Disclaimer: I do not own Clamp's character. The song Tree-san is singing belongs to whomever wrote Little Shop of Horrors. The song from the onmyouji commercial belongs to Parker Ray.
Author's thanks: first of all go to my Beta, Morphia. RavynArcher tell me who this Eagle is and what Clamp did to him so maybe he can get into the union K? Mel-chan-of-doom thank you, Whitesakura I know Keiichi is a bit amused but if Akira hurt the Union's angst lobe think of what Keiichi might to do them….plus Kamui has enough people molesting him as it is ne? Koneko hey who isn't a SeixSub whore? Kimiyae thank you thank you! Many many thanks to my loyal tekoo, AnnKniggendorf I would have made Seishiro into a Union member himself if he wasn't abuse on two legs ne, sakuryo thanks! Onee-san thank you for correcting me about the onmyouji thing! Wind Wanderer I kinda like Clamp abusing their characters too because, let's face it, there wouldn't be any good plot without it right?
Warning: slight bitching and minor swearing. Not something too serious.
Chapter 4 – Abuse
A few mornings after, Tsubasa Seishiro walked down from his room to the little corner in their house where the fax machine lay. From the other characters in his house he heard that whatever came from the fax machine was directed to Seishiro and so, as the machine before him began buzzing and signaling it was emitting something, Tsubasa Seishiro awaited whatever came out of it.
The fax soon emerged, it's title reading "To our evil bishies, from Clamp"
The rest of the text contained only two words: "Commence abuse"
"Eh?" the Seishiro rubbed the back of his neck, somewhat confused.
The machine began working again, this time spewing a fax containing the following text: "Abuse the Union members"
Noting that the machine was somehow responding to what he said, Seishiro attempted a conversation with it. "But…uh….you see…I'm….kind of nice here so I don't really know if I can abuse anyone…."
The next fax read "Not you, wimp, them!"
Shocked and insulted, the Seishiro blinked at the machine "Did….did you just call me a wimp!"
"Damn right we did, now get this message to the other (less wimpy) evil bishies: Commence the abuse!"
Choking down a whimper, Tsubasa Seishiro took the first fax and brought it over to the house's dining table where the rest of his flat mates sat munching on breakfast.
"A fax came from Clamp" he declared carelessly, placing the paper on the table.
"Good, good" Fuma smirked after reading the two words from his creators.
"This seems like a good time for a house meeting" An Chon suddenly chimed "there's something I wanted to talk to you about, especially with you" he pointed his well manicured forefinger at Kakuyo.
"Me?"
"Yes"
"What do you want!"
"You sing in the shower. It's disturbing"
"I was about to note you about it myself actually" X and TB Seishiro added, this morning's fifth cigarette dangling from his lips most Spike Spiegel like.
"What's wrong with him singing in the shower?" Fuma came to his fellow brat's help "I think he sings quite beautifully"
"I know that's what you think and this is exactly the problem" An Chon grumbled "because you think it's so lovely that you come in a join him!"
"And it's ghastly" Seishiro actually shuddered "it reminds me of this one time when I accidentally fed the sakura to a Broadway singer…."
Flashback
Seishiro stands in Ueno Park, lighting a cigarette with his bloody hand and preparing to leave for home.
"Feed me" came a low voice from behind him.
Seishiro turns around, baffled "eh?"
"Feeeeeeeeed me!" it's the sakura speaking!
"But….but I just did…." Seishiro struggles to keep his calm demeanor.
Suddenly lights begin dancing across the gigantic tree, it's bark stretches and moves like a dancing human body and it's branches start shaking and rattling like it's the arms of a dancer "Feeed me Sei-chan! Feed me aaaaal night long!" it sings.
Seishiro is frozen with fear and shock.
But the tree continues "Feeeed me Sei-chan, 'coz if you feeeed me Sei-chan, I can lure in extra branch ruffling Subaru more ruffling kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun branches dancing like little waves"
End of flashback
Seishiro shuddered "And he didn't even keep his promise"
"And besides" An Chon ripped everybody's attention back to him "you don't really just sing there, you finish your song and move to do other things…"
"And then we have to listen to that too" Bols chimed in.
"Well maybe we're not asking you if you're disturbed by what we do, Anderson!" Kakuyo spat back, irritated.
Bols began shaking with anger….suddenly he took out a book called 'How to Have a Calmer Life' and began flipping through it's pages. As he found what he was looking for he began reading out loud to himself.
"Take a deep breath" he took a huge gulp of a deep breath "now, slowly, count to ten"
Bols tilted his head backwards and began counting "1…….2……..3……..4……..5…….6……" somewhere along the way you could hear by his tone that he was indeed relaxing "….7…….8…….9……10" he exhaled slowly, a long happy smile spread on his face
"Ah….that did me a world of good….. " he said calmly "I AM NOT ANDESRON YOU BUNCH OF ANNOYING BRATS!"
Fuma, kakuyo, Kurogane and Rikou shot to Tsubasa Seishiro, hiding behind his long dress-like cape, clutching it's edges like frightened children.
"The evil man scared me mommy….he really, really did" Fuma whimpered into the black of Seishiro's cape.
"Let go of my cape little brat and don't call me mommy!"
Fuma sobbed reluctantly "But….but you remind me of mommy…."
Tsubasa Seishiro smirked maliciously "Why? Do I sleep with women? Do I explode to give birth to a sword and make your sister into a babbling idiot?"
Fuma glared fire back at him.
He forgot about it as soon as he settled back in his dining room table chair "Damn I'm thirsty. Ne, Kurogane, fetch me a beer will ya?"
Kurogane shot to his feet with an excited leap and a happy expression on his face "Yorokonde!...NOT! Get it yourself bitch!"
The earth began shaking under their little cottage as Fuma's glare intensified.
With his metaphoric tale between his legs, Kurogane began backing down towards the kitchen's refrigerator "All right Fuma-sama, I'll get you a beer, anything you want"
"That's a good boy"
"I think that's what Clamp tried to tell us" X and TB Seishiro said, scanning the fax page "they were trying to make us stop abusing each other and start abusing the Union members like what we're were put here for"
"What are you talking about?" An Chon wondered.
"I'm talking about things like last night….."
Flashback 2
In the HR(E)B living room after dinner time, the bishies gather to watch television.
Tsubasa Seishiro walks down to the living room and looks for a place to sit. There's non left. The one seat couch is taken by the other Seishiro and the other, bigger sofa is taken by the Four brats and An Chon.
Huffing and puffing, TRC Seishiro sits on the carpet before the larger sofa, trying to make himself comfortable on the hard surface.
Smirking like evil incarnated, Kakuyo bends forward and smacks the back of Tsubasa Seishiro's neck.
By the time Seishiro turns around to see who the culprit is, all the sofa residents are looking innocently away, twirling their forefinger in the air and "bzzzzz"ing unanimously.
Grumbling and mumbling, the Seishiro turns back to the television screen.
As soon as he does, Fuma bends forward and deals a smack to the poor character's neck again.
Yet again everybody twirls their fingers and "buzz", guilt free.
Once again Seishiro turns back to the television, holding back a few nasty curses.
This time Kurogane bends forward and slaps Seishiro's nape.
And once again they buzz united.
X and TB Seishiro starts sniggering, receiving a death glare from his other world self and brushing it off carelessly.
The next slap comes from Rikuo and he escapes it easily. Seishiro starts to get VERY angry as he turns back to the television.
With a silly, excited smile on his face, An Chon bends forward and smacks the back of Seishiro's neck.
"THAT'S IT! WHICH ONE OF YOU IDIOTS IS DOING THAT!"
TRC Seishiro is boiling with angry, his glasses on.
(Now here you really see the difference between differed dimensions don't you? One Seishiro takes his glasses off to become 'not as kind as Subaru-kun' while the other dimension Seishiro puts his glasses on to be evil! Oooooooooooooo, aaaaaaaaaaa!
Back to the plot...)
This time when Tsubasa Seishiro (for extra evil please apply glasses) spins around to face the culprit he sees An Chon twirling his finger and buzzing alone with the rest of the sofa's residence staring at him accusingly.
"Hey!...come on people, help me out here" the blond bishie begs them.
They shake their heads reprimanding. "Really An Chon….such childish behavior" Kakuyo rebukes.
"I'd expect better behavior from you" Fuma chimes in.
Seishiro takes his glasses off, tears start wallowing in his eyes. He shuffles out of the living room, whimpering and mumbling under his breath about how everyone's so nasty to him.
The brat quartet follows him with their eyes as he climbs the stairs back to his room.
"WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMP!"
"MOMMYYYYYYYY!" Tsubasa Seishiro slams his door behind him, his sobs and whimpers heard through the walls for the rest of the night.
End of flashback
"But that was really fun" Kurogane moaned.
TRC Seishiro whimpered once more.
"I think" X and TB Seishiro (for extra evil please remove glasses) said "that what Clamp meant to say is that we should save our strength and evil for the Union members so we can better abuse them"
And so they did.
In the meantime, back at the Union house, another day of striking and interviewing potential new members began.
A strapping tall young boy walked into the Union's living room, his Clamp Campus uniforms tidy and his blue hair well combed.
"Takamura Souh from Clamp Campus Detectives" he announced his name.
"Yes Souh-kun, why do you want to join us?" Kudo asked, feeling awfully mature for leading the interview this time.
"It's because of my boss, Imonoyama Nakuro. He is the student board president and I am his secretary, but you see…that guy….he cannot sit on a chair and do proper paperwork for three second! The only thing on his mind is playing and doing silly things, chasing after girls or doing his stupid detective work, anything but his duty!
"Clamp made me his bodyguard too so every time he starts playing around with dangerous things like real firearms or jumping out of windows into trees to collect some stupid silk stocking, every time he has some stupid fan who wants to dance with him in the latest ball and pushes him off a balcony I'm the one who ends up getting hurt….I don't mind that really because that's my duty and all but….
"I just wish he could comply with his paperwork once in a while and give me a break from constantly chasing after him to do it!
"I wish….I wish I could strap him to his chair and make him do it!"
The Union sat in silence.
"That's….not really abuse is it?" Kudo huffed in disappointment "You can strap him if you want, I'm sure Clamp would only enjoy you doing it"
"Eh?" Suoh's golden eyes filled with hope suddenly.
"Yeah, and you know what?" Kudo babbled on, ignoring the worried glances from his comrades "You can go to the house next door, I'm sure they can give you many advices of how to strap him, if not teach you new methods"
"Wow! Thanks!" Suoh hurried out of the room with a cunning smile on his face.
"Umm….Kudo-kun…." Subaru mumbled uncomfortably.
"What?"
"Uh…that may lead to some serious damage you know, that house is evil, heaven knows what they might make of him"
"Nah, it'll be alright"
Or will it?
"Okay people, let's take a little break shall we, I really gatta go to the bathroom" Kamui rose to his feet and cleared everybody's tea mugs before hurrying up to the toilets.
Kazuhiko was just about to go and brew some more tea for everybody when he noticed a single coin from his world, landing on the floor by him.
His back to the common window his house shares with the HR(E)B, Kazuhiko bent down to pick the coin up.
He nearly jumped a mile in the air as he felt a sharp meaningful pinch to his rear end "EEEEK!"
He spun around angrily to see Bols sniggering in the common window, holding a high-tech devise able of stretching to close the distance between it's target and it's user. On the end of the device was a plastic hand capable of reaching out and deliver more pinches like the one Kazuhiko just received.
"Heeloooooooo prince" Bols leered, sending his device forward to grab Kazuhiko's left nipple.
"Ouch! You damn sadist bastard!" Kazuhiko reached to the button on his fake right arm and changed it to gunshot mode. He aimed and gained a direct hit to Bols's forehead.
The evil Clover character was thrown backwards into the house it came from, crushing into the opposite wall and slumping down to the ground, lifeless.
"Oh my god! They killed Bols!" TRC Seishiro cried.
"Nah, he's not really dead" Kakuyo calmed him after carefully examining the body.
"But…they shot him in the head…it's…kinda fatal you know…"
"Not for him it's not" the son of Satan took another large gulp from his beer.
"It's not?"
"No man, this is Anderson remember? He'll regenerate and get back on his feet in no time, don't worry about it"
"O…..kay….." Seishiro tried to calm himself down. The sounds of whiplash coming from the room where most of his housemates entertained Suoh were starting to get on his nerves.
Miyuki used the little break in interviews to go out to her house's back yard and do her laundry.
"Hmmm….." she said thoughtfully "I didn't really bring extra clothes and I'm kinda starting to stink here….I guess I have no choice then…." She checked her vicinity for any signs of feminine characters and when she saw there were non Miyuki began removing her clothes and chucking them into a plastic tub filled with scented laundry water.
Kurogane popped his head above the backyard fence, observing the slowly stripping young woman.
"Helloooooo there" he purred at her.
Miyuki stared at him then broke into a bright smile "Good morning!" she resumed removing her skirt ignoring the fiery stares from the evil Tsubasa character.
Pleased with this free striptease, Kurogane cracked a beer can open, lit a cigarette and enjoyed his time.
"MIYUKI-CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!" Otaku's horrified cry came from the house. Otaku grabbed a towel from the house's bathroom and hurried to block Kurogane's view of Miyuki's now full nudity.
"What are you doing Miyuki-chan!"
"What? Did I do something wrong? It's only laundry you know…."
"Yes but can't you see that there's a sleazy man watching your bare body like that!" Otaku barked back, glaring fire at Kurogane.
Miyuki had to think about it for a moment "But he's a man, he won't do me any harm and he's not really interested in my body, women on the other hand do"
Otaku sighed with exasperation "You don't understand Miyuki-chan! It might be that way in your world but this is another world! This is reality!
"This man here, he's just as bad as all the creatures hurled at you in your manga, he's after your body, craving to watch it and grab it and touch it and…..I think I'll do laundry too…."
Miyuki glared at her "Oh really now?"
"Yeah I really start to stink you know and it's always important to keep your hygiene right?" Otaku chirped merrily, removing her shirt and bra quickly and giving Kurogane meaningful stares.
"Don't you have a husband or something?"
"That's okay" Kurogane answered Miyuki "it's not like I'll leap over to your side of the fence and actually do something with any of you"
Otaku's hopes shattered "You won't?"
"Hell no!"
"Why not?" tears started forming in her abused eyes.
"Because you might want to get involve with me more then that one time and there's no way in hell I'm getting involved with any female Clamp characters"
"Why not?" Miyuki asked, honestly curious.
"Because you're all stark raving mad, that's why!" Rikou joined his HR(E)B comrade.
"What do you mean!" Otaku huffed, starting to cover herself as her efforts proved pointless.
"Well just look at all the female characters in Clamp, from TB to our days; the majority of them are crazy!
"It's all 'I slept with the director but my movie got canceled, I hate Tokyo!' or 'We're three crazy high school girls who talk on the phone and think we're gonna be something big in 1999 but for now we're casting spells on people' or 'I WANT A KYDNEY FOR MY SON SO I'LL POKE YOUR EYE OUT! BUHAHAHAHAH' you know?"
Otaku and Miyuki shook their head.
Kurogane sighed, taking over for his friend "Or it's 'aaaaa! I lost my pet peacock Pochi, help me find him NOOOOOW' or 'Oh no, I'm hiding kittens in the arts room please don't tell anyone!' or 'I don't want to bake apple pies because my attempts to get a higher grade by sleeping with my teacher aren't working' that sort of craziness"
Miyuki and Otaku started glaring.
"And don't forget the latest nutcases: 'I want the monkey's paw NOW!' or 'You're my twin sister but I'll still say that you'll never add up to nothing and bind you with my words so you can really never succeed in anything' or 'I don't have any bad habits, la did a, oh my I can't move my little finger, tee hee'"
"Oh, oh" Rikou interfered "and if you're talking about 'tee hee' let us not forget one of Clamp's head nutcases! 'AAA a broken doll is dead mommy! A squashed bird is dead mommy! Help me Kamui, I know you're all hung up on my brother but I still want to try and get laid before I die! Here, I'll grab your attention by fainting and having a semi heart attack! I love the sky and the ocean and INDIGO because Kamui is in all of them, tee hee, tee hee, tee…..oh my…."
The "oh my" was on the account of Fuma walking up behind Rikou and poking his shoulder lightly.
"That's my sister you're putting down you know" he glared like only the creature of sheer evil and malice that he is can.
"Excuse me for a second please, but I believe I need to go and change into another pair of pants….." Rikou whimpered and crawled away from the yard, his legs shaking too badly to allow him to walk properly.
"And that, ladies, Kurogane continued where Fuma cut them off "is why most male Clamp characters are gay or bisexual, much like Anne Rice male characters now that I think about it…."
"But there are straight male characters in Clamp's works" Otaku argued back "take…..umm……errr………uh……ah! Aoki Seiichiro from your manga Fuma!"
"Nah, he might look like the good family man but you never know what lurks within…."
"Are you trying to tell us that The World's Straightest Man is actually gay!" Miyuki sighed in disbelieve.
"Do you remember chapter 19 in X?" Fuma smiled.
"Y…yeah…"
"That short exchange between my harbinger Yutu and Aoki about a meeting later that evening…."
"….yeah….."
"Just because everybody made a big fuss out of it because they thought it was a fight doesn't actually mean they were meeting up to fight"
"……but in chapter 21 they do fight!" Otaku called out, raking her memory for X information.
"That's only because that blond idiot started bitching about Seiichiro's departed cousin, now that's no way to start a date is it?"
"Well……" the girls were deep in thought.
"Miyuki-chan, Otaku-san! We're starting the interviews again, please come on in!" Syaoran called the two girls back into the Union house.
"Okay!" Otaku called back. She suddenly noticed that Miyuki had all her clothes 0on again and that they were clean and dry.
"Hey, Miyuki-chan, how did you get your clothes to cry so quickly, you just soaked them into the washing liquid"
"Oh, the authoress cleaned and dried my clothes faster" Miyuki said, pointing at the figure standing outside their fence.
"Oh my god, she's got Nakago all bound and helpless!"
"Poor thing, he's getting really molested isn't he? Wonder why she's doing it here of all places"
"Oh no, look" Otaku pointed at the brat quartet, with Suoh, sitting in front of the authoress and the bound Nakago, eagerly watching and taking notes.
"Uh, didn't we already interview you?" Sai stared at the beautiful blond with strange pink and white plastic ears poking at the side of her head.
"Yeah I think we did" Subaru added "only you came in with this really sexually deprived kid named Hideki or something.
"You must be referring to my sister Elda, or as she is now called, Chi"
"Sister? Aren't you some kind of robots or something?" Kamui asked, his eyes strolling up and down the persocom's lovely body.
Something tugged at Subaru's mind making him cringe.
"We were both manufactured by the same two scientists. They treated us like their daughters and so we are sisters. My name is Freya from Chobits"
"So, Freya, what makes you an abused Clamp character?" Kazuhiko asked above various inner parts of his right arm's rifle he was cleaning after using them on Bols.
"I was the first to be made by my 'parents', later came El…Chi. Clamp made me fall in love with my own father and have my heart broken and torn in two between my love for mother and my love for father.
"Then, overwhelmed by heartache, I shut myself down and downloaded all my personal data to my sister, living on inside her to serve as her mentor through life every time she gets confused about something"
"That's forced death" Miyuki said, ticking the little boxes on her Clamp Charges page off "loss of love, hopeless love….pretty cruel I'd say"
The rest of the Union nodded with agreement, her place amongst them was pretty much ensured.
"Hang on a second" Subaru suddenly called "if you shut yourself down, how come you're here?"
"I forced myself out of my sister's system and fled back to my body" Freya said, glaring angrily suddenly.
"W…why? What happened?"
"Someone amongst you advised Hideki of how to give vent his needs and I'm sorry but I just can't stand the noise anymore"
Subaru looked form places to bury himself in under the fiery robotic glare.
"Well…anyways, welcome to the Union comerada!" Chun Hyang leaped to her feet enthusiastically.
"Chun, what did I tell you about your over the top excitement?" Kamui silenced her.
Chun Hyang cringed, climbing off the table.
"And stop placing your foot on people already, we're not posing steps you know!" the uke-like character barked on.
"I'm sorry……" she whimpered, removing her foot from Kakyou's sleeping form. It was too late, the yumemie was already roused.
He rubbed his eyes and yawned, looking around all baffled and disheveled.
"It's okay Kakyou-san, you can go back to sleep" Subaru tried to talk to Unions most effeminate member.
Kakyou stared at Subaru with big foggy eyes before he whimpered "Hokuto" and crushed back into la la land.
Subaru suppressed a need to grab the blond and scream at him to stop it already 'coz it's really getting on his nerves.
The little incident did not pass unnoticed by the HR(E)B members.
Perched on the common window between the two cottages, Fuma rubbed his chin thoughtfully.
"In his slumber he confused one sibling with the other…..I wonder….."
He snuck into the Union's house, crawled under Kakyou's seat how he did it without getting noticed? The authoress stopped molesting Alucard (this time it was him) and helped him and shook the yumemie back to coherency.
Kakyou stared down at him with sleep's heavy clouds still in his eyes and mumbled "Kotori" before resuming his deep slumber.
As soon as Fuma snuck back into his own territory he struck an evil pose "Perfect! I have a plan of how to abuse my dearly beloved uke and a head Union member! BUHAHAHAHAHA, MUHAHAHAHA"
Then he snapped his head at Kurogane and Kakuyo's direction "Will you help me with my EEEEEVIL plan?"
The nefarious grins on their faces ensured a positive answer.
Kamui was just making another round of tea for everybody during their next break when he heard a familiar scream outside his house.
"EEEEP! HELP ME KAMUI!"
It was Kotori!
Kamui shot out of the house to see his beloved childhood love, standing between Kakuyo and Kurogane who were grinning evilly and trying to hurt her.
"Hurry Kamui, oh please hurry and save me!" Kotori yelled helplessly.
"I'm coming Kotori!" Kamui dashed towards the three characters "Leave her alone you damn bastards!" he roared, sending huge energy blasts at the two HR(E)B members who comfortably "eep"d and ran away back to their den.
Kamui rushed towards Kotori who embraced him lovingly right away.
"Oh Kotori! You're here! You're alive! I'm so happy!"
"Yes Kamui!" called the indigo loving blond, running her hand all over Kamui's body.
"Ne, Kotori….being dead kinda made you taller you know…."
"Oh forget about such trifles Kamui, I love you and I'm finally with you!" she called back to him dramatically.
"And you're hard….."
Kotori yanked Kamui a little away from her "Forget about that Kamui! We're finally together aren't we? And we love each other so much! Come Kamui, let us not waste these precious moments let's do something about our great love for each other!"
That did the trick. Kamui stared amazed and hope filled up into Kotori's eyes "D….do something about it?" his nose started bleeding.
This time Subaru, who knew nothing of what was happening outside, doubled over with pain.
"Yes Kamui!" Kotori yelled, flinging the effeminate boy over her shoulder like loot and began walking back into the HR(E)B house "Let's do something about our love right now!"
"Oh Kotori" Kamui was in tears "I'm so happy you came back, I missed you so much!" he scanned the girl carrying him into the house now, almost entering it now.
"I missed your….strangely broad shoulders….your suddenly muscular back…..your long soft ….AAAAAAAAAH!" Kamui's hand was shaking as he suddenly noticed that Kotori's long flowing soft hair was detached from her scalp and dangling in his hand.
"It's a wig!" he screamed in panic. He looked back at the ginning Fuma carrying him "You're not really Kotori! Oh my god!"
"Too late darling uke!" Fuma laughed as he quickly climbed the stairs to his room, entering it and locking the door behind him firmly.
"HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
The Union members heard Kamui's cry of help and rushed to his help; Kazuhiko using his arm's canon mode to blow the wall off of Fuma's room and Subaru leaping to quickly kidnap the already shirtless Kamui far from harm's way.
Back in safety, Kamui was still trembling from the heavy trauma.
Sai took a long look at him as she brought him one of her big butch shirt to replace his lost one "That's one nasty love bite you've got there" she commented about the round purple mark on Kamui's neck.
Kamui whimpered in return "He….he was touching me like that….but I'm a man….and he's a man….it's so wrong….."
"Are you absolutely sure you're a Clamp character Kamui?" Otaku wondered, remembering the lecture she heard from Fuma and Kurogane today.
Subaru was in tears "When he talks about how he's not gay…..it hurts…." He whimpered.
Freya neared him with a trademark Chi expression "Does it hurt, right here?" she asked placing her palms gently on her bosom where her heart should be.
"No" Subaru hissed in return "it hurt right here" he placed his palms between his legs….
A bit shaken from the explosion and the destruction of his room, Fuma climbed down to his house's living room "that guy blew up my room!"
"That's okay" Kakuyo smiled at him meaningfully "you can sleep in my room anytime you want"
"And so I shall" Fuma smiled just as cunningly. "but that guy sure is lethal!"
"Yeah and speaking of that guy" Tsubasa Seishiro broke into their conversation. He was standing by Bols' body, tapping his foot on the floor angrily "Bols is kind of starting to stink, can't we move him out already?"
The rest of the HR(E)B members stared at Bols unmoving figure.
"What….you mean he's really not Anderson?" Rikou said with much disappointment.
"No…he's not…he's dead" the Seishiro sighed.
"Damn….."
"Hey where's the other you, wimp?' Fuma looked puzzled around trying to find the ice cream loving Sakurazukamori.
"Working on my shot at abuse" came the man's voice from the dining room where he sat by the phone.
"Oooo, what are you going to use for your evil deed?" the quartet dashed over to Seishiro's side, curios.
"I'm going to use the media" Guardian of the Cherry Blossom Burial Mound leered, removing his glasses before starting to dial an advertising company.
"Err….Sumeragi-san….." Syaoran sounded pretty embarrassed as he sat staring at the television in the Union's living room.
"What is it Syaoran?"
"I think you better come and see this….."
The television began playing the commercial Syaoran wanted Subaru to see again:
"If
there's something strange in your neighbourhood
Who you gonna
call?
Onmyouji!
If there's something weird and it don't look
good
Who you gonna call?
Onmyouji!
Your house haunted by spirits? Frightened at night because there are strange noises around you?
Call an onmyouji to shoo them away!"
Subaru stared at the television in shock "I…don't remember making a commercial for my clan's services…."
"And now a special offer lasting only until Rainbow Bridge blows up:
Call one onmyouji and get ANOTHER ONE for free!
"Not
only will they rid you of your poltergeists but they'll throw in an
extra Yaoi show too!
"Simply pick up your phone and dial this number:"
"Oh…..my….god!" Subaru was shaking, noting the Union house's private telephone number blinking on the screen in all six colours of the rainbow flag.
(ever wondered why it's called 'the rainbow flag'? or, on the other hand, why the bridge is called 'rainbow bridge'….)
Immediately the phone began ringing madly, almost falling off it's table with the sheer might of so many calls crushing in at one time.
"DON'T PICK UP THE PHONE!" Subaru hollered to anyone in his vicinity "I REPEAT, DO NOT PICK UP THE PHONE"
"Sumeragi-san" Sai called out from the kitchen "your mobile is ringing"
"Oh my god! They didn't advertise my mobile number as well did they!" he was truly in a state of panic.
"Mushi mushi?" Sai answered the incoming mobile call "….no, I'm not Subaru I'm……I'm fine lady but I'm not Su…..my….my sister's seventh memorial ceremony?…in Kyoto? No I'm not going to come because I'm not Sub……still looking for the Sakurazukamori!"
Subaru walked up to Sai "Here, hand it over to me" he took the little cellular from her.
"Man who is that?"
"My grandmother…ignore what she mumbled to you, that's how she starts every time she's talking on the phone to somebody "Hello grandmother…..no it's really Subaru this time…..no it's not Sorata and you couldn't have heard about me from Old Man Stargazer…..I'm not a boy grandmother, and I'm on a strike so I don't have to suffer once more….."
He gestured for Sai that his grandmother is yapping away in his ear "You've started the real conversation grandmother? Good. No I didn't start that commercial….
"GOD DAMN IT DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!" he hollered, foaming at the mouth, to Freya who was reaching out to the madly ringing house phone "Yes grandmother….yes I am about to have a mental breakdown….." Subaru crumbled to the ground into a sobbing heap.
"Subaru-kuuuun!" Came X and TB's Seishiro's happy call "Come on we've got a show….I mean a case to work on in half an hour! We need to get there in time"
Subaru shot to his feet and out of the house glaring at his opposite star "You…..you…..you!" he huffed and puffed, his eyes almost popping out of their skulls with anger "You're the one who made that advertisement, didn't you?"
Seishiro rolled his eyes and plastered the kindest, fakest smile ever "Maaaaaaybe…come on now Subaru-kun or we'll be late and anger our costumer, don't you love being dedicated to your work and always strived to do your best?"
"NEVER!" Subaru roared and ran back to the house, yanked the phone out of it's socket shouting at Kazuhiko to blow it up.
Once the little burning plastic pieces and electric wires settled down like a layer of snow around the seething Subaru he began speaking again, his voice wavering, his eyes shooting over the faces of his Union comrades, his tone crazed.
"We're not going to keep taking this sht from them" he growled "we're going to sit and think about a way to avenge their foul deeds!"
The others observed their leader in his halo of purpose and gasped in awe.
Revenge they shall then!
(tbc)
"Just one fing second!" Imonoyama Nakuro limped into the ending scene, supporting his bandaged body on his crutches.
The Union stared at him in shock.
Sai stepped forward to better glance the young man "That's one nasty love bite you've got there" she commented.
"Imonoyama-sama, who did this to you?" Kamui called out in alarm, worried at the sight of the wounded blond.
"Which one of you told Souh to go and learn BDSM at the HR(E)B!" the kaicho glared fire at the Union.
The Union took a step backwards in fear, Sai pushing Kudo forward as he tried to hide himself behind her.
Nokuro limped towards Kudo and glared at him "I'd unleash my bodyguard on you if it wouldn't mean I'd suffer more because he'll probably target me instead and start doing all those….those….." the blond began quaking, tears in his eyes.
"Aw, here Imonoyama-sama, take a seat, it must be tiring to hold yourself with these crutches for so long" Kamui pushed a chair at the crying youth.
"I can't…." Nokuro whimpered "I can't sit down properly yet"
he whipped his head back to glaring at Kudo "You better keep this union going kid, keep it going until your life will end because I swear to god, you are going to suffer the moment you get back to normal life!"
Kudo bravely waited for the limping blond to leave before he gave off a long "EEEEEP!" of a whimper and fainted
(tbc)
Next Time on the Abused Clamp Characters Union: Revenge!