I'm so sorry, Quistis," Rinoa said, surprised to realize that it was the truth. No shouts of victory were ringing throughout her head.

Quistis shook her head. "It's really for the best. Anyway, I should get going or I'll miss my train. Could you please do me a favor and not tell Squall we're I've gone? I'd rather not have him try to find me." The girls nodded. "Thank you. I hope you feel better, Rinoa. Goodbye."

"Bye," the echoed, watching as their friend picked up her bags and exited the room. The two girls stared at each other in silence. Squall and Quistis were on a break? What the hell was going on?

QUISTIS descended the steps of Balamb Garden, her heart filled with emotion. She couldn't believe that she was making this trip. Yes, she had been honest in telling Squall that she had suspected this was coming, but it sure as hell didn't make things any easier. Her marriage was falling apart right before her eyes. Everything that she had worked so hard for was about to vanish. Yes, Squall had said the word "break", but Quistis couldn't help but think that the word he really wanted to use was "divorce".

Sighing, she stepped into the cab that was waiting for her. It was easier this way, to leave without having to further involve her friends. They were innocent bystanders in something that was destined for ruin from the beginning. Her own hopes had shielded the plain and simple truth. Squall had never told her that he loved her, yet she had clung to a foolish dream that words had not been needed. Oh, how very wrong she was. She had been nothing more than a replacement all along. Why hadn't she been able to realize that?

She knew that she shouldn't be jumping to conclusions, but she couldn't help it. Optimism hadn't gotten her anywhere before, so why should it now? Hope was for fools. Fools like me,she silently mused. Wasn't that the truth? Hadn't she been the biggest fool of all in clinging to a marriage that never should have happened? She had to figure things out now. She had to decided whether or not she wanted to put up a fight.

The cab slowly came to a stop. Quistis silently paid the driver and grabbed her bags from the trunk. She walked up to the ticket window and purchased one ticket to FH. The train would be arriving soon, she was told. No one was there to see her off...to say goodbye. Squall had told her to "be careful", that he "cared" about her. Well, he sure as hell hadn't cared enough about her to drive her to the train station. He hadn't even offered. Quistis knew he was busy with work, but hadn't that been one of the key problems all along? Squall put his job before her, and she had let him. You let him walk all over you.

The blonde focused her gaze on the train as it roared to a stop in front of her. Taking a deep breath, she picked up her bags and began walking toward the massive structure. She clutched the ticket tightly in one hand...her ticket to freedom. She began to ascend the steps, slowly, until there was no turning back. Once inside the train, she took a lone seat by a window. Her gaze was focused on the landscape outside her window. Part of her was still hoping that Squall would come for her. That he'd demand she come back with him, that it was all a mistake.

The train's whistle blew and the structure rumbled to life. A lone tear ran down Quistis' cheek as she finally admitted that Squall wasn't coming. Why had she even dared to hope? She shook her head. There were no surprises with Squall. Work was important. Much more important than her. Hadn't it always been that way?

"Screw you, Squall," she whispered to herself. "I'm better off without you."

THE next morning, Rinoa decided that she felt up to a walk around the Quad. She had quickly snuck out of her dorm before one of her friends, or, even worse, Irvine, saw her. Her friends were wonderful, but extremely overprotective. Now, thanks to Dr. Kadowaki, they were blowing the whole flu thing way out of proportion and acting as if she were made of glass.

Upon entering the Quad, Rinoa was pleased to note that it was empty. Glancing at her watch, she realized that it was only six fifteen. Still early. She made her way down the stairs slowly, simply savoring the quiet peacefulness that the morning offered. Not normally a morning person, moments like these were even more precious to the young sorceress. As she turned a corner, she stopped suddenly. Sitting on a bench a few feet in front of her was none other than Squall. He seemed to be deep in thought, and the last thing Rinoa wanted to do was intrude. She started to back away slowly, but it was too late. Squall had chosen that moment to look up, directly at her.

Rinoa held up a hand in greeting. "Hey, Squall."

Squall's gaze turned stern. "What are you doing out of bed?"

"I needed some fresh air," she told him truthfully. "I hate being cooped up in my room."

He nodded in understanding. Still, Rinoa was sick. She needed to take it easy. "Just don't strain yourself. Whether you want to admit it or not, you're still sick."

Rinoa waved that aside. "I know how to take care of myself." She took a seat next to him. "It's you that I'm worried about."

"Why?" he asked, frowning.

"Quistis came to see my yesterday. She told me that you guys decided to take a break. That can't be easy for you."

Squall sighed. "Do you know where she went?"

"Yes, but she asked me not to tell you."

"It's probably better that way."

An uncomfortable silence followed. "Um," Rinoa began after what felt like and eternity, "I'm here if you want to talk about it. About anything, actually."

"Thanks, but you're probably not the person I should be talking to."

Rinoa narrowed her eyes. "Why not, Squall? Are you afraid that I might discover something that you've tried so hard to keep hidden?"

"W-What?" Squall questioned, slightly dazed.

"I'm sorry, that was out of line. I can't pretend that I know what you're feeling right now, or what could possibly be going on in your head. All I'm saying is, I'm your friend, and I'm here for you if you need me. You used to confide in me once. That door is always open to you, Squall."

"Thank you," he said sincerely.

Rinoa nodded and started to stand up. A tug on her wrist brought her back down beside him. "Squall?" she asked, surprised.

He simply stared at her face, noting the laugh lines around her cherry lips, the intoxicating deep brown of her eyes, the flawless, porcelain skin. Yet, in all this beauty, he could still make out the frown lines on her forehead, and the unmistakable tinge of sadness in her eyes.

"I should have told you about this before. Quistis and I have been having problems for awhile. I...told her we need to figure out who we are...what we want."

Rinoa nodded. "Yes, she mentioned that before she left."

"What she doesn't know, what I didn't tell her, is that I already know what I want. I think that I've always known...I just kept trying to convince myself otherwise."

Rinoa's eyes were wide, fearful, yet hopeful of what that something could be. However, for some reason, she still felt like she needed to defend Quistis. "Quistis loves you, Squall."

He nodded. "I know. The thing is..."

"What?" Rinoa pressed gently. "What is it?"

"No, it's nothing," he said, shaking his head. "I shouldn't have brought this up."

"But you did," Rinoa said, he voice equally as soft. "If there's something that you were going to say, then please, just say it."

"I...feel helpless. I'm hurting Quistis, and she doesn't deserve any of it."

"Then tell her. Tell her how you feel, Squall. You're going to lose her if you don't." She could barely believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. This was her chance to confess her true feelings to Squall, yet here she was, campaigning for their reunion!

"No," he said quietly. "I can't do that."

"Why not? Squall, you are going to lose your wife. Is it that hard for you to tell her how you feel?"

If only you knew. Tell her how I really feel? That I was never in love with her? That...that I'm in love with you? The words were on the tip of his tongue. He wanted so badly to just admit everything to her. "It's not that simple, Rinoa."

Rinoa searched his face. "You're keeping something from me."

Squall opened his mouth to respond, but was immediately cut off by an announcement over the loudspeakers. It was Xu, requesting Squall's presence on the bridge.

"I'm sorry," Squall said, "But I have to go."

"Yeah," Rinoa said faintly. "Do what you have to do."