Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, nor do I own the song "Take Me Away" by Lifehouse.
Author's Note: Well, there's not much to really say about this chapter. I'm actually a bit hesitant to post this, and you will be able to tell why when you get to the end of this chapter. So, yeah...I think I should run for the hills, lol!
To Love You More
Chapter Thirty-One
SQUALL watched the rain fall from outside his office window. From the way the rain was falling now, they were going to be in for quite a storm. The Commander sighed and turned away from the window. It was getting late. No one in their right mind would spend as much time in their office as Squall Leonhart did. However, the last place he wanted to be was in the apartment he shared with Quistis. He had never really seen it as home, and the empty space left him with nothing but unpleasant memories. Having spent the past few nights there, he knew from experience. A sudden idea hit him, and he wondered why he hadn't thought about it before.
He immediately exited the office, quickly locking the door behind him. His footsteps led him downstairs and into the dormitory area. Long strides carried him down the hall until he reached the room he was looking for. It had been ages since he had last entered the room, but tonight, for some unfathomable reason, he felt as if he had to. Slowly pulling a card key out of his pocket, Squall briefly wondered if this was what he really wanted to do. Finally deciding that it was, he swiped the card key through the lock and slowly opened the door.
As the door swung open, Squall froze. Much like Rinoa had been upon returning to Garden and seeing her room again, Squall was completely thrown into the past. Everything in his room was exactly the way he had left it; untouched and preserved through time. He slowly walked over to his old desk and cautiously opened the top drawer. He froze as he saw Rinoa's face staring back at him. He gently picked up the picture and held it up to the light, studying it better. The picture had been taken on her eighteenth birthday. It showed Rinoa standing on the deck of the yacht Squall had rented for the occasion. Her hair was blowing about her face and she was smiling serenely. Squall remembered taking the picture without her knowing it, simply wanting to capture the moment forever. Looking through the rest of the drawer, he found picture after picture of Rinoa, some including him, some including their friends, but mostly of her alone. He had stored them all there shortly after her death.
Gently replacing the pictures and closing the drawer, Squall's eyes wandered directly below it. His mind dared him to open the drawer, to see what he already knew was inside. Perhaps he just wanted to torture himself, but something inside of him snapped, and he pulled the drawer open. He lifted the black cloth covering the top of the drawer and was met with the sight of a small, black square box. The image of himself standing next to Zell as the Ragnarok flew away immediately flooded his senses. What would have happened if he had given her this ring before she left? Would things have been different now? He wondered why he had kept the ring for all of these years.
As soon as the question entered his head, he felt as if he had been punched in the gut. Wasn't it painfully obvious? Not to him, no, not until now. He finally understood. With every fiber of his being, he knew. Forget about Quistis. Forget about Irvine. Screw everything! He was in love with Rinoa Heartilly and he didn't give a damn about what anyone thought anymore. He suddenly laughed out loud at the realization. For once, it just felt so damn good to throw logic out the window and follow what his heart had always been telling him. Now, there was nothing left to do but tell Rinoa how he felt.
RINOA stood in her dorm, soaked from head to toe. Her and Irvine had parted on surprisingly good terms. It just showed how wonderful a person he was. Maybe she had made a huge mistake in ending things tonight, but she couldn't go on lying to Irvine. She supposed that she had always known that she would never love someone like she had loved Squall, still loved him, but it hadn't stopped her from trying to convince herself otherwise.
Sighing, she entered the bathroom, grabbing a towel. She wrapped the towel around her head, trying to squeeze out the water from her hair. Looking at herself in the mirror, she saw that she was a complete mess. Her makeup had completely run, leaving smudges all over her face. Her hair hung about her head in a disheveled manner, the towel just adding to the frizz. Looking down at her dress, she saw that it was completely ruined. The material was not waterproof, and as a result, stains of water now adorned the dress. Well, it's no one's fault, but your own, she reminded herself. No one had made her run out into the pouring rain.
She had just walked out of the bathroom, in search of some dry clothes, when she heard a pounding at her door. Glancing at her clock, she saw that it was just after ten. Who would be knocking on her door at this time? Angelo was curled up in a ball on the floor, sleeping peacefully. Rinoa was almost certain that Angelo would be barking furiously if there was any danger. She cautiously walked over to the door and slowly opened it.
Rinoa's eyes widened as she saw who it was. He was definitely the last person she had expected. "Squall?"
"I need to talk to you," he said, and then, without waiting for a reply, walked past her and into the room.
Rinoa stared after him, slightly dazed, and then closed the door. Something was definitely wrong; Squall never acted this way. Momentarily forgetting about her wet clothes, she approached him slowly. "Squall...what is it?"
He simply stood there, collecting his thoughts. The urge to see Rinoa had been so sudden that, now that he was here, he was at a loss for words. There was so much that he needed to tell her, and he had no idea where to begin.
Noticing his discomfort, Rinoa gestured for him to take a seat on the edge of her bed. He did so, and Rinoa cautiously sat down next to him. Whatever his reasons were for being there, Rinoa knew that they were important. She had all the time in the world to hear him out, and she intended to wait for as long as it took. "Whenever you're ready, Squall," she told him softly. "Take your time."
Squall searched her face, and, upon looking deep into her eyes, knew that he had made the right decision. This was the only place that he wanted to be. That he had ever wanted to be. "I have to tell you something."
Rinoa nodded. "Okay."
"I should have told you this the other day, when we were talking. Hell, I should have told you this the day you walked back into this Garden. I just hope you can forgive how long it has taken me to come to this realization." He paused, once again searching her eyes. "I...don't want to live a lie anymore."
"I don't understand," Rinoa said quietly. "Did something happen?"
Squall nodded. "Yes, something did happen. Something right." He reached for her hands. "Will you come with me? I need to show you something."
"Okay," Rinoa said, taking his hand. "I trust you."
Hand in hand, they exited the room. Squall led Rinoa down the hall, coming to a stop in front of his old dorm room. Rinoa watched Squall in confusion as he unlocked the door and beckoned for her to follow him.
As the lights came on, Rinoa gasped. "Everything is still here," she said in amazement.
"I never had the heart to clear this place out, and it just felt...wrong to move these things into the apartment with Quistis." He closed his eyes for a moment, choosing his next words carefully. "I came here tonight, right before I came to see you. It was the first time I'd been back since I moved out."
"So why did you?" Rinoa questioned. "Come back, I mean."
"You're going to think this is ridiculous, but I just felt like I had to. It was almost as if something, or someone, was calling me."
"And you think that someone was me."
Squall shook his head. "No, it was different. I could always tell when it was you, Rinoa."
"Could you?" Rinoa asked skeptically. "If so, then why didn't you hear me calling on the day of your wedding?"
"I knew it," he whispered. "God, I was such a moron."
"Squall, you said that you needed to tell me something, right? Please, whatever it is, just tell me. You know you can tell me anything."
"I heard you that day, Rinoa. The whole time you were gone, I felt that you were alive. For a time, I even believed it. Everyone tried to convince me otherwise, said that I was crazy. Self doubt got the best of me, and that's when I gave up." He closed his eyes in pain. "I should have never given up."
Rinoa looked at him with profound sadness. "It's not your fault, Squall. Everyone thought I was dead, and God knows there was enough evidence pointing towards it."
"I need to tell you what happened," he said, desperation in his voice. "I need to make you understand what really happened. Rinoa, you asked me once what I was like after I thought you had died, and I told you that I was broken. That doesn't even begin to describe how I felt. My heart had been completely ripped from my chest. Everything was black, Rinoa, everything. I didn't feel anything, and when an emotion broke through, it was nothing but hate. Quistis...Quistis helped me through that."
Rinoa had been listening to him with tears in her eyes. She could picture everything he was saying, and it completely broke her heart. However, at the mention of Quistis, Rinoa had frozen. Why was he telling her this?
"Believe it or not, Quistis was actually the one who convinced me to visit your grave. I guess I thought that, by not visiting your grave, it was almost like it didn't exist." He shook his head. "That was a damn lie. All of it was. I was so fucking weak, clinging to Quistis like a child."
"Squall," Rinoa said, "You don't have to tell me all of this. The past is the past, right? It won't do us any good to dwell on it."
"No, you don't understand. I need this, Rinoa. I need you to hear it." He took a deep breath. "I want you to understand what Quistis means to me. She helped me see that you would have wanted me to live, to move on with my life. Can you understand that?"
Rinoa nodded. Yes, she understood. Oh, how clever Quistis had been! Using Rinoa to gain Squall's heart. No, she reminded herself, Quistis just did what she thought was best. "I understand, Squall. You decided to live for Quistis. There's nothing wrong with that."
"Damn it, Rinoa, you've got it all wrong! I decided to live for you, not Quistis. I could have married anyone then, it didn't matter. I made a promise to you that I would stop hurting myself." He looked straight into her eyes. "I was a fool. Marrying Quistis was the biggest mistake of my life."
Rinoa's eyes widened. "What are you saying?"
"I never loved Quistis. At least, not in the way that I was supposed to." He took a deep breath. "It's always been you, Rinoa. It still is you."
This time, all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
The world seemed to stop right before Rinoa's eyes. Squall was looking at her now with so much hope and love shining in his eyes. She couldn't believe that she had never seen it before. Never, in her wildest dreams, had she imagined Squall would tell her what he just had. She wanted to confess everything she felt for him, and scream to the world how much she loved him. Again, though, the guilt began to creep into her, slowly seeping through her veins. Regardless of her feelings, of their feelings, Squall was still married.
"Squall, I shouldn't be here. You can't be telling me this."
Rinoa couldn't mistake the hurt in his eyes. "I don't care about what's supposed to be right. This is the only thing that has ever been right to me."
"You're married, Squall. I can't give you what you're asking of me," she said sadly.
"I'm not married, Rinoa."
"What?" Rinoa asked, her voice sharp.
"Yes, I attended a ceremony with Quistis. The same ceremony where I was only thinking of you the whole time. Quistis and I might be married on a piece of paper, but in my heart..." He suddenly turned to the drawer he had opened earlier. Once again, he extracted the small box, this time handing it to Rinoa.
"W-What is this?" Rinoa asked, fearing the answer, yet also thrilled by it.
"I bought that ring for you before you left. I didn't have the nerve to propose to you that morning, but I planned on doing so the moment you came back. But..." He shook his head. "My biggest regret is not proposing to you that day."
Rinoa held the box carefully in her hands, treating it as if it were made of glass. As she opened the box, so many emotions were running through her head. This would have been her wedding ring. If she hadn't left, she would be Squall's wife right now. Gently, she picked up the ring inside, a stunning gold band with intricate diamonds embedded in an angel wing pattern. It was simply stunning.
"You..." Rinoa cleared her throat, the tears silently pouring down her face. "You kept it all these years?" Squall nodded. "Why?"
"I couldn't let you go. A part of me always hoped you would come back. You're back, Rinoa. Through everything we've been through, every damn thing, we made it. I don't give a damn about what anyone else thinks. They can say whatever the hell they want. It took me a long time to figure this all out, too long, but God, Rinoa, I love you so much.
This time, you burned me with your eyes
You see past all the lies
You take it all away
At Squall's admission, Rinoa felt all of her resolve completely crumble. She had tried so hard to stay strong, to do the right thing. What was the right thing, really? It all depended on what perspective you were looking at. What was right to Quistis was killing Rinoa, and what was supposed to be wrong had never felt so right. Squall had just said that he didn't give a damn about what other people thought. Did she? No, she heard a small voice in the back of her head say. To hell with them.
Seeing the emotions running across Rinoa's face prompted Squall to take her hands gently in his. "What is it?" he asked softly. "Are you in love with Irvine?"
Rinoa shook her head. "We broke up tonight," she told him quietly. "He told me that he loved me and I...said the words right back to him. Except...I called him by your name when I said them."
Squall's blue eyes showed surprise. "Did you mean what you said?"
The room was deathly silent. All that could be heard was the pounding of the rain that was still falling outside of their little world. Rinoa trained her eyes to the floor, unable to meet his gaze. Minutes passed by that felt like hours, until Rinoa finally spoke up.
"I wanted to be in love with Irvine so badly. I even tried to convince myself that I was." She shook her head. "The truth is, I've only ever loved you, Squall. It must have been so painfully obvious that I can't believe you didn't see it. I've never gotten over you, and I don't think I ever will." She was finally able to meet his gaze. "There, I said it. Now you know how I feel. Not that it changes anything because-"
Rinoa was cut short as she felt the sensation of Squall's lips against her own. It was so hauntingly familiar and wonderful that Rinoa felt her eyes tear up. Gasping for breath, she suddenly pulled away.
"We shouldn't be doing this." Tears poured down her face as she said it.
Squall shook his head, gently wiping her tears away. "We've come too far...to turn back now. Everything we've done so far tonight we probably shouldn't have, but I told you, I don't give a damn anymore. You're the only thing that I've ever cared about, Rinoa."
I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
With a desire she hadn't known she possessed, Rinoa flung herself into Squall's arms. Screw the world, screw logic, screw it all! The only logic she knew was Squall, and she just didn't give a damn about anything else. She was selfish. She knew that, but in that moment, all she wanted was Squall. Long ago, she had asked Squall for a hug, telling him that she needed to know that she was alive. Well, she needed that more than ever now. It was long overdue.
"Squall, she whispered, her voice pleading. "I need to know that I'm alive."
Squall remembered the words well, and how he had reacted to them last time. Now, they had a deeper meaning, and this time, Squall was more than happy to oblige. He pressed his lips against hers, gently at first, and then hungrily. Rinoa moaned softly, running her hand through his silky locks of hair. It had been far too long, and now she wanted to rediscover every single part of him.
Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away
Time had been so cruel to both of them. If all they had was this moment, then Rinoa wanted to relish in it. She clung to Squall, almost desperately, as he continued his assault on her mouth. They became almost frantic now, in their want and need for each other. Too long had they been in denial. Too long had they gone without each other's touch.
Squall quickly wrenched his lips away from her mouth, only to begin an assault on her neck. Rinoa closed her eyes in pure bliss, and then giggled when his kisses tickled a particularly sensitive spot. Just as soon as he had begun, Squall stopped. Rinoa opened her eyes, disappointed beyond belief. Before she could question him, Squall picked her up in his arms and deposited her onto the bed in one gentle swoop.
Rinoa allowed Squall to resume his frantic kisses as she laid back contently, eyes closed once more. This was complete bliss; she never wanted it to end. After allowing Squall to have his fun for a few more minutes, she suddenly became impatient with the pace of things, and immediately sat up.
"Rinoa?" Squall asked, a puzzled look on his face.
She responded by tearing his muscle shirt right off, revealing his gorgeous upper body. "My turn," she whispered seductively as she pushed him back onto the bed, grinning wickedly.
I try to make my way to you
But still I feel so lost
I don't know what else I can do
She began to rub her hands up and down his chest, enjoying the effect he had on her senses. God, he had a great body. He had only grown sexier in the three years she had been away.
"Enjoying the view?" Squall asked amusedly, a grin on his lips.
Rinoa just smiled and began a slow trail of kisses from his bellybutton all the way up to his neck. As she reached his neck, she slowed down, taking the time to gently nibble her way up to his ear, eliciting satisfied groans from Squall. The dress she wore suddenly felt very restrictive.
"Can you help me out of this?" Rinoa asked as she turned her back to him.
Squall sat up, pulling the zipper down her back. Rinoa shivered at the gentleness of his touch. God, he was good. As soon as the zipper had reached its end, Rinoa kicked off the dratted dress, letting it land somewhere on the floor. Squall let his eyes roam over her scantily clad body, not sure how much longer he could hold out.
"Who's enjoying the view now?" she teased.
He smirked before quickly reclaiming her mouth with his, allowing himself to bite down gently on her lip.
I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
Still heatedly kissing her mouth, Squall eased her back down onto the bed. Rinoa once again broke away, reaching up to undo Squall's belt. Squall rolled over so that she was on top of him and allowed her fingers to quickly undo his belt, discarding the pants on the floor with the dress. Rinoa then grabbed on to the back of her black lacy bra, trying to undo the clasp. The clasp, however, seemed to have a mind of its own and simply refused to budge. Rinoa sighed in frustration, but quickly felt Squall come to her aid as his hand gently unfastened the stubborn clasp.
"Thank you," Rinoa whispered as the bra fell to the floor.
The words had barely left her mouth when she found herself under Squall once more, his mouth slowly sucking on her now hardened breasts. His caresses were doing a number on her senses, and she could barely contain herself.
"God, Squall," she moaned. "Don't stop."
Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away
Rinoa closed her eyes and threw her head back in utter contentment. Her hands had found their way into Squall's mess of hair once more. God, how she loved his hair. She loved every single thing about him; every flaw, every scar, everything. The years they had spent apart had only proved to fuel her feelings. How she had ever managed to deny herself for this long remained a mystery.
However, she feared that she hadn't made her feelings clear enough. All those times Squall had hinted to how he still felt, she had turned him away. She didn't want to turn him away anymore. She just wanted to give in to her feelings, to be with Squall freely, even if it was only for this night.
"Squall," Rinoa breathed, looking up into his eyes. Squall stopped his kisses to return her gaze. "I love you so much. I just need you to understand that. No matter what happens, just remember that."
Squall nodded. "I know, Rinoa. You don't have to say anything else. I know."
Don't give up on me yet
Don't forget who I am
I know I'm not there yet
But don't let me stay here alone
As Rinoa heard the sincerity in Squall's voice, and, more importantly, saw the love burning in his eyes, something suddenly came over her. She pulled Squall towards her, kissing him hungrily. Squall immediately responded, kissing her back with an equal desire. Just as Rinoa had been thinking earlier, Squall realized just how much he loved the woman in front of him. How could he have ever entrapped himself into such a loveless marriage when he could have had this? It was the biggest mistake of his life.
Their heated kissing continued, only to be broken off to discard the remainder of their clothing. Squall had never seen Rinoa act like this before, and he rather liked it. However, her forwardness was doing a number to his senses. As much as he was enjoying her frenzied kisses, he needed to feel her against him or he was going to go insane.
Rinoa seemed to sense his mood as she suddenly broke free from his lips to stare into his eyes. They seemed to reach a silent agreement, and Rinoa slowly leaned back, grabbing Squall's hands and guiding him toward her.
This time, all I want is you
There is no one else
Who can take your place
Squall looked down into Rinoa's sparkling eyes as he positioned himself above her. He wanted her so badly. Still, he had to be sure that it was what she wanted, as well. The last thing he wanted was for her to regret this night.
"Rinoa," he said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "Are you sure that you want this?"
Rinoa smiled up at him tenderly. "I wouldn't be here if I didn't."
Squall nodded, never breaking eye contact with Rinoa. Their eyes were locked on each other, oblivious to everything around them. If the sky had chosen that moment to fall, it was doubtful that either of them would have noticed. This was their moment, their time, and no one was going to take it away from them.
I've seen it all and it's never enough
It keeps leaving me needing you
Squall slowly lowered himself down into Rinoa's depth, causing her to gasp out suddenly. Squall looked at her in concern, a question in his eyes.
Rinoa shook her head. "No, I'm fine."
Nodding once more, Squall resumed his position, quickly thrusting himself inside of her. Rinoa moaned, arching her back to allow him access. God, he knew how to leave her begging for more.
"Squall," she moaned, digging her nails into his back as he had his way with her. The world seemed to explode right before her eyes, so extreme was the sensation that Squall had wrought upon her.
Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothng left to say
Just take me away
As they both reacked their peak, they collapsed onto one another exhaustedly. They were now one large mass of entangled arms and legs, too exhausted to care, and finding that they rather enjoyed it. Squall pulled the blankets up over their naked forms, and pulled Rinoa close to him. He allowed the steady beating of Rinoa's heart to lull him to sleep, his last conscious thought being how much he missed falling asleep with her in his arms.
Take me away
Take me away
I've got nothing left to say
Just take me away
Author's Note: Blushes I can't believe I wrote that. It was horrible, wasn't it? I'm sorry, but it was my first lemon, and I didn't want to go into too much detail, but I fear that the end result was horrific. Please take it easy on me, lol.